Friday, April 24, 2009 goes to hospital

Ok, so here's a twist for your reading pleasure: last night something ACTUALLY interesting enough to blog about happened to me.
I feel like I should mention though, that I was home alone. Like, totally alone, since my parents abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland, and my sister was working as an overnight deckhand on some cruise ship.
The most exciting thing to happen to me since, well, birth, or maybe that time I met Andrew G, and NOBODY is there to see it. Well, except my pets. And the neighbours. Both of whom looked fairly traumatised last night when I walked through the door covered in blood.
OH my goodness that was so dramatic, it makes me even more excited to tell this story.
Ok, ok. Here goes.

So I got home at like 8.30 last night, and decided to go for a run.
I know. This story is already crazy.
Me? Me, Jacki? Jacki Trew? Jacki Trew, going for a run?
This does not compute.
But let me explain. Ok, remember when I said my parents aren't home because they abandoned me to go dragonboating in Queensland? Yeah, so my mum has become obsessed with dragonboating, which is kind of like rowing, only better, because the boats look like dragons, and you get to wear pink. She started doing it after she found out Julia's parents do it, probably because they are pretty hip and now, as far as parents go, and she just wants to be them.
Anyway, since mum started dragonboating - or DBing, as I shall now refer to it - she's gone on this total fitness kick. I mean it. Like, she goes to the gym and everything. I feel so guilty. My own mother is in better shape than me! I'm 18! She's 200!
Alright this part of the story is kind of boring. Long story short, mum = fit, jacki = lazy bum.
And that's why I went for a run.

Ok, so now I'm running, and everythings great, everythings fine - you know, except for the fact that I hate running - and then I had this brilliant idea to jump the fence into Kingsford Smith oval, and do some laps.
And that's when things started to get interesting.
So, here are 3 things you should know:
  1. The fence is made out of wire
  2. The fence is old. Its old. I mean it. Old. Old as Moses. So, in some areas, the wire is broken and sticking out all over the place
  3. I'm an idiot
Can you guess what happened?
Alright, in case you cant: I got up the fence ok (probably because its only like 4 feet high), but I didn't notice the bit of wire poking out on the other side, until it tore the back of my arm open on the way down.
Wow this post is getting long. Here's a short intermission:

I love that video.

Ok, intermission over.
So, by the time I got myself home, called my parents, bled all over the kitchen floor, messaged Julia, bled all over my shirt, ran over to my neighbours house, bled all over cat, bled all over the bathroom sink, bled all over the laundry, bled all over the blankets in the lounge room (why did I keep moving from room to room? Wouldn't it make more sense to isolate the blood-spillage to just one area of the house? Oh, right, I'm an idiot. Well, whatever.), and got to the hospital, it was like 10pm.
Oh! Oh! I forgot to tell you one of my favourite parts of the story: my call to Emergency. You see, because even though there was alot of blood, and alot of blood usually warrants a trip to the hospital, I wasn't really sure what to do at first. I mean, I'm not exactly experienced with this kind of thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty accident-prone. Remember last week, when I almost broke my hand by accidentally dropping a sewing machine on it? But still. So this is what it sounds like when Jacki Trew calls emergency:

Operator: Triple Zero, whats your emergency?
Jacki: Hi, ummm, you don't need to send an ambulance but I've just, ummm...cut myself on a fence. Badly. Well, I think it's badly. I'm not sure. There's alot of blood. It's on my shirt. Actually its not my shirt, it's my sisters shirt. Crap! I got blood on my sister's shirt! She's going to kill me! I'm Jacki by the way

Man I hope they recorded that.
Alright, so when I got to the hospital, I had to sit in the Emergency waiting room for like 2 hours. Here is my favourite thing about the Emergency waiting room: There's a sign on the fire hydrant that says Do not put chairs or beds in front of fire hydrant, and there's a chair in front of it. And a bed.
Also they had a TV, and Heroes was on, so I got to perve on that kid that played Jess on Gilmore Girls. Then some doctors came and saw me. They looked at my arm, asked me what happened, laughed, noticed the bruises on my hand, asked me how I got them, and laughed again. Really, there is nothing like seeing the reaction of 4 doctors when you tell them you accidentally dropped a sewing machine on yourself. I'm going to be telling that story for years.
Anyway, 2 nurses, 4 doctors, a very painful tetanus shot, 7 stitches, 3 hours of sleep and 1 vending-machine sandwich smuggled in by the most convincing McDreamy look-alike I've ever seen, and here we are.
Oh, wait!
I forgot to talk about how I totally embarrassed myself by fainting!
Yeah, I fainted. Oh my gosh, I fainted.
A pussy.
You know, most people only faint when something really bad happens. Like, if they get hit by a bus. Or castrated. And they don't faint, they pass out.
I don't pass out. I faint.
And it's never after something really bad, which makes me look like a total dick.

Times Jacki Trew has fainted and looked like a total dick:

  • When I was like 9, and I had to get blood taken for an allergy test, and when I fainted I fell off a chair
  • When I was like 10, and I went to this air show with my friend Megan and her parents, and we were walking around the inside of a Hercules airplane, and when I fainted I fell out of the emergency exit
  • When I was like 12, just randomly, in the middle of my violin lesson, and when I fainted I landed on my teachers music stand and broke it
  • When I was like 15 and I had a really bad fever, and when I fainted I was in the bathroom, so nobody noticed
  • When I was like 18 and I was getting my second tattoo, and ok, I didn't actually faint, but it was pretty close, and I looked like a total wimp in front of all these hardcore tattoo artists
See what I mean? And of course, this time was no exception.
I was sitting in a chair, getting jabbed like 8000 times with a needle. I think it was local anasthetic or something. I'm not sure - at that point, I was too busy trying to figure how I could wrangle a free pair of North Shore Hospital Emergency Staff scrubs. So sue me, they look comfortable!! Anyway, the doctor kept asking if I was ok to sit up while I was being stitched, which I totally was.
I mean, come on.
I don't need to lay down, just for stitches. I'm so hardcore!! I rode a motorbike once! I've got tattoos!
That's a lie.
I mean, I did ride the motorbike, but someone else was driving. I just sat on the back.
And yeah I have tattoos, but come on - I almost fainted getting those too!
So it turns out, I'm not so hardcore. I did need to lay down for stitches.
Here's how I found out:

Doctor: Are you going to faint?
Jacki: Dude, I'm totally fine (faints)
Doctor: Sigh

So then - one of the nurses later informed me - my doctor was all 'Um, HELP?', like 10 people ran in, they picked me up, put me on a bed, and there was lots of yelling and rushing around. It was all very Grey's Anatomy by the sounds of it. Only without the relationship dramas and backlighting. When I woke up, I was flat on my back with an oxygen mask over my face. You could tell my doctor was totally jazzed about the oxygen mask thing. I hadn't stopped talking about Prison Break/my undying love for Wentworth Miller since the tetanus shot, and he probably thought having a mask over my mouth would shut me up for at least five minutes.
Well, it didn't:

Doctor: Ok, I'm about the put the first stitch in. It shouldn't hurt too badly, tell me if you can -
Jacki: I saw this episode of Prison Break once, where Sara jumped out a window to escape assassination, landed on a car windshield and then had to stitch herself up in a public bathroom with a sewing kit. Oh my gosh! Can you imagine how much that would suck?
Doctor: Um...What?

Well, thats pretty much the end of the story. It wasn't too bad - plus now I'm going to have this totally cool Sara-Tancredi-from-Prison-Break-esqe scar to rival Catherine's from the time when she broke her ankle and had to get all those screws put in.
The only downside is that my arm-modelling career is now officially over.
Arm-modelling is a dying art anyway.

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