Caffeine & Cynicism

Okay, I've kept my mouth shut about this for a while, but try as I might, I can't restrain myself any longer.

I need to vent about my issues with 5 Chewing Gum.

First of all, what's with the flavours? Cobalt? Electro? Flare?
What is this insanity? Are those names actually supposed to be appealing? Because they're not! Here's what I think when I hear them:
Electro - It's like chewing on a live extension cord!
Flare - It's like eating embers straight out of the BBQ!
Cobalt - It's a colour, not a flavour!

Also, lets talk about the commercial. I don't know about anyone else, but it gave me the clear impression that chewing 5 Gum would feel like riding the worlds most insane rollercoaster. Yeah, that's what I got. So as you can imagine, I was pretty flippin' excited.
And pretty flippin' disappointed. Chewing 5 Gum isn't like riding the worlds most insane rollercoaster. It's not like riding any kind of rollercoaster. You want to know what it's like?
It's like chewing gum.
That tastes faintly of extension cords.
No, I'm only kidding. It actually just tastes like regular peppermint. But the thing about it not feeling like riding a rollercoaster is completely true. It's no more exciting than regular chewing gum. In fact, it may be less exciting than regular gum.

Anyway, that's it. Don't buy 5 Chewing Gum! You've all been warned.