Monday, February 22, 2010

So, I mentioned him briefly a couple of posts ago, but I wanna take a moment to unleash the weird/stalker side of my personality and talk more about this friend my sister brought home last weekend.
Name: Owen
Last Name: escapes me. H-something? It started with an H. Or a K.
Nope, definitely an H. I remember because it was written on the back of his shirt in sharpie. Fashion statement? Perhaps. Or maybe it was his favourite shirt and he was just really paranoid about one of us stealing it. Either way, it's of no importance to anyone.
Anyway, nice guy. And God knows I gave him enough reasons to totally shut me down (need I reference the 'taste of butt' conversation?), but he didn't. See? Nice. But what is with Western Australians (that's where he's from) and their weird slang/distaste for crazy words? I wasn't allowed to say 'wowza'. Or 'fave'. Or even my favourite, 'totes mcgotes', since apparently in Perth, 'mcgote' is slang for 'blow job'.
Conclusion? People from Perth are idiots.

Hey, speaking of idiots, has anyone here seen the most recent Woolworths Fresh Food Ideas commercial? You know, the one with the Mum banging on and on about how much her kids hate healthy food, and she can only get them to eat it by stir-frying shaved carrots in tomato sauce and calling it 'Orange Pasta'?
I know I have a tendency to exaggerate things, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one out there thinking this is the most moronic thing I've ever heard. Orange pasta? I don't care how many remedial classes your kid is enrolled in, nobody on earth is stupid enough to fall for that. It makes me angry. It actually makes me mad; every time I see it on TV I have to watch like, 3 episodes of Prison Break in a row just to calm myself down. You don't have to say it, I know I'm crazy. But you know who's crazier? Anyone who has a 'themed' wedding. And also, people who think their kids will believe in 'orange pasta'.
On another note, Haloscan, my comment box host, appears to have shut down. Thanks for telling me guys! Anyway, it was automatically replaced by something called 'JS-Kit', which looks like Msn and doesn't show up on my main page. Dammit Haloscan! I would fix this, but I have neither the know-how nor the energy. Any suggestions? If you think you can help me out, shoot me an email and I'll pencil you into my Oscar acceptance speech.

Shower Thoughts #36

I don't understand the expression "I slept like a baby."
Mainly because people use it to convey that they've slept really well. Right? And since when do babies sleep well?
From now on, I'm endevouring to never use this phrase. Maybe if I slept in a crib, woke up crying and crapped myself, I would use it.
Otherwise, no.

The Curse Of The Winter Olympics

I think these Winter Olympics in Canada are cursed.
Before we talk about that though, can I just say how much I'm loving that there's a team of snowboarders who all wear flannel shirts? Ha!
What are they, The Lumberjack Team?
Actually no, they're Americans. I just found out. I hope their team captain doesn't fly down here and punch me in the face after reading this. I was only kidding, dude! And I think lumberjacks are hot!
Anyway, this curse. Yeah, I think the Winter Olympics are cursed. Wanna know what the curse is? Me. I am the curse. Here's why:
Every time I sit down to watch an event, someone falls over. Crashes. Stacks it. Face plants. Whatever you wanna call it, I'm not kidding. Every single time. So far, I've killed the dreams of 2 figure skaters, a snowboarder, a speed skater, some chick on the luge, an alpine skier - and as of this morning - the Canadian Ice Hockey team. Oh my gosh. I thought maybe the first 6 were coincidental, but a whole ice hockey team?
Somebody stop me!

On a completely different note, I'm thinking of doing a little something in the next couple of weeks to celebrate turning 18 for the third time. What days are good for people? You're all invited.

Chicken Periods, Steak, Tropfest and The Best Night Of My Life

What a weekend!
So first of all, my sister was home from the navy. And even better than that, she was home from the navy with a friend; which is always fun, because who doesn't love freaking out new people?
I know I do!
Anyway, I'm not going to describe the whole sister/friend/reunion thing in detail, mainly because I know nobody cares, and also because I'm a lazy shit who can't be bothered. But here was my favourite moment:

Scene: At the dinner table, in the midst of a 'welcome home' BBQ
Mum: So what's the food like in the Navy?
Catherine: It's okay. Most of the time.
Dad: What do you get for breakfast?
Catherine: Um, bacon and eggs.
Owen: Oh, man! I don't think I've ever eaten so many eggs in my life.
Catherine: Me too!
Jacki: You know, eggs are like chicken's periods.

Ha! Yeah. Jacki Trew: Moment Killer. Oh, and there was also this:

Jacki: Ew. This bubble gum tastes like butt.
Owen: How do you know what butt tastes like?
Jacki: What, you've never tasted butt before?
Owen: (Pause) Um. No.

Oh my gosh.
And just for the record, since I know maybe half of you are freaking out about it, eggs aren't really chicken's periods. I mean, they kind of are. But not really.
Well, maybe a little bit. Just...don't eat too many eggs is what I'm trying to say.
So that was Saturday. I spent the first half of Sunday at Jess Morton's house for a Vandy Reunion BBQ - yeah, this weekend was really all about hugging people and steak. Which, coincidentally, just happen to be two of my favourite things. You know, behind disco music, Wentworth Miller, blogging, and thinking up stuff to include in my hypothetical wedding.
Anyway. Where was I?
Right, the BBQ. Or as I like to call it, Meat Fest '10. Oh baby. Meat-wise, I am never more satisfied than after dinner at Jess Morton's house. You know what I'm talking about? If you're friends with Jess you will. And if you're not friends with Jess, you should become friends with her. Because that girl knows her way around a kitchen.
After Jess's, a couple of us (Sair, Gem, Mai and myself) trained it down to Martin Place for Tropfest (that's the world's largest short film festival for you out-of-towners) and uh...well, long story short, we're now famous.
Okay, not really. But we were on TV hi-fiving this dude:

Oh yeah. I touched that guy's hand. Jealous?
So between that, sitting 2 feet from the Chaser boys and seeing Toni Collette and Elijah Wood with my very own eyes (I know you guys, it was like a celebrity orgasm), I didn't think the night could get much better.
I was wrong.
You know how sometimes you have an ambition - a dream, if you will - an ambition so crazy, so ludicrous, so outside the realm of reality, that you don't ever really expect to achieve it? I do. I did. I had a dream.
To run through the water fountain outside St Leonards train station in the middle of the night. That was my dream. And yesterday:

Suck it, St Leonards Train Station security team! I can now die happy.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Hello earth. I feel like an idiot right now, because I got sunburnt sitting in traffic today.
I got sunburnt. Sitting in traffic.
This sucks! I slip-slop-slapped my way to pasty skin all summer long, and I get sunburnt sitting in my Dad's car in the last week of February?
The best part is that because I got burnt while sitting in a car, it's only on one side. Do you get what I mean? I'm like a human Neenish Tart. I could star in a remake of Michael Jackson's Black Or White video all by myself. Is it Christmas again already? Coz my face looks like a candy cane!
Alright, is that enough of those?

So Jackie Collins is being interviewed on Chelsea Lately right now. You know, the author?
I won't go on about it because to be honest it's kind of boring, and also because I refuse to recognise people who advertise the spelling of my name with an 'e' on the end. But while I was watching, this commercial for the new season of Kendra came on and I got all excited. Holy crap, you guys! There's going to be a new season of Kendra!! This is almost as good as the time I found out the E! camera crew had been invited to Khloe Kardashian's wedding. REALITY TV ROCKS MY FREAKING CLOCK!
I know I've said this before, but I really do think I should have my own reality show. Not because I'm famous or rich or popular or interesting - because let's face it, I'm not really any of those things - only so I'd have some kind of income while I'm looking for a real job. And speaking of real jobs, would anyone like to hire me? Would you? Would you? I'll do anything! Anything that doesn't involve food or coffee or old people or formal dress codes or cleaning or having to be quiet all the time or being sent on long missions that involve driving across town getting stuck in traffic and ending up sunburnt all down the right side of my body.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I Can't Shut Up About Movies

I just watched the most disturbing 90 minutes of television that I have ever seen in my life. Ryan Seacrest: The E! True Hollywood Story.

Ha, kidding. Actually it was this low-budget movie Captivity, starring Elisha Cuthbert and One Of The Dudes From Avatar. Anyone who reads this blog on at least a semi-regular basis will know how much I love shitty horror movies, but even I couldn't stomach this crap. Oh my gosh. Has anyone ever seen Hostel?
Imagine Hostel times a thousand. I am wordless. There are literally no words. But yeah, Captivity - check it now, thank me later!

Speaking of crap I can't stomach, have you guys seen Channing Tatum's hair recently? I don't like posting pictures of male celebrities who aren't Wentworth Miller, but basically:
Except floppier. Oh, Channing.
That's all I have to say in response. Oh, Channing. And this: Get a haircut, ya damn hippie!

Vegemite Cheesybite? Give Me A Break

Some food-related thoughts:
  • Chocolate coins are sen-effing-sational. Who invented them? Who was it? Who was it? Was it you? Whoever it was deserves a medal, and I am not even kidding. I'm gonna have them at my wedding.
  • Castello cheese. How can something that looks and smells so horrific taste so damn good? I am in awe.
  • Speaking of cheese, I heard they renamed the new Vegemite spin-off: Vegemite Cheesybite. Oh how original. Yeah, it's like vegemite with cheese. We get it. I'm no advocate for the national disaster that was iSnack 2.0, but you would think they might come up with something a little more creative than 'Vegemite Cheesybite'. Vacheesymite? Cheesyveg? Va-va-cheesy-cheese? These are just ideas, all I'm saying is that Snack or Kraft or whoever-the-hell owns Vegemite these days needs to seriously think about pulling their head out of their ass. Vegemite Cheesybite? Give me a break.

That's about all I got. The chocolate coin thing ups the list of Crazy Shit I'm Having At My Wedding to about 5 things. Yeah, my hypothetical future husband is gonna have to be pretty tolerant.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Truth About Possums

I'm angry at the world today. 2 reasons:

1) Television. Because some idiot - and I don't know who this was, but if I ever find out I'm gonna tear them a new asshole - decided it'd be a good idea to play every single show I want to watch between the hours of 7 and 9pm on Tuesday. I'm not kidding! Next Top Model, Bones, Gossip Girl, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Scrubs and Chelsea Lately. All at the same time.
And on every other day of the week? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME?!


2) For no apparent reason, I just ate enough spaghetti bolognese to feed a family of four, and now I feel like I might explode. Which wouldn't be so bad, except that even on the off chance that I actually make it to the bathroom in time, I'm not 100% certain which end it's gonna come out of. Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying? I'm either gonna crap myself or take a trip to Vomit City is what I'm saying. Stupid spaghetti! Stupid family! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE STOP ME?!

Oh, you know what? There's also a possum haunting the roof space right above my bedroom. Oh how cute, you might be thinking. Possums are adorable, you might be thinking. What a great showcase of Australian wildlife, you might be thinking.
WRONG! Possums are not cute, or adorable, or a great showcase of Australian wildlife. They are giant flipping pain in my possum-hating ass. I probably sound bitter and crazy right now and well, that's because I am. But I don't care! You need to know the truth about possums - that they're sadistic, smelly, loud, they keep me up at night, they pee in the roof, they chew our electrical wires, and - now I can't say this for sure - but I'm pretty sure they're plotting the annaihalation of the human race:

Sunday, February 14, 2010

An Orgy Of Hollywood's Finest

Alright, so I know I said my Valentine's Day plans pretty much consisted of TV, expensive soft cheeses and not having to get dressed, but I lied.
That is how I spent most of today, but at around 4 this afternoon I decided to get off my ass and go 'celebrate' with Sair, Lauren, Gem and Casey. We went to the movies to see - you guessed it - Valentine's Day.
What is it with this movie? It's like an orgy of Hollywood's finest. Julia Roberts, Bradley Cooper, George Lopez, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Ashton Kutcher, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Alba, Queen Latifah...there are more A-listers starring than there were people in the cinema! It's like trying to watch 18 movies at once! And I don't wanna have to try and concentrate on that many storylines - I just wanna do what all single people go to the movies to do: sit on my ass, drink coffee and glare resentfully at the couple making out in front.
People in movie theatres. Or to be more specific, people in movie theatres on Valentine's Day. Here's what annoys me: Every time someone famous/hot/semi-naked appeared on screen, the whole audience would gasp. Loudly. REALLY loudly. What is wrong with these people? Is it really that much of a surprise to see Taylor Lautner? Did they not know what movie they'd paid to see? Is Hoyts offering some sort of mystery lucky-dip ticket system these days? Arghhh!
Speaking of Hoyts movie tickets, I'd like to know when it became acceptable to charge $18.50 for one.
$18.50. For one movie ticket. Are they kidding?! I could MAKE a movie for less than that amount! Not really, but you know what I mean. No wonder the pirated DVD industry is booming.

Truth, however? Putting aside the fact that I'm obviously destined to be lonely, bitter and obsessed with cats for the rest of my life, it's actually a pretty good movie. After all, how could I not enjoy something starring both McDreamy and McSteamy? 3 stars.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Happy Valentine's Day, Assholes.

Happy Feb 14th, love-bugs! It's Valentine's Day!
Ah, Valentine's Day. Or as I like to call it, Oh Yeah I'm Alone; Thanks For The Reminder Asshole!
What is it about this 'holiday' that rubs me wrong? Well first of all, that it's even labelled a holiday, when clearly it's not. No. No. Holidays are fun. And merry. And there's great food and presents and you get the day off work and EVERY MEMBER OF THE FAMILY IS INCLUDED, EVEN THOSE WITHOUT A SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Valentine's Day is so selective. Worse than that, it's exclusive. It's like the Cool Kid on the playground. Oh it's great if you're dating or married or in a defacto relationship with someone lovely who sends you flowers and chocolates and a photograph of themself dressed as Wentworth Miller. It's great then.
But what about the rest of the human race? Left to celebrate the way I do - in pajamas, with Prison Break on DVD and an entire wheel of Castello cheese.

You know what else I hate about Valentine's Day? People. People on Valentine's Day. What, just because Hallmark invented some holiday a dillion years ago, it's suddenly okay to suck each other's faces in public?
WELL IT'S NOT! Sucking face is not a public activity. At all. Under any circumstance. Ever. The only way I can tolerate people making out in public is if one of them happens to be Wentworth Miller. It also helps if the other person is me. But even then it's inappropriate. Plus to actually see myself making out with Wentworth Miller, we'd have to be standing in front of a mirror, which seems kind of weird...
It's not that I'm anti-love. I love love. Love is good.
Wonderful! I am all about the love.
If you're offered love on a silver platter, you better grab that bad boy and hold onto it with both hands while you can - because if life (and the final episode of Prison Break) has taught us anything, it's that sooner or later we're all going to end up pregnant and alone.
So feel free to be in love - all I ask is that you politely refrain from shoving it in my face.

Happy Valentine's Day, Assholes.
Love Jacki

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Holy Shit Y'all, My Wife Is In Labour!

I love American Idol, but what is going on with this dude whose wife is in labour? I was watching just now, and happened upon the following weirdness:

Ryan Seacrest: It's day 2 of the Hollywood auditions, and the competition is heating up. Especially for this dude:
(Cut to dude talking on iPhone)
Dude Talking On iPhone: Holy shit y'all, my wife is in labour!

I am serious! It's round 2 of Hollywood Week - the tension is high, the singing is amazing, the mistakes are hilarious...and they keep cutting to this guy with the pregnant wife! Granted he's one of the contestants, and a good one at that, but if I wanted to hear about a woman giving birth, I'd flip to the W Channel.
Once again - it's American Idol.
American. As in 'an American person'.
And Idol. As in 'with the potential to blow Mariah Carey out of the water'.
Right? It's not about babies and labour and placenta and being 8cm dialated. It's about embarassing auditions, Ellen Degeneres, and finding the next Mariah Carey.

Is Dolphin Gang-Rape Offensive To Humans?

It just occured to me that all this talk about dolphin gang-rape might be offending some of you.
Are you offended?
Have I offended you?
Should I have written it on the
uncut/unrated/unreasonable version of my blog instead?
Here, vote on this poll to let me know:

Ummm. Yeah.
One thing I will talk about on this blog is how and why you should all switch your televisions to Channel 10 at exactly 8.36pm tonight, because - holy shit - the episode of Law and Order: SVU guest starring Wentworth Miller is on.

*Flips out*
Sigh. Wentworth Miller. There are no words.
No wait. There's one word - husband.
For more on dolphin gang-rape, how we can stop dolphin gang-rape, and an unfortunate story in which I have to explain to my mother why the phrase 'dolphin gang-rape' appears in my internet search history, visit Insanity Now Has A Website: Uncut, Unrated, Unreasonable, also known to some of you as A Small And Seemingly Pointless Collection Of All The Thoughts I Have That Are Too Offensive To Be Posted On My Regular Blog, But Deserve To Be Published All The Same.


Bank Of Hollywood

Oh my gosh you guys, I am excited. And not just because I just found a whole packet of Tim Tams in the pantry. That's a large part of it, but there's more:
There's this new show on the E! Channel called Bank of Hollywood, where a whole bunch of crazy people get up and talk about the crazy stuff they wanna do, and some of them get chosen by this panel of 'Hollywood alumni' (I think one of them is Tori Spelling's mum - what the hell?), anyway, whoever is chosen gets the money to do whatever they want.
Ummm, HOLY CRAP! Is this not the greatest thing that television has ever produced? Ever?! I'd say it is, except for Prison Break, and that one episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians where Kris accidentally-on-purpose puts viagra in her son's coffee and he ends up in the emergency room having his erection deflated.
That was the greatest thing that television has ever produced. But this Bank of Hollywood business is a close second.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Lord Howe: My Triumphant Return!!!

So I'm in this habit of travelling to Lord Howe Island every year, having the time of my life, then blogging about it. And obviously - being that I have no job/life/significant other - this year is no different.
Well, except that we went in Feb instead of Jan to avoid the school-holiday rush.
And that Catherine wasn't there, on account of her having joined the Navy and running off to do a thousand push-ups or whatever.
And that we didn't see Eric Bana.
Apart from that though? Totally the same. For example; just like last year (and the other 18 years before that), every spider on the whole island tried to kill me. And, just like last year (and the other 18 years before that), my parents totally ignored my anguished cries for help.
I hate spiders.
Hey, speaking of hating animals, did you guys know that dolphins gang-rape each other? Yep. Octopuses too, but I want the main focus to be on dolphins because lets be honest - octopuses (octopi?) are disgusting. Right? Ew. But dolphins? My entire dolphin-loving-childhood is totally tainted. I'll never think of dolphins the same way again. If I ate tuna, I would TOTALLY start buying the dolphin-non-friendly brand. I'm not gonna feel bad about it, either! I really think it would make a difference. And what a great thing to write on your tombstone:

Jacki Trew
She Saved The World,
Eating One Rapist At A Time

Anyway. We (being myself, Julia, Leigh and Anna) decided to combine our new-found love of groups with our new-found hatred of dolphins, and created a super-organisation known as Humans Against The Gang-Rape Of Dolphins...And Octopuses Too, I Guess. H.A.T.G.R.O.D.A.O.T.I.G for short.
Catchy, right? I'm thinking we should have t-shirts made:Now I'll talk about Eric Bana, but only for a second lest I get all devo about it. Yeah, that's right, I used the word lest in a blog. And in the same sentence as the word devo.
Suck it, Roseville English Department!
Okay so Eric was there, only three weeks before us. Sigh. Whose idea was it to come in February again? I would label whoever-it-was a total douche-lord, only I'm pretty sure it was one of my parents, so that might not be wise. You know, unless I'm okay with looking for a new place to live.
Which I am not.
Moving on!
There was a bit more rain than we're used to, so to fill the time we learned how to play Gin Rummy. And Trivial Pursuit. And Celebrity Heads. And one morning there was an extremely satisfying marathon round of Pictionary during which the 'adult' team was completely destroyed by the 'youth' and our nimble-wristed-drawing-abilities. Hell yeah.
We swam, we read, we snorkled, we rode bikes, we ate, I acted out scenes from Jane Austen's Persuasion with my feet (video to be posted soon, don't you worry)...all in all, it was a pretty kick-ass holiday. Then I got back to Sydney and remembered that
a) I have to go back to school tomorrow,
b) I have no clean clothes to wear,
c) The washing machine is full of my sister's sailing clothes, and
d) Our DVD player is broken
That last one doesn't relate - I'm just really annoyed about it.
You guys, I only just got back from my 10 days at Lord Howe, and there's so much to tell you and show you and dictate to you, and I can't wait to do it so we can all laugh our asses off together...but right now I gotta go to netball.
Here's a little preview to tide you over:
  • Dolphin rape
  • Eric Bana
  • Pictionary wars
  • A surprise engagement
  • My dad dressing up as Nicole Kidman

Oh yes. Are you hooked? More coming soon. Oh, but here's something I just couldn't bear to leave until later: WHY?!