Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Alex Kerr: A Dedication

Continuing once again in my tradition of dedicating posts to seemingly random people on their birthdays, here is a post dedicated to Alex Kerr. In honour of her birthday.

Alex. Alex Kerr. Alex Anne Kerr.
Alex Anne Kerr, or as I refer to her, Alex Alex, is quite a cool person. Of course, when I say 'quite a cool person', what I really mean is 'legendary, absolutely legendary, so much so that I often wish my own sister would swap places with her'.
But, you know. I don't want to appear too obsessed.
Right. Here's the deal: Alex Alex became friends with my sister (Catherine, who you guys know, you've been there) in like, Kindergarten. So, about a hundred years ago. But when did I meet Alex Alex? You know what, I can't remember. I gave up that memory to make space for Journey lyrics and mental images of Wentworth Miller's face. Whatever, the important thing is, we met. We met, we talked, we laughed, we established that I was insane and she was relatively normal but able to tolerate me, and a beautiful friendship was formed.
There are alot of great things about Alex Alex. Foremost is that she has red hair. Oh yeah, she has red hair. She's a Ranga. I love Rangas. Everyone does. Even people who say they don't. If someone says to you "I hate Rangas", you just know they're lying. It's impossible to hate a Ranga - and why would you? They're so funny. They blush so easily, they usually have freckles, they get sunburn if they're exposed to sunlight for more than 45 seconds...plus, let's face it, the word Ranga is just plain fun to say. Shame on you people who pretend to hate Rangas! Shame on you! They do nothing but provide us with laughter and joy and someone to make fun of! Oh my gosh, how long have I been talking about this? Okay, enough about Rangas. Let's just conclude by saying they are awesome and hilarious and anyone who thinks otherwise can suck my dick.
Okay, I don't have a dick. Man, I am getting way off topic here!
More about Alex Alex:
Her birthday is today. The 8th of September. You know who else has a birthday today? Pink. And the kid who did the voice of Simba in The Lion King. So that's exciting. For her.
Alex drives a little blue car. She drove it to my house yesterday - she said the reason was to return our stereo system which she borrowed for her 21st party, but I'm pretty sure that was just an excuse to come visit me. Actually, speaking of her 21st party, it was like 3 days ago. I got her a pretty kick-ass present. Oh, and I wrote her a pretty kick-ass card. Well, I thought it was kick-ass; her family didn't seem to agree. I'll let you guys judge for yourselves:

Alex Alex,

Happy Birthday, homeskillet! And I love you! THIS much! If you were 6 inches taller, 16 years older and covered in tattoos, I would do you. Oh hey, you know what? Since it's your birthday, I'll do you anyway. EVEN THOUGH you didn't invite me to your party and I practically had to have your gift smuggled in. Whatever. I'll be hosting my own party for you tonight...it's in my pants. Feel free to drop by.

By the way, I'm totally kidding. Still, inappropriate lesbian jokes aside, I really do think you might be one of the coolest people I know - and not JUST because you read my blog on a semi-regular basis. Although that is a large part of it.

Happy birthday, dude. Xxx Jacki

Kick-ass, right? Apparently her parents now think I'm a lesbian. What?! Hello, I said inappropriate lesbian jokes. As in, I'm joking! Plus, you would think the fact that the front of the card looked like this would throw them off:

Well, whatever.
Alex likes Harry Potter. More than Twilight. I know she hasn't actually seen or read The Twilight Series, but I honestly don't know how that's possible. I mean yeah Harry Potter is epic, but Twilight has Rob Pattinson, who is second only to Wentworth Miller on the Jacki-Trew-Hotness-Scale. Well, to each their own I suppose.
Alex is pretty smart. She's taught me lots of cool shit over the years, like where Glasgow is, and why you should never drink four glasses of champagne in a row. More recently, she taught me about Silent Library, this totally ace Japanese game show which involves people physically maiming themselves in public libraries and having to remain completely silent while doing so. I recommend it to all of you. Oh, she also taught me not to eat liquor chocolates before driving, because you can actually get drunk on them. Well, drunk enough to lose your license at least.
Speaking of getting drunk, Alex has a brother. That segue might seem completely random, but there are seven people who attended a post-Greenwich Village Games cocktail party at my house last december, and all of them can attest to the fact that it very much isn't. That is a story for another day, but yes, Alex has a brother. Robbie. Robert. Rob. Bob. Whatever. I don't know his middle name, so I'm going to make one up: Bertrand. Ha! So, Alex has a brother. Robert Bertrand Kerr. He's my friend too, although I think he finds my insanity tiresome at times. Still, he's also quite cool - it must run in their family. We've had some good times, like one night when we watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I got so scared I almost crapped myself. Which I know doesn't sound like such a good time, but as horrible as it is, there's something strangely hilarious about that movie. So yeah, this is my shout-out to Robbie, even though I sincerely doubt he will ever find it - he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who sits around Googling stuff like 'Celebrity Doppelganger Theory' or 'Shower Thoughts' or 'Jacki Trew + Wentworth Miller'.
Still. Robbie! What's up dude?

Alright, what's next? Actually, I might end it here. This post is getting pretty flippin' epic - any longer and I'll be crossing into stalker territory. And that's an area I save specifically for Wentworth.
So, in conclusion:
Alex = cool
Wentworth = hot
Jacki = crazy
This post = pointless
But Happy Birthday, Alex. And please tell your family that I'm not a lesbian.
Love, Jacki.

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