jacki vs cosmo - the showdown

Cosmo's list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private

1. Drink your flatmate's red wine and then refill what you drank with water (hoping she won't take a swig before you've had time to replace it with the real thing)
2. Do the dance moves you did when you were out last night in the mirror, to see if you were as sexy as you thought
3. Pout in the mirror to see what you'd look like if you could afford to get your lips plumped up like Angelina Jolie
4. Fantasise about what you'd say to your boyfriend if you caught him in mid-pash with another girl
5. Download your entire Cold Chisel collection on to your iPod and give it the codename "Ministry of Sound Annual"
6. Google your boyfriend's ex (and wish you hadn't when you find out she's a swimwear model)
7. Google yourself and get peeved when you find out all the other "yous" are more successful
8. Wear filthy tracksuit pants for the 11th night in a row
9. Pluck your rogue body hairs...and secretly look forward to when they start sprouting again
10. Make crazy diet deals with yourself - like you'll have the magnum today, and live off 5 litres of water and a can of tuna tomorrow
11. After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, trying them on with other items in your wardrobe (full face of makeup required)
12. Try on your bikini in the depths of winter so you can see how pasty and wrong you look in it
13. Drop your flatmate's toothbrush in the toilet, then put it back in the holder
14. Fart and burb. Loudly
15. Accidentally scrape your Ford Laser's door against a gleaming new Mercedes SLK, then drive away
16. Discover that you are tamponless, so construct a DIY sanitary pad from a wad of toilet paper, securing it to your knicker crotch with more loo role
17. Drop food on the kitchen floor, but because you haven't broken the three second rule, eat it anyway
18. Scroll through your boyfriends "recieved calls" list while he's in the shower
19. Promise to dry-clean a friends dress, but just put it in an old plastic dry-cleaners bag
20. Write out the guest list for your wedding, even though you dont have a boyfriend

Jacki's *NEW AND IMPROVED* list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private

1. Make your own Boost out of one blueberry, a spoonful of strawberry yogurt, and half a tub of icecream, then claim its "healthy" - because its a Boost!
2. Do dance moves in front of the mirror. Not to see if you were sexy. Just for kicks
3. Stand in front of the mirror and pretend your mouth is a cave, and your tongue is a crazy worm trying to escape from it
4. Fantasise about what Kate Bosworth would say if she found you in mid-pash with Orlando Bloom
5. Finally get over the fact that you have Spice Girls in the most played list on your iPod, and stop trying to hide it from everyone
6. Google "Emmy Shanahan"
7. Google "(your name) and Emmy Shanahan"
8. To save time, shower in your filthy tracksuit pants - you can clean yourself and your clothes at the same time
9. Sit and think about all the places that hair could grow from on a human body
10. Laugh at people who make crazy diet deals with themselves, then eat what amounts to the entire candy-rack at 7/11
11. After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, completely naked, and wonder why you bought the clothes
12. Run down the street in a skin-coloured bikini screaming "streaker! STREAKER!"
13. Drop your sister's toothbrush in the toilet. Leave it there
14. Fart and burb. Quietly for a change
15. Accidentally-on-purpose write "vagina" all over the whiteboard in your modern history classroom
16. Fill a bathtub with water, then chuck in a box of tampons and watch them go!
17. Drop food on Vandi, then come back after the weekend, realise its still there, and eat it
18. Talk to the people on your sister's msn list while she's in the shower
19. Promise your mum that you'll clean your room, but instead just sweep everything under the bed
20. Re-write Cosmo articles