Wednesday, February 27, 2008

sisters? or friends?

scene: its saturday morning. im sitting, innocently eating pancakes and innocently watching a few well-earned hours of Friends, when suddenly, it dawns on me...

jacki: Oh my gosh!!
mum: What?
jacki: OH. my gosh
mum: What???
jacki: I have to call catherine!! (calls catherine)
catherine: Hello?
jacki: Catherine! I just realised something. You and me? You and me? We're Chandler and Joey. Chandler and Joey. We're Chandler and Joey Catherine!!
catherine: Ok. Um. What?
jacki: You know. Chandler and Joey. From Friends. They're us! We're them! WE ARE EACH OTHER!!!
catherine: (sighs) What are you talking about?
jacki: Ok. Listen. Listen. CHandler. CAtherine. Joey. Jacki.
catherine: Right
jacki: I KNOW!! dont you think? Ok and remember that time that it was Christmas, and Chandler and Joey had no money so they bought everyone those crappy gifts? Like they got Rachel wiper-blades and Phoebe toilet seat covers?
catherine: (sounding bored) yeah?
jacki: (practically shrieking with excitement by this point) WELL DONT YOU THINK THATS TOTALLY SOMETHING WE WOULD DO???!!!
catherine: (pauses) do realise Chandler and Joey arent real people right?
jacki: (stunned) why are you ruining this for me?
catherine: look, i have to go, im with my friends and...well, this is weird
jacki: you know im right! you know im right!!!
catherine: bye (hangs up)

she knows im right.

Monday, February 25, 2008

poor Cate Blanchett.

and i mean, who are the academy award judges anyway?
and how come they get to choose the best movies and actors?
and how come they never choose the movies i like, like Dirty Dancing and Cloverfield and Garage Days?

whatever. that chick who was in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe won something, and she kind of looks like Cate Blanchett, so dont feel so bad Cate, you kind of won half an award.

more adventures of jacki the babysitter

so im at work again, and while i could be using my time to complete various helpful tasks such as sweeping the floor, dusting the shelves, checking product deliveries etc etc, ive decided once again to channel my energy into being the worlds worst employee, and im blogging.

which im sure you all appreciate.
so im babysitting for this family on saturday night. and this is new for me. and for them, since ive never babysat for these people before, but let me tell you, if i get my own way, i sure as hell will be babysitting for them again.
let me explain.
the first thing i noticed when i walked into the living room was the presence of not one, not two, but three 90 inch plasma tvs.
three plasma tvs.
in the same room.
ok, ok, i lied. there were only two in the same room. the third was just outside the glass doors leading into the backyard.
it was hanging above the BBQ.
they called it their 'cooking' tv.
their cooking tv.
and let me tell you, the night was full of suprises - the next of which being my discovery that each of the kids (oldest one was 6) had their own double bed, ensuite and plasma tv in each of their rooms.
and there was a pool.
and a trampoline.
and a pet robot dinosaur which i wasnt even going to pretend i was too cool for, and ended up playing with for most of the night.
oh! oh! did i mention the chocolate, diet coke and milky bar icecreams i also found?

Friday, February 22, 2008

so apparently ryan reynolds has been cast in the x-men 'wolverine' movie.
hugh jackman and ryan reynolds in the same movie?
if only wentworth had a cameo appearance it would be cinematic perfection

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

my eventful week

first of all, i apologise for not blogging for so long
second of all, i apologise for being so arrogant to think that people actually read these rantings.

but yes, its been a while since my last post (or rather, since the last time i was so jacked up on caffiene that i had the energy to stay awake until 6 in the morning and do nothing but blog), but since its 2.52 in the afternoon and im killing time until Gilmore Girls comes on and i can watch it and then run off to babysitting (oh, joy), this seems as good a time as any.

AMAZING DISCOVERY OF THE WEEK#1: Eric Bana's wife is on the TV commercial for the Academy Awards! Thats right people! Its just another stepping stone to my eventual global domination, having someone i personally know being on an ad.
an AD. on TV!!

AMAZING DISCOVERY OF THE WEEK#2: My bosses cat(s) loath me. WHY? i have no idea. I've never been anything but sugar and sweetness to not only them, but the entire feline population of the earth, with the exception of Jess's cat Bubbles which i sometimes make fun of, only on account of the fact that it thinks its a dog.
what? Its hilarious!!
anyway, back to these particular cats and why they hate me. let me set the scene. well first of all you might be wondering why i have even come into contact with my bosses cat. its not that weird, its just that i babysit her kids on occasion.
anyway. its friday night. its ten past nine (but if my boss asks its actually eight thirty because ive only just got the kids into bed, although really what does she expect after giving them icecream and letting them watch 3 hours of Star Wars and Spongebob Squarepants), and im sitting on the couch, innocently eating snow mints and innocently reading one of those trash novels that i love oh so very very much, when suddenly the cat sitting on the couch next to me starts having what i can only describe as a combination between a stroke, a heart attack and an asthma attack at the same time.
after i got over my initial reaction (which was to collapse into giggles because come on, the noise this cat was making was so funny i cant even describe it to you), i decided to help the poor animal by first pushing it (gently, gently) off the couch, and then trying to pick it up to put it outside.
well, i can tell you, it didnt like this. neither did its brother/sister/whatever-i-cant-tell-what-gender-it-is-on-account-of-all-the-fur-slash-fat, evidentally, since then both launched themselves at me, claws out and limbs flailing.
in conclusion, i hope you guys had good friday nights, because while you were out, at the movies, having dinner, watching tv, enjoying time alone with that special someone, whatever, i was being chased around a living room by two over-stimulated cats who live only to rip my face off.
and, what joy, looks like im heading back for more, since im babysitting for them once again tonight.
other than that i guess my week was actually pretty uneventual, apart from this one night where i had a totally legendary dream where Gemma and I met Emily Deschanel from Bones.

well i hope you enjoyed this rather lengthy post, and if you didnt, well, you should at least pretend you did since it could be my last (i already escaped death by cat-attack once, who knows if ill be able to do it again tonight?)

Thursday, February 07, 2008

alright. im bad. very very bad.

i did the coke thing.


so, on account of the fact that i cant be bothered to fight constant-awakeness, you should all get ready for a whole heap of blogging that doesnt make sense, as i bring you... Throws An All-Nighter

(updated whenever I feel that things are getting too quiet)

1.07am: Awake. So awake. Let me try to explain. So awake I'm considering going down to the backyard and jumping into the pool to cure the boredom.

Facebook is down for the night. Just another reason to hate facebook I suppose.

1.12am: Hmm. You dont say. Search of Google has revealed my upper-ear piercing can also be referred to as a 'Helix' piercing. Back off man, I have a helix piercing. Yeah, you want a piece of me? Thats right. Helix piercing. Geez I didnt realise this piercing came with so much territory. Julia and I have probably been initiated into some biker club without even knowing it!

2.24am: Christmas Eve day. I mean, think about it. Really. Its both and eve and a day. Its a Christmas miracle!!!

2.35am: David Boreanaz is MARRIED?! Well there goes my hopes and dreams of him and Emily Deschanel ever hooking up in real life! I mean, come on. You cant make that kind of stuff up!! I'm crushed. Ever so crushed. P.S, Gemma this is for you:

dude. DUDE. i know. I KNOW! and i dont care that nobody else will ever appreciate that picture.

3.14am: IMDB is the coolest, can I just say. THE COOLEST.

3.15am: I sometimes wonder what I would look like without hair. And you know what else? I dont feel guilty about downloading the Enrique Iglesias song anymore. Because guess what? I like it!! Yeah, thats right! Its an alright song! And why is everyone so mean to Enrique anyway? He's probably a cool guy. Probably? He's DEFINITELY a cool guy. Especially if he watches Bones. and Prison Break. and Gossip Girl. But the point is, you guys should give Enrique a break. I mean, nobody questioned those girls on Next Top Model when they fawned over him and got all excited about being in his video clip. So if its ok for them to love him its ok for me to like his music. Which isnt even that bad! I mean, if you really think about it - oh who am I kidding, I listen to terrible music.

3.49am: There are 18 pictures of Wentworth in my room. No no, 19 pictures.

4.01am: I wonder if Catherine is still awake...
Ok, a thorough investigation reveals that she isnt. And also that my cat is sleeping on her face. ha! I guess one advantage of throwing an all nighter is that I have one less night where my cat is sucking my life out through my face while I'm asleep.

4.30am: You know what?? If everything was right with the world...

  • The writers strike would end
  • Red Bull wouldnt be so expensive
  • Emily and David would hook up already
  • Nobody would find it weird that I referred to them as 'Emily' and 'David'
  • Everyone would enjoy Michael Jackson and George Michael as much as I do

Hey. Hey. Whatever happened to Guy Sebastian? Huh?

5.01am: Is that the sun?

5.02am: From the person who brought you 'the contents of a schoolbag that has gone uncleaned for several months', i give you...
the contents of my handbag, which has gone uncleaned for several months:

  • 3 lollipops (2 of which i have since consumed)
  • 1 iPod
  • 1 pair of broken iPod headphones
  • 1 pair of functioning iPod headphones
  • about half a cup of sand
  • 2 nailpolishes
  • 1 makeup brush
  • 1 eyeliner
  • 1 bikini top (what??)
  • 1 copy of 'Persuasion'
  • 18 million receipts
  • 1 hoop earring
  • 2 pegs
  • keys
  • 16 multicoloured plastic gems
  • $2.35 (score!!)
  • 1 wallet
  • 1 pair of black thongs
  • 2 shells
  • iPod speakers
  • 4 buttons
  • 1 pen


  • one huge ball of blutack (which most of this other stuff was fused to. ew)

5.54am: nothing frustrates me more than the fact that i am one of only two people that watches Bones, so when I rant about it, Gemma is the only one who understands me, and she probably doesnt even understand me on account of the fact that I am ranting, and therefore dont make sense to anybody, even the people who might potentially understand me since they at least know what the thing I'm ranting about is.

5.55am: i cant believe Kevin left the backstreet boys. really, i cant believe it.
how COULD he? i mean. he's supposed to be my male-member-of-a-boy-band-slightly-too-tall-for-his-own-good-incredibly-deep-voiced-and-bushy-eyebrowed alter ego.
but now. NOW. well. if i ever saw Kevin in the street, i would smack his bottom.

6.10am: Ok i think the effects of the coke have officially worn off. finally! time for sleep! sweet, wonderous, i-can-never-get-enough-of-it sleep, in my beautiful egyptian-cotton-clad double bed. how ive missed you!
sweet dreams faithful readers.

6.11am: Ok, you've GOT to be kidding.
a car alarm just went off.
my window. saves Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

Ok. And I didnt say anything for a while, because you know, its important to show some self-control, but seriously, this writers strike thing?
Um, yeah.
Alright. Maybe that was a bit dramatic. Yes, I admit, probably the only people who care are me and Casey. But still, two viewers is more than none.
Its not that I dont feel for the writers, whatever their plight may be. But you have to realise what effect having nothing to watch on TV is having on me.
Do you know what I watched the other day? Do you?
Yeah. I never thought I'd sink that low. Well I did! BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE ON!! Thankfully I've pulled myself together a little since then, and you can rest assured I wont be watching any more Bridezillas, no matter how bad the situation gets.
Ok. I lied. I'll admit it.
I watch Bridezillas every day. I think its awesome, I love it. The combination of PMS, an endless supply of disfunctional couples, and those relatives who decide they really cant give a damn and drop the cake in the middle of the church aisle is just sensational.
But enough.
I cant survive on Bridezillas alone!
Something needs to be done. And quickly. Before my brain explodes from attempting to come up with another solution to the whole Dr-Tancredi's-decapitated-head-was-in-a-box-and-we-all-saw-it-but-she-cant-be-dead-because-if-she-is-dead-then-i-will-die-on-account-of-the-fact-that-one-of-my-most-cherished-past-times-is-watching-Prison-Break-and-using-my-imaginaton-to-superimpose-my-head-over-Dr-Tancredi's-everytime-she-and-Wentworth-Miller-have-a-kissing-scene thing.
So please.
do it for me
and Casey
and Gemma, since I know she loves Bones as much as I do.

Jacki Trew

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

im having a rather guilty moment.
ok, i confess:
i just downloaded the new enrique iglesias song.
thats 2 crimes: 1) illegal downloading, and 2) enrique iglesias.

so sue me! it was on next top model

sex and the city

ok so i was just watching sex and the city and it occured to me.

why do i even like this show? i mean, seriously. and its not just because the overall concept is pretty, you know, morally disturbing. i also realised that i dont even like any of the main characters that much.
you know when you're watching a show or a movie, you pick out, if you had to be one of the characters, which one you'd be?
and dont deny it because everyone does it.
well i was thinking about it, and i couldnt choose. they really all repulse me in some way or another.
charlotte is too much of a mothery type, carrie looks like a horse, miranda's hair irritates me beyond all reason and samantha, well lets face it, shes a complete nymphomaniac.
and dont get me started on Mr. Big. because i can start myself thanks very much!!
first of all, Mr BIG? you really couldnt think of anything more obvious?
also hes, what, 70? 75? i know it was the 90's, but there were still hot people out there you know!! whats with the hair? oh im being completely horrible of course, i suppose its because pretty much every tv show i watch now is uber-crappy thanks to my recent addiction to Gossip Girl.
except Prison Break of course
i love you wentworth

Monday, February 04, 2008

so here i am, sitting at work, and its 4.28pm and the last time a customer came in here was almost 45 minutes ago and i dont finish for another hour and a half and theres nothing to do but sit and look out the windows at the school kids walking home from school, and laughing at them with pity (because, you know, theyre at school) until i realise that its 4.28pm and the last time a customer came in here was almost 45 minutes ago and i dont finish for another hour and a half.

which sucks.
and in addition to that, ive been sick for like the last 6 days.
and in addition to THAT, the sound on this computer is like permanently muted or something (probably on account of the computer having no speakers), so when i tried to watch an episode of prison break just now, i couldnt hear anything they were saying.
*screams silently*
oh! oh! a customer!
wow, i really should get up and ask them if they need any help browsing.
but i wont, instead im going to sit here behind the counter and type out a recount of everything they are doing because i am so so so bored.
ok. shes looking at the bath gels. now moving onto the perfume diffusers. now shes turning to look at me curiously because my frantic typing is kind of loud. ok we made eye-contact. nobody says anything. and yes, its awkward.
dammit she left. and without buying anything. RUDE!
although probably not as rude as a shop assistant who types out every move of the customer rather than helping them.
well whatever! its been a long day. AND my crankiness just increased since i realise i have no ride home, so when i finally get out of here (which knowing my luck will be somewhere around midnight), im going to have to walk home.
in the RAIN.
whatever. and now onto a hilarious description of Yolanda, this girl who works at the sandwich shop next to ours. one time she came in, sat down in the waiting-room-area (the shop is also a beautician) and started eating her lunch.
just, you know, just randomly.
then she spilled her drink all over the floor, and after i had helped her finish wiping it up, she asked me if she could keep the paper towel.
the paper towel.
that i used to wipe her spilt drink OFF THE FLOOR.
yeah. i know.
oh hang on, phone call.

ok and back. and that reminds me, this morning, amongst serving customers and booking appointments, my main duty was to fix the fax machine.
easy enough right? no. not easy enough, since nobody told me what was WRONG with the fax machine in the first place.
anyway after reading pretty much the entire instruction manual, i was pretty sure i had it down, except then it started ringing like a phone.
and on the screen it said 'pick up the phone'.
so im looking all over this stupid fax machine and i cant find any part of it that looks remotely like a phone, so i just pick up the store phone.
of course nothing happens, and the fax machine keeps ringing and the customers are looking at me like 'what kind of a retard doesnt know how to use a fax machine' and i feel like asking one of them for help except that my boss probably wouldnt approve.
eventually i solved the problem by kicking the fax machine until it turned off.
more customers.
must be off!