Wednesday, December 27, 2006

shower thoughts # 16

say INXS
now say INSX
dont they sound the same???

Friday, December 15, 2006

catherine and i argue again

so just now i was talking to my crazy sister, and she tells me that last night she had a dream that the whole of sydney harbour froze, and people could go iceskating on the harbour, and she and her friends got a boat and put a blade-thingie on the bottom of the boat and went 'ice-sailing'
well obviously that was the most retarded thing i have ever heard in my life, because well, who ever heard of ice-sailing, i mean come on, shut up
because obviously when she said to me 'and me and my friends put a blade on the bottom of a boat and went ice-sailing', i invisioned this retarded looking boat with one giant blade in the middle on the bottom, and well of course everyone knows that would be retarded because if the boat stopped moving for like one second, then it would tip over to the side
so when i told my dear sister this, she replied that yes, maybe the boat would tip over, but its not as if it would completely turn upside down because it would get stopped by the ice if there is nothing wrong with what she just said
so then i said, i said catherine, i said, so what if the boat tips over to the side, how the hell is it supposed to get moving again? and she said, well the wind would push it of course
and im like
what the hell
you would have to like, prop the boat up with a stick on one side, and also make sure it didnt fall over to the other side, and wait until there was a strong enough gust of wind to make it start moving again, and the odds of that actually happening, or it happening and then actually working, are like a dillion to one
anyway, then she proceeded to explain that when she said the boat had a blade on the bottom of it, she actually meant that it had two blades on the bottom so that the boat could balance on the ice
and the following argument ensued:
me: well if thats what you meant, why didnt you just say that there were two blades?
catherine: i thought that you would just assume
me: why would i assume, if you said 'there is a blade on the bottom of the boat'. a blade. one. singular
catherine: yeah, but its like iceskating. you dont have one blade, you have two blades
me: thats because you have two feet
catherine: yeah but you dont iceskate on one foot
me: some people do
catherine: no they dont!
me: yes they do!
catherine: no they dont!
me: anyway even if you have two feet, you still only have one blade on each foot
catherine: so what?
me: so, the boot is like the boat. and you only have one blade on each boot, so you should only have one blade on each boat. unless you have two boats, there is no way you could have two blades, so you would only ever need one blade because its not as if people sail with one foot on each boat, they just have one boat. if they had two boots, they would have two blades. and the boot is like the boat. so if you had two boats, you would have two blades. but you dont. you only have one boat. so you only have one blade
catherine: (pause) yeah, but people dont iceskate on one foot

anyway i feel like my point came off fairly well, and once again, catherine lost

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

attacked AGAIN

so anyway, today i was putting up the christmas tree, which is pretty much the highlight of my year since i always do it by myself coz the rest of my family are such buttbags that theyre always 'out' or 'busy' when it comes to putting up the christmas tree (like i care, they would just get in my way and mess the whole thing up anyway)
anyway what was i saying?
oh yeah so i was putting up the christmas tree, and i had just put all the tinsel on and turned around to get the box of decorations, and what was on the lid of the box?
so anyway of course i screamed and then did that shudder thing you do when you want to die because there is a giant spider in front of you, then i hid under the chair for a while
anyway then i realised that a) my sister usually fights my spider battles for me, and b) my sister wasnt home and c) i was going to have to face this spider on my own
which was pretty crappy
so i ran around the room for a while, and the spider, which is so creepy, i swear it was like watching me, since every time i would run away from it, it would turn so that it was still staring at me
i mean
anyway then i went to get the insect spray from under the sink, and i started spraying this giant attacking death machine (from a distance - you can never be too safe) and i swear, it like, started REARING at me
like you know how they put their two front legs in the air and go like this:
well it started doing that!!
and i had to sit there and watch it, and scream, and then watch it again
and i swear it was the most terrifying moment of my life
so there
all be grateful that im still here, writing this post, and not dead because i got attacked by a giant spider which attacked me
thats right

Friday, December 08, 2006

blogging (for beth)

well since myspace is on hiatus i decided to come look at my own blog since im lame and like to read my own comments (dont judge me - im only human) and i noticed that someone else is having a blog-craving; beth, whose blogs i have also been craving, so this ones for you bethy, but you have to blog for me also, since i cant live on my own blogs all the time
well maybe i could, if i got some split-personality and each of my personalities wrote blogs and then they could read each others
and hey, you could write about it for your major work
but that would be totally weird
but also kind of awesome...
anyway, today was tres fun, we went to gemmas and watched movies, like the infamous wrong turn, which was a first for some of us (jo and mai - the wrong turn virgins), but then it turned out that there was a bit of wrong turn that we were all virginious to - this extra footage at the end of the credits which i dont know about you guys, but ive never seen it before, anyway it was totally freaky and the freakish-laughing-all-the-time mutant was like half burnt and running around with a knife and screaming, needless to say we were all on the floor screaming, laughing and crying at the same time, somebody probably pissed their panties a little, im not sure

also we figured out that the hippy guy in wrong turn is, wait for it
wait for it
ohmigosh is that weird or wat
anyway yeah that was pretty funny, also was stealing the remote off mai when she was desperately trying to catch a glimpse of buffy on tv which she "hadnt seen for, like, a whole year", even though the rest of us saw no point really, since buffy is pretty much horse shit on tv, for example, this episode was about posessed hyenas which posess other people with their magical posessive eyes
pretty much
so there beth, that was it just for you baby
so blog back!!
love jac xox

Monday, November 27, 2006

so many thanks to ellen and jane for just making my day by showing me that feral feral picture of a cat feetus (however you spell it - im not a freaking scientist) with only one eye, truly, im living a better life due to that
im scarred for life
almost as scarred as i am by seeing that bit of Borat with the two naked guys wrestling with each other, and one of them is so fat that you cant even tell hes a guy, actually im pretty sure hes a woman
shes a woman
um also thanks to miss mitchell for also making my day by giving back my ancient assessment and then proceeding to tell me everything that i did wrong, especially in the opening paragraph of the third question, where my answer read (and i kid you not):
The Ramesside Period in Egypt began after the death of Ahken-Aten, which caused the cult of Aten to be abandoned. After this, features of Egypt which had been removed in the previous dynasty were restored, and the first pharaoh to rule over the new period in Egypt was (insert name here).
so pretty much i suck
other than that my day was pretty average, and im now feeling like an absolute blob on account of the fact that i ate two dinners tonight, which im now regretting with the whole cat-feetus-with-one-eye-train-of-thought

now im ewwed out

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Saturday, November 18, 2006

a thousand plagues on roseville and their stupid stupid network!!!!!!!
isnt it just the luck that auc is down on the same weekend that i have to finish my freaking ancient assessment?

Friday, November 17, 2006

oh vandy...we hardly knew yee

so today was the very momentous but of course sad day in which we had to sit on vandy for the very last time
because on monday we were supposedly moving into the commonroom (apparently this is no longer true, but today was so sad that im sure none of us could do it again. also we already ate all the food)
anyway the party started at recess and we covered vandy in balloons and streamers and posters and a banner that read "Farewell Vandy" then proceeded to eat our way through about 6kg of food and sing half the Celene Dion album in our best voices :)
also there was a cake shaped like a vagina, in true vandy style, because we know theres no point in having a cake unless everyone else on the planet is insulted by it
so after finishing off the vagina cake in record time (despite Emmy's insinuation that we would be "eating pussy") the party continued on into lunch, where we ate another few kilos of food, sang Kiss Me and some more Celene, took photos, threw food at each other, laughed at the year tens, reminised about times on Vandy, lay on the ground and prentended to vomit everywhere, chased Emmy halfway round the school (sidebar: she did come, but only for like one second = im heartbroken), went crazy and tore up all the posters and balloons
and then finally it was time for our last exit from Vandy, which Ellen, Gemmy, Beff and I had intended to do in style, slowly, while singing "my heart will go on", until our plan was interrupted by a wasp the size of a small cat and we were forced to run screaming towards the locker room

so there
that was it
the last vandy ever
oh vandy...we hardly knew yee

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Shower Thoughts #15

major breakthrough
is Emmy my stalker?

have i found my stalker?

had to walk home again this afternoon, which was the first time ive done so since the initial mauling of my leg because of my stalker, who we dont actually know the identity of
except that
we might maybe may know it now!

after that post i wrote about the stalker stalking me and causing me to maul my own leg, i got a comment from some guy named Jimi, who said that he randomly discovered my blog and now comes here and reads it every day
every day
no one reads my blog every day! even my alter-egos dont read my blog every day!
also, "Jimi" says that he thinks "im probably wrong about the stalker thing, but maybe not"
you know what this means dont you?
and you know what else that means?
that means Jimi is probably reading this right now, and going either:
a) Finally she figured it out; or
b) I feel so violated

but still.
is this the end of the seemingly endless quest to find my stalker, or should the journey continue, until everyone in the world becomes so freaked out about me accusing them of stalking me that i retreat to that wood in Wrong Turn, or some equally isolated area?

Monday, November 06, 2006

i totally got a new toothbrush today
so excited about using it tonight
oh the tension

stalker update

just a little update on the whole someone-is-stalking-and-or-trying-to-kill-me thing, so when julia and i were on the train on friday morning, this freaky grey-haired, black trench coat and cowboy hat wearing man suddenly loomed into the carriage and started staring at us in this really weird way, like, i dont know, he was trying to memorise our faces so he could find and maul us later
anyway after that we got so scared (escpecially after he started mumbling to himself) so we got off at roseville (by the way, so did he - total stalker) and ran all the way to school so we wouldnt end up dead.
but thats not all
oh no

that afternoon as it were, i had to walk home (yes, again), and as i was walking past that freakish wooded area (you guys know what im talking about), i realised some man
a man
some man, in a leather coat
a leather coat
some man in a leather coat was walking behind me
but was he just walking behind me? probably not. definitely not.
no. he was totally following me.
anyway i did what any smart person would do, and i started running
unfortunately i also did what any not smart, totally uncoordinated and unfortunate person would do, and that was to fall off my shoe, trip over it, fly through the air, and end up with half of my leg all mauled

which im sure was of great entertainment to my stalker, mr leathercoat, my sister, who laughed at me when i got home, emmy, who gave me that look she always gives me as if to say 'how did i end up with such a weird stalker?' and pretty much everyone else on the planet
but actually, it actually hurt
so shut up

Monday, October 30, 2006

ewan my love

most giant breakthrough ever today, ever ever ever
well FIRST of all, this morning i found out that my friend knows ewan mcgregors nephew
as if that wasnt exciting enough, today at lunch, when we were talking about the horror i experienced on friday night when watching Cold Mountain and seeing the unexpected naked scene by Nicole Kidman, a conversation sparked about how Nicole Kidman has probably been naked in my house like a dillion times, on account of the fact that she used to live here, and how she probably walked around naked and watched tv naked and fed the cat naked and sat on the toilet naked
this last one sparked another random tangent, one about how on account of the fact that Nicole Kidman used to live in my house, she would have sat naked on the very same toilet that i have sat naked on (well, close to naked...naked from the waist down), which of course freaked me out to the point of insanity, until Julia realised that...
OHMIGOSH nicole kidmans naked-from-the-waist-down body has sat on the very same toilet as my naked-from-the-waist-down body
and you know what else nicole kidmans naked-from-the-waist-down body has done?
have i had sex with ewan mcgregor?
well it doesnt matter!
because this means that we are totally meant for each other, and will get married and have a dillion dillion babies called Mcgewan or Treajack
a dillion


so on the way home, i had to walk the whole way from the station, which totally sucked hairy balls, since it is like a dillion kilometres.
on my way home i have to walk past this bit near a golf course, and it is like a wood
a wood
i didnt even know woods actually existed apart from in movies like Frankenstein, but hey, apparently they do
and anyway, this just happens to be the same wood where that freak-o granny killer killed all those grannies like whenever, and i am totally NOT lying about this since i saw it once on this documentary on tv
so yeah
its true. so shut up
anyway when i walk past this bit of wood i always try to not look anywhere near it, since i figure, if some killer is hiding in there, and they see me walk past looking, and they think im looking at them, theyll think
why is she looking at me? she must be a detective! ill kill her!
and then theyll come me. so its safer not to look, because then i wont be a witness to their violent attacks.
the problem is, i swear, like everytime i walk past this wood, which, by the way, is on the side of a highway, which every car in the world drives down, suddenly ALL THE CARS DISSAPEAR, and im ALL ALONE, IN FRONT OF A WOOD, WHERE THE GRANNY KILLER KILLED PEOPLE, AND IS PROBABLY WAITING TO KILL ME TOO!
back to the story
today, when i was walking past the wood, all the cars dissapeared, as usual, and i succumbed to the temptation to look into the wood, and what did i see?
what did i see?
and then i looked a little bit harder, and what did i see?
a body bag
yeah, thats right
and did that body bag have some mauled person in it?
im just saying
and then i had to run the whole way home of course, because if i stayed there one second longer i probably would have ended up in a body bag aswell, and when i got home this is what happened:
mum: hi, how was your day?
jacki: oh it was fine
mum: thats good
jacki: except that i saw a BODYBAG!
mum: a body bag? where?
jacki: in the woods! i saw a bodybag in the woods!
mum: what woods? since when have you been anywhere near a wood? what are you on?

this is what i get
theyll be sorry when i end up in some wolf-creek wannabe movie

the old

so mean but so amusing, when we got on the train this afternoon there was this undeniable stench
it was so bad
so so bad
so julia goes
"it smells in here"
and i go
"yeah, smells like old"
and then we both turned at the same time to look dissaprovingly at this little old lady sitting in the corner
it was such a beautifully unchoreographed moment of hilarity

Friday, October 27, 2006

so last ever igssa gym today
lets have a moment of silence to commemorate the fact that we'll never again bludge our way through and entire years worth of gym..
moment over

but seriously. how is it that we manage to get ourselves into the same situation every year?
however we do it, once we get over the initial grudge of having to actually show up/compete, the rest of the day is totally fun, pretty much us running around trying to find the questacon exhibition we found once in year eight and snuck into (i think illegally - shh!), watching hot hot hot jamie doing hot hot hot pushups with his hot hot hot body in the hot hot hot foam pit, chasing emmy around for several hours and getting her to admit that she loves us, pissing off whalley/beth/selig/osborne/emmy/every other person of authority in the entire sports centre, using the staff only entrances whenever possible, finding the infamous 'ice hallway', sneaking into a conference private box thingie at some hockey arena and almost accidentally-on-purpose interrupting their top secret conference thingie, paying out people for being able to do freaking stuff that we cant do, pretending that we're elite rythmic gymnasts and 'training' outside on the grass, sunbaking out the front of the sports centre, and finding/chasing/watching the huge collection of people that we have proceeded to stalk over the past few years at igssa

which all made up pretty much the best day ever, even though it was shadowed by the fact that i was wearing the worst pair of undies in the world.
i didnt know they made undies that could be saggy and high-cut at the same time
but im wearing the proof

Thursday, October 26, 2006

hilarious yesterday at the shore pd day, which actually turned out to be quite fun and not so awkward at all
apart from the whole thing with queenwood being there, and totally cramping the rosevillians style
but whatever
while the whole day was enjoyable ill just give you the highlights:
  • catered recess, with actual caterers and home baked treats, not like roseville where theyd just crack open the Arnotts Family Pack Assorted, a bottle of red cordial, and shove us all in D03 or something
  • chapel, with an actual chapel, not like roseville where we pretend our multi multi purpose hall with stained glass window is a chapel
  • having speeches in actual auditoriums, not like at roseville where we have to stack our own chairs and leave
  • sitting on the lawn, made of actual grass, not like at roseville where everything living dies as soon as we touch it, causing the school to cover every surface in either fake tennis court material crap or concrete
  • looking at the harbour bridge, an actual view, not like at roseville where the only thing you see when you look out into the horizon is the crane sitting in the middle of the giant muddy hole that used to be our locker room
  • having conversations, with actual boys, not like at roseville where the only male interaction we get is with mr obrien, who tells us of his adventures with the notorious "jemma", and;
  • seeing food on the ground actually being picked up by someone and put into a bin, not like at roseville where you see food on the group being picked up by someone and eaten by them

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

msn virus lameheads

well first of all
shut up, all you people who invented that stupid stupid stupid msn virus, im coming to stab you since i got it like 10 dillion times and then everyone was like what the hell, whats with the msn virus, and i was like SHUT UP its not me, and then like everyone else got it and was like yeah it wasnt me, and im like shut up you said it was me when it wasnt me!
so shut up you whores!
and we should all storm the msn virus centre or wherever those lameheads that make up msn viruses live, and we can maul them
and i dont mean the sexual maul
i mean that bad kind of maul
and then theyll be sorry that they ever invented the stupid whorish lamish stupid Trojan horse BackDoor.Generic3.RTF or whatever its called
and then they wont be able to make ANY MORE stupid viruses because theyll be too busy getting mauled by me
and also they will have no arms and legs
because i have mauled them off
with my face
SERIOUSLY?! what is with these people? dont they have anything better to do than maul my computer and everyone elses computer practically in the world
am going
to stab their heads off
and then, oh yes, and then im going to make up a virus with my head and put it into their computers face and then theyll have to download some stupid virus program and scan their computer like ten dillion times and not be able to go on msn because people keep mauling them
thats right
those lameheads lames are going to be so sorry

also, i would like to acknowledge the fact that i love emmy
because i havent said so in a while

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

back to school

like a week ago i thought i would be ready to go back to school when the time came
you know
organised. well nourished. lots of sleep. full of energy
except that not, because as eveyrone knows im the least organised person on the planet, who never gets enough sleep, naps in english, and doesnt even know the meaning of the word "nourishment"
basically i thought even if i have no new folders or paper or pens, i havent read emma and i cant even remember how to do pythagoras, at least ill be able to keep myself awake in english if i have a good night sleep, except that somehow my sister convinced me to drink almost 2 litres of coke before i went to bed, equals instead of getting the beauty sleep i needed, i was up until 230 in the morning with her, dancing with the cat, jumping on the bed, and plotting ways to get back at the selig woman.
anyway finally catherine went to bed, trouble was that there was still some coke left, and i wasnt exactly thinking about the consequences, so 3 cups later, there i was, wrapped in a red blanket and hanging in catherines doorway singing about "johnny brown" i think it was.
so by the time i finally fell asleep, it was pretty much time to wake up anyway.
and go to school
seven weeks, and counting

Monday, October 16, 2006


again i have been brutally attacked by a spider that was trying to kill me because it is the destiny of every spider on the planet to attack me and kill me
because its like their job
spiders were put on this world to attack and kill jacki trew
spiders and maths teachers
anyway catherine, my hero, saved me from the killer spider which is now lying dead at the top of the stairs so i cant go downstairs because its blocking the path and theres no way i can jump over it because what if it comes back to life and jumps onto the back of my neck?
and then ill fall down the stairs and end up at the bottom.
And even if im not dead then, someone in my house will probably be like
a crazy person falling down the stairs!!!
and light me on fire or something, and then ill run out to the pool and jump in, to stop myself from being on fire.
But then even if i didnt die from being on fire then the shark that i think is hidden in the bottom of the pool will probably be released from its underpool cage and will eat half of my body off.
And even if im not dead then, ill probably be so disorientated from the blood loss that ill trip over my face and get impaled on my dads drill or something
And even if im not dead then, and someone comes to rescue me, it will probably be Ewan, because we are destined, and i will die from the sight of him because he is the sexiest man in existance.
And even if im not dead then, the spider will still be on the back of my neck and it will bite me with its face and i will be killed.
so, to sum up, all spiders are trying to kill me.

im bringing sexy back

so the plan is, is that i meet ewan mcgregor who is hung like a bus, and i mean a bus
like a bus
and then he is so sexy that if he brought sexyback with anyone else then the whole world would explode because of sexy overload on one persons part but then we are destined so when i bring sexyback with him then sexy isnt an overload in a bad way
but overload in a good way
so then sexy goes all over the whole universe and jacki and ewan bring sexyback
so yes
we are the bringers back of sexy

Monday, October 09, 2006

Alex - a dedication

well this is basically a dedication to alex who is the coolest ever!!! because i forgot to call her on her birthday even though i probably shouldnt have on account of the time she bullied me with my stupid sister for like 10 hours on the way to the mall and ate lollies in front of me and kept changing the radio station whenever i said i liked the song and dropped me off on the side of a highway and told me to walk the rest of the way when she and catherine got bored of me

but still despite these things she is the coolest bum ever who i shall maul next time i see her becoz of the whole forgetting-of-birthday thing
and you better enjoy it alex
and you better maul be back
and it will be oh-so-enjoyable, almost as enjoyable as the time you spend mocking me and my blog, which i know you secretly love, otherwise why would you read it?
you know im right baby

and so, in a loving tribute to you, alex, alex k, k-dog, doggy-dog, kerrmeister, the kerr, k-shiz, alex nizzle, nizzle kerrizzle, whatever whatever, i present...

Alex - A Dedication
oh alex, with hair so orange, orange like fire
you're the best, im not a liar
forgive me for forgetting the day of your birth
you are so much hotter than colin firth (that was for you lauren)
oh alex, with boots so black
i stuck up your photo with a thumb-tack
it was so hot, as hot as the night
and i hope that we shall never fight
oh alex, who reads my blog
you look nothing like a frog
lets go for a jog
and then we can wash a hog
that smells like a bog the toilet
the end

Saturday, October 07, 2006

jennifer lopez sucks

u no what i just realised?
why does ANYBODY like jennifer lopez?
i mean, seriously, why?
why why why?
her songs SUCK. seriously. she sucks. sucks hairy porn star balls.
listen to this:
Play, come on
Play that song
Play it all night long
Just turn it up and turn me on
Play, come on dj
Play that song
You that it turns me on
Just turn it up and turn me on
who would have ever thought that song and long ryhme? thats the best thing ive ever heard in my life!
oh but wait, it gets better!
the last two lines - when you ryhmed on with on?
seriously even i, without a single creative bone in my creative-less body could thing of something better than that
so, jennifer lopez, go die in a whole filled with award for making the crappest songs in the world because they are so crap
yes yes yes
that is all

Thursday, October 05, 2006

supergroup visits the beach

well today was the day that shall go down in history as the first ever supergroup excursion, when practically half of our year went to the beach together
and it was so awesome
but not awesome enough to give you a play-by-play of, so ill just tell you the highlight of the day, which had to be the paying out of Sair because of some of the music she had on her ipod, which included:
  • the soundtrack of One Night The Moon
  • Hillary and Haylie duff, and (wait for it)
  • The Pussycat Dolls

*shakes head*
anyway the best part was when me and julia had to get the bus home, but when we got to the bus stop, there were about 100 people waiting in line, and of course, we were at the back, which sparked the conversation of how all these people waiting for the bus were judging us because we were last in line, and how we wished we were at the front of the line so we could get on the bus first and sit up the back and judge everyone else.

then of course we got the idea that if we didnt catch the bus that everyone was lining up for now, then we could be first in line for the next bus to come, and then our dream of sitting up the back and being able to judge everyone else on the bus would finally be realised!!! only of course our plan was foiled because when waiting for the bus, we decided that we were too cool to sit in the actual bus stop, so we went around the corner to wait, and when we realised that the bus was here, and ran back arund to the bus stop, there was another line waiting to get on, and this one was even longer than the first one, and we were at the back

oh yes
the back. the very back
so i just have to say shut up because if you dont then i will be behind you for eternity, judging you, or the ghost of judging will be doing that for me in memory of the time i didnt get to judge everyone else from the back of the bus
so watch out

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

julias rage

well now im just going to maul you all about julias rage towards stupid people who are stupid and lame and leave stupid and lame comments which arent even ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL, THEY ARE JUST STUPID CRAP ABOUT BOOK VOUCHERS WHICH NO ONE WILL EVEN EVER USE BECAUSE YOU ARE SO GAY SO SHUT UP
so dont even knock on my door, say say
because im not home because YOU ARE SO LAME
shut up
why do you even come on my blog if you are so stupid that you cant even be bothered to not be stupid?
like yeah. hell yeah julia
so i think what julia should do is become one of those stupid people except NOT be stupid (oh i bet you didnt see that one coming) and leave comments on their lame blogs about how lame they are
and then they will realise their lameness and go write songs about it
but no one will listen to them because they will be so lame
except possibly me, just so i can laugh at them and say
'your songs are so lame dude'
and then they shall weep

attack of the killer sewing machine

today was horrible in everyway possible
firstly i was woken up early by the sound of my cat attempting to lick the skin off my face, which was heinous, just heinous, especially since me trying to get her off me only made her more determined to make my face look like a raw piece of meat
then i spent most of the day running away from the sewing machine since it was trying to maul me the entire time. like seriously, i would be innocently sitting on the couch and then i would hear some weird whirring roaring noise, turn around, and there it would be, the killer sewing machine, just waiting to stitch me to that weirdly coloured rug my mum bought.
then because my mum has seriously not gone food shopping for like the last 100 years, there was nothing to eat in our whole house except an old piece of watermelon, which ive now been chewing on for the last, lets see, four and a half hours
and i know what you're thinking, you're thinking well why didnt you go buy your own food, ass
well shut up because ive spent so much of my own money this year that i am actually broke, like so broke and so much of a homeless bum that i think my parents are considering throwing me out of the house because im giving the family a bad name
its so lame

also my pajama pants fell apart today
i think that was the suckiest part

Sunday, October 01, 2006

butch weekend

obviously since i spent all of friday night dressing up as Bella Dancerella, i had to make up for all that femininity with some hardcore butch manliness, so on saturday night we went to sairs to watch the afl final and tonite i went with julia to the league final
and ive gotta tell you
im feeling the testosterone

but seriously though
so much manliness in one weekend
im ready for my oestrogen thanks
and it wasnt just watching the manly sports either, i mean, at sairs we fully had a bbq for dinner, and really, is there any food that is more manly than a bbq, if there is then i havent found it yet, and neither has anyone else because there is no such thing
so shut up
but i think the thing that cancelled out a little of the manliness was the fact that they all cried when the lost
the butch men sport manly men sport players i mean
like one guy was actually sobbing on the ground
theres nothing like seeing a 300 kg manbeast that could kill a normal sized person just by looking at them reduced to a teary mess on the ground

i love ewan, my sexy hunky man hunk that im going to marry forever Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


what is with the crap that comes with my name
everyone else has cool names
like julia
she has like 10 songs named after her, and a character in the Duchess of Malfi AND a type of flower
and kiera
she has a mountain named after her
and mel, who has the same name as TWO of the spice girls
and like everyone else has something cool with their name
and what do i get? nothing.
and it sucks. like, i tried to find a flower called the jacki flower
and what do i get, when i type in "jacki flower" into
this poo and wee and babypoo coloured piece of crap which makes me want to vomit and you probably wouldnt even notice if i vomited on it, since its practically the colour of poo-coloured vomit.
and what do i get when i try to find a song called jacki?
oh some song thats called jacki and seems like its going to be really nice but when i actually download it and listen to it (that was illegal - shh!) it turns out to be this random old guy singing spanish bullfighting music or some crap
and just when your like "what the hell does this crap have to do with jacki?" it gets to the chorus and you hear the random old guy going "ohh and they called me jacki, they called me jacki"
so its like oh.
by the way betch. THAT SUCKED
because first of all, the only song that was named after me is this spanish bullfighting crap, and it was sung by a man AND the "jacki" is a man
which just sucks
am i a man? well probably. but still
and then when i tried to find something remotely not repulsive by just typing "jacki" into, all i got was pictures of female body builders
i mean
come on
cant i catch a break? that just sucks
this just sucks!
and then you know what i thought, i thought, maybe my name doesnt have flowers or songs or people that arent grotesque attached to it, but it probably has some cool meaning, something like
"the finest stalker to ever roam the hills"
or something
so i type in my name into to find out my destiny and what do i get?
we have no information on this name
maul your faces
thats what ill do
then theyll put me in the dictionary and ill get songs about mauling people named after me
im about to strike a blow for all the jackis, so saddle up your booties and flare your pettycoats and do all that other important crap because the jackis are about to storm the world

Monday, September 25, 2006

a sandy problem

so this was supposed to be yesterdays blog but yesterday i was being lazy
as usual
so anyway
me and julia decided to go to the beach again, on sunday, after we'd gone on saturday, and id also been on wednesday, tuesday, and also the saturday before, so by this time i was pretty sandy anyway but on sunday the sand just decided to spite us all and be the biggest sand-bitch in the world.
so basically
we go to the beach and everything seems good, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the sea is...seaing??
so we went and put all our sunscreen on (being the sun-concious ambassadors that we are) and lay down in the sand and then what we didnt realise is that on that day, the wind was blowing like a gale, i mean there was practically a hurricane on the beach, and in like 10 seconds me and julia were both covered in sand
but wait
it gets worse
since we just put sunscreen on, all the sand actually STUCK to our skin and we couldnt get it off and it was all over us and we were transformed into
the worst part was that no one else seemed to have the same problem as us
what the hull
how did that happen?
then when we went into the water to try and get it all off it wouldnt
so we looked like even bigger freaks, floating in the water, trying to scrub all the sand off, and keep our heads above the water, and avoid the killer blue bottles, AND not get dumped by all the waves or get sucked out to sea by a rip.
and now im sitting at home with sand in my eyes, sand in my ears, sand in my hair, sand all over my arms and legs and sand in places that i didnt even know existed until i found sand in them
and it sucks

but actually
feels kind of good

Friday, September 22, 2006

shower thoughts# 14

what the hell
is with the saying "night night sleep tight"
first of all
why say night twice? whats the point? are you on crack? do you have a speech inpediment?
what the hell! you're wasting valuable speech...ness by saying it twice, you could be using the energy you used to say that extra night
you could be using it to say something so much more useful, like
pass the food
help, i am being attacked by ivan milat who is on a killing rampage
and the other thing
sleep tight??
what the hell does that even mean? sleep in a straight-jacket? sleep bound in your sheets? sleep tied tightly to the bedposts???
how kinky
but seriously
if anyone ever uses that saying in front of my ever again im going to smack their bottom even harder than i would like to smack mrs shiz's bottom when she pauses the movie in english AGAIN FOR LIKE THE TEN DILLIONTH TIME
and thats pretty darn hard

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

what a good day
what a great day
so first of all we had a modern exam, which sucked, but in comparison to other exams wasnt so totally sucky because at least i got to make faces at mr dubbyah as he walked past.
i tried to make them meaningful faces, something that read "im going to hurt you for making this exam so hard" but they probably came out as "i really need to go to the toilet right now"
because after we all got to go to the beach, well the people that were fortunate enough to not have maths extension and chem prac exams today
lets have a moment of silence for those poor people. may the memory of them live on forever
ok. moments over
anyway to the beach was fun because me mel and beth got to go in jess's car when jess drove us (OHmigosh more than two other people in the car no one tell jess's mum) and it was good times, great times, basically me beth and mel were half naked in the car, struggling to put on sunscreen while jess screamed at us for directions, before finally stopping at a gas station for some more petrol. while she did that, me and beth played "car wash" and used one of those funky squidgey things to clean the front and back windscreens, then got back into the car and ate every bit of food we could find (gum, extra drops, mel had a muffin at one point i think) while we waited for jess to come back with a packet of twisties which we also finished off in about six seconds ("dont eat them all now guys")
anyway the beach was good, there were good moments, none as good as yesterday when casey ran into a road block on the way to the bus stop, but good none the less

i just realised anyway that since exams are over now, we have to go to school at normal time and finish at normal time and its going to totally suck
oh well
at least i get to see emmy again

Monday, September 18, 2006

attack of the killer blowfly

but seriously though
you guys are lucky im even here to live to tell this tale of horror because i almost got killed
oh yeah
so i was in the shower (yeah scene of the crime i know) and i heard this buzzing noise and i was like
what is that? and i turned around and there it was, the biggest blowfly ive ever seen in my life it was probably the length of my arm it was so long and i was like
and it was like
and i was like
and it was like
and i was like
and from outside catherine was like

so then i had to have my whole shower around this stupid blowfly which kept, like, kamikazi divebombing my face and it was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me
and then, just now, when i was thinking of writing a lovely post about something lovely like how in 2 days we get to go back to modern and see emmy, i felt something on my arm and looked down and there it was
there it was
and you know what they say about flies dont you, the whole thing about how if they land on your skin it only takes them one second to vomit, poo and lay eggs on your skin
well this stupid evil blowfly was on my arm for like at least 3 seconds and also it was like 2,498 times bigger than a regular fly, so lets see that means it must have vomited, pood and layed eggs how many times..
(does calculations)
im going to DIE
that blowfly
oh gosh
its probably lurking like under my pillow as we speak and then when i go to lay my head down and fall asleep itll pounce and swallow my head whole
i mean its me we're talking about
holy crap
listen to what just happened

mum: jacki your room smells
jacki: your room smells!
mum: no it doesnt
jacki: well have you ever noticed how my room only smells when YOU'RE in it? (thinking i've won the fight)
mum: and when you're in it
jacki: well shut up!
mum: you shut up
jacki: you shut up
mum: shut up your face
jacki:...i have nothing to say to that

oh man. insulted by my own mother

Saturday, September 16, 2006

shower thoughts # 13

i had a thought just now in the shower

if theres a horse and it has no head and no legs and no arms and no mane or tail or anything, its just a cube shaped lump of...whatever horse is made out of (essence of horse?) with a brain and heart and some bones and hey lets chuck some blood in there too, is it an animal? because it cant really do much.
like imagine trying to ride a horse like that.
would it even be called a horse? or would it be called a....furry-horse-like-log

scratch that thought.
imagine riding a horse that had no head and no legs and was just the torse of the horse perched on top of four little hoovies.
and it had to like scuttle along the ground
like a crab
i shall call it
the crorse
well excuse me for blogging so much on christian but i cant help that he is the love of my life

and also
in response to a recent comment
i so did not blog like 8 times on the same thing
because here at we blog about a range of things which all benefit the human race in differing ways.
our posts range from ways to escape the clutches of ivan milat, to what a human should or should not eat in the bath to how to successfully stalk your modern teacher.

Moulin Rouge 2

listen to what i just found:

According to ITV, the "Star Wars" actor - who does have a killer voice, now that I think of it - is trying to persuade movie bosses to do a sequel to his 2001 hit.
"I've never done anything like it. There's never been anything like it. The opportunity to sing and dance and be part of a company like that. It felt like we were in the circus", he says. "It was an extraordinary experience going to work every day - the colour, the music, the crazy Baz. It was fantastic. I'd do it all again tomorrow. I'd be quite happy to make Moulin Rouge! II."

well, this is just excellent
with nicole kidman out of the way (sorry but you know...she did die) theyre free to hire me to play the new love interest of Christian!
oh oh oh! i am going to die. of love overload
this is a tad stalkerish.

oh who cares.

i love him!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Oops i did it again (blushes) Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


but seriously though
ONE comment in the last EIGHT posts?
i get that its exams, but am i the only one not studying?

if this keeps up i may lose my muse for the blog industry

the end of suckonomics!

oh baby
feels good
last ever economics assessment today
its over
shut up mrs black you cant scare me anymore because im done with economics!
done done done
and i finished the whole exam! the whole thing!
of course it probably didnt help that i spent more time thinking about Christian from Moulin Rouge than i did the essay question, but really, who wants to sit and think about government intervention into the price mechanism when you can think about your future husband

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

perfect match?

Question one - Your favourite past-time is...
a) Dancing 15 pirouhettes
b) Singing love songs to your love
c) Making scary faces and holding guns

Question two - Your least favourite past-time is...
a) Not dancing 15 pirouhettes
b) Getting dumped by your love for some ugly duke
c) Letting the hitch-hiker get away

Question three - Your favourite thing is...
a) Your ballet shoes and soccer ball
b) You have no possesions. Your love is all that matters
c) You find it hard to choose between your gun and the spade you use to dig graves

Question four - If someone were to describe you, they would say you...
a) were the girl next door
b) had a ridiculous obsession with love
c) should be in Goulburn Gaol

Question five - Your aim in life is to...
a) Marry Julia Hirst
b) Marry Jacki Trew
c) Kill Jacki Trew

Mostly A's
If you had mostly a's, your perfect match is Robert Hoffman (the ex-boyfriend from She's The Man). Robert dances ballet and plays soccer in a movie and well i dont really know much else about him but julia seems to love him so i had to put him in ;) i love you mumsie
Mostly B's
If you had mostly b's, your one true love is Christian from Moulin Rouge (NOT ewen mcgregor...Christian from Moulin Rouge). Christian knows the greatest thing you'll ever that having lots of sex and babies with Jacki Trew is the only way to go
Mostly C's
If you got mostly c's, you are a freak.
Also, your perfect match is Ivan Milat. Ivan, like you, is a freak, and Ivan, like you, will probably end up killing me. Get off my blog.
but seriously though
i am so connected to Christian from moulin rouge
listen to this

he loves satine right?
and satine is nicole kidman
and i live in nicole kidmans house
and i love him

so basically, we should probably get married and have babies RIGHT NOW
so christian from moulin rouge if you're reading this (because you know, maybe nicole kidman gave you the url or whatever) then you should know that i want to have your babies

right now
thats about it
i love you christian from moulin rouge!

i love christian! Posted by Picasa

make my babies you big hunk of manly-man! Posted by Picasa
well so i just watched moulin rouge again and julia is like dammit in a year we have to think about uni courses and stuff and im like
and then
i decided that instead of doing the whole uni thing (because you know who needs the stress) ill instead move to mortmarte or whatever its called and go to the moulin rouge and be like
Christian where are youuu? come have babies with me
and there will be no response except maybe some crazy french guy will come out and be like
or however you spell all the french words and ill be like baaaaah because hes probably the french equivilent to ivan milat or whatever but who cares because i just want to have babies with christian he is so hot
and then probabaly all those crazy moulin rouge folk will come out and be like look at this crazy girl and like make me clean the moulin rouge
which would actually be kind of cool
you know
moulin rouge
ohmigosh so cool
but seriously i am so going there to meet christian even though im pretty sure that is the stupidest idea ive ever had

Saturday, September 09, 2006

handy hints #2

its probably not the best idea to eat a burrito in the bath

Thursday, September 07, 2006

the little school bag of horrors

screw all those other scary movies that are coming out at the moment.
ive got the real stuff.
ive got the stuff that will scare you so much you'll want to crawl back into the womb and never come out.
oh yeah

i cleaned out my schoolbag
contents included:
  • 16 spoons
  • 3 drinkbottles
  • 4 newsletters from school
  • a box of unopened staples
  • a red candle
  • 5 buttons
  • a knife
  • about a metre of aluminium foil
  • a container of fish food
  • 2 mandarins
  • 2 apples
  • 6 tupperware containers
  • a packet of uneaten popcorn
  • a packet of half eaten popcorn
  • an open bottle of nailpolish
  • a box of dress pins
  • an eye mask
  • a magnifying glass
  • 2 brown-ish sandwiches
  • 3 green sandwiches
  • 5 black sandwiches
  • part of a dress pattern
  • a piece of grey furry material (???)
  • one removable bra strap
  • Jane Eyre (so thats where it went)
  • half a bag of cotton balls
  • a nail file
  • one ipod earphone (only one. no cord. just the earbud bit. what the hell?)
  • a broken cd
  • 2 rubbers
  • an unpicker
  • one green shoe
  • a greenwich sports club flag
  • a red tie (???)

but the most disturbing thing i found?

  • the crotch off a pair of stockings. seriously. like it had been cut out. no legs. just the stockvag

ohh what the hell



he found me.

handy hints #1

(i got this one from Janey)
if you're supposed to be filling out a worksheet for ancient over a number of weeks, and it comes to the due date and you're still to write one word, simply tell your teacher that you've been typing the answers out at home so that you can print them all out to use for handy exam study notes

farewelling titanic

so today we decided that after lying, half-impaled on a slimey rock at the bottom of the fishtank for the better part of almost two days, it was probably time that someone put Titanic the fish out of his misery.

jacki: ok. where do we bury him?
beth: well mr ob said to find somewhere "appropriate"
mai: how funny would it be if we just chucked him onto vandy?
beth: ohmigosh lets bury him next to vandy!
jo: hahaha yeah lets go
jacki: ok, ill carry the fishbowl
(after walking for about 2 minutes)
beth: wow. its a long walk to vandy
jo: want me to take the fishbowl?
jacki: (trying not to let Titanic splash out of the bowl) yes please
(after arriving at Vandy)
mai: ok, lets bury him here
beth: yes under this tree (starts digging hole)
jo: haha this is so heavy
jacki: we should make a gravestone or something
beth: we love you Titanic
mai: no, you dont say stuff until after its buried
jo: can we put him in yet?
jacki: use the ruler to scoop him out of the bowl
beth: (trying to do so) haha its so hard
jacki: (shrieking) OHMIGOSH ITS ALIVE!
mai: AAHHHHH!!!
jo: shut up, no its not
jacki: i thought i saw it blink!
beth: its dead you idiot
mai: ok put it in the hole
beth: (puts it in the hole) there we go
mai: pat it down
beth: (looking slightly perplexed, pats it down) ok, there we go
jacki: oh, Titanic, we hardly knew yee
jo: ok we need to cover it up
(set about covering the hole with dirt, flowers and those plastic starfish from the bottom of the tank)
beth: all done
jo: its so beautiful
jacki: and now, for the ceremonial tipping over of the fishbowl (kicks fishbowl over so that the water gushes down the footpath)
everyone: (screaming)
jacki: shut up, its ceremonial
mai: haha whatever
beth: farewell Titanic!

(and so it continued for several more minutes in the hopes that by the time we returned to the classroom maths would be over)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Titanic - A tribute

so as you may or may not know, our beloved maths class pet, Titanic the fish, passed away today
or as mr ob would say "went to the telstra big pond in the sky"
so this ones for you Titanic

The nicest fish I ever knew
Is lying, sideways, in his poo
That sexy fish, all covered in mould
And all the time he was so bold
Never did I know a more noble pet
I had no time to take him to the vet
Cya Titanic, we say goodbye
have fun at telstra big pond in the sky

calling all stalkees

well i decided that since mrs sally is leaving me (LEAVING ME!!) i have to find someone else to stalk.
so any suggestions r welcome


shut up all you people who are trying to show sympathy for steve irwin and being totally lame about it.
i mean,
if you want to grieve for the man, go ahead and grieve, he was a national hero, the most famous australian in the world, he preserved our wildlife and educated our children, whatever whatever whatever
but seriously
stop being lame and pretending you know him and then sounding totally stupid on the radio professing your undying love for him or whatever
first of all.
to all you people who say "at least he died doing what he loved"
um. ok
died doing what he loved? what, he loved getting stabbed in the chest, did he?
and second of all, whats with the turtles on msn?
shut up! shut up with the turtles!
do you really think he's going to be brought back by an emoticon?! NO
and also
turtles are endangered! What, you think steve irwin doesnt know that?!

Monday, September 04, 2006

ohmigosh was so fun today
well first of all the first thing i practically saw (since i wasnt awake in first period) was emmys face which had exploded yet again, this time from an allergy to makeup so she had to go somewhere to get half her face shaved off or something so basically she looked like Yancy in sleepover when she puts the fake tan on
which of course sparked another round of conversation about yancy and emmy and about how they are long lost twins
then in dt mandy ellen and me had to get these manikins from the fashion parade and carry them across the whole school practically to put them away in the archives office but we had to do it very quietly because mrs collins had actually stolen them and we couldnt let anyone know that we'd taken them because we werent supposed to

but of course its very hard to keep quiet when your friends are carrying two plastic legs and an ass and you're carrying a torso, and the hair is all in your face and the arms and hands keep falling off and you keep using them to grab peoples butts.
so anyway we made it across the school and decided to get into the lift to take us to the office because there was no way i was carrying that thing up the stairs
trouble is when you cram three girls and two manikins into a tiny little lift, when the doors open at the top and you're all laughing and touching the manikins in places i wont mention, it kind of looks like you've been having an orgy

it was totally worth it to see amandas face when she walked into the dark office and turned on the light and the first thing she saw was a child manikin dressed in the school uniform (panama hat and all).
anyway then we proceeded to bludge our way through the rest of the dt lesson by carrying things too and from the hall, aimlessly walking around the school and hanging out in the archives office and violating the male manikins.

ok. that last one was just me.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Now im all for High School Musical
Ive watched it. Oh, ive watched it a million times.
And I watched the sing along
And I watched the dance along.

But what did I just see on the tv?
You saw the original. You sung along in the sing-along. You learned the moves in the dance-along…
do both at the same time!! With the High School Musical sing AND dance along!! Bust a move, sing, and groove, this Sunday at 6.30pm, with the High School Musical sing-and-dance along!

The High School Musical talk-along?
Watch the subtitles at the bottom of the screen and talk out the ENTIRE MOVIE with your friends!
Or what else? The High School Musical act-along?
Learn the steps from the actors themselves, and copy each body movement made by every character in the movie!
The High School Musical bake-along?
Baking is easy, with the High School Musical bake-along! Bake all of Zeke’s favourite treats, starting with, you guessed it – crème brule!
The High School Musical dress-along?
Just grab a sewing machine and some thread, and make your very own High School Musical costumes!! Perform for your family and friends – you’ve got the crap, we’ve got the know-how…lets make high school musical outfits together!!

I mean. For crying out loud.
Oh, who am I kidding, we all know im going to watch it.
Probably twice.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

you know what the worst thing to do is?
well, i was going to say to not eat your lunch, but then i thought, no, thats the second worst thing to do

the worst thing to do is to not eat your lunch AND then to leave the uneaten lunch at the bottom of your school bag until a collection of uneaten lunches start to pile up and suddenly you have so many uneaten lunches in your bag that you cant even fit your pencil case in
and you cant take them out and put them in the bin because your mum will find them and start in on you about how food isnt free and devon doesnt grow on trees (though it would be totally cool if it did because julia would have a mental breakdown), and she'll go on and on and on and on about it until you get so bored that you actually fall asleep right there in front of her, and then she'll start in about how rude your generation is, and how in her day nobody would fall asleep in front of their mothers and then you'll make some tactless comment about how old she is and next thing you know your mums in gaol and you only have half a leg and a chainsaw that doesnt quite work anymore left

so really the only thing you can do is let them collect, but then this turns out bad too, because after a while, all the old sandwiches start to look the same, and those look the same as todays sandwich, so really, when i eat my lunch, i dont know if what im eating is fresh or 3 months old, and the only way to find out is to take a bite

and you know what tastes even worse than a 3 month old sandwich?
a 3 month old snack pack
thats gone warm

shower thoughts #12

have u ever noticed how when you get out of the shower, the bottoms of your feet are still wet?
and then when you run naked from the bathroom to your bedroom you leave watery footprints all over the floorboards, and when you come back some time later to inspect them, you notice they look suspiciously like wolf footprints?

yeah, me neither :S

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


you know what?
i dont care if no one else belives me

because harry potter is the same story as the holocaust.
i mean
think about it.
it totally works.
voldemort is hitler obviously
and dumbledore can be schindler
the death eaters are the klu klux klan (havent you seen the fourth movie? THEY HAVE THE POINTY HATS AND EVERYTHING!!)
then think about it. hitler wanted an arean (or however you spell it) race, right?
and what did voldemort want?
i am totally a genius. someone give me the nobel prize!
first i figured out how to use myspace, and now this??
ok, forget the nobel prize, just appoint me supreme leader of the universe
you know what else i think?
that guy who sells flowers in the carpark opposite st leonards station
hes trying to kill me.
ok, well maybe not kill me, but i can see it in his eyes. theres something there. like every time i walk past i can totally tell he is plotting ways of attacking me, shaving my head and using my hair to make woven wicker baskets that he'll use to store flowers

i mean. seriously.
and i can tell what you're thinking
you're thinking this crazy girl, she thinks everyones trying to kill her, first ivan milat, then her modern teacher, then the creature that lurks under her shower, then her maths teacher, then her gym coach, then her other maths teacher, then the creature that lurks in her roof space, then the birds in the park and now this?
well shut up!

because if you dont believe me then your loss because tomorrow morning you will probably wake up bald and surrounded by dozens of hairy woven baskets
and then who will be laughing?

..well probably not me since ill probably be dead since if the flower man got you then the odds of someone else getting me increase at least 45%