Friday, April 28, 2006

absence of blog

julia u slacker!! ive blogged 20 times since u last blogged! yes, i counted!!

wait, make that 21 times! *gives look*

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Wtf Mate?

along with Shower Thoughts, Whats With That? and That Time I Met..., you know all have the privelage of enjoying the newest feature of my blog, Wtf Mate?
todays edition was sent from american newspaper the Chicago Tribune...heres something I bet you didnt know about old Bushy
(article below)

wtf mate 27/4/06 Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

That Time I Met...The Grudge

jacki: iiiiiiiiits Grudgy!!!
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: right. so, how you doin there grudgy? or should i call you grudge? or mrs grudge...wait, ARE you a woman?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: aaaaaaaaaaaaah it is then. so, aaaaaaaaaah, hows life in the old haunted house in Japan. still killing people?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: thats great. good business I head, killing people. Mind if I get in on it?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: thanks man, uh I mean woman, uh I mean thing. So listen, I was meaning to ask you, whats with all the killing people? I mean yeah, the first old lady looked pretty fun, but what, are you seriously going to kill everyone who goes in that house?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: still angry huh? you know, they have classes for that
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: yeah, i know, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. got it. geez
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: oh my - security? SECURITY?? would someone get this freakhouse out of here?
thegrudge: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
jacki: ok, fine, calm down and you can stay.
jacki: .....huh
jacki: look, im really not......getting anything from this. Are you..are we playing charades?
thegrudge: UUuhh!! look bitch, ive been makin my creepy noise for like 6 solid minutes now. its not that easy on the old throat you know. geez. cut me some slack. I mean, first I fall in love with one of the sheens who rejects me, then my husband goes all a-track and kills me, now i have to haunt this crapheap of a house with my creepy son and some cat who doesnt even add to the story line, just runs around meowing and eating my noodles.
jacki: im...sorry?
thegrudge: sigh. ok. ive had kind of a rough day, if you could just lay down and let me suck the life out of you, thatd be great.
jacki: what??? are you kidding? sorry lady, no can do.
thegrudge: ok, fine. just come here a minute. i want to tell you a secret.
jacki: unless its how to kick the crap outta your dumb butt, i dont wanna hear about it.
thegrudge: fine. can i at least have one of those donuts over there?
jacki: sorry. staff only.
thegrudge: crap.

pat the clone

pat is going to take over the world.

seriously. he is like a clone of everybody. julia, mark wahlberg, ryan, ben cousins, that guy i saw the other day....the list goes on.
once everyone realises that they are the same as pat, theyre going to band together with him, and it will be like an Army Of Pats and they will go around marching and shouting and whatnot, and eventually they'll cut the marching crap and all morph together into one giant pat, and for the rest of our lives we'll be forced to drink ginger beer and listen to dire straits and mow peoples lawns.

Monday, April 24, 2006

today was boring in everyway possible. except the afternoon. the morning was boring. got up. it was 10. too early. decided to go back to sleep but couldnt because cat was mauling side of face. got up. attempted to study. ate milo out of tin. felt sick. ate more milo. studied more. felt smarter. ate more milo. felt dumber. watched tv. laughed. went for walked to greenwich. ate. felt bloated. got eyebrows done. came home. made cookies. got bagged out by dad for wearing brazilian soccer jersey. had shower. blogged.

it was good

shower thoughts#5

Its common knowledge that if you butter a piece of toast and then drop it, it will always land buttered-side-down. Its also common knowledge that cats always land on their feet. So what would happen to a cat whose back has been buttered? Would it:

a) land on its feet
b) land on its back
c) land in the toaster

Sunday, April 23, 2006

what is with this blog, its so lonered and never gets read.
i feel like it deserves its own tumbleweed.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

today i saw a guy talking to someone on the fone, standing on his third floor balcony, completely naked.
i love this city.

Friday, April 21, 2006

whats with that

whats with people being not allowed to walk around the streets naked? i mean, what, whats wrong with that? so people are allowed to be born naked, but we're not allowed to walk out our front door to get the paper on sunday morning without wearing clothes?? whats wrong with that??
and whats with people not giving teenagers jobs? like they say "actually we'd prefer someone with more experience". fair enough, but how are people supposed to get experience if you wont even give them a job?? soon enough we'll have a nation of jobless teenagers and no one will know how to work the new registers at Coles because all the people with experience have died without employing any teenagers.
whats with tv? seriously, whats with it?? i mean, apart from Home and Away, The OC, Laguna Beach, Making The Band, The Simpsons, Untalkative Bunny, Futurama, American Dad, Lost, Prison Break, Next Top Model, Family Guy, Scrubs, Pimp My Ride, The Ashlee Simpson Show, Hannah Montanna, Mythbusters, TRL, MTV's Beachhouse, Will and Grace, Friends, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, Maury Povich, Jenny Jones, The Ellen Degeneres Show, The Tyra Banks Show, Australian Idol, Room Raiders, E!, Punkd, Saturday Night Live, Surf Girls, Made, Meet The Barkers, The Simple Life's 1 2 and 3, Daria, Friday Night Games, Baywatch and Blue Water High, it totally sucks.
whats with blocking people on msn? what, like, why would you do that? if you dont want to talk to someone, why would you add them? why would you do it? its just a waste of time. you add someone, you say one word to them, and then you block them. thats like, 8 seconds of your life, and you'll never get that 8 seconds back. its so lame.
whats with people in selective schools like not having to take half-yearly exams til year 11? whats with that??? arent they supposed to be the smarter half??? shouldnt they be doing all the work and becoming the important people, like the doctors and lawyers and script writers of Home and Away???
whats with some of the things people go to gaol for?? like i heard this one lady went to prison because her daughter was too fat. what, how does that make sense?? its not like this lady tied her kid to the bed and force fed her fried chicken and enchiladas for 12 and a half years, but she goes to gaol. and what does the kid do now? 12 year olds dont know how to make salad, but they do know the delivery number to pizza hut off by heart.
whats with people stalking their teachers.
whats with people making lists of stuff they dont get because they spend too much time writing lists about stuff they dont get.


so just in case you werent finding my blog entertaining enough, what with the shower thoughts and crude interviews with famous people and all, heres yet another one of my embarrasing moments...
about 5 days ago i was walking home from st leonards station, so i was like walking along the highway, next to all these shiny highrise buildings, which, being all shiny and big, naturally caught my attention. so i was walking along, reading my messages, checking my hair in the reflective windows on the buildings and looking through old pictures i have on my fone, and i didnt notice that some nobhead has left a massive roadblock on the pavement. so of course, because i am a blind, clumsy fool, i fell over it headfirst and faceplanted into the curb.

if ur not getting a good enough visual, check out this clip:
im the cat, the fence is the roadblock.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

That Time I Met...Catherine Trew

note: this conversation actually happened

jacki: do we have to watch this?
catherine: yes
jacki: why its so boring
catherine: no its not. go away. if you dont want to watch it, go downstairs.
jacki: but its all dark and scary down there.
catherine: shut up
jacki: you shut up
catherine: no, you shut up.
jacki: your face
catherine: your mother
jacki: your mothers face
catherine: your uterus
jacki: your mothers uterus
catherine: what is wrong with us???
jacki: whats wrong with you??
catherine: get away from me
jacki: can i borrow your computer??? pleeeaaaasse?
catherine: no, shut up!
jacki: fine, im so not getting you a showbag.
catherine: whats your problem??? besides I can always get Danielle to get me a showbag.
jacki: fine
catherine: fine
jacki: fine
catherine: FINE
jacki: why are you so mean to me? everyone elses sisters are so nice.
catherine: oh as if they are.
jacki: ok maybe i made that up.
catherine: URGH get AWAY from me!!
jacki: you get away from me!!! YOUR NOT THE BOSS!!!
(start slapping each other)
catherine: hey, how much do you feel like watching Titanic right now?
jacki: ok!


total sucktown

what is with people making sequal movies which are total sucko??
like scary movie 1 was the shiz
and so was scary movie 2
and so was scary movie 3
but scary movie 4 is just so not

like they used all the same jokes as in scary movie 3, which were funny the first 32 times, but when you do them again in another movie, its just like what?

Monday, April 17, 2006

That Time I Met...Michael Jackson

jacki: so hey michael, how are things?
michael: terrible. didnt you hear? what, you stupid? are you serious?
jacki: hey, im not the one addicted to plastic surgery here.
michael: ohmygosh, how many times?? i didnt get plastic surgery!!
jacki: oh sure. so how exactly do you explain...
michael: ive told people again and again, im allergic to the sun. isnt it obvious thats why i turned white?
jacki: um, no.
michael: well, whatever.
jacki: dont you whatever me, you crazy lady.
michael: lady?? what, you calling me lady now??? what are you on?!
jacki: hey, i dont have to answer those questions. im the interviewer here. shut up!
michael: dont tell me to shut up, you freak!
jacki: dont you call me a freak, you molesterer!
michael: molesterer???? whered you pull THAT from????
jacki: isnt it obvious?
michael: no
jacki: sigh
michael: dont sigh at me. im delicate.
jacki: so michael, how are things in CRAZY town?????
michael: what??
jacki: what??
michael: WHAT??
jacki: WHAT??
michael: so hey, wanna learn the moonwalk?
jacki: sure


that time i met...

since my original idea of a script of my meeting with Jack and Rose from Titanic was such a huge success (1 comment - best ever!!), ive decided to make it a regular feature on my blog.
look out for Shower Thoughts and That Time I Met...

seven years ago

i just found something i wrote when i was nine years old:

When I grow up, by Jacki Trew
When I grow up, I want to open a hotel, work at Westfield, go and live on Neptune for three years, grow wings, and have a million parties. Also, I want to fly in Mike's jet, get my car fixed by Fraser, and get my hair cut by Lexi. I think that all these things will be easy for me. I would also like to own an endless box of white chocolate TimTams. Sometimes I fear that I will turn out to be something I dont want to be, like a model or a bus driver. Yeah, like that will ever happen.

what, have i not aged in the past seven years??? this takes the phrase forever young to a whole new level

Sunday, April 16, 2006

i meet jack and rose from Titanic

just watched titanic
and i was thinking, was i, that if i ever met jack and rose, the conversation may go something like this:

jacki: so, hi, jack and rose
jack and rose: hi. its good to be here
jack: well, not for me. actually, because im dead. didnt you see that rose? or were you too busy saving yourself???
rose: yeah, well, i would have been able to save you if you hadnt been such a weakling and died so quickly. i mean come on the water wasnt that cold.
jack: uh, like you would know
jacki: yeah, rose, i have to ask you, do you feel bad at all about hogging the entire door to yourself?
rose: hey, it wasnt my choice, i didnt exactly push jack off.
jack: yeah, well you didnt exactly help me on either.
rose: dude, what is your problem? what did i do??? aren't you supposed to love me, or something?
jacki: well rose, you did like almost get him arrested at the beginning, then you told him he was rude, then you rejected him for that loser Cal for a bit, then you almost left him alone on the sinking ship, then there was the whole hogging-the-door thing, then you let him sink into the water, and then you went and blew that guys whistle to save yourself. i mean, you could of at least saved his frozen corpse, or something.
jack: WHAT?? you did what??? thats it, from now on, i dont want you blowing anyone elses whistles except for mine.
rose: that doesnt even make sense.
jack: shut up. and by the way, whats with the whole getting married again thing. what happened to "ill love you forever jack"????
rose: hey, you're the one who made me promise to grow old and have lots of babies. i cant exactly do that with a frozen corpse.
jack: you could at least try..i mean, i would have done it for you.
jacki: ew
rose: shut up. who even are you??? where are we?
jacki: hey, you dont get to ask those questions, bitch. this is my blog we're on.
jack: yeah, leave her alone you door-hogging skank.
rose: dont you call me a skank, you, you...THIRD CLASS BOY
jack: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME????? thats it, we are so over lady. this frozen corpse isnt yours anymore.
jacki: uh, this is so twisted. im leaving.
rose: like i wanted your frozen body anyway.. i hope you know i was just using you for the thrill.
jack: whatever. its over. wheres that molly brown chick? she was HOT!
jacki: would you both get off my blog please, you're freaking people out.
jack and rose: yeah, whatever.
jacki: im serious. ive got a gun. yeah, thats right, ive got a gun
jack and rose: fine, we're leaving.
jack: geez.

did you ever see a man with kankles?

Friday, April 14, 2006

shower thoughts #4

If pinocchio said "my nose is about to grow", what would happen?
i was too lame to think up my own post, so i stole this from
Go to Wikipedia and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List three neat facts, two births, and one death in your journal, including the year.

10th March
3 Facts
1) in 1876, on the 10th of march, Alexander Graham Bell made the first successful telephone call by saying "Mr Watson, come here, I want to see you"
2) in 1926, on the 10th of march, the first ever book-of-the-month-club selection was produced
3) in 1977, on the 10th of march, astronomers discovered rings around Uranus

3 Births
1) 1957, 10th of march - Osama Bin Laden was born
2) 1958, 10th of march - Sharon Stone was born
3) 1940, 10th of march - Chuck Norris was born

1 Death
1) 1913, 10th of march - Harriet Tubman dies (no idea who it is, but how hot is the name)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

shower thoughts #3

just in the shower and i was thinking... in....the shower

at the same time, i was thinking
can somebodys head actually explode? and if it did, like, what would come out?
apart from a brain, and some gooey stuff
like, where does the skull go?
does it explode too, and go flying off in heaps of directions and stab people in the back of the neck?
and like, what happens to the body? does it just go slump, or does it run around flailing its legs?

i heard this one time, this chicken lived for 3 months with no head.
no joke. its amazing what you can learn off the back of an asian cereal box


what is this????
what IS this???
what is with people either
a) not reading my blog or
b) reading it at not leaving comments
before i come and maul your faces off with a rusty chainsaw!!!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

a crazy day to match my blog

so ok
today in modern em-shaz wasnt here AGAIN so me and beff went crazy because we crave her and i was so looking forward to seeing em-shaz after the last period before modern (which was hanus hanus economics) and so i waltzed into the classroom all happy but then she WASNT THERE so i am going to stab her when she comes back and i told mr mackay that i was going to stab her so he could remind me to do so if i forgot somehow.

then just then, in dt, when i found out em-shaz has a livejournal, so i was like OHMIGOSH i so have to go read it, so i was reading it and then mrs collins comes up behind me so i downsized the window really quickly, and shes like (poking me in the back)
"what were you looking at??" and im like
"nothing" and shes like
"yes you were! it was porn wasnt it!! get rid of the porn!!" and im like
"ohmigosh i so do not have porn!! you wish i had porn so you could look at it, dont you?"
"no i dont you silly. hey, you have nail polish on!"
"dont change the subject, this is about you wanting to look at my porn! i mean, not my porn, i dont have porn! it about you wanting to look at my non-existant porn"
"just show me what it is"
"fine. FINE. its just emmys blog so you cant get me in trouble because its a TEACHERS blog which means its EDUCATIONAL. so ha"

and so on...

Sunday, April 09, 2006

ode to modern

once upon a time
in a land far far away
we almost died of boredom
but modern saved the day

we always sleep in english
we all hate maths alot
i want to stab miss muffin
but modern is just hot

modern is so thrilling
im so excited i can barely sit
the stuff we learn is cool too
like the middle east and all that shit

we have the coolest teacher
shes better than the rest
shed even be the coolest
if she had a hairy chest

Em-shaz teaches us so much
we always get 90% at least
the people we learn about are so cool
theodore herzl - that sexy beast

modern is the shizdog
leaving it is really tough
we never have a bad time
coz modern's so damn puff!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

today when i was at the bus stop, i got attacked by a spider
what is it with me and spiders?? why do they hate me so much? its like they have little spider meetings at night and decide which one of them is going to attack me that day. its SO annoying. its like, hello you lame annoying spiders, can you like, go and annoy someone else right now, because its so annoying when you annoy me.
like shut up.
actually what is it with me and most eewy disgusting creepy crawlies animals which serve no purpose? like apart from all the near-death experiences ive had with spiders, there was also a cockroach at the train station on monday morning which was totally pretending to be handicapped by walking really slowly in a wobbly line, but really it was probably pretending to be missing a few legs to lure me into feeling sorry for it, so i would go and give it a cuddle, then BAM it would probably kill me.

its so crazy these days.
like you think you can trust people, or cockroaches, when they say theyre handicapped but the fact is, yeah, theyre probably just trying to kill you.
what is it with things and trying to kill me? like the cockroach, or the spiders, or mrs fletcher, or all those crazy women with prams who keep trying to run me over.

i know what your thinking. youre probably thinking "whats with this crazy blog, so crazy, so paranoid, probably no one is trying to kill this crazy girl"
well you should shut up, because you're probably going to end up dead because a falsely handicapped cockroach killed you.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

so i was just on the computer, computing away, when i noticed that my nostril was hurting


five minutes and one nostril-inspection later and still no answer, and im starting to freak out because im wondering how bad an epedemic could be forming itself inside my nostril as we speak.
just sitting here on a saturday thinking that i probably should be attempting my extension assessment, instead im dancing to nsync in my netball skirt