shakespeare in love

i have never felt so violated as when i watched that shakespeare in love movie yesterday in extension.
seriously.
like every second scene is sex. and when there isnt sex, you can TOTALLY tell that EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER is thinking about when theyre going to have sex next, and who it will be with.
how dirty.
so dirty.
how dirty are all the english teachers.
i swear its all they think about. all of our teachers actually.
i mean think about it.
room with a view, inspector rex, and now this???
is this some sort of plot to turn us all into prostis? or do they just enjoy seeing us (well, ok, me) screaming in fear at the sight of some old man getting it on with a 17th century whore.

pfft, old people

i mean.
parents.
come on.
werent they ever young?? dont they remember what its like to go to school, or have a social life, or bend over without breaking a rib?
like my mum (more commonly known as marge)
seriously. whats with her and not liking me having my door closed. IM JUST DOING MY HOMEWORK.
DOES SHE REALLY WANT ME TO FAIL THE HSC AND END UP A HOBO ON THE STREET LIKE MISCHA BARTON AFTER SHE QUIT THE OC!???

she like knocks on the door and im like "oh mummy im just working diligently like i do in modern"
and shes like "BAISYYYYYY!! IM RESPECTING YOUR PRIVACY AS A TEENAGER BY KNOCKING, BUT EXERTING MY AUTHORITY AS YOUR PARENT BY COMING IN ANYWAAAAAY!!" and then practically bashes down the door with her vaccuum cleaner or something.

THE END OF THE WORST DAY EVER

this day has been THE WORST DAY

first of all i already knew it was going to be crap because as soon as i left the house i realised i was wearing THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE PAIR OF UNDIES that i own.
then my bus was late to the station because so many old people kept getting on and then, i dont know, like dropping their travel ten on the floor, then bending down to pick it up and knocking over their walking frame or whatever.
then when we finally got to school i realised it was going to be THE WORST DAY OF THE WHOLE CYCLE because:
a) we didnt have modern
b) we didnt have dt
c) we have double english extension while everyone else gets a free

anyway so it was lunchtime and so far i was surviving because you know, christian studies was a bludge and maths had been fun (we discovered that mr ob makes his lunches the same way as spesh), but now, oh now it was time for economics which i totally dont understand a single word of so i just sit there with my eyes all glazed over and nodding occasionally. so todays economics was pretty much just like any economics.

well.
after that i was walking to extension and i saw emmy and waved hysterically and she averted her eyes and cringed at the thought that i was near her, but i think, I THINK, i saw her fingers wiggle a little.
ohmigosh. THATS RIGHT
SHE WAVED AT ME.
then after that we got to extension and found out that because the teachers feel so sorry for us (since we so majorly sucked hairy balls in our essays on wide sargasso sea) they let us bludge the whole two periods and watch shakespeare in love instead.
then when i got home i found out we are having mongolian lamb (like my 5th favourite dinner) tonight.

so really this day hasnt turned out so bad after all.

laurens rage

so yesterday in p.e kiery and discovered something very intruiging about our good friend lauren.

well apparently it must be pretty cold in berowra or something because when we were getting changed (well, when lauren was getting changed because me and kiera are bludgers) (well when lauren was getting changed and kiera wasnt getting changed because she had a legitimate excuse and i wasnt getting changed because im a bludger), we noticed that lauren was wearing.
a singlet
her school shirt
a vest
a jumper
a blazer
AND a scarf.

which of course is hilarious so kiera and me proceeded to steal laurens vest and roll it up into a ball and throw it over her head to everyone else until she got so mad that she went into some sort of crazy Lauren Rage and spear tackled hanni even though hanni didnt even HAVE her vest.

so while kiera and i were still laughing over the vest and showing it to everyone else, lauren had hanni in a headlock and was pinning her up against the wall.
which was amusing.
and then later, when lauren finally got her vest back from us, she folded it up until it was small enough to put in her pocket so that we couldnt get it.
so then we stole her jumper, and while she was distracted by that, we stole her vest right out of her pocket and then she got so angry and confused she started whipping kiera with her jumper and trying to grab back the vest.

i mean.
these berowrians.
theyre so weird

yesterday afternoon

mum: hi, how was your day
me: oh fine
mum: how did the cake go?
me: good. it was yum
mum: ew.
me: what?
mum: nothing. did everyone like it?
me: i think so. like the whole year knew about it.
mum: how embarrassing for you.

man. even my own mum is embarrassed about me.

big brother

so last night was the finale of big brother and of course i watched it (*ducks to avoid flying projectiles from classmates*)
the best bit was when Jamie and Michael and stuff were all together and watching videos of when Jamie and Katie were in love and it was so romantic and Jamie was like crying and then suddenly Katie came out and he was like maaauuuuulllll and mauled her and they like hugged and kissed and i was like oh how sad is it that im watching this horse shit.

anyway then i was talking to Cieny and apparently Jamie was like saying about how he didnt know if he still wanted to be with Katie once he left the house, probably because he became closer friends with Krystal who has breast implants.
also because you know, theyre trapped in a house which is like 1 metre squared and hes a 22 year old male so hes probably as horny as a bull on heat.
anyway.
im going to stop talking about how i watch big brother now to avoid being hacked to death by my friends, because you know, that honour is saved for Ivan Milat

tampon cake is born 

jacki sees tampon cake 

jacki performs ancient ritual tampon-fertility dance 

someone please tell gem that unless she goes to the doctor or puts paw paw ointment on her seedy burn that it will open up and get infected and her stomach will rot and spiders will crawl in and lay eggs in her womb and from then on she will only be able to give birth to spider babies

hated by the boof

well
i have further proof that all the teachers hate me.
today, on vandi, when we were in the middle of our daily ritual of throwing empty poppers and apple cores at each other, mainly directed at lauren due to her suggestion that we go to south australia for schoolies (which is just ridiculous because we'd probably all get killed by backpacker killers, which you know, would be funny for the first five seconds but for the rest of the time would just be total sucko), and in her defence, lauren threw one of the poppers over the brick wall and into the garden.
anyway
unfortunately for lauren, while she was throwing the popper over the wall, the boof just happened to be walking past, and she saw.
so of course she abandoned her stroll in the playground to come stand on vandi and find out who threw the popper, and well i guess it wasnt so unfortunate for lauren because she didnt even to bother finding out who threw it she just pointed at me and went...
Was that YOU jacki trew?
and of course because it wasnt me i said
NO
and then she just stood and looked disbelievingly at me, probably hoping that i would start weeping or something so that she could feel satisfied at having filled her daily quota of making students cry in fear.
seriously
all teachers hate me

the un-fertile

so anyway. today hannah became the second last person in our group to turn fertile..
the last person being me.

so of course we all went crazy and started screaming and throwing food (which we would later regret as vandi was inspected by the boof) and planning hannahs pink party which will take place tomorrow and involve party hats and pink jelly beans and a cake shaped like a tampon.

oh how joyous.
and then we all enjoyed julia singing her version of "baron sharon" and inventing a fertility initiation dance for hannah and a rejection dance for me.
which will be fun.

theyre after me

ok.

it seems like every day i can add someone new to the list of people who want to kill me.
list so far?

• Emmy
• Ivan Milat
• Spiders
• That Selig woman
• My bus driver
• The staff at Apple Computers
• Those magpies in the park
• Catherine
• Any person who has ever heard me sing

my own stalker

yes.
well what im really looking forward to is the tv special on tonight at 8.30 on channel 7: Ivan Milat, Born to Kill.
you know. despite the fact that when i walked home today i totally had to walk right past the VERY SAME SPOT that some IVAN MILAT COPY-CAT brutally KILLED someone.
and then right after that i had to walk right past the VERY GOLF COURSE where some person got killed by SOME OTHER IVAN MILAT LOOK-ALIKE.
then when i got home i had to walk into my house which is right down the street from longueville road where SOME OLD LADY GOT BASHED RIGHT OUTSIDE HER FRONT DOOR BY THE GRANNY KILLER.

you know. all of that. plus the fact that I was voted "most likely to be killed by Ivan Milat", plus the fact that he is probably seeking revenge on me at this very moment after all those jokes I made in his expense, plus the fact that I am a perfect target on account of my clumsiness, inability to run when being chased, and infamous granny-hands.

but other than that.
i am so taping it.

my reluctant return to school - part 2

well today was heinous in everyway possible except for modern because modern is my reason for existance and emmy is the apple of my eye.

but everything else was total sucko because well i found out we have to hand in both our historical investigations in like less than two weeks and i havent started either of them.
also that i have an extension essay tomorrow on the comparison of two books, neither of which i have bothered to read.
also that i have an economics essay due on thursday, which i read the question for, and then thought to myself...
"how did i go my entire life without learning any of those words?"

but most of that was made up for by the few seconds i have each day to view the hilarity in kiera struggling to get up the stairs on her crutches.

my reluctant return to school - part 1

phew
i so almost just had a heart attack because
a) tomorrow is the first day of school
b) its a tuesday
c) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have p.e
d) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have to face that woman

but luckily for me there is no p.e until thursday, so i have at least 2 days to concoct some lame excuse as to why i dont have p.e shorts, as well as to concoct some lame excuse as to why it is illegal for p.e teachers to lynch their students.

home and away family tree 

home and away

i finally realised why its so hard for people to understand what the hell is going on with home and away

(and this is only current characters plus a few randoms)

alf was married to ailsa and was in love with the gov, who went to gaol with dani, who dated scott, the son of beth, who was married to rhys who married shelley, the mother of dani, and now loves tony, the father of jack who is married to martha, best friend of tasha who is married to robbie the son of beth, and is having a baby with jonah. scott loves hayley, the sister of will who married gypsy. hayley was married to noah who was killed by sarah, who was thought to be related to zoe, who dated kim, who is now dating rachel, the sister of brad who has a crush on sally, who was married to flynn. flynn kissed leah who was married to vinnie and had a son with him named vj, and is now married to dan who was married to amanda, mother of belle and ryan. belle lives with irene, who loved paris and barry, who had a fling with beth and is the father of kim, who is engaged to rachel. belle used to date ric, who is dating cassie, who dated macca, the brother of martha. cassie is best friends with maddie, who loves lucas who kissed lee, who is having a baby with mr brayburn.

and that will probably change completely by next week

serial electronic killer

oh
my
gosh
i swear.
i have the worst luck with electronics in the world.

like seriously. i am like the serial electronic killer. i AM the serial electronic killer!!
ok. a timeline of my career as a murderer of electronic goods:

my first phone: i had it for 6 months then i had to get it replaced. then it went ok for almost a year. then i think the insides melted.
my second phone: probably my fault for buying it off ebay, but hey, i thought if it works for Bubs itll work for me. no such luck. it was ok for like 4 months then it screwed up.
our computer: was fine until i used it one time to print something. the next day it had been sent away for repairs
my laptop: fine for 10 months then the ram exploded or something so i got it fixed, then 3 days (i kid you not, 3 days) later the fan broke and the hard-drive started to melt or something. fixed again.
my ipod: i had it for 12 months then it stopped working so i got it replaced. 3 months later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. 3 weeks later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. this time the replacement didnt even start working. currently on my fourth replacement.
my third phone: had it for about 3 weeks and it stopped working. got it replaced. stopped working a week ago. not yet replaced.

so people, warn your electronics. keep them away from me.

rump on the rock

oh oh oh
today was so much fun. even though i totally had to get up early.
so i met Beffi and Mai at chatty and we got on the train and then thought "hey, this train trip will be pretty boring unless we play a joke on someone" so we decided to msg Sair and Gem hu just got on the train behind us and tell them we got on the wrong train and it was expressing to Emu Plains.
Ha
anyway they fully believed us so when we got off at circular quay and met Lollen we made a plan to hide from them, so they would see Lollen by herself and think that we were really in Emu Plains, which would then bring a good laugh for all.
anyway.
the plan was all going exactly to plan until they saw us through the enourmous glass window we were hiding behind.

that hiding spot was so not my idea.
anyway then we all went to the rocks and tried to find pancakes on the rocks, and somehow me Gem and Sair got separated from the others just as it started pouring, and of course we were the ones who didnt have umbrellas.
so we stood around for a while thinking up different ways to attack people and take their umbrellas, and eventually we decided to run up this ramp thing which we hoped would take us to the right place.
by this time it was really raining, so in effect the ramp had kind of turned into a waterslide but we got there eventually, and it was fun becoz we all ordered like the chocolitiest thing on the menu (EXCEPT for sair who ordered vanilla bean curd or something) and laughed at this totally revolting pancake we found on the menu which was like cream cheese rolled in lettuce and wrapped in liquid poo or something equally as revolting and played The Hardest Part by Coldplay on the jukebox and laughed hysterically at the video clip (if you havent seen it you should - its like a car crash: horrifically disturbing, but you are somehow unable to tear your eyes away)

anyway then we looked at the menu and realised, hey, there are just as many other things on this menu as there are pancakes, and so sparked the debate of why it is actually called Pancakes On The Rocks, deliberating whether or not it should be given another name, like Ribs On The Rocks, or (my favourite), Rump On The Rock.

then we went to the pier to go to this art gallery thing and look at all the obscure artworks like this fan that someone had glued hair all over. Or that giant chandelier that we sat in front of for like 15 minutes.
Or that video of some old dude playing a trumpet or something which beth said sounded like "a baby throwing up".

anyway then we began our escapade to get to the pitt street mall which took like a dajillion kajillion bazillion years. and then when we finally got there we were like im bored. lets go home.
so home we went.
and it was good.

its a best seller, im telling you 

the education board's plot against me

i swear.

like every teacher in australia hates me.
seriously. like every teacher employed by the board of education has to go through a screening process.
do you have a teaching degree? yes
do you handle emotional situations well? yes
do you hate jacki trew? oh yes

like. the principal to my old school. dude. i think she hated me the most.
or maybe the librarian at my old school. i think she was the devil.
that movie The Omen.
yeah, probably based on her life.

like i went back to my old school today, and while i was there i had to do something that i always do when im there, its like a ritual.
i have to go sit in the foyer and get out all the old school photo albums and laugh at the pictures of my friends in year one and so on.
so im sitting there with maddy, laughing hysterically at my haircut at age 8, then suddenly this woman (who i dont even KNOW, but i assume shes the new principle) comes out and goes

woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: GIRLS!!
me: yes?
woman: (looking closely at me) Rebecca?
me: what?
woman: REBECCA!!
me: me?
woman: are you Rebecca?
me: um. no
woman: oh. then get out

its so UNFAIR!
but i got them back and then some.

ohmigosh
ohmigosh
ohmigosh

what just happened to me was so good, it may even make it to the top 5 on my "funniest moments of my life" list

i was on msn and then looked at my display picture and thought, hey jacki, thats a pretty crappy display picture, so i decided to change it, so i clicked on the little tab which says click here for options and then i moved my mouse to the line that says change my display picture but WAIT what happened was i thought i moved my mouse to that line, but i accidentally moved my mouse to the line underneath it which says create a dynamic display picture, and when i did, this other list came up, which looked like this:

create a Kiwee Muggin
create a Dynamic Meego
create a Dynamic WeeMee
quebles Display Pictures

AND WHEN I LOOKED AT THE THIRD ONE I THOUGHT IT SAID create a dynamic weewee
and i thought
DYNAMIC WEEWEE?
aha
aahaha
ahahhahahahahahhaa

but then i relalised i was wrong.

but hey. its still pretty funny

in other words..

what happened when i put the lyrics of "wonderwall" through a theasaurus:

Nowadays is intended to be the sunlight hours (Today is gonna be the day)
That they aim to fling it flipside to you (That theyre gonna throw it back to you)
Already you should've one way or another (By now you should've somehow)
Realized what you have to accomplish (Realized what you gotta do)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)

Rear-thump the statement is on the boulevard (Backbeat, the word is on the street)
That the inferno in your aortic pump has been distinguished (That the fire in your heart is out)
I'm certain you've heard it all previously (Im sure you've heard it all before)
But you’ve not at all really had an uncertainty (But you never really had a doubt)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)

And every highway we have to saunter along is meandering (And all the roads we have to walk are winding)
And all the illuminations that escort us there make it impossible to see (And all the lights that lead the way are blinding)
There are countless things that I would (There are many things that I would)
Like to pronounce to you (Like to say to you)
But I cannot identify how (But I dont know how)

Because perhaps (Coz maybe)
You're gonna be the lone soul that hoards me (You're gonna be the one that saves me)
And subsequent to the entire (And after all)
You're my marvel-fence (You're my wonder-wall)

That Time I Met...Orlando Bloom (in my dreams)

Jacki: Wanna make out?
Orlando: Kay

THE END

That time i met orlando bloom 

eight legged freaks

(in the shower)
Jacki: (singing) I'm washin my hair, its feelin good, I'm washin my hair oooh baby yeah
Spider: (On the ceiling above my head) Hisssss
Jacki: What was that?!
Spider: Hisssss
Jacki: (Grabbing bar of soap for protection) I'm warning you! I have a weapon!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Looks up and sees spider) AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Running out of bathroom) Catherine! Catherine! Help me!
Catherine: What the hell?
Jacki: I'm being attacked! Help! There's a spider!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: See??!! Didn't you hear that?
Catherine: I didn't hear anything. Just wash it down the drain.
Jacki: I can't! It's on the roof, I can't get to it! Please, help!!! I'm dying!
Catherine: Oh, fine (walks into bathroom and sees spider)
Jacki: See? I told you!!
Catherine: Jacki...this is a daddy long legs
Jacki: It tried to kill me!
Catherine: Oh, fine (Sweeps spider out the door)
Jacki: My hero!
Catherine: Whatever


see? see?!!
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME

yeah laugh it up

there are so many lame things about what im doing right now that i felt compelled to write them down in case anyone needs self-reassurance that they arent the lamest person out there

1. Its 2.46 am
2. Im blogging
3. For the 4th time today
4. I just looked myself up on google
5. And google images
6. Ive actually done more than 70% of the things on my new and improved Cosmo list
7. Because of me, people that dont even go to Roseville, people who dont even go to a girls school, know about Shanny
8. I just wondered how many people would buy a book that was merely a collection of all my blogs
9. Then I considered making that book
10. I watch big brother
11. And big brother uplate
12. I dont know how to turn my alarm off so I get woken up every morning at 615
13. I just realised I dont know what IQ stands for
14. I'm listening to S Club 7
15. I know who S Club 7 are
16. Im freezing cold but too scared to turn my electric blanket on incase it engulfs me in flames
17. Now I'm singing S Club 7 too
18. To my cat
19. Who just ran out of the room
and...
20. No one is going to read this

kate richie, ada nicademou and jacki trew, stars of home and away which airs weekdays at 7pm on channel 7 

top ten

Top 10 song lyrics that are just plain bad

10. "I might like you better if we slept together" - Vandalism, Never Say Never

9. "Walking down the street, something caught my eye, a growing epidemic that really ain't fly. A middle-aged lady, I gotta be blunt - her spandex biker pants were creeping up the front" - Fannypack, Camel Toe

8. "Am I original? Yeah! Am I the only one? Yeah! Am I sexual? Yeah! Am I everything you need, you better rock your body now" - Backstreet Boys, Everybody

7. "Baby cant you see? How these clothes are fittin' on me, and the heat coming from this beat. I'm about to blow, and I dont think you know" - Pussycat Dolls, Buttons

6. "Old school sounds, coming down blasting. All the homies in the house, you know they be maxin'. Coolin' out with style like back in the days, representing the skills, putting suckers in their place" - Bomfunk MCs, B boys and fly girls

5. "I got the rolly on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon. And I roll the best weed cause I got it going on" - Snoop Dogg, Drop it like its hot

4. "She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt, uh, I think to sing it again. She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what, all night long - Let me see that thong" - Sisqo, The Thong Song

3. "And I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there. I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there. For better or worse, till death do us part, I'll love you with every beat of my heart. And I swear" - All-4-One, I swear

2. "Since I'm already screwed, here's a message to you: My heart's wide open. I'm just not getting through to the lover in you " - Paris Hilton, Screwed

1. "Last night I was inside of you. Last night, while making love to you, I saw the sun, the moon, the mountains and the rivers. I saw heaven when I made sweet love to you" - Az Yet, Last night

the oc

i had a thought.

since everyone knows that marissa is going to die on the oc (and well if you didnt, you do know) what they should do is, they should rewrite the last episode so that she doesnt die, and then all the marissa-hater clubs could all go and stand outside the gates to the oc, because i imagine its one of those places that you cant get into unless you have a black credit card and a sophisticated name like Ophelia or Sanford, and hold up signs that say things like
Marissa Schamissa, and
We love Summer, and
Kill the whore! You promised!!

i mean. i would pay to see that.


pfft, no i wouldnt.

moderno

im having serious modern withdrawals
i miss it! i miss you modern!

i need modern like you need Digestrol if you suffer from bloating, cramps and explosive diarrhea

jacki vs cosmo - the showdown

Cosmo's list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private

1. Drink your flatmate's red wine and then refill what you drank with water (hoping she won't take a swig before you've had time to replace it with the real thing)
2. Do the dance moves you did when you were out last night in the mirror, to see if you were as sexy as you thought
3. Pout in the mirror to see what you'd look like if you could afford to get your lips plumped up like Angelina Jolie
4. Fantasise about what you'd say to your boyfriend if you caught him in mid-pash with another girl
5. Download your entire Cold Chisel collection on to your iPod and give it the codename "Ministry of Sound Annual"
6. Google your boyfriend's ex (and wish you hadn't when you find out she's a swimwear model)
7. Google yourself and get peeved when you find out all the other "yous" are more successful
8. Wear filthy tracksuit pants for the 11th night in a row
9. Pluck your rogue body hairs...and secretly look forward to when they start sprouting again
10. Make crazy diet deals with yourself - like you'll have the magnum today, and live off 5 litres of water and a can of tuna tomorrow
11. After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, trying them on with other items in your wardrobe (full face of makeup required)
12. Try on your bikini in the depths of winter so you can see how pasty and wrong you look in it
13. Drop your flatmate's toothbrush in the toilet, then put it back in the holder
14. Fart and burb. Loudly
15. Accidentally scrape your Ford Laser's door against a gleaming new Mercedes SLK, then drive away
16. Discover that you are tamponless, so construct a DIY sanitary pad from a wad of toilet paper, securing it to your knicker crotch with more loo role
17. Drop food on the kitchen floor, but because you haven't broken the three second rule, eat it anyway
18. Scroll through your boyfriends "recieved calls" list while he's in the shower
19. Promise to dry-clean a friends dress, but just put it in an old plastic dry-cleaners bag
20. Write out the guest list for your wedding, even though you dont have a boyfriend

Jacki's *NEW AND IMPROVED* list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private

1. Make your own Boost out of one blueberry, a spoonful of strawberry yogurt, and half a tub of icecream, then claim its "healthy" - because its a Boost!
2. Do dance moves in front of the mirror. Not to see if you were sexy. Just for kicks
3. Stand in front of the mirror and pretend your mouth is a cave, and your tongue is a crazy worm trying to escape from it
4. Fantasise about what Kate Bosworth would say if she found you in mid-pash with Orlando Bloom
5. Finally get over the fact that you have Spice Girls in the most played list on your iPod, and stop trying to hide it from everyone
6. Google "Emmy Shanahan"
7. Google "(your name) and Emmy Shanahan"
8. To save time, shower in your filthy tracksuit pants - you can clean yourself and your clothes at the same time
9. Sit and think about all the places that hair could grow from on a human body
10. Laugh at people who make crazy diet deals with themselves, then eat what amounts to the entire candy-rack at 7/11
11. After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, completely naked, and wonder why you bought the clothes
12. Run down the street in a skin-coloured bikini screaming "streaker! STREAKER!"
13. Drop your sister's toothbrush in the toilet. Leave it there
14. Fart and burb. Quietly for a change
15. Accidentally-on-purpose write "vagina" all over the whiteboard in your modern history classroom
16. Fill a bathtub with water, then chuck in a box of tampons and watch them go!
17. Drop food on Vandi, then come back after the weekend, realise its still there, and eat it
18. Talk to the people on your sister's msn list while she's in the shower
19. Promise your mum that you'll clean your room, but instead just sweep everything under the bed
20. Re-write Cosmo articles

what IS it?

im talking about the hideous creation you see below this post.

...its actually unclear to me what this...piece of clothing? is.
i mean. it looks like she rolled out of bed in her billowing nightie, wrapped her bedsheets around her waist a couple of times, combed a tube of car grease through her hair, rolled her sleeves up a little and thought to herself before leaving the house..
"hey...i should probably wear matching wooden bracelets on each wrist...yeah, that will look awesome"

congratulations, whoever you are.
uve brought new meaning to the word hideous

What is it? 

my triumphant return to sydney!!

OHMIGOSH I AM SO BACK ITS NOT FUNNY
so sucked in to all the people in queensland because guess what??

...
...
I AM SO NOT THERE ANYMORE!!
which is probably better for them because all day long they were probably thinking, who is this crazy girl, this girl, who keeps wandering past the internet cafe and looking longingly at the computers as if she would very much like to come in and do something on the internet, possibly post a blog on her website www.jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com?

but of course i had to leave so i could come home and do all the stuff that i missed doing while i was away and needed to do so very badly like blog and stalk emmy

speaking of emmy, i should get back to that

until 5 seconds from now!!!
jacki

give me manly men any day of the week

ok.
i had to spoil the dramatic exit because julia julia and i were just talking about how much womanly men SUCK because i mean how are you supposed to survive with a womanly man?
its just stupid!
if something happens and suddenly the world goes back to the stone age, do you think its going to be the womenly men who are hunting and gathering for the women-folk?
i dont think so! no! because they will be too busy getting their nails done, and singing in musicals!
(and this is in no way intending to dishonour the people in high school musical)

so what we really need to do is look for the manly men, because really, they are the manly ones, and if you suddenly break your legs half way up mt everest, it is going to be a manly man who carries you to the top.
like kim from home and away. i swear, he is lost in the bush for like one day, and grows a beard. now thats what i call manliness! yes kim! yes! more! more facial hair, you beast of a man!
go hunt wild deer for us kim! go! take your manly beard and hunt like a MAN!

now i must leave.
i love you all long time!

au revoir!

goodbye my lovers

ok.
this is it people. my last post for seven whole days, not including the rest of today.
i know.
its heart-wrenching.
how will you survive without me and my incoherant rambling for a whole week?
but you can make it. because the love between me and my readers will last forever, because we never let go even though we say we wont, and we never hog entire doors which could hold at least two people when we're all treading water together in the freezing atlantic ocean, fighting for survival after our five star cruise liner has sunk after making devestating contact with an iceberg.
so Beffy, Janey, Julia, anyone else who reads my blog (sorry if i didnt mention your name but its your own fault for NOT LEAVING ANY COMMENTS), goodbye my lovers.

and i know the person who will be most upset by my departure is emmy, because obviously, she will be without a stalker for a week.
but dont worry emmy, ill be back next saturday, and ill stalk you twice as much to make up for lost time.

a.b.c?

i just realised
there are like a dillion abbreviations in the world that i dont know the meaning of.
like you know how people shorten things so theyre just like a couple of letters you say?
like instead of saying the club for people who love and stalk emmy shanahan, you can just say TCFPWLASES
anyway. there are like a dillion of those that i say all the time and i actually dont know what they mean.
like spf
or raaf
or quantas
or tlc
or nerd
or awa
or anz

today for the first time ever, I...

realised that all my faithful blog viewers (which amounts to pretty much Jane and Beth) wont be able to read about my life for a whole week starting tomorrow

its time for my date with orlando bloom!

my love for orlando bloom has officially been rekindled.
for all of you who watched troy with me in ancient and constantly payed him out for the whole movie, saying things like:
"OHmigosh its just a little fleshwound u wuss!"

"Thats right, run back to daddy and your big brother"

"Id tap that...if only he had a penis"
well times have changed my friends and if u see pirates 2, you will too die from too many orgasms because he is so dashing.

in the words of mitchey - "if only he'd reply to my letters"

marge trew

and i kid you not.
today.
in coles.
we were looking at the new simpsons enviro bags. you know, the ones that are like the green coles bags, except they are yellow and have a picture of a simpsons character on them?
well my mum (who i get bagged out for, because im constantly doing impersonations of her that sound like marge simpson) looks straight at the bag that has a picture of marge on it, and goes (and i quote):
"hey look! its me!"
and buys it.

i tell you, im not the only odd one in this family

today for the first time ever, i...

opened one of my ancient text books

so.
soo.
i have this thing. so annoying. so annoying. its like some disease i have which isnt really a disease its just some subconcious thing that i have in the back of my mind, but it actually affects me which is really annoying and now im just rambling.
so everytime my sister chases me (mainly with an aim to hurt me) its like my brain sends a message to my legs to, you know, stop working.
which is quite annoying because you know, when you're running away from someone, all you pretty much want is for your legs to be working. but no. no. nooooo
take this afternoon for instance.
spring rolls. yeah, i know what you're thinking. yuuuum!. well thats what i was thinking too. so when i walked past catherine who was holding a plate with spring rolls on it, my natural instincts told me:
spring rolls! take! eat! NOW!
so i did.
unfortunately for me, catherine sometimes has natural instincts too, and at that moment, hers were saying:
she took a spring roll....DESTROY HER!!
so catherine drops the plate and starts chasing me, and i (being the idiot that i am) head straight for the stairs. now, im half way up when this stupid annoying thing sets in, and my legs just stop working.
now, someone once told me that if you want to run faster, all you have to do is move your arms faster. and i believed them. i learnt today that this theory doesnt work. especially if your legs arent working in the first place.
so there i am, standing still on the 6th step with my arms flailing wildly about me, and catherine looming up behind me, and my parents sitting at the table staring, wondering what they did to deserve such odd children.

today for the first time ever, i...

got toothpaste stuck between the A and Q keys on my computer.

today for the first time ever, i...

watched an entire episode of Good Morning Miami, from start to finish.

jackis ideal home and away episode

my idea of the best home and away episode...

amanda dies, colleen and alf get it on, danni comes back to summer bay, hayley and scott return from overseas, martha and jack have babies, robbie gets run over, cassie and ric turn out to be related, sally gets remarried, ivf works for dan and leah, pete comes back to life but doesnt have a liver and dies again, "zoe" returns, kim and rachel get married, irene and kit get drunk together, belle turns out to be a man, barry burns down the school, tasha gives birth to an alien and miss shanahan guest stars.

its time for my din-dins!

so last night we also went out to dinner which was the SHIZ with me, hanni, beffy, lollen, gem, kat, jordan, sair, mai and ben.
which was super fun even though i could only eat 2/5ths of the food we ordered because most of it would have killed me. but that gave everyone a laugh so it was all good.
after dinner we wandered around chatswood for 2 hours before the movie started, trying to find a replacement vandi, but we couldnt so we just went into gloria jeans and talked about how much we missed emmy. well me and beth did anyway.
well it was pretty much only me.
whatever.
then we went to see stick it which was totally confusing but in a fun way because we made commentary all the way through extremely loudly and im pretty sure that everyone in the cinema wanted to kill us and hack up our bodies when we were done.

its time for luncheon!

OHMIGOSH so today we had lunch at issis with me, issi, juju, madi, luc and mol. and it was so much fun my head almost exploded.
so first we watched julia attempt to, um, fry? eggplant which was hilarious but in the end it looked ok, even though the first thing lucy said wen she saw it was "how did you do that? you even got the sides to burn!"
and then we sat in issi room and confused people on msn with issis disturbing disturbing animations which were DISTURBING to say the least.
after lunch which was YUUUM we went and played foosball and sing star, and i can now confidentally say that i suck at both of them.
then julia sang like a virgin while writhing around on the floor and giving us all fairly disturbing looks from the various, equally disturbing angles that she was positioning herself in on the carpet.
i dont think ive ever been so turned on. except that one time that mr dubya and campy did a dance to dontcha.
that was also hot.

Shower Thoughts#9

the ultimate human would be a cross between Emmy Shanahan and Michael Jackson

A scheme for chocolate

a plan played out by myself, beff and mai about 2 days ago when we'd run out of our own lunch and, finding ourselves still hungry, had gone in search for someone elses.

(from inside the phone room)
Beth: Who's going to call her?
Mai: Not me!
Jacki: No, you do it Beth
Mai: Jacki you do it.
Jacki: No make Beth do it!
Beth: Ok im dialling her number (hits 115)
Jacki: (whispering frantically) What do i say? what do i say??!!
Beth and Mai: (give blank looks)
Voice on phone: Hello, history department.
Jacki: Um hi. Is miss shanahan there?
Voice on phone: Who is speaking please?
Jacki: (trying not to laugh) Um. Its jacki trew
Voice on phone: Ill see if shes here (puts phone down)
Jacki Beth and Mai: (laughing uncontrollably)
Miss Shanahan: Jacki? Are you there?
Jacki: Oh hi Shanny.
Miss Shanahan: What is it?
Jacki: We need to talk to you. its urgent!
Miss Shanahan: (Sounding concerned) Oh, ok. Is it about the historical investigation?
Jacki: (Turning to beth and mai, whispering) She wants to know if its about the historical investigation...
Miss Shanahan: Jacki?
Jacki: (Passing the phone to mai) You talk to her!
Mai: Hi?
Miss Shanahan: What do you guys need?
Mai: We need you to come down!
Miss Shanahan: Sure. Ill be right there
Beth Jacki and Mai: (In hysterics)
Miss Shanahan: (Coming down the stairs) Whats wrong guys?
Beth: We, um. we...
Miss Shanahan: Yep?
Jacki: We need chocolate
Mai: Yeah. Please? You promised us!
Miss Shanahan: Are you serious?
Jacki: What?
Miss Shanahan: You made me walk all the way down here to give you chocolate.
Beth: Please? We ran out of our own lunch, and we're really hungry!
Miss Shanahan: (starts walking up stairs)
Jacki: Are you coming back??
Miss Shanahan: Maybe...

Luckily after we waited for a minute she returned with freddos for all!
and we loved her and she loved us, and there was much rejoycing

The plot of the magpies

Its true.
The magpies are plotting against me.

I tried to be nice. I tried to ignore them. I tried not to eat their eggs.
But thats it. enough is enough!
Everytime i walk home i have to walk through central park (which isnt really the real central park, its just the weeny park next to my house which also has the name central park). And everytime i walk through central park, im a perfect angel. I dont run to fast. I dont walk too slow. I dont throw tennis balls at the old folk. And every time - EVERY SINGLE TIME - I walk through central park, the magpies organise themselves into a diving squadron and bomb me like mini kamakazi acrobats covered in feathers.

no one else. just me.

so at first i thought it was just a coincidence. I thought they were just after my maroon school jumper or something. but no. no no no. because those stupid magpies try to kill me EVERY TIME i walk through that park NO MATTER WHICH outfit im wearing that day.
so.
the magpies are trying to kill me. I can see it in their eyes. I can see the plots they make inside their tiny bird heads.
but I have a plan.
because obviously the magpies arent afraid of me. But they'll probably be afraid of my dads chainsaw.

those magpies are going down.

all the people i stalk own leather coats...


....maybe i should invest in a leather coat

That Time I Met...Buffy Wu

Jacki: Tell us about yourself
Buffy: Why dont you?? arent you one of those year elevens who stalks me?
Jacki: So what if i am?
Buffy: I have to say, even if at first i was a teeny bit flattered, now im just creeped out.
Jacki: Oh admit it. you love being able to boast to all your little year one friends about how everyone in year eleven idolises you
Buffy: Ok. lets just say i am. which im not! doesnt it lower your status a little?
Jacki: How so?
Buffy: Im 6. your 16. you idolise me.
Jacki: Ok i get your point. But we're not stopping.
Buffy: Oh i think i can make you
Jacki: You do, do you? (laughs evilly)
Buffy: What?
Jacki: I have ways of stalking you've never even dreamed about.
Buffy: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
Jacki: Ask Shanny.
Buffy: Maybe I will
Jacki: Maybe you should just go lick it all up.
Buffy: Lick what up?
Jacki: You know buffy wu. you know


THE END

Nicole Kidman skips town

so.
Nicole Kidman thinks she can get away with this, does she?
you know, even though she has a busy "hollywood star" schedule, you would have thought that she maybe, could, you know, take some time out from her busy timetable, you know, between marrying people and buying mansions and visiting secluded tropical islands, and come see her old house.
wouldnt you?
But no. no no no. obviously this is too much for nicole kidman because she flew off to the bahamas or bora bora or the place where they film lost or wherever her next billion dollar house is being built without even coming to visit me.
which is annoying because i FULLY cleaned my room and i totally put the Moulin Rouge dvd out on display. But NO.

well. well well well.
she isnt going to get away with this.
shes in for some stalking.





right after shanny.

a song for shazza

(to the tune of "the flintstones")
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be

from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse One:
she can
teach us all kinds of crazy stuff
and her
boyfriends are always really buff
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can be

from the
school of roseville
and the greatest thing is she loves me
Verse Two:
she can
tapdance as well as she can walk
and she
is my favourite one to stalk
Chorus:
emshaz
shes the emshaz
shes the greatest shaz that there can
the greatest there can
the greatest shaz that there can be!!!


(if you dont know the flintstones theme listen to it here:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64bXJWjupzE&search=flintstones%20theme

Why Shanny Rocks My World

why The Emshaz rocks Jackis world

• She teaches modern
• She's the youngest teacher in the school
• She keeps the presents we make for her
• She does all the performing arts crap
• Shes the newbie
• She can tap dance
• She likes michael jackson
• She likes High School Musical
• She watches the Disney Channel
• She came to vandi this one time
• She can do the moonwalk
• She laughs at our lame jokes
• She tells us to shut up
• She lets us call her Shanny and Emshaz and Shazza and Emmy and Em and ShizShaz and Shazhole and Shizhole and many other nicknames
• She went in dancing with the staff
• She tries to get angry but it just looks funny
• She has msn
• She talks to us about Timmy and Lukey
• She looks like Yancy
• She tries to pretend she doesnt think she looks like Yancy
• Shes nice to all her brothers and sisters
• She tells us cool stories about her family and cuba and jury duty and crap
• She takes our suggestions, like the one Beth gave her about making a blog, and the one I gave her about watching Dirty Dancing
• Shes easy to stalk
• She gets jealous when I try to stalk other people
• She has a matrix coat
• She knows shes cool
• She helped me pick a modern topic to study
• She reads my blog

and the number one reason why Shanny rocks my world...?

• She finally admitted I rock her world too

top ten

Top Ten Classic and Almost Impossibly Unbelievable Home and Away Plotlines (so far)

10: The one where Hayley tried to make a body mould of Alexei, but the plaster dried and she couldnt get it off and he almost suffocated to death.
9: The one where it turned out that Kirsty and Jade actually werent twins, and Kirstys twin was actually Laura. Then Kirsty got lazy so she got Laura to take the HSC for her.
8: The one where Amanda conducted an adults only photo shoot on Summer Bay Beach.
7: The one Noah tried to seduce Hayley on the beach by saying (and i quote) "ah! my sexy love! i wish you worshipped your body by firelight!" before realising that he was actually serenading none other than Alf Stewert.
6: The one where Sally had sex with Heath Ledger in his caravan.
5: The one where Kirsty got married to the guy who raped her sister.
4: The one where they somehow turned the fact that Mattie got sunburnt into the fact that Flynn was going to die in 3 months of melanoma.
3: The one where Zoe The Stalker died in the factory fire, but wait, no she didnt! It was actually her young accomplice who just happened to have the same hair colour, eye colour, body shape, height and weight as her.
2: The one where Vinnie supposedly died in a gaol fire, but then he came back as part of the witness relocation program and visitied VJ's birthday party dressed as a giant bear.
1: The one where Alf was going to die, so he went shopping for coffins and found a ghost of his dead wife inside of one. Then suddenly, he wasnt going to die anymore!

did i just hear what i thought i heard?

(on an add for laser hair removal)
woman: dont you just hate having hair on your legs and chest?

someone please. tell me im wrong

ode to paul walker

paul walker is hot
i love him alot
paul walker is fine
i wish he was mine

paul walker is smart
likes strawberry tarts
paul walker is tanned
probably in some cool band

paul walker is fit
dont you know it?
paul walker can dance
even with no pants

paul walker has fame
but he is not lame
id like to be carried...
oh dammit hes married!

paul walker can talk
paul walker can walk
paul walker like chalk
paul walker - i stalk

top 10

Jackis top ten embarassing moments (so far)

10. That time everyone found out I owned the book by paris hilton and the book by nicole richie

9. That time I corrected someone for saying the word impossible ("actually, its umpossible. impossible isnt a word")

8. That time someone told me that space was 3D and i replied "which space?"

7. That time my netball skirt fell off in the middle of a game

6. That time my mum found me dancing to leo sayer in our living room

5. That time my skirt blew up in the westfield carpark and i didnt notice so i kept walking

4. That time Mel dacked me when we were riding in the back of Sair's dad's ute

3. That time my pants got caught on the side of a dumpster and I ripped a huge hole in the ass, then I had to catch the bus home

2. That time my cozi fell off during swimming lessons in year 2

1. That time i was in the middle of a rendition of the dance scene by tom cruise in Risky Business after just having got out of the shower when i realised our bay windows were open and my neighbours were all staring at me.

(next top 10: classic home and away plotlines)

The Greenwich...?

similar to what i did about a year ago, when Beth n Mel n crap were trying to name their band and i came up with a whole list of names that everyone thought were stupid and i thought were brilliant.

except this time its our netball team whose been trying to think of a name for like the past 7 years (ever since Julia named us "the greenwich geckos" and everyones been trying to think of a better one but a)they cant and b)julia refuses to let go of the gecko era)
so obviously i came up with some of my own.

• the greenwich gnomes
• the greenwich sandwiches
• the greenwich g-strings
• the greenwich full briefs
• the greenwich men
• the greenwich munches
• the greenwich pats
• the greenwich g-units
• the greenwich hangnails
• the greenwich chucks
• the greenwich sloths
• the greenwich shanahans

just randomly

just randomly - a new weekly column which irrationally attempts to answer all of life's incongruous questions. submit a question...i dare you

The Pad Ad
So. the pad ad.
we all know it. the one with some girl trying to squeeze herself into the smallest size of every piece of clothing she owns. you know. the jeans. the shirt. the boots. then she gets her boyfriend to "grab her a pad" out of the draw.
ok. OK
WHAT???!!!!
first of all...WHATS WITH THE PAD BEING IN THE DRAW? why would it be in the bedroom next to the tv??? it should be IN THE BATHROOM, IN A DRAW, UNDER A FERAL OLD HAIRBRUSH where NO ONE ON EARTH has to look at it.
second of all...what is the pad doing already unwrapped? doesnt the lady know how unhygenic that is? it makes me want to vomit. shes going to get toxic shock syndrome and DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH BECAUSE SHE LEFT HER FILTHY PAD UNWRAPPED IN THE DRAW WHERE HER BOYFRIEND CAN LOOK AT IT AND PLAY WITH IT!!!!

and lastly...WHY WOULD SHE WASTE HER TIME EXPLAINING TO HER BOYFRIEND WHICH TYPE OF PAD SHE SHOULD USE WHEN...
A) he doesnt care
B) he doesnt need to know
C) she is probably LEAKING all OVER THE PLACE
so.
soo.
an explanation?
the boyfriend is a woman. disguised as a man. but not very well.

That Time I Met...Otzi

Jacki: He's fierce, he's fast, he's frozen...its ICEMAN
Otzi: Actually it's otzi
Jacki: Otzi like that library dude?
Otzi: No dumbass, Otzi like me. I own that library dude.
Jacki: Wow...kinky. And can I just say that your appearance makes me want to vomit? Anyway, tell us about yourself Otzi, hows life in the old...alps...
Otzi: Well you know, not so good. It was ok until I died a horrible death from a combination of hypothermia, skull lacerations, and you know, just being myself. Then I was in for 5,000 odd years of being trampled over in the snow until two randoms discovered my mutated corpse. At this point I thought hey, I've been found, maybe I'm in for some tlc now, but no, they proceeded to ignore the fact that im 5000 years old, an important historical artefact, one of the only remnants of my time, and not to mention dead sexy, and got some bearded fatty to rip me from under some boulder, sling me over his shoulder and lug me to the nearest ice station.
Jacki: Wow. Too bad.
Otzi: Shut up. Now, did I mention I dont have a penis? Thats right, no penis for Otzi. I mean, what are the odds. I dont have a vagina either. I mean, I could have at least retained one from my days as an ancient furry tranvestite prostitute, but no, the nads freeze off and im left with what looks like a shrivelled prune glued in between my legs.
Jacki: Um
Otzi: And have you seen my face? I mean, I've seen better things to look at inside the creases on a dead elephants anus.
Jacki: I'm not going to deny that.
Otzi: Yeah. Well I tried to get back into my old career, you know, as a man-whore, but I dont know, for some reason people dont want to be seen naked with 5000 year old skeletons.
Jacki: Hard to believe...
Otzi: Shut up. I know you want me bad.
Jacki: Well I wont deny that either.
Otzi: Maybe the whole whore thing would work better if i had some prositute-y clothes. Where's that Jess chick? Maybe I can borrow her boots...

THE END

Elizabeth Maree Davies Docker

so
beth
beth is cool. beth forced me to write this blog. practically forced me. she said "write a blog about me. if you do ill write a blog about you". well that might not have happened.

i love beth. beth is 16 and she has short-ish hair that is dyed but it doesnt looked dyed if you know what i mean. you know how some people have dyed hair and you're totally like "your hair is so dyed". well not with beth. beths hair is nice. i wish i had hair like that. not me, i have hanus hair. hanus like a fox.
beth and i have modern together. we always have crazy times in modern by pissing off emshaz even though she totally loves us and cant bring herself to punish us except that sometimes she does. but oh well. beth and i do lots of cool stuff in modern like talk and scream and laugh and talk to emmy. actually the only thing we dont do in modern is the work, which shows in my results (which are dismal) but dont show in beths (because she is a freak)

thats right. beth is smart. beth used to do smart maths but now she does general maths. i used to do smart maths too. but unlike beth, i was crap at smart maths. i am also crap at general maths. im crap at most things. this post is actually becoming more about me *slaps myself*.

beth has a boyfriend called ben. they do heaps of stuff together like go to places where crazy people slap you in the face. it sounds like fun. beth and ben are so cute together, they do heaps of cute stuff, like the time ben wrote beth a card on their one year anniversery. beth let me read that card. it was cute.
beth likes miss shanahan. well sometimes. apart from when she's mean. which is sometimes. but beth loves her anyway.
beth likes to do heaps of cool stuff like sing and dance and work at peter alexander and play the guitar and strangle me with computer extension cords (which she is doing right now).
beth also likes to stalk people with me. we stalk people together, mostly emshaz, which is fun, because everyone gets freaked out. casey helps too. so does google earth.

beth is in preston. preston used to be cool but now theyre not because they are becoming the "Loser House" instead of cuthbert, which is handy, because i am:
a) in cuthbert
b) tired of being a loser
beth is good at lots of things too. beth has a cool house and a cool pool and a cool dog which scares me a little because of its teeth. but the dog is also cool. beth has two brothers called callum and michael who ride bikes until their legs fall off. one time, beth had to go to queensland in the middle of school to watch her brothers ride their little bikes. she was angry. i was jealous.

beth and i get in lots of trouble together by most of our teachers, and some teachers that we dont even have, like the boof. actually we get in most trouble from the boof.
theres alot more stuff about beth but i cant be bothered to type any more, so if you want to know just shut up and go to www.bethsmeegos.blogspot.com

i love you beffy :)

just randomly

just randomly - a new weekly column which irrationally attempts to answer all of life's incongruous questions. submit a question...i dare you

The Huggies Nappies ad - what the hell is the little girl talking about?
we've all seen it. we've all cringed. we've all screamed obsenities and thrown lamps at the tv screen...thats right, the Huggies Nappies ad. if you've been living under a wet rock and you dont know what im talking about, ill clue you in
Little girl: mum uses Huggies Nappies for my brother, little Zaccy
Overvoice: and now Huggies Nappies cost even less!
Little girl: which means more nappies for Zaccy, and more left over for the other important things.

ok. what?
WHAT??? other important things??? little girl, there ARE no other important things!! you use nappies for babies nasty asses, and nothing else!! what the hell kind of household are you living in???
what is she talking about? ive been racking my brains to think of the answer, but there is no logic in what she says!!! there is NOTHING ELSE you can use a nappy for!!! NOTHING!!!
can you use it as a hat? NO!
can you use it as a boot? NO!
can you eat out of it? NO! WELL MAYBE BUT THAT WOULD BE GROSS!

so, my only conclusion is...that girl is on drugs.

if you had something named after you, it could turn out really good.
like say you had a dessert named after you. a really delicious dessert.
people would say "oh i wish i had a Jacki right now. yeah, a Jacki right now is just what i need. boy do i love Jacki's"
or if you had an ipod named after you, they would all say "those Jacki's, i wish i had one, but they're too expensive"
or if you had a copy of the new Harry Potter book named after you, they would say "dammit!! i really want a Jacki! but theyre all sold out! why do Jackis have to be so popular??"

Then again, it could also turn out really bad
imagine if they named a new type of underwear after you...
"man, this sucks, i cant get Jacki out from in-between my ass cheeks"

shower thoughts#8

so.
soo.
i had a thought.
vegetable. vagina. those are pretty similar words.
did anyone else notice? i did. i sure did. so whats happens is, some people (like me) tend to shorten the world vegetable to veg. and some other people (like me) tend to shorten the word vagina to vag.
vag. veg. those are pretty similar words.
so similar you could screw yourself up pretty bad with them. like, in the middle of the dinner....
Small child: hey dad, pass the vag
Dad: (hesitating) uh...ok son...
Mum: (screams)

or like, at the hospital...
Woman: Help me doctor the babys coming! out of my veg!
Doctor: Out of your veg? What???
Woman: You call yourself a doctor?? Yes, my veg!!!
Doctor: Young lady, babies do NOT come out of these (points to carrot)
Woman: No, you dont understand
Doctor: Oh I understand perfectly. SECURITY get this crazy out of here!
Woman: (screams)

so careful! watch your a's and e's

andrew cockburn???!!!

some parents are just cruel

shazza rocks my insignificant life

OHMIGOLLY so we had dancing with the staff today, em-shaz was so hot tapping away, like an over-the-hill-done-up-in-whorish-year-nine-makeup-shirley-temple someone.