Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Welcome Home Gemmy!!

So, Gemma got home from America today.
Hooray! Huzzah! H...appy days!
I don't think I've ever been more excited, except for maybe the time Julia and I saw Beyonce, or when they came out with a new flavour of Mother.
But, yeah, great day. Even despite the fact that I was crudely awakened by the sound of my alarm clock this morning, and had to drag myself out of bed and into Elle's car and drive (well, get driven) to the airport, all before 6:30am (6:30 am. Like, my usual bedtime). It was worth it, just to see Gemma's sweet mug for the first time in 3 and a half months. Oh, and also because the whole process of getting to the airport/finding the right terminal/waiting for Gemma might just have been the funniest experience of my life:

(Entering the airport)
Ellen: So does anyone know which terminal she's arriving in?
Em and Jacki: Nope
Ellen: Her flight number?
Em and Jacki: Nope
Ellen: Okay how about where she's flying in from?
Em: Oh! Oh! I know! America!
Jacki: Yeah but where in America? I mean, it's a pretty big place, right?

Haha. Right? We sound so smart. Oh, and like really great friends, too:

(Sitting in the terminal)
Ellen: How long has it been?
Em: Like...
Jacki: 20 minutes?
Em: Longer than that!
Jacki: Really?
Ellen: I could have slept in!
Em: And I need to pee!
Jacki: If she's not here in 20 minutes, we're just taking a random home.

Don't worry, we didn't actually kidnap any randoms from the airport - we came pretty close, but Gem turned up just in time to stop us. Anyway, then we drove home and cooked bacon and eggs, watched Buffy while wearing Hooters t-shirts, debated the pros and cons of sleeping naked, marvelled over the fact that we were:
a) Awake before 10 in the morning
b) Eating a proper cooked breakfast
c) Actually dressed while doing so
Huh?? Huh?? That's like the trifecta!! I don't think I've ever hit that before!! I felt so grown up for a moment. Then somebody made a joke about chocolate vaginas, and I turned back into a teenager. Oh well.

So all in all, it was shaping up to be a pretty kick-ass day...until I got home and developed the worst head-ache known to man, which I'm not going to talk about because I don't want to poison this otherwise delightful post - except to say that it feels like a thousand miniature elephants are living inside my skull, and they're all taking a dump at the same time.
Oh, yeah. Ouch.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

For those of you not lame enough to be reading Perez Hilton on a Sunday morning, has just released their list of the "Worst 100 Movies Of The Last Decade". I'd love to type them all out for you to read, I really would, but I'm afraid it might damage my reputation as Laziest Person On Earth. So you're just getting the top 10:
10. Witless Protection (2008)
9. Redline (2007)
8. 3 Strikes (2000)
7. Strange Wilderness (2008)
6. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
5. National Lampoon's Gold Diggers (2004)
4. King's Ransom (2005)
3. Pinnochio (2002)
2. One Missed Call (2008)
1. Ballistic: Eks VS Sever (2002)

Huh. Okay. I think a more accurate title would have been "Most Obscure 100 Movies Of The Last Decade". Or maybe "Worst 100 Movies Of The Last Decade, Out Of All The Movies That Nobody Has Ever Seen Or Heard Of". Seriously. Has anyone seen any of these? Or even heard about them? Because I sure haven't, and let me tell you, I'm no stranger to shitty movies. I've seen ALL the Bring It On sequels, AND Deck Dogz - twice. Hell, I actually OWN Wrong Turn on DVD.
Still, this list totally disappoints. And not just because they made fun of The Celestine Prophecy starring Sarah Wayne Callies, who I love since she played the role of drug-addicted-doctor-possessing-the-ability-to-come-back-from-the-dead-slash-Wentworth-Miller's-love-interest on Prison Break (did you really think I could get through an entire post without mentioning Wentworth? Did you? Did you?). So, in turn, I decided to make my own list, which I like to call:

BEST 10 Movies Of The Last Decade, Out Of All The Movies That Nobody Has Ever Seen Or Heard Of
(Yeah. BEST. Because unlike the people at Rotten Tomatoes, I'm a glass-half-full kind of girl)
10. Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)
I'm not sure if this movie is supposed to be dramatic or a satire, but Kirsten Dunst tapdancing down a highway will entertain me any day of the week.
9. Boogeyman (2005)
This movie is crazy-stupid. Plus I think 'boogeyman' is actually a spelling error. But it stars Emily Deschanel and the older brother from 7th Heaven, and I just can't resist.
8. One Night The Moon (2001)
Try to not be entertained by this movie. Just try. Can I get an 'amen', Roseville College class of 2007?
7. I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)
Ah yes, the little known sequel to the sequel (to the sequel?), starring none of the original actors and following none of the original plotlines; that ALWAYS spells good movie.
6. Empire Records (1995)
Okay I know 1995 is technically outside the realms of 'last decade', but who can resist a young Liv Tyler, or Robin Tunney with a shaved head?
5. Black Sheep (2006)
Ill-educated farm-hands with Kiwi accents getting attacked by rabid animals and turning against each other to see who can rape the most sheep before they all die a horrible, horrible death? Classic!!
4. He Died With A Felafel In His Hand (2001)
Okay, confession: I've never actually seen this movie. But with a title like that, you just KNOW it's gonna be good.
3. Teeth (2007)
Oh my gosh. A girl born with a full set of fanny-fangs, who turns her life of celibacy around in order to become a rapist-killer? This is female-empowerment at it's best.
2. Wrong Turn (2003)
Hot guys, sexual references, amazing scenery, three-fingered inbred mutants...What's not to like?
1. The Human Stain (2003)
I could talk about this movie for days, but in order to save time, I'm going to sum it up for you in two words: Shirtless. Wentworth.

Happy viewing!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Since we haven't bothered to do it yet, let's talk about the crazy weather this week.
Oh and yeah. When I say 'talk about the crazy weather this week', what I really mean is 'listen to me rant about Wednesday morning's insane orange dust storm/fog storm/dust fog/WHATEVER THE HELL THAT WAS for, like, 3 paragraphs'. Ready?
So alright. Did anyone else wake up at 5:30 in the morning, peer out the window and react like this:

Haha. Okay, obviously I'm kidding; I didn't really scream. Also I'm not a chimp. At least, physically I'm not. Mentally? Well...that's another story. Anyway, not the point. The point is, while I may not have morphed into a primate and shrieked the house down, my reaction was still pretty intense. Well, intense might be a bit strong - it was dramatic. Well, dramatic might be a bit strong - it was...okay you know what? I'll let you decide for yourselves.

Jacki Trew's Thought Process Upon Waking On Wednesday Morning:
"Huh. I guess the sky's orange today."
"Holy crap! The sky's orange today!"
"It's probably a fire or something."
"Or maybe I really am crazy."
"Or maybe the world is ending."
"Holy crap! The world is ending!"
"Eh. I had a good run."

Ha. Wow. I kind of totally sound like an idiot. On the other hand, though, it's really quite impressive that my mind was able to conjure so many words at such an early hour. I mean, 5:30? In the morning? As a rule, I generally don't do ANY thinking at 5:30 in the morning. And if I do, it's not about the end of the world. It's about this:

Oh, my. Alright, signing off. I've got some "thinking" to do.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Welcome home, Chate. Here's what you missed:

If you didn't already know, my sister ran off to Bali or Singapore or Hong Kong or, well, some country with at least one coastline a couple of weeks ago, once again leaving me completely alone with our parents and no buffer. But that's not important. The important thing is that she'll finally be home in a couple of hours, and it's up to me, her worldly, educated, eloquent and insightful younger sister, to fill her in on what's been happening in her absence.
Oh yeah, baby.
And yes, I could have, probably should have done this in private, but I decided to publish it in a public forum because last time I did a 'Welcome home, Chate. Here's what you missed', her response was this:

Catherine: That was the most disturbing thing I have ever read.

I don't know about you guys, but when regular people say 'disturbing', I hear 'hilarious'. And hilarity is meant to be shared. So here goes. Welcome home, Chate. Here's what you missed:

Okay first of all don't ask me for Home and Away updates, because I've hardly watched it since you left. What? Huh? Haven't watched it since you left?! It sounds insane, I know, and it is, but so am I, and other than that, I don't have an explanation. All I can give you is that Miles finally found out about Nicole and Sid, flipped his lid and pushed Sid into a pool, there's a new kid called Romeo in town, and that rapist dude who supposedly fathered Ruby got stabbed to death. Gasp! Whodunnit? I can honestly say I don't care.
In other TV/celebrity news, Anthony won Project Runway, Kanye West totally lost his shit at the VMA's, I discovered an awesome horror/comedy called The Signal, Lady Gaga bled to death on stage, Crazy-Eyes-Casey was eliminated from Idol, Kevin Rudd dropped the f-bomb in parliament, I almost completely finished the TV-Guide crossword TWICE, and America's Next Top Model was so boring I fell asleep during panel.
Some dude from Harris came to give all our computers a once-over and in what has to be the most baffling discovery ever, found that MINE was actually the least totally-f'ed-by-viruses-slash-illegally-downloaded-music. Guess who's was the worst? I'll give you a clue: her name starts with C, and ends with E. Oh, and you see her face every morning when you look in the mirror.
Can you guess? Can you guess? Never mind, I'll just say: It's you.
Once the internet was restored, Mum got onto my blog, read it, laughed and then lectured me for 10 minutes on how un-lady-like it is to invite those who don't agree with my opinion on red-heads to "suck my dick". Well, whatever.
Hmm, what else? I finally bought clear nailpolish that isn't equal in consistency to maple syrup. Yay for me! Julia and I saw Beyonce live. Yayer for me!
Someone switched Dad's phone to predictive text and he completely freaked out and got all flustered everytime he tried to message someone: "Why can't I type 'cheque'? No, I typed all the letters and it just came out as a huge jumble. How do I fix this stupid thing? CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME?!"
Hahaha. That was awesome.
We lost netball but it was a good game - I didn't trip over anyone, or even myself, not once. We had a picnic at college. I saw a guy that looked like Voldemort on the bus. Vandy went out to dinner for Casey and Lauren's birthday. I bought a new shirt. One day it was so hot, I actually went for a swim in the pool; it was kind of freezing and short-lived once I remembered how afraid I am of pool-sharks, but nice all the same. Rove turned 10, I spent an awkward coffee break trying to explain the actual meaning of the word 'douche' to half my class on friday and, oh yeah, I'M READY TO DIE BECAUSE WE GOT PRISON BREAK SEASON 4 ON DVD!!!
And on that note, I'll have to stop. I can't even write the words 'Prison', 'Break', or 'DVD' without being overcome with the need to hit play and stare into Wentworth's eyes for a solid 40 minutes and 32 seconds - if you want to know more, you're just going to have to ask me.

Shower Thoughts #32

How old is Hugh Hefner?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

WARNING: The following post is offensive/not suitable for old people

So, you know how I am totally age-ist? Like, I don't exactly have the best relationship with old people?
Well it turns out they don't like me so much either!
I was getting on the bus yesterday afternoon with Charlotte and Lucinda, and we sat down in the four-seater with an old lady. For those of you that don't catch buses and therefore have no idea what a four-seater is, here's a diagram:

As in, we are facing each other.
Anyway, as soon as the three of us sat down, the Old Bag make this huge show of being annoyed, rolling her eyes and staring out the window and making this weird 'UGGHH' noise.
Um...What?! Come on lady, it's a bus - if you don't wanna sit next to someone, then don't sit down! I didn't even touch her, nor did any of the ten thousand bags I cart to and from college every friday, and still she makes this massive deal out of having to share the four-seater with us.
Bitch, please - if anyone should be upset, it should be me, about having to sit next to you.
Haha alright, that was a bit mean. But she started it!

Huh. Here's a thought I just had: In like 80 years or whatever, when I'm an old person, am I going to pay myself out or mentally punch myself in the face every time I walk past a mirror?
Because that would be hilarious.

Jacki VS Teacher: Awkward Moment #2

Tom: (Jokingly) Celyna got stabbed!
Jacki: (Turning in surprise) What?!
Celyna: No, I just pricked myself with a pin

(5 minutes later)

Tom: Hey Celyna, is it possible to get expelled from FBI?
Celyna: I don't think so. You'd have to do something pretty bad
Jacki: What if I stabbed you for real? Like, for real
Celyna: I...I think you'd be in a bit more trouble than just getting expelled
Jacki: Oh, okay. I'll try to hold back then
(Tom laughs. Celyna looks totally freaked out. Gold)

I definitely wasn't ready for that jelly

Prepare yourselves for the blog of the century people, because this one's about yesterday and last night and the fact that JULIA AND I WERE IN THE SAME ROOM AS BEYONCE FOR, LIKE, 4 HOURS!
Ohhhh my gosh.
Alright give me a moment, I don't think I'm over it yet.
Okay, moments over.
Seriously though, I can't think of one bad thing about last night. It was awesome, epic, amazing, fabulous, disco fabulous, right from the very beginning. The very beginning. Mainly because the very beginning involved a conversation with my Dad that went something like this:

Dad: Are you going out?
Jacki: Yep
Dad: Where you going?
Jacki: Beyonce
Dad: (Pause) Beyonce?!
Jacki: ...Yeah
Dad: You're going to see Beyonce??
Jacki: ...Yeah
Dad: You're going to see Beyonce...Live??
Jacki: I surely am
Dad: Oh! I knew you were going but I didn't know it was tonight. Oh how fabulous! I'm so jealous!

...Huh. I'm not really sure what to think about that. Nor what I'm more disturbed about: Dad's casual use of the word 'fabulous', or the fact that he may have been more excited about Beyonce than I was - and make no mistake, I was pretty flippin' excited.

A quick drive and two train rides later Julia and I arrived at Olympic Park, and entered the arena to the sound of what? Who? Oh, only Jessica Mauboy.
Oh yeah - Jessica Mauboy.
Sweet niblets! Who even knew she was coming? I surely didn't! And judging by Julia's reaction, neither did she:

Ha. Julia loves Jessica Mauboy. Can you tell? I'm no die-hard fan, but let me tell you, the girl can sing. And rock a pair of thigh-high boots like nobody's business.
It was during JM's performance that we noticed a guy several rows in front of us, who will hereforth be referred to as 'Crazy Dancing Guy'. I don't think I need to explain what he was doing - the name does it for me. But yeah, he was rocking out. Maybe harder than I've ever seen anyone rock out. Ha.
Okay so the next supporting act was Flo Rida. Here is my favourite moment from that performance:

(Guy comes on stage and everyone cheers)
"Flo Rida": What's up Sydneeeeyyyy?
Sydney: Woooooo!
"Flo Rida": Sydney I wanna get excited and I need you to help me out, so can you do that? When I say 'Flo', you say 'Rida'. FLO!
Sydney: RIDA!
"Flo Rida": FLO!
Sydney: RIDA!
"Flo Rida": When I say 'Rida', you say 'Flo'. RIDA!
Sydney: FLO!
"Flo Rida": RIDA!
Sydney: FLO!
"Flo Rida": Alright now Sydney, give it up, for FLO RIDAAAAAAA!
(Julia and I turn to each other with confused looks on our faces and I kid you not, at the same time both said:)
Jacki: Oh! I thought that guy -
Julia: Isn't he Flo Rida?
Man We Thought Was "Flo Rida" But Actually Turned Out To Just Be Some Random: Here he is, Sydney. FLO RIDAAAAAA!

(The real Flo Rida comes out on stage and the whole crowd goes wild - except for Julia and I because we're still laughing at each other.)
Jacki: (Between hysterics) This is so going on my blog!

Aha. That might have been the best moment of my life.
Oh, until an hour or so later, when Beyonce came on stage. I'm not going to describe the whole concert in a play-by-play fashion because honestly, my sub-standard writing just won't do it justice. But I will give you my favourite moments:
  • The dedication to Michael Jackson
  • Julia and I talking about how hot the Lenny-Kravitz-looking guitar player was for like 10 minutes, and then realising it was a woman
  • Beyonce's legs

And I'm going to stop there, because if I don't, this post will never end. Basically though? Beyonce is the female Wentworth. And that's all I have to say about that.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

81 hours of Wentworth


I got it! I got it! I got it!

Ohh my gosh. I officially own every episode of Prison Break ever made. Plus all the deleted scenes and audio commentaries and special featurettes AND the speical movie-length episode they made to conclude the entire series.
Has anyone anywhere ever been this happy? I don't think so. Well, Edward Cullen on his wedding day maybe. But apart from that, no! Seriously, just throw me in my coffin now with these DVDs and I'll die a happy woman. And yeah, I realise that apart from Chate and Milky Nips, I'm pretty much the only person that watches/cares about Prison Break, but I'm so freaking beatific that I just don't give a shit.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Phillip Trew: King of Tangents

Oh, my gosh, my Dad is insane.
I can't talk to him! I really can't! It makes me crazy! See, because it's actually impossible to have a normal conversation with Phillip Trew. You can't ask him a single question without sending him on some rambling 10-minute tangent that has nothing to do with anything. Like this afternoon for instance:

Jacki: If you worked at a circus, would you rather be a lion tamer or a trapeze artist?

Okay, lets pause for a second, because I know that sounds like a really random thing to ask. But I have this weird fixation with playing 'Would you rather...?', especially with my parents because they get really freaked out by some of the questions I come up with, and it's hilarious. Anyway, back to the conversation...

Jacki: If you worked at a circus, would you rather be a lion tamer or a trapeze artist?
Mum: Lion tamer
Dad: Do circuses even exist anymore?
Jacki: Sure, there's Cirque du Soleil
Dad: But do they have lion tamers?
Jacki: You know, probably not. Nobody wants to pay money to see some guy getting mauled by a lion - if you want to see that, just turn on the TV.
Dad: Yeah, I saw that on TV the other day!
Jacki: What, a guy getting mauled by a lion?
Dad: Yes!
Jacki: (Baffled) What were you watching?
Dad: Well it was when we were in Perth, you know. The first place we stayed at had a nice TV, and it had...what channels did it have? Win, GWin, Channel 10 and ABC. The next place we stayed, in a town called Pemberton, it had those channels and the Foxtel sports channels too. Then we went to a place called...

See, that's when I tuned out. I kind of just stared into space for the next 15 minutes (15 minutes - who talks about hotel TV services for 15 minutes??!!) while Dad rambled on and on and on about who knows what, then came back to this:

Dad: And the last place we stayed at was a 5 star resort, but I wouldn't have given it 5 stars. The only thing in the room beside the bed was a chair. And the TV was so old! Usually in 5 star resorts they have a plasma or a flat-screen, but not this place, no...

Off he went again. Oh my gosh. Luckily, he didn't seem to realise that I had completely checked out. To be honest, I probably could have left the room and it wouldn't have stopped him. In situations like these, there's only one way to shut my Dad up; you have to shock him into silence, then run away as fast as you can, before he starts up again:

Dad: because there was only one chair in the room, and your mother took it, I had nowhere to sit, so I had to -
Jacki: Hey Dad, would you rather eat the cat or the dog? And imagine if you don't eat at least one of them, Mum and I will both die.
Dad: (Pause) What?!

Jacki: Gotta go! (Runs off)

Oh yeah. Works every time.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Okay, I've kept my mouth shut about this for a while, but try as I might, I can't restrain myself any longer.

I need to vent about my issues with 5 Chewing Gum.

First of all, what's with the flavours? Cobalt? Electro? Flare?
What is this insanity? Are those names actually supposed to be appealing? Because they're not! Here's what I think when I hear them:
Electro - It's like chewing on a live extension cord!
Flare -
It's like eating embers straight out of the BBQ!
Cobalt - It's a colour, not a flavour!

Also, lets talk about the commercial. I don't know about anyone else, but it gave me the clear impression that chewing 5 Gum would feel like riding the worlds most insane rollercoaster. Yeah, that's what I got. So as you can imagine, I was pretty flippin' excited.
And pretty flippin' disappointed. Chewing 5 Gum isn't like riding the worlds most insane rollercoaster. It's not like riding any kind of rollercoaster. You want to know what it's like?
It's like chewing gum.
That tastes faintly of extension cords.
No, I'm only kidding. It actually just tastes like regular peppermint. But the thing about it not feeling like riding a rollercoaster is completely true. It's no more exciting than regular chewing gum. In fact, it may be less exciting than regular gum.

Anyway, that's it. Don't buy 5 Chewing Gum! You've all been warned.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Alex Kerr: A Dedication

Continuing once again in my tradition of dedicating posts to seemingly random people on their birthdays, here is a post dedicated to Alex Kerr. In honour of her birthday.

Alex. Alex Kerr. Alex Anne Kerr.
Alex Anne Kerr, or as I refer to her, Alex Alex, is quite a cool person. Of course, when I say 'quite a cool person', what I really mean is 'legendary, absolutely legendary, so much so that I often wish my own sister would swap places with her'.
But, you know. I don't want to appear too obsessed.
Right. Here's the deal: Alex Alex became friends with my sister (Catherine, who you guys know, you've been there) in like, Kindergarten. So, about a hundred years ago. But when did I meet Alex Alex? You know what, I can't remember. I gave up that memory to make space for Journey lyrics and mental images of Wentworth Miller's face. Whatever, the important thing is, we met. We met, we talked, we laughed, we established that I was insane and she was relatively normal but able to tolerate me, and a beautiful friendship was formed.
There are alot of great things about Alex Alex. Foremost is that she has red hair. Oh yeah, she has red hair. She's a Ranga. I love Rangas. Everyone does. Even people who say they don't. If someone says to you "I hate Rangas", you just know they're lying. It's impossible to hate a Ranga - and why would you? They're so funny. They blush so easily, they usually have freckles, they get sunburn if they're exposed to sunlight for more than 45, let's face it, the word Ranga is just plain fun to say. Shame on you people who pretend to hate Rangas! Shame on you! They do nothing but provide us with laughter and joy and someone to make fun of! Oh my gosh, how long have I been talking about this? Okay, enough about Rangas. Let's just conclude by saying they are awesome and hilarious and anyone who thinks otherwise can suck my dick.
Okay, I don't have a dick. Man, I am getting way off topic here!
More about Alex Alex:
Her birthday is today. The 8th of September. You know who else has a birthday today? Pink. And the kid who did the voice of Simba in The Lion King. So that's exciting. For her.
Alex drives a little blue car. She drove it to my house yesterday - she said the reason was to return our stereo system which she borrowed for her 21st party, but I'm pretty sure that was just an excuse to come visit me. Actually, speaking of her 21st party, it was like 3 days ago. I got her a pretty kick-ass present. Oh, and I wrote her a pretty kick-ass card. Well, I thought it was kick-ass; her family didn't seem to agree. I'll let you guys judge for yourselves:

Alex Alex,

Happy Birthday, homeskillet! And I love you! THIS much! If you were 6 inches taller, 16 years older and covered in tattoos, I would do you. Oh hey, you know what? Since it's your birthday, I'll do you anyway. EVEN THOUGH you didn't invite me to your party and I practically had to have your gift smuggled in. Whatever. I'll be hosting my own party for you's in my pants. Feel free to drop by.

By the way, I'm totally kidding. Still, inappropriate lesbian jokes aside, I really do think you might be one of the coolest people I know - and not JUST because you read my blog on a semi-regular basis. Although that is a large part of it.

Happy birthday, dude. Xxx Jacki

Kick-ass, right? Apparently her parents now think I'm a lesbian. What?! Hello, I said inappropriate lesbian jokes. As in, I'm joking! Plus, you would think the fact that the front of the card looked like this would throw them off:

Well, whatever.
Alex likes Harry Potter. More than Twilight. I know she hasn't actually seen or read The Twilight Series, but I honestly don't know how that's possible. I mean yeah Harry Potter is epic, but Twilight has Rob Pattinson, who is second only to Wentworth Miller on the Jacki-Trew-Hotness-Scale. Well, to each their own I suppose.
Alex is pretty smart. She's taught me lots of cool shit over the years, like where Glasgow is, and why you should never drink four glasses of champagne in a row. More recently, she taught me about Silent Library, this totally ace Japanese game show which involves people physically maiming themselves in public libraries and having to remain completely silent while doing so. I recommend it to all of you. Oh, she also taught me not to eat liquor chocolates before driving, because you can actually get drunk on them. Well, drunk enough to lose your license at least.
Speaking of getting drunk, Alex has a brother. That segue might seem completely random, but there are seven people who attended a post-Greenwich Village Games cocktail party at my house last december, and all of them can attest to the fact that it very much isn't. That is a story for another day, but yes, Alex has a brother. Robbie. Robert. Rob. Bob. Whatever. I don't know his middle name, so I'm going to make one up: Bertrand. Ha! So, Alex has a brother. Robert Bertrand Kerr. He's my friend too, although I think he finds my insanity tiresome at times. Still, he's also quite cool - it must run in their family. We've had some good times, like one night when we watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I got so scared I almost crapped myself. Which I know doesn't sound like such a good time, but as horrible as it is, there's something strangely hilarious about that movie. So yeah, this is my shout-out to Robbie, even though I sincerely doubt he will ever find it - he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who sits around Googling stuff like 'Celebrity Doppelganger Theory' or 'Shower Thoughts' or 'Jacki Trew + Wentworth Miller'.
Still. Robbie! What's up dude?

Alright, what's next? Actually, I might end it here. This post is getting pretty flippin' epic - any longer and I'll be crossing into stalker territory. And that's an area I save specifically for Wentworth.
So, in conclusion:
Alex = cool
Wentworth = hot
Jacki = crazy
This post = pointless
But Happy Birthday, Alex. And please tell your family that I'm not a lesbian.
Love, Jacki.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Is Black Hawk Down the best movie EVER?

So today, when I was done lying on the bathroom floor wrapped around the toilet (more about that later), I decided to watch Black Hawk Down.
Which isn't really so weird, I guess. What's weird is that, before today, I'd never seen Black Hawk Down.
I don't know why. It seems to be one of those movies that everyone has seen. You know, like Love Actually. Or Grease. Oh man, I love Grease. Anyway I'm totally dev that I hadn't seen it before now, because here's something I learned while watching Black Hawk Down:

Black Hawk Down is the best movie EVER
Well, alright. That's a pretty dramatic thing to say. So maybe it's not the best movie ever (I mean it's pretty hard to compete against stuff like Moulin Rouge and Tropic Thunder, and you know the only way Dirty Dancing will get knocked out of first place is if someone actually makes a film about Wentworth and I getting married) but still.
I was suitable impressed. And not just because the entire cast seemed to be made up of my own personal former celebrity crushes. Let's recap, shall we?
  • Orlando Bloom
  • Eric Bana
  • Ewan McGregor
  • Josh Harnett
  • That guy from Fantastic Four

Oh, AND William Fichner, who I love because he has totally crazy eyes, and because he was in Prison Break with My One And Only.
So, add all of that to the fact that there's gunfire and explosions AND hilarious haircuts, and you've got yourself a pretty kick-ass movie. But I decided to upgrade it from kick-ass to best movie EVER? because right in the middle, I had this epiphany:

Wentworth Miller knows William Fichtner
William Fichtner
knows Eric Bana
Eric Bana knows Jacki Trew

Right? Right??
The moment I formed that connection...well, I honestly wish you all could have been there. It was explosively insane. Even by my standards.

Quote Of The Day

"If there's one thing no girl can resist, it's a stripper pole."
- Holly Madison, former playmate and girlfriend of Hugh Hefner

Um, yeah. I respectfully disagree.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Jacki Vs Teacher: Awkward Moment #1

Jacki: (Presenting Celyna, my college teacher, with a half finished corset-bra) Celyna! What do you think? Do you like it? Do you love it? Are you going to wear it to your wedding?
Celyna: (Looking faintly disturbed) It's good. But no, I don't think so.
Jacki: Oh. Well, can I wear it to your wedding?
Celyna: Jacki, you aren't invited to my wedding (Walks away)


Jacki: Well. That sucks for me.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Wow. It's been almost 2 seconds since I last blogged - better get on that.
Ok, so three things:
1) Anyone trying to contact me on Facebook, sorry, but my computer is going through some phase where it refuses to open that particular website. Everything else is fine, but Facebook is a definite no-no. I don't mind so much - I've learnt to deal with my laptop's increasing moodswings. But if you were thinking about writing on my wall, don't bother; my computer will probably explode. Yours might too. Just give me a phone call.

2) My sewing-machine-poltergeist has followed me to school. And I am not even kidding. Okay so the other day I just sitting there, you know, all innocently, working on a shirt. I put my foot on the pedal, and the machine sewed for a few seconds, and then stopped. Huh? What? So I'm pressing on the pedal and making 'Why isn't the machine working?' gestures, and then Celyna (my teacher) comes up behind me and is all "Your machine's turned off, idiot."
Okay, actually what she said was "Your machine's turned off." But you could totally tell she was adding the 'idiot' part in her head. Anyway...
There was only one possible solution - IT WAS THE SEWING-MACHINE-POLTERGEIST!!
So then of course I completely abandoned my assignment and sat around talking about my poltergeist theory to just about anyone who would listen. And now they all think I'm crazy. I mean, more so than before.

3) I had netball last night. It was the usual embarrassing affair - not because of my team, oh no, they're fantastic, but rather because I couldn't seem to gain control over my own legs. Honestly, by the end of the game it was getting ridiculous. Who trips over themselves? I'm all for tripping over someone else, that could happen to anyone. But I trip over myself. Like, I'll be standing COMPLETELY alone, with nobody around me, and somehow my legs get all tangled up in each other. It happened twice last night, much to the delight of the spectactors I'm sure.
Ah well, I guess it's not that bad. What did I lose really, except my last shred of dignity and all the skin on my left knee? Nothing I can't live without.