Jess's full name is Jessica Ann Morton Healy Q. Jess is very sporty and does things like basketball and athletics and (groan) rowing. rowing epitomises jess. jess epitomises rowing. its like they were made for each other. like she was probably born holding a tiny oar. probably? definitely.
jess has heaps of nicknames. we pretty much give her a new nickname every day. we call her jess, jessica, jussicoo, special, spesh, special jessie, jessie bear, jessie, s-dog, j-dog, morto, jessica ann, and sometimes (if we really feel like annoying her), we call her by her full name
jess doesnt like her nicknames much. well she pretends to hate them. but we all know she loves them because she told us we could embroider 'spesh' on her jersey. she claims to hate being called spesh the most, but i think she secretly craves it. i think it makes her feel, well, special.
jess works at video ezy. i dont know why. none of us know why because she has crappy pay, crappy hours, her boss is mean to her and most of the people who work there look like drug dealers. she also has to work most saturday nights, which sucks. but this one time we had a picnic and jess brought all this past-its-used-by-date food and we ate it all and it was completely awesome. she also tells us hilarious stories about hilarious things that happen to her on the job, like the time this guy was a returning a porno and it had cum all over it.
most of the time the stories jess tells sound like they could never actually happen in real life, like the guy-returning-porno-with-cum-all-over-it story, but we always listen and laugh.
jess is very accident prone. since we've been at roseville, the school has put the emergency room on speed dial. jess requires about 17 ambulances per year. the most memorable accidents featuring jess include:
- that time she was running away from us and she ran into the bathroom door and got concussion
- that time she was carrying a rowing boat and she slipped and fell and started choking on her own tounge
- that time she fell and hannah tripped over her neck and she had to lie on hobbs lawn for ages and ages and it started to rain so the ambulance guys put a tarpoline over her and we were all watching from the science labs and laughing
jess is very strong, but she doesnt know it. this can be very dangerous. jess is known to pick people up and slam them against metal lockers in a fit of rage. this is very amusing for the onlooker, but very frightening for the victim.
sometimes jess gets likened to a 79 year old man because she sleeps all the time and is always squinting through her glasses and yelling 'IS IT JUST ME, OR IS IT REALLY BRIGHT IN HERE??'. this is why getting driven home by jess can be very frightening. not that im complaining :) jess also always has a large bottle of water wherever she goes. she doesnt usually like to share it with anyone, which is a source of conflict in our group.
jess doesnt like anyone to touch her things. especially her pencil case. so most people think she has some mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder. jess wont let you take anything out of her pencil case unless you put it back in the same order that you got it out. if you mess up her pencil case, jess will literally rip your face off. some of the people in our group like to have fun with jess because she is so anal about her pencil case. most of the time she is able to hang on to her pocessions, but sometimes she slips up, and ends up having to buy a new white out and a new glue stick every week for 3 months. the rest of us have lots of white out and glue at the bottom of our schoolbags.
one of jess's favourite past-times is chasing people around the school. most of the time, jess thinks she is just part of a fun game, while the people getting chased are genuinely running for their lives. another of jess's favourite past-times is eating. jess is known to consume large amounts of food, especially chocolate. another of jess's favourite past-times is buying me lunch. i love jess.
jess can be very handy in a sticky situation. like when we used to play grunge. grunge was basically a very violent form of tag-footy that we used to play on hobbes lawn. im sure we all remember rushing to be on jess's team, because it was common knowledge that whichever team jess was on would win; all they had to do was throw jess the ball, and she would barge through anything and everything to get to the other end of the field. even with the other team latched onto her back and the rest of the year standing on the sidelines screaming 'run jess, run!!' (which soon became her new tagline), jess could barrell through just about anything to ensure a victory. thats probably one of the main reasons we love jess
so thats it. my dedication to jess.
jessica ann morton healy q