Wednesday, April 23, 2008

hey catherine, would you rather...

(Catherine is lying in bed and im sitting on the floor in her room)

me: Ok, would you rather me flicking this lamp (points to the lamp on her bedside table) on and off and on and off while you try to sleep, or me sitting here for the whole night and every time the time changes i would say it like this (puts on a freaky voice that kind of sounds like Professor Snape) eleven fifty-two. eleven fifty-three. eleven fifty-four, and i would do it for the whole night?

(pause. catherine stares at me. i stare at catherine. we both burst out into hysterical laughter)

me: oh! I made myself crack up!
catherine: That is the stupidest question you have ever asked me.
me: just answer
catherine: ok, i guess id prefer....the light?
me: really? really? this wouldnt annoy you??? (turns the light on and off a few times and it makes a really loud noise)
catherine: yeah, thats annoying, but that voice you did really freaks the crap out of me
me: (trying to speak through the laughter) this is so going on my blog
catherine: is there anything that doesnt go on your blog?
me: ok did you know that there are probably poo particles on your toothbrush? definitely, actually
catherine: ok how did we get onto this subject?
me: (ignoring her) because the poo particles travel from the toilet and like latch themselves onto everything in the bathroom especially the toothbrushes
catherine: jacki -
me: and even if you kept the toothbrush in its original packaging, it would still have poo particles on it because the poo particles can penetrate the plastic!
catherine: jacki -
me: and if you've ever been in a public bathroom you probably have other peoples poo particles on you, like, right now!
catherine: jacki -
me: you know, i probably have a famous persons poo particles on me. like Eric Bana.
catherine: jacki...wait, why Eric Bana?
me: because we stayed at Lord Howe with him, and he probably farted some time during that trip. (Catherine looks disgusted). What, like you can get through the whole of dinner without farting once?!
catherine: you're disgusting
me: you know im right!
catherine: get out of my room
me: whatever.

so which would you guys rather?

Saturday, April 12, 2008

for your reading pleasure

so i went for a walk today, and, idiot that i am, i decided to wear thongs.
not a big deal right?
well i didnt think so, until i accidentally walked through an ants nest.
anyway, try as i might to escape them, two or three latched onto my toes and started biting like crazy. and let me tell you, these were no ordinary ants, because no matter how hard i kicked, they just wouldnt come off!
So there i am, trying to walk, kicking out my legs to try and get the ants off and screaming because of the pain. and of course my sunglasses fell off and my ipod earphones came out of my ears and started flailing around my head and when i finally got the ants off my feet i turned and saw that i was standing next to Kingsford Smith Oval and the entire Lane Cove Over 45's Soccer team is pointing.
and laughing.
at me.

its a great day to be jacki trew.

what IS it with me and showers??

so along with spiders, history teachers, bus drivers, lolly-pop-men, magpies and my sister, i can now make yet another addition to the list of people or things who are trying to kill me.
at first i thought, you know, maybe its just a one-off terrible shower experience.
but this morning i was proved wrong.

so there i was, innocently enjoying the hot water and the shower radio and the smell of my conditioner, and i decided to wash my face.
thats when things went bad.

so the conditioner was still in my hair and i was soaping up my face and SUDDENLY it happened. that thing that you guys hear about but never actually experience because, well, most peoples showers arent trying to kill them. whatever.
so suddenly the water changed from pleasantly hot to ice-cold.
so cold that the sides of the shower instantly froze, like that scene in The Day After Tomorrow, where the air changes temperature so quickly that the flag freezes into an ice-block?
yeah. exactly like that.
so basically i was trapped in this shower-slash-death-chamber, and im trying to turn the hot tap up and the cold tap down except theres soap in my eyes so i cant really see what im doing, and OH YEAH, remember that time the shower guy came to fix the shower, and while doing so, he switched the hot and cold taps so that when you turn the hot tap cold comes out and when you turn the cold tap hot comes out? so of course THAT factored into the whole situation (as you can imagine), and the water kept getting colder and the soap in my eyes was stinging and the shower radio was up so loud that nobody could hear my screams for help.
so finally i decided that even though i was wet and covered in soap and there was conditioner still in my hair, the only way to save myself was to get out of the shower. which i did, with great difficulty, and then proceeded to slide accross the wet bathroom floor, tangle myself up in the towels on the towel rack, and end up falling backwards into the spa.
which, as you can imagine, was really comfortable.
anyway so there you have it. the proof that my shower is trying to kill me.
ill never be clean again.