Wednesday, May 31, 2006

carnival folk

OHmigosh so ok today was the athletics carnival and it was pretty fun.
i wore a waistcoat. we all did heaps of stuff like me beff han n kc stalked the shan for like half an hour and invited her to our picnic BUT she said no and THEN she made us carry these stupid athletics tool thingies ALL the way across the stupid stupid oval and they like mauled beths arms off.
then it got hot and we got hungry so we went back to our seats and mauled jess's waterbottle which weighs a dillion litres and ate a whole bag of chips. then it was like a billion degrees and we were dying because it was so hot so julia and i put our jumpers on our heads and pretended to be grim reapers and then we made beth be the priest of our grim reaper marriage which was v. romantic.
then it was way to hot so we went and sat outside the bathrooms and read cosmo and laughed at hillary duff and kieth urban because neither of them have orgasms, and these women with collosal nipples, and we tied julias arms and legs together and laughed at her.
basically that was it for the day apart from me and julia trying to get changed on the bus which was considerably hard because the bus kept turning corners and i kept sliding off the seat and my stockings were exploding all over the shop.

good times.

Monday, May 29, 2006

pubic armour

if you think about it, i mean really think about it, the smartest thing to do is to make armour out of pubic hairs.

I mean think about it. would you touch anyone elses pube? i dont think so! So if you were covered with pubes, all over your body woven together by people who dont care that all they do all day is weave pubes together to make armour, then no one would touch you, and you would never ever ever in a million years be hurt by anyone because everyone would be too scared to come near you incase they accidentally touched you and everyone would mock and ridicule them for the rest of their lives, screaming
"Dont touch her! She touched the pube! THE PUUUUUBE"
It would almost be as bad as eating a caramel slice that has a pubic hair on it.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

now who's laughing?


like in maths the teachers are all "we know ur doing general and yes ur going to be in mr obriens class but because we are so old and slow and we take 20 years to do one word of paperwork, you have to stay in advanced until we're finished and decide to stop being such munches. oh, and while ur in advanced you can do work from the general book, even though we all know perfectly well that you dont actually own a general book, and that the general class is doing shares on the computer at the moment, and no, we will not let you do that"
so basically, i can sit in the advanced class, but i cant do general and i cant do advanced.
so all i have to say is "hahahaha!".
i mean, i cant believe the teachers would actually be stupid enough to fall into such an obvious trap. if they really knew me they would know that im the kind of person who would rather chew off her own hand than do maths by choice, and here they have actually handed me the chance to sit in class and stare out the window for 50 minutes without being persecuted for it.

life is good.

utter confusion

i have a feeling.
you know that feeling of total and utter confusion you get when, say, i dont know, you realise that despite the total hatred shown towards you by someone, lets say, oh, your modern teacher, you still, hmm, lets see, love them anyway?

emmy. if ur reading this. which i know you are. because you cant bare to be away from me for more than one second. i have to ask you...why do we all love you so much? if you were old we so wouldnt. despite:
  • the filthy looks i get whenever i even think about taking a breath
  • the exasperated sighs i get when i ask stupid rhetorical questions
  • the taunting of my bad marks despite the fact that my marks arent bad.
  • the eye rolls
  • the "jacki stop rocking on your chair before I stab you" thing
  • the "jacki stop talking before I stab you" thing
  • the "jacki stop threatening to stab me before I stab you" thing
  • the shut ups
  • the determination to show no human emotion towards me

yes, yes, even despite these things and more we still all love u emmy-em-poops.

even me.

especially me.

Friday, May 19, 2006

That Time I Met...Emmy Shanahan

Jacki: Emmy, I love you
Shanahan: Shut up

the end of an era

wooo im jumping for joy because i just had my last mathematics lesson EVER!! becoz i failed mi maths exam n got 40% n the Briss is like get out of my class you piece of dumb person and i was like with pleasure lady so im going to MR OBRIENS class which is SO cool because he watches home and away and so do i so we're sure to bond over the mutual love for a classic australian night time soap.

i am so excited.

anyway tonight i have to babysit kids in my netball team that i coach and i am so excited about never having to sit through another hanus hanus advanced maths lesson again that i will probably go on a rampage and stab them and eat all of their pre-packed school lunches.
these are the kind of kids that ask you if they can go to bed early, its so hilarious, but tonight, ohhh tonight things will be different, because usually the conversation goes like this:
Children: Please Jacki can we go to bed and leave you to eat all our pre-packed lunches and watch our dvd's.
Jacki: Of course my little angels
But tonight I am so excited about NO MATHS that the conversation will get out of hand and will go like this:
Children: Please Jack can we go to bed and leavr you to eat all our pre-packed lunches and watch our dvd's.
Jacki: YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS *stab stab* mwaaahahahahahahahhahaha *claps*

Thursday, May 18, 2006

marissa the gutter queen

ha still in dt now we're talking about how if marissa died mischa bartons career would go so downhill and she would spend all the money she made off the oc in like 2 weeks on soy crackers and bean coloured milk and she'd end up living in a gutter somewhere screaming at everyone who walked past that she used to be a big star and trying to sell clown figurines made out of scraps of her hair and old cardboard boxes.

people would pay big money to see that.
but not to her


OHMIGOSH im in dt and SOOO bored because im supposed to be doing some project brief thing but im really bad at typing things that r like gramatically correct so im like mah ill do it later.

even tho its due tomorro.

but really im so excited right now becoz beff is bloggin n shes like 2 computers away from me and i love it when beth blogs because its always about something relevant unlike whatever i blog about which is something random about how im annoyed because i have to walk all the way home this afternoon and i dont even have my ipod.

uh! that ipod is tight son.
OHMIGOSH lauren just came in, HI LAUREN! i love lauren we have economics together and its always a joyful event except for that i always fail.

now we're all talking about how Marissa shud die on the oc and that theres basically no other way for her to die apart from getting a terminal disease becoz every other cause of death has already been used on the oc, like someone drowned, had a heart attack, almost commited suicide, got hit by a car (theyve used that like three times), fell off a cliff and got shot.

so basically marissa should either get a disease which is so bad that they cant save her by cutting off all her hair or she can die in childbirth. or she can get attacked by a giant bear.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

i love branwell

branwell by name
bran very well by reputation

The Bronte Bums

I return. Still in english extension, since my last post I wrote about seven words.
we're supposed to be writing some crap about the bronte children, some boring bunch of boring tools who got born and some of them died randomly, then the others went on to write some random crap like Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights who you only read if your name is Jimmy and your reading to an old lady while eating stale chocolate cake in a blue suit that she gave you for christmas and then forgot about it
(lauren you know what im talking about baby)

anway im up the back with my computer faced the wrong way so miss everyhamm (or should i call her miss kwinaye or whatever) cant see what im doing.

anyway the only cool thing about the bronte family is that they must have been on drugs or something because me and beth figured out that the mother, whose name was maria, had two children called maria and elizabeth, and they had an aunt called elizabeth, who was marias sister, and she also had a child called maria, who had two children called maria and elizabeth.

i mean no one who is not on pot is stupid enough to name that many people in their family maria and elizabeth, apart from my own family, who has four tonys, five tobys, two helens, two johns, three oscars, three janes and two catherines, plus alot of other randoms.

lame eyre

sitting here in extention english wondering why i havent ripped up my copy of jane eyre yet because she is so annoying and should be condemned to a fate that is no higher than having to live the rest of her life in a deep dark hole with no food, water, electricity, family, communication, music, tv, media, entertainment, books, light, towels, people to talk to, writing tools, teachers, pets, clothes, shoes, hairties, bottles of shampoo or conditioner, bookmarks, tassles, curtains, shower shoes, shopping vouchers, credit cards, tv antennas or copies of Laguna Beach on dvd.

Friday, May 12, 2006

home and away - THE SHIZ!

home and away. is. my life
seriously all of the people in it are people i know.

alf - my dad.
irene - my mum.
cassie - julia.
ric - anyone im in love with.
rachel - julia.
tasha - issi.
martha - beth.
kim - pat.
lucas - sam.
jack - mike.
barry - jack.
colleen - catherine.
mattie - ellen.
sally - mrs hannah.

and so on...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

shower thoughts#7

like, imagine if our heads and our reproductive organs switched places.
so your face is between your legs, and hem....fanny? is on your neck.

how weird is that going to look? i mean, seriously, think about it. you'd have to wear special pants with a huge hole in the crotch. you know, you could wear ass-less chaps, they would work.
and like, do you still wear undies? theres nothing to put in the leg holes, because obviously you dont have legs coming off your neck now, do you?
but you have to cover up your privates somehow, so what, do you just wear a doorag, or what? would that look weird? and what if you wore a hat, and it was windy, and it blew off your neck? and like, you would have to go chase it, but how weird would that be? think about it. it would be like a naked man chasing a pair of undies down the street.
and like, how hard would it be to wash your hair? haha, i know what you dirty people are thinking, i meant the hair on your HEAD.
you know what would be even harder, having sex. does one of the people stand on their neck? what do your arms do? ohmigosh imagine driving. i cant even imagine it, it would be so weird.

or like, eating. you'd have to open your legs to eat. and put your neck in the bowl to go to the toilet.
seriously think about this for like 10 minutes. and be thankful that our heads are our heads, and our other parts are themselves too.
holy crap.
i just like looked up, and theres a window above the computer.

...was that always there? it looks pretty old. this is weird.
am i really that ignorant of my house that i didnt notice a window above the computer?
oh whatever.
you know what, year of love is totally down the toilet right now. you know what else, so is this blog.
these days, with these kids, its all "my space this" and "livejournal that", but dont worry blogger, i wont leave you.
well, i might leave you. i make lots of pacts that i dont seem to keep, like my pact to study, or do homework, or listen in class, or get fit. but ill never break my pact to not buy a Mathaid from mrs brisset. my pacts against her are always strong.

even if it does mean ill fail maths.

Monday, May 08, 2006

you know what i was just thinking?

the people they use to demonstrate a "bad hair day" on those garnier fructis shampoo ads have hair like my hair on a good day.
that is so annoying right now.
you know what else is totally annoying right now? like, exams. they are so annoying. im like shut up! like today during modern i was totally like, what is the point in me writing down all this stuff that mr watson already knows.
or he should already know it.
if he doesnt hes pretty silly. i would smack his bottom if he didnt.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

That Time I Met...Tutankhamun

Jacki: Holy crap folks at home, possibly the most famous person we have interviewed here on A Whole Lotta Crazy Crap on the walls yet.....TUTANKHAMUN!!
Tut: Hey there lassy, hows it going?
Jacki: Its good, its good.
Tut: One question for you lassy. Why me, lassy, why old Tutty? Why would you want to interview little old me.
Jacki: Well, I thought it was about time we interviewed a corpse. Seems interesting. I guess you could count Grudgy as a corpse, but then, it was never really...buried. Plus it was a real pain in my ass.
Tut: Ho, lassy, you made my day.
Jacki: Yeah, ok whatever. Shut up and answer my questions. So, your a pharaoh, right?
Tut: Oh I sure am, been since I was yay high to a grasshopper and a-ready for skipping in the fields.
Jacki: tell me, is miss mitchell crazy, or does the burial crap actually mean something?
Tut: Not sure if it does, my lassy. See I was a-dead long afore they put me in that old tomby, a-ho-ho-ho.
Jacki: Ok dude, enough. What...with...the accent??
Tut: Well, your the one writing this pointless interview, and you dont know what an Egyptian accent sounds like, so you made up this freaky, welsh slash scottish sounding one for me.
Jacki: Yeah, well at least I dont have some random bulbous skull, you woman.
Jacki: What about the man-boobs?
Tut: Those can't be helped.
Jacki: Whatever.


Shower Thoughts #6

Whats another word for theasaurus?
you know what i think?

i think our school was designed so that more people could witness my embarrasing moments.
take today for example.
i was innocently walking along the corridor to get my Othello which i accidentally-on-purpose left in my locker, when sarah suddenly starts running and then falls forward. luckily she saved herself by leaning against the side of the stairs which go down into r22.
Unfortunately for me, her legs were sticking out further into the hallway than I anticipated, so of course, i tripped over them and faceplanted straight into the floor right outside the top english classes room.
In any normal, caring, not-wishing-to-embarass-jacki-trew-beyond-all-reason school, only sarah and I would have witnessed the humiliation, but of course, since in our new building every wall, door, roof and window is made out of clear glass, the entire top english class also saw, much to their delight, and proceeded to laugh sarah and i, in all our clumsiness, out of the building.

i think its my shoes. how else would i fall over so many times in one schol day?

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Wtf Mate?

todays wtf mate comes from some random family in some random place, with some wacked out random dog
(picture below)

wtf mate 3/5/06 Posted by Picasa
OHMIGOSH miss shanahan i so DID NOT ignore you this morning.
you should know by now, when i talk, i talk so loudly that it is impossible for me or anyone else to hear anyone else, so if you want me to hear anything, you have to scream it into my ear and jump up and down in front of my face.
you know, maybe, i think, maybe you didnt even say hello to me. maybe you pretended you did so you could make me feel guilty about not saying hello to you, when, come on, how many times have i screamed out at you from across the playground and had you blatantly ignore me?

its ok. i forgive you.
of course

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

im so naming my son anus

"and i quote"

jackis infamous quotes of pure and simple idiocy

  • "Which Lleyton Hewitt? The one that plays tennis or the one that plays basketball?"
  • Kat: "My iceblock is kind of spikey" Jacki: "Maybe its the bones in it"
  • Al: "Jacki, you are so impatient" Jacki: "Actually, its umpatient. Impatient isnt a word"
  • "Am I famous for being a celebrity?"
  • (After being told to shut up in a movie) "Yeah people, lets get some quiet in here!"
  • "Whats the opposite of bald? Hairfull?"
  • Jack: "Hey check it out, that girl has a mustache!" Jacki: "Where?" Jack: "Where do you think a mustache would be, dumbass"
  • "Get the one with peppermint in it. Its healthier. Peppermints a fruit."
  • (After seeing a yellow sunset from inside a building) "Whats that big yellow billboard?"
  • (Pointing at a fountain) "How cool is that lake!"

more soon