Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Only New Moon Review Worth Reading

So, after my brilliant assessment of The Exorcist, I've decided that perhaps I should become a film critic. Here is my review of the newest film in The Twilight Saga, New Moon:

To set the tone, let me tell you that the first thing I remember when I think about this movie is Rob Pattinson's nipples - because they were really lopsided. And not in a good way. Is there a 'good' way for nipples to be lopsided? I don't know. Evidentally, neither does Rob Pattinson.
The second thing I remember is how the Cullen familys amber-coloured contacts made them all look like robots. So that's it. My evaluation. New Moon: If you like robots and irregular
nipples, you'll probably enjoy it.

No, I joke. In all fairness, it really was very good. And I'm not just saying that because I dream of creating and then getting married to some sort of Wentworth Miller/Edward Cullen hybrid. That's a large part of it, but there were other things I enjoyed. One thing I liked was how closely they stuck to the original book. How close? I hear you asking. Well, quite close. Closer than Harry Potter, that's for sure. Suck it, Potter! You just got schooled by a bunch of vampires, bitch!

Okay, back to the movie. I was honestly surprised at my reaction to the almost constant presence of Jacob Black. Don't get me wrong, I loath Jacob Black with the fire of a thousand suns and always will, but it's possible that I'm becoming more tolerant of him - I only vomited a little at the sight of his face. And in my mouth. And now, because I am what some people call efficient and others call lazy, I will sum up the rest of New Moon in dot-point form:

  • Rosalie/Nikki Reed wears a blonde wig that is lower on the 'real-looking' scale than Bert Newton's toupe
  • Jasper's expression when trying not to attack Bella is the funniest thing I have witnessed in about 4 years
  • Edward and Bella are the world's most awkward kissers

And on a more serious note:

  • Even if you have read the book, the ending will shock you
Anyway. After the movie I came home to find that my mother had dumped the entire contents of my school bag, all the fabric I left in the living room, and every single piece of sewing equipment I own in the middle of my unmade bed. And my cat was nestled comfortably on top. That was my "I just enjoyed 2 hours of Rob-Pattinson-infused-bliss, and now it's time for something to remind me that I have just over 14 days to complete my final assessment and am completely fucked" moment.
I loved it.

No comments: