Welcome home, Chate. Here's what you missed:

If you didn't already know, my sister ran off to Bali or Singapore or Hong Kong or, well, some country with at least one coastline a couple of weeks ago, once again leaving me completely alone with our parents and no buffer. But that's not important. The important thing is that she'll finally be home in a couple of hours, and it's up to me, her worldly, educated, eloquent and insightful younger sister, to fill her in on what's been happening in her absence.
Oh yeah, baby.
And yes, I could have, probably should have done this in private, but I decided to publish it in a public forum because last time I did a 'Welcome home, Chate. Here's what you missed', her response was this:

Catherine: That was the most disturbing thing I have ever read.

Well.
I don't know about you guys, but when regular people say 'disturbing', I hear 'hilarious'. And hilarity is meant to be shared. So here goes. Welcome home, Chate. Here's what you missed:

Okay first of all don't ask me for Home and Away updates, because I've hardly watched it since you left. What? Huh? Haven't watched it since you left?! It sounds insane, I know, and it is, but so am I, and other than that, I don't have an explanation. All I can give you is that Miles finally found out about Nicole and Sid, flipped his lid and pushed Sid into a pool, there's a new kid called Romeo in town, and that rapist dude who supposedly fathered Ruby got stabbed to death. Gasp! Whodunnit? I can honestly say I don't care.
In other TV/celebrity news, Anthony won Project Runway, Kanye West totally lost his shit at the VMA's, I discovered an awesome horror/comedy called The Signal, Lady Gaga bled to death on stage, Crazy-Eyes-Casey was eliminated from Idol, Kevin Rudd dropped the f-bomb in parliament, I almost completely finished the TV-Guide crossword TWICE, and America's Next Top Model was so boring I fell asleep during panel.
Some dude from Harris came to give all our computers a once-over and in what has to be the most baffling discovery ever, found that MINE was actually the least totally-f'ed-by-viruses-slash-illegally-downloaded-music. Guess who's was the worst? I'll give you a clue: her name starts with C, and ends with E. Oh, and you see her face every morning when you look in the mirror.
Can you guess? Can you guess? Never mind, I'll just say: It's you.
Once the internet was restored, Mum got onto my blog, read it, laughed and then lectured me for 10 minutes on how un-lady-like it is to invite those who don't agree with my opinion on red-heads to "suck my dick". Well, whatever.
Hmm, what else? I finally bought clear nailpolish that isn't equal in consistency to maple syrup. Yay for me! Julia and I saw Beyonce live. Yayer for me!
Someone switched Dad's phone to predictive text and he completely freaked out and got all flustered everytime he tried to message someone: "Why can't I type 'cheque'? No, I typed all the letters and it just came out as a huge jumble. How do I fix this stupid thing? CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME?!"
Hahaha. That was awesome.
We lost netball but it was a good game - I didn't trip over anyone, or even myself, not once. We had a picnic at college. I saw a guy that looked like Voldemort on the bus. Vandy went out to dinner for Casey and Lauren's birthday. I bought a new shirt. One day it was so hot, I actually went for a swim in the pool; it was kind of freezing and short-lived once I remembered how afraid I am of pool-sharks, but nice all the same. Rove turned 10, I spent an awkward coffee break trying to explain the actual meaning of the word 'douche' to half my class on friday and, oh yeah, I'M READY TO DIE BECAUSE WE GOT PRISON BREAK SEASON 4 ON DVD!!!
And on that note, I'll have to stop. I can't even write the words 'Prison', 'Break', or 'DVD' without being overcome with the need to hit play and stare into Wentworth's eyes for a solid 40 minutes and 32 seconds - if you want to know more, you're just going to have to ask me.
Later!!