Wednesday, September 27, 2006


what is with the crap that comes with my name
everyone else has cool names
like julia
she has like 10 songs named after her, and a character in the Duchess of Malfi AND a type of flower
and kiera
she has a mountain named after her
and mel, who has the same name as TWO of the spice girls
and like everyone else has something cool with their name
and what do i get? nothing.
and it sucks. like, i tried to find a flower called the jacki flower
and what do i get, when i type in "jacki flower" into
this poo and wee and babypoo coloured piece of crap which makes me want to vomit and you probably wouldnt even notice if i vomited on it, since its practically the colour of poo-coloured vomit.
and what do i get when i try to find a song called jacki?
oh some song thats called jacki and seems like its going to be really nice but when i actually download it and listen to it (that was illegal - shh!) it turns out to be this random old guy singing spanish bullfighting music or some crap
and just when your like "what the hell does this crap have to do with jacki?" it gets to the chorus and you hear the random old guy going "ohh and they called me jacki, they called me jacki"
so its like oh.
by the way betch. THAT SUCKED
because first of all, the only song that was named after me is this spanish bullfighting crap, and it was sung by a man AND the "jacki" is a man
which just sucks
am i a man? well probably. but still
and then when i tried to find something remotely not repulsive by just typing "jacki" into, all i got was pictures of female body builders
i mean
come on
cant i catch a break? that just sucks
this just sucks!
and then you know what i thought, i thought, maybe my name doesnt have flowers or songs or people that arent grotesque attached to it, but it probably has some cool meaning, something like
"the finest stalker to ever roam the hills"
or something
so i type in my name into to find out my destiny and what do i get?
we have no information on this name
maul your faces
thats what ill do
then theyll put me in the dictionary and ill get songs about mauling people named after me
im about to strike a blow for all the jackis, so saddle up your booties and flare your pettycoats and do all that other important crap because the jackis are about to storm the world

Monday, September 25, 2006

a sandy problem

so this was supposed to be yesterdays blog but yesterday i was being lazy
as usual
so anyway
me and julia decided to go to the beach again, on sunday, after we'd gone on saturday, and id also been on wednesday, tuesday, and also the saturday before, so by this time i was pretty sandy anyway but on sunday the sand just decided to spite us all and be the biggest sand-bitch in the world.
so basically
we go to the beach and everything seems good, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the sea is...seaing??
so we went and put all our sunscreen on (being the sun-concious ambassadors that we are) and lay down in the sand and then what we didnt realise is that on that day, the wind was blowing like a gale, i mean there was practically a hurricane on the beach, and in like 10 seconds me and julia were both covered in sand
but wait
it gets worse
since we just put sunscreen on, all the sand actually STUCK to our skin and we couldnt get it off and it was all over us and we were transformed into
the worst part was that no one else seemed to have the same problem as us
what the hull
how did that happen?
then when we went into the water to try and get it all off it wouldnt
so we looked like even bigger freaks, floating in the water, trying to scrub all the sand off, and keep our heads above the water, and avoid the killer blue bottles, AND not get dumped by all the waves or get sucked out to sea by a rip.
and now im sitting at home with sand in my eyes, sand in my ears, sand in my hair, sand all over my arms and legs and sand in places that i didnt even know existed until i found sand in them
and it sucks

but actually
feels kind of good

Friday, September 22, 2006

shower thoughts# 14

what the hell
is with the saying "night night sleep tight"
first of all
why say night twice? whats the point? are you on crack? do you have a speech inpediment?
what the hell! you're wasting valuable speech...ness by saying it twice, you could be using the energy you used to say that extra night
you could be using it to say something so much more useful, like
pass the food
help, i am being attacked by ivan milat who is on a killing rampage
and the other thing
sleep tight??
what the hell does that even mean? sleep in a straight-jacket? sleep bound in your sheets? sleep tied tightly to the bedposts???
how kinky
but seriously
if anyone ever uses that saying in front of my ever again im going to smack their bottom even harder than i would like to smack mrs shiz's bottom when she pauses the movie in english AGAIN FOR LIKE THE TEN DILLIONTH TIME
and thats pretty darn hard

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

what a good day
what a great day
so first of all we had a modern exam, which sucked, but in comparison to other exams wasnt so totally sucky because at least i got to make faces at mr dubbyah as he walked past.
i tried to make them meaningful faces, something that read "im going to hurt you for making this exam so hard" but they probably came out as "i really need to go to the toilet right now"
because after we all got to go to the beach, well the people that were fortunate enough to not have maths extension and chem prac exams today
lets have a moment of silence for those poor people. may the memory of them live on forever
ok. moments over
anyway to the beach was fun because me mel and beth got to go in jess's car when jess drove us (OHmigosh more than two other people in the car no one tell jess's mum) and it was good times, great times, basically me beth and mel were half naked in the car, struggling to put on sunscreen while jess screamed at us for directions, before finally stopping at a gas station for some more petrol. while she did that, me and beth played "car wash" and used one of those funky squidgey things to clean the front and back windscreens, then got back into the car and ate every bit of food we could find (gum, extra drops, mel had a muffin at one point i think) while we waited for jess to come back with a packet of twisties which we also finished off in about six seconds ("dont eat them all now guys")
anyway the beach was good, there were good moments, none as good as yesterday when casey ran into a road block on the way to the bus stop, but good none the less

i just realised anyway that since exams are over now, we have to go to school at normal time and finish at normal time and its going to totally suck
oh well
at least i get to see emmy again

Monday, September 18, 2006

attack of the killer blowfly

but seriously though
you guys are lucky im even here to live to tell this tale of horror because i almost got killed
oh yeah
so i was in the shower (yeah scene of the crime i know) and i heard this buzzing noise and i was like
what is that? and i turned around and there it was, the biggest blowfly ive ever seen in my life it was probably the length of my arm it was so long and i was like
and it was like
and i was like
and it was like
and i was like
and from outside catherine was like

so then i had to have my whole shower around this stupid blowfly which kept, like, kamikazi divebombing my face and it was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me
and then, just now, when i was thinking of writing a lovely post about something lovely like how in 2 days we get to go back to modern and see emmy, i felt something on my arm and looked down and there it was
there it was
and you know what they say about flies dont you, the whole thing about how if they land on your skin it only takes them one second to vomit, poo and lay eggs on your skin
well this stupid evil blowfly was on my arm for like at least 3 seconds and also it was like 2,498 times bigger than a regular fly, so lets see that means it must have vomited, pood and layed eggs how many times..
(does calculations)
im going to DIE
that blowfly
oh gosh
its probably lurking like under my pillow as we speak and then when i go to lay my head down and fall asleep itll pounce and swallow my head whole
i mean its me we're talking about
holy crap
listen to what just happened

mum: jacki your room smells
jacki: your room smells!
mum: no it doesnt
jacki: well have you ever noticed how my room only smells when YOU'RE in it? (thinking i've won the fight)
mum: and when you're in it
jacki: well shut up!
mum: you shut up
jacki: you shut up
mum: shut up your face
jacki:...i have nothing to say to that

oh man. insulted by my own mother

Saturday, September 16, 2006

shower thoughts # 13

i had a thought just now in the shower

if theres a horse and it has no head and no legs and no arms and no mane or tail or anything, its just a cube shaped lump of...whatever horse is made out of (essence of horse?) with a brain and heart and some bones and hey lets chuck some blood in there too, is it an animal? because it cant really do much.
like imagine trying to ride a horse like that.
would it even be called a horse? or would it be called a....furry-horse-like-log

scratch that thought.
imagine riding a horse that had no head and no legs and was just the torse of the horse perched on top of four little hoovies.
and it had to like scuttle along the ground
like a crab
i shall call it
the crorse
well excuse me for blogging so much on christian but i cant help that he is the love of my life

and also
in response to a recent comment
i so did not blog like 8 times on the same thing
because here at we blog about a range of things which all benefit the human race in differing ways.
our posts range from ways to escape the clutches of ivan milat, to what a human should or should not eat in the bath to how to successfully stalk your modern teacher.

Moulin Rouge 2

listen to what i just found:

According to ITV, the "Star Wars" actor - who does have a killer voice, now that I think of it - is trying to persuade movie bosses to do a sequel to his 2001 hit.
"I've never done anything like it. There's never been anything like it. The opportunity to sing and dance and be part of a company like that. It felt like we were in the circus", he says. "It was an extraordinary experience going to work every day - the colour, the music, the crazy Baz. It was fantastic. I'd do it all again tomorrow. I'd be quite happy to make Moulin Rouge! II."

well, this is just excellent
with nicole kidman out of the way (sorry but you know...she did die) theyre free to hire me to play the new love interest of Christian!
oh oh oh! i am going to die. of love overload
this is a tad stalkerish.

oh who cares.

i love him!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Oops i did it again (blushes) Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


but seriously though
ONE comment in the last EIGHT posts?
i get that its exams, but am i the only one not studying?

if this keeps up i may lose my muse for the blog industry

the end of suckonomics!

oh baby
feels good
last ever economics assessment today
its over
shut up mrs black you cant scare me anymore because im done with economics!
done done done
and i finished the whole exam! the whole thing!
of course it probably didnt help that i spent more time thinking about Christian from Moulin Rouge than i did the essay question, but really, who wants to sit and think about government intervention into the price mechanism when you can think about your future husband

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

perfect match?

Question one - Your favourite past-time is...
a) Dancing 15 pirouhettes
b) Singing love songs to your love
c) Making scary faces and holding guns

Question two - Your least favourite past-time is...
a) Not dancing 15 pirouhettes
b) Getting dumped by your love for some ugly duke
c) Letting the hitch-hiker get away

Question three - Your favourite thing is...
a) Your ballet shoes and soccer ball
b) You have no possesions. Your love is all that matters
c) You find it hard to choose between your gun and the spade you use to dig graves

Question four - If someone were to describe you, they would say you...
a) were the girl next door
b) had a ridiculous obsession with love
c) should be in Goulburn Gaol

Question five - Your aim in life is to...
a) Marry Julia Hirst
b) Marry Jacki Trew
c) Kill Jacki Trew

Mostly A's
If you had mostly a's, your perfect match is Robert Hoffman (the ex-boyfriend from She's The Man). Robert dances ballet and plays soccer in a movie and well i dont really know much else about him but julia seems to love him so i had to put him in ;) i love you mumsie
Mostly B's
If you had mostly b's, your one true love is Christian from Moulin Rouge (NOT ewen mcgregor...Christian from Moulin Rouge). Christian knows the greatest thing you'll ever that having lots of sex and babies with Jacki Trew is the only way to go
Mostly C's
If you got mostly c's, you are a freak.
Also, your perfect match is Ivan Milat. Ivan, like you, is a freak, and Ivan, like you, will probably end up killing me. Get off my blog.
but seriously though
i am so connected to Christian from moulin rouge
listen to this

he loves satine right?
and satine is nicole kidman
and i live in nicole kidmans house
and i love him

so basically, we should probably get married and have babies RIGHT NOW
so christian from moulin rouge if you're reading this (because you know, maybe nicole kidman gave you the url or whatever) then you should know that i want to have your babies

right now
thats about it
i love you christian from moulin rouge!

i love christian! Posted by Picasa

make my babies you big hunk of manly-man! Posted by Picasa
well so i just watched moulin rouge again and julia is like dammit in a year we have to think about uni courses and stuff and im like
and then
i decided that instead of doing the whole uni thing (because you know who needs the stress) ill instead move to mortmarte or whatever its called and go to the moulin rouge and be like
Christian where are youuu? come have babies with me
and there will be no response except maybe some crazy french guy will come out and be like
or however you spell all the french words and ill be like baaaaah because hes probably the french equivilent to ivan milat or whatever but who cares because i just want to have babies with christian he is so hot
and then probabaly all those crazy moulin rouge folk will come out and be like look at this crazy girl and like make me clean the moulin rouge
which would actually be kind of cool
you know
moulin rouge
ohmigosh so cool
but seriously i am so going there to meet christian even though im pretty sure that is the stupidest idea ive ever had

Saturday, September 09, 2006

handy hints #2

its probably not the best idea to eat a burrito in the bath

Thursday, September 07, 2006

the little school bag of horrors

screw all those other scary movies that are coming out at the moment.
ive got the real stuff.
ive got the stuff that will scare you so much you'll want to crawl back into the womb and never come out.
oh yeah

i cleaned out my schoolbag
contents included:
  • 16 spoons
  • 3 drinkbottles
  • 4 newsletters from school
  • a box of unopened staples
  • a red candle
  • 5 buttons
  • a knife
  • about a metre of aluminium foil
  • a container of fish food
  • 2 mandarins
  • 2 apples
  • 6 tupperware containers
  • a packet of uneaten popcorn
  • a packet of half eaten popcorn
  • an open bottle of nailpolish
  • a box of dress pins
  • an eye mask
  • a magnifying glass
  • 2 brown-ish sandwiches
  • 3 green sandwiches
  • 5 black sandwiches
  • part of a dress pattern
  • a piece of grey furry material (???)
  • one removable bra strap
  • Jane Eyre (so thats where it went)
  • half a bag of cotton balls
  • a nail file
  • one ipod earphone (only one. no cord. just the earbud bit. what the hell?)
  • a broken cd
  • 2 rubbers
  • an unpicker
  • one green shoe
  • a greenwich sports club flag
  • a red tie (???)

but the most disturbing thing i found?

  • the crotch off a pair of stockings. seriously. like it had been cut out. no legs. just the stockvag

ohh what the hell



he found me.

handy hints #1

(i got this one from Janey)
if you're supposed to be filling out a worksheet for ancient over a number of weeks, and it comes to the due date and you're still to write one word, simply tell your teacher that you've been typing the answers out at home so that you can print them all out to use for handy exam study notes

farewelling titanic

so today we decided that after lying, half-impaled on a slimey rock at the bottom of the fishtank for the better part of almost two days, it was probably time that someone put Titanic the fish out of his misery.

jacki: ok. where do we bury him?
beth: well mr ob said to find somewhere "appropriate"
mai: how funny would it be if we just chucked him onto vandy?
beth: ohmigosh lets bury him next to vandy!
jo: hahaha yeah lets go
jacki: ok, ill carry the fishbowl
(after walking for about 2 minutes)
beth: wow. its a long walk to vandy
jo: want me to take the fishbowl?
jacki: (trying not to let Titanic splash out of the bowl) yes please
(after arriving at Vandy)
mai: ok, lets bury him here
beth: yes under this tree (starts digging hole)
jo: haha this is so heavy
jacki: we should make a gravestone or something
beth: we love you Titanic
mai: no, you dont say stuff until after its buried
jo: can we put him in yet?
jacki: use the ruler to scoop him out of the bowl
beth: (trying to do so) haha its so hard
jacki: (shrieking) OHMIGOSH ITS ALIVE!
mai: AAHHHHH!!!
jo: shut up, no its not
jacki: i thought i saw it blink!
beth: its dead you idiot
mai: ok put it in the hole
beth: (puts it in the hole) there we go
mai: pat it down
beth: (looking slightly perplexed, pats it down) ok, there we go
jacki: oh, Titanic, we hardly knew yee
jo: ok we need to cover it up
(set about covering the hole with dirt, flowers and those plastic starfish from the bottom of the tank)
beth: all done
jo: its so beautiful
jacki: and now, for the ceremonial tipping over of the fishbowl (kicks fishbowl over so that the water gushes down the footpath)
everyone: (screaming)
jacki: shut up, its ceremonial
mai: haha whatever
beth: farewell Titanic!

(and so it continued for several more minutes in the hopes that by the time we returned to the classroom maths would be over)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Titanic - A tribute

so as you may or may not know, our beloved maths class pet, Titanic the fish, passed away today
or as mr ob would say "went to the telstra big pond in the sky"
so this ones for you Titanic

The nicest fish I ever knew
Is lying, sideways, in his poo
That sexy fish, all covered in mould
And all the time he was so bold
Never did I know a more noble pet
I had no time to take him to the vet
Cya Titanic, we say goodbye
have fun at telstra big pond in the sky

calling all stalkees

well i decided that since mrs sally is leaving me (LEAVING ME!!) i have to find someone else to stalk.
so any suggestions r welcome


shut up all you people who are trying to show sympathy for steve irwin and being totally lame about it.
i mean,
if you want to grieve for the man, go ahead and grieve, he was a national hero, the most famous australian in the world, he preserved our wildlife and educated our children, whatever whatever whatever
but seriously
stop being lame and pretending you know him and then sounding totally stupid on the radio professing your undying love for him or whatever
first of all.
to all you people who say "at least he died doing what he loved"
um. ok
died doing what he loved? what, he loved getting stabbed in the chest, did he?
and second of all, whats with the turtles on msn?
shut up! shut up with the turtles!
do you really think he's going to be brought back by an emoticon?! NO
and also
turtles are endangered! What, you think steve irwin doesnt know that?!

Monday, September 04, 2006

ohmigosh was so fun today
well first of all the first thing i practically saw (since i wasnt awake in first period) was emmys face which had exploded yet again, this time from an allergy to makeup so she had to go somewhere to get half her face shaved off or something so basically she looked like Yancy in sleepover when she puts the fake tan on
which of course sparked another round of conversation about yancy and emmy and about how they are long lost twins
then in dt mandy ellen and me had to get these manikins from the fashion parade and carry them across the whole school practically to put them away in the archives office but we had to do it very quietly because mrs collins had actually stolen them and we couldnt let anyone know that we'd taken them because we werent supposed to

but of course its very hard to keep quiet when your friends are carrying two plastic legs and an ass and you're carrying a torso, and the hair is all in your face and the arms and hands keep falling off and you keep using them to grab peoples butts.
so anyway we made it across the school and decided to get into the lift to take us to the office because there was no way i was carrying that thing up the stairs
trouble is when you cram three girls and two manikins into a tiny little lift, when the doors open at the top and you're all laughing and touching the manikins in places i wont mention, it kind of looks like you've been having an orgy

it was totally worth it to see amandas face when she walked into the dark office and turned on the light and the first thing she saw was a child manikin dressed in the school uniform (panama hat and all).
anyway then we proceeded to bludge our way through the rest of the dt lesson by carrying things too and from the hall, aimlessly walking around the school and hanging out in the archives office and violating the male manikins.

ok. that last one was just me.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Now im all for High School Musical
Ive watched it. Oh, ive watched it a million times.
And I watched the sing along
And I watched the dance along.

But what did I just see on the tv?
You saw the original. You sung along in the sing-along. You learned the moves in the dance-along…
do both at the same time!! With the High School Musical sing AND dance along!! Bust a move, sing, and groove, this Sunday at 6.30pm, with the High School Musical sing-and-dance along!

The High School Musical talk-along?
Watch the subtitles at the bottom of the screen and talk out the ENTIRE MOVIE with your friends!
Or what else? The High School Musical act-along?
Learn the steps from the actors themselves, and copy each body movement made by every character in the movie!
The High School Musical bake-along?
Baking is easy, with the High School Musical bake-along! Bake all of Zeke’s favourite treats, starting with, you guessed it – crème brule!
The High School Musical dress-along?
Just grab a sewing machine and some thread, and make your very own High School Musical costumes!! Perform for your family and friends – you’ve got the crap, we’ve got the know-how…lets make high school musical outfits together!!

I mean. For crying out loud.
Oh, who am I kidding, we all know im going to watch it.
Probably twice.