Wednesday, December 26, 2007
check at 14 seconds.
and this was ACTUALLY on tv
*dies with excitement*
Saturday, December 22, 2007
have you SEEN it?
the one with the sharks? its just an ad for tuna. TUNA. most people dont even like tuna. in fact, im pretty sure that apart from mel and my mum, nobody actually buys tuna anymore, unless, you know, its for their pet cat.
so why would the tuna people make their commercial so attention-grabbingly scary?? THEY DONT NEED TO GRAB ANYONE'S ATTENTION.
BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT NOBODY EATS TUNA.
INCLUDING THE JOHN WEST PEOPLE.
so they should KNOW that there's no point in trying to grab people's attention, because as soon as they start paying attention, they will realise its just an ad for tuna, and they'll go 'ew, tuna' and then what will they do?
STOP PAYING ATTENTION
unless they're me, and they become so transfixed by the terrifying concept of a man on a boat surrounded by sharks who is sure to be killed when the sharks leap out of the water and onto the boat, because they are being driven into a hunger-frenzy by the tuna he's eating.
you know what i bet in the ad, the guy isnt even eating tuna.
its probably some tuna-substitute, which sounds completely disgusting, but when you think about it, there really isnt anything as disgusting as tuna, so tuna-substitute cant be that bad.
and i just thought of something else
WHY WOULD PEOPLE BUY TUNA IF IT MEANS THEY ARE GOING TO BE ATTACKED BY SHARKS???
because thats pretty much what the john west people are saying will happen if you eat john west tuna. you know. every shark in the world will smell the tuna from inside your tummy, and they will go wild with hunger and desire for the tuna (ew) and will hunt you down until they find you, kill you and eat you.
and, subsequently, the tuna.
seriously, john west. put that in your pipe and smoke it.
oh. so good. so so good.
and it wasnt just the ridiculously over-acted storyline. i think the fact that the movie also featured an eleven year old boy driving a car, a lake being transformed into pure acid, the complete destruction of the town within the first 40 minutes, and a mangy half-starved dog somehow able to escape from a house surrounded by liquid hot magma that put the icing on the cake.
i also loved the moment where, upon the initial explosion of the volcano, several cars parked outside the towns high school spontaneously burst into flame. completely understandable, of course.
whatever. now im sitting here, watching old prison break re-runs and drooling over wentworth, thinking its probably time that i got up and had a shower.
oh. wentworth just came back on the screen.
maybe five more minutes.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
its been a while since i could be bothered to drag my sorry butt over to the computer and re-count the ridiculously exaggerated events that take place in my life.
therefore i give you, a summary:
- lake mac
which basically involved 11 insane teenage girls inhabiting a house for a week, and attempting to make as much noise, eat as much chocolate, sunbake for as many hours, dance as many dances and watch as many chic flicks as possible. excellent
terrible nachos. melbourne boys. sunbaking. sauna. naked julia. wet and wild. channel v. all nighters. piercings. the best time of our lives.
- i got a job
for a week. but still. i dont think any of us imagined i would join the wonderful world of work after that stint at bakers delight (although working at a bakery did allow me to think of what is possibly my most ingenious creation to date: chocolate chip scones dipped in icing, rolled in sprinkles and microwaved for 15 seconds. bliss)
- new phone?
yes. yes! well no, not yet. but on thursday (thursday the day which is like any other normal day and has nothing to do with results WHATSOEVER) possibly i may actually come into possession of a phone that actually functions.
thats it. apart from OHMIGOSH the fact that there is now A PRISON BREAK RIDE at luna park.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
10. It is always summer in Australia
9. If there is a party on the beach, everyone will be drunk within 8 minutes of arrival
8. If you live in Summer Bay and happen to stumble upon some legal troubles, there is no need to worry, because the sister of the surf club president is always coincidentally in town whenever somebody goes to court, and she is a judge
7. It is perfectly normal for devastating cyclones to target (and destroy only) specific beach towns
6. If somebody new arrives in town, it is most likely that they are either related to you, or a convicted murderer
5. Paralysis can be easily overcome, as long as your nurse is an attractive single mother who desperately needs protection from her violent ex-husband
4. One night stands always result in pregnancy
3. If you have a twin sister who doesn't really look like you, its probably because she and your actual twin were accidentally switched at birth
2. Don’t get married. You will either divorce, be shot and killed by a crazy drug addict, or fail to turn up to the wedding at all
and the number one thing we've learned from watching home and away???
1. There’s no need to fear death. In all likeliness, you’ll just come back to life in a few weeks anyway
Friday, November 16, 2007
anyway. after a few more seconds i realise this movie isnt just about prison.
its about breaking out of prison.
a prison BREAK, if you may.
this needed investigation:
jacki: (innocently) oh, so whats this you're watching?
mum: The Great Escape
jacki: it looks old
mum: it is old
jacki: whats it about?
mum: its about a group of americans who escape from a german prisoner of war camp during the second world war...wait maybe a mixture of british and americans. anyway. its, like, the best movie ever. AND its got steve mcqueen in it!
mum: steve mcqueen
jacki: who's that?
mum: (sounding outraged that i dont know) a famous actor!
jacki: is he good looking?
mum: please. he's like the Wentworth Miller of the 1970's
MY MUM HAS A WENTWORTH MILLER?
MY MUM KNOWS WHO WENTWORTH MILLER IS???
on second thought, i suppose thats actually a given, considering how much i talk about him, especially (for some reason) at the dinner table.
is this where i got that burning passion that resides deep within my loins, telling me that wentworth and i were made for each other? from my MOTHER?!
who knew family discussion time could be so entertaining?
of course i had to correct my mum straight away
you know, because you cant just go around saying someone is the wentworth miller of the seventies or whatever.
you cant compare regular people to wentworth. he's just too amazing.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
probably because i spend more time looking at the clock and listening to crappy music from the 80's than i do studying.
shouldnt my lack of knowledge and utter panic that ill get into the final exam and be able to think of nothing but the fact that Wentworth Miller's middle name is Earl (Earl. ahaha) make the hours go faster? or at least more bareable???
who am i kidding. nothing is bareable when im stuck in here attempting to memorise the methodology of Thucydides and catherine is sitting on the other side of the door watching Will Ferrell movies and eating chinese food for lunch.
i wonder how long it will take me to figure out exactly how many hours i have left until i finish the HSC. maybe by the time i work it out it will be time to go to bed, and ill be that much closer to the finish line.
ok here goes..
damn i finished already! and it only took...DAMMIT! one minute and 14 seconds! are you kidding me??!!
if only it werent for the technology of calculators and such, id probably be struggling with remainders and carrying the one or whatever for at least an hour. but oh no. some genius had to go invent a calculator. thanks alot.
Friday, October 26, 2007
ok i lied. i was always a procrastinator.
but, as i sit here and, rather than doing something studious like reading about Pompeii and Herculaneum in the pre-79AD era, flip between old re-runs of Gilmore Girls and that terrible scene in High School Musical 2 where Troy dances on the golf course, i realise ive officially sunk to a new level of procrastination.
and let me tell you, it feels phenomenal.
possibly even better than the liberation that came from watching 'Prison Break with RUBBER DUCKS' on youtube the night before my hsc maths exam.
yeah. actually that probably wasnt the best idea. still. its always useful to have something to replay over and over in your mind should you finish an exam 15 minutes early.
blah blah blah, i cant be bothered to type anything else and since i doubt any of you will read this until the HSC is officially over, by which time we all would have died of old age, nobody will suffer from my lack of blog.
at least hopefully not
until next time!
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
basically im just killing time until Heroes comes on, which is officially like, my 4th favourite tv show, even though there are now so many characters (several of whom dont even speak english) that it doesnt really make sense anymore.
like i care! did i stop watching Lost after that polar bear appeared for the third time without explanation? i most certainly did not!
anyway the point is, ive had a fairly not-so-great night, mostly on account of the fact that as i was enjoying my shower just 20 minutes ago, mother nature decided to kick me in the crotch, and a thunderstorm started.
which might not sound like a big deal, but anybody who knows me knows very well that there are few things on this earth that freak me out more than thunder. one of them is giant cockroaches, and the other is my sister Catherine during one of her rage blackouts. but apart from those, thunderstorms are the worst.
so as soon as the thunder started, my plan to dance-the-time-til-heroes-away-in-the-shower-with-the-help-of-my-trusty-dolphin-shaped-shower-radio was immediately thwarted, and the only thing left to do was run out of the shower, dry myself as quickly as possible, grab the dog from where he was cowering in fear under the coffee table, and my computer, and get under the doona in my bed, where im currently writing this blog.
argh! more thunder!
and theres still 16 minutes til Heroes.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Mum: (sighs) I dont love them, i just think they're nice
Jacki: whatever! what're they called again?
Mum: Bogon moths?
Jacki: I just got attacked by one!
Mum: You got attacked by one??!!
Jacki: Yeah!! In the shower!
Jacki: Yeah! I dont know what happened! Everything was going great, i was shampooing, you know how i love shampooing, and all of a sudden, there it was! Buzzing around my head like one of those giant flying nazguls from Lord of the Rings. Ok. I've got to stop watching Lord of the Rings. But still!
Mum: Hmm. Thats nice.
Jacki: Hello??!! Did you not hear me? The buzzing? The freaking out? The shampooing interruption? The Lord of the Rings reference? - and i know how much you hate those.
Mum: Jacki its just a moth
Jacki: Just a moth? JUST a moth? I dont think so!
Mum: (sounding bored) Is that so, hmmm
Jacki: I'm telling you, it was huge. Bigger than huge. Colossal! Bigger than colossal! Gigantor!
Mum: (teasing) Not bigger than gigantor?
Mum: Just go finish your shower
Jacki: Oh no. I cant go back in there now! In fact, i may not ever be able to go back in there! I'm telling you, I havent been this scared of showers since I saw Psycho
Mum: You've never seen Psycho
Jacki: No, but i saw the dvd cover in blockbuster this one time, and i -
Mum: Just go and finish your shower!
Jacki: No! Ok, i havent been this scared of showers...ever!
Mum: What about the time you thought funnel web spiders lived in the sewers and one was going to crawl up the drain and bite the bottom of your foot while you were in the shower?
Jacki: Ok, apart from that.
Mum: What about the time you were afraid to have hot showers in case the mirror steamed up and the ghosts would be able to write threatening notes to you on it?
Jacki: Mum, come on, I was 8!
Mum: What about the time you were convinced that every time you closed your eyes in the shower, the freaky naked princess murderer from Thirteen Ghosts would appear and try to kill you?
Jacki: Enough woman! Look all im saying is i dont think you should be so loving towards those moths anymore, since one of them tried to kill your only daughter
Jacki: Sorry. Favourite daughter.
the most pathetic thing about me is: the highlight of my week was being attacked by a moth in the shower.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
as of this moment, im lying on my bed, watching my cat snuggle into the green pillows on my window box, ignoring the disgustingly hot gale-force winds outside which will probably rip the roof off my house at any second, and thinking about how sucky is it that i only have 8 minutes and 40 seconds left of 'study break time'.
i loath the HSC with every fibre of my being.
Friday, October 05, 2007
first of all, its been way too long since i sat down at my computer and typed out anything that was in no way related to the HSC.
ok, i lied.
its been too long since i sat down at my computer and typed out anything.
that wasnt to do with wentworth miller.
or prison break.
or the fact that i am in love with wentworth miller.
and prison break.
and second of all, i think you should all take your hands off the mouse or keys or screen (should you have some weird fetish where you have to touch the screen of your computer) and give a round of applaus.
because this week something incredible happened. I ACTUALLY DID STUDY!
i know its hard to believe, but its the truth. in between the sunbaking, the trips to lane cove shops, the prison break/lord of the rings/crappy horror movie marathons and constant dashes across the road for more jelly beans and red bull, i managed to sit down and write out some notes.
whether or not i actually retained any of that information? well, only the moment where i sit down to my first exam (english? thats just cruel), open the booklet and have a mental breakdown will tell.
oh. home and away.
until next time!
Monday, September 24, 2007
remember how i used to whinge and moan and bitch and complain 24/7 about my bed? and with reason!
i mean. this thing was so narrow, i dont think you could even call it a single. it was more like a half-single. somewhere between a regular single and one of those bassinets that people carry babies around in. and thats not all. it was old. and not just old. oh no. this is the bed ive had SINCE I GOT OUT OF A COT. its old old. and one of the most annoying things about old old beds is that they squeak. and this one was so exception.
and i didnt just find the fact that every time i so much as wiggled my toes in the night, the whole bed would shudder and shake and creak and groan so loudly i literally thought it was about to explode from underneath me annoying. actually, this wasnt so bad at all, compared to the fact that everytime the bed made a noise, my cat (who has a fond habbit of sleeping on my head) would COMPLETELY FREAK OUT and latch onto my face.
this is not pleasant.
the point is, i didnt think there was any feeling more painful than having the promise of a new double bed (from my mum), but having to wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for it, enduring this hideous ancient old old bed in the meantime.
well i was wrong. there is a worse feeling.
because i got my double bed. thats right. the hideous ancient old old bed is gone.
but oh, hoo haa, whats this? the new bed didnt come with a mattress? mum and dad are too busy to get one until next weekend? the old bed has already been thrown away? nobody cares about the condition of jacki's spinal cord?
this. is SO UNFAIR.
because now all i have is the frame of my beautiful beautiful double bed. no mattress. in fact, as im typing this, im sitting on the bare wooden slats of the bed, hoping that one of my parents will come up and see me, think how pathetic i look, and take pity on me.
probably not though. i mean, it is kind of funny.
ps 2 days left of school
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
for those of you who hadnt heard, i entered a Nova competition to win a trip to the set of Prison Break and meet my one and only.
seeings as all you had to do to win was send in a hideous 'mug shot' of yourself, and then complete a series of 'prisoner challenges', i thought i would win for sure - i mean, come on. there are only about 65 thousand hideous photos of me circulating the nation, and we all know im prepared to do pretty much anything in order to meet wentworth.
no. Nova dissapoints again. i dont know why im suprised.
anyway, the point is, im pretty sure that the best thing to do at this point is combine my love for wentworth with 2dayfm's hatred of nova. but first things first, i have to get 2dayfm's attention.
ok. this is where the 'send jacki to wentworth' campaign comes in. and dont worry, theres something for everyone; a myspace bulletin, a facebook group, and (for those sad people in the audience who are as reliant on the internet as i am), theres a blog too.
go on. help me scam as many free airfairs out of these people as i can.
send jacki to wentworth.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
10. everyone else loves it: despite the popularity of 'i hate facebook', im pretty sure most people only joined up so that they had free reign to insult me through group comments. except maybe janey.
9. myspace is copying it: why. why. why. myspace, you are ten times the internet addiction that facebook could ever be.
8. the only thing i know how to do is make groups: called 'I hate facebook'. Fun, but how is that going to get me lying in a shrub outside wentworth millers apartment at 3am with a pair of binoculars and 18 empty cans of red bull?
7. there is NO reason for it to be called 'facebook': think about it. myspace is called myspace because its MY SPACE. but facebook? FACEBOOK?! its not a book! its not a face! i dont even have to put my face on it if i dont want to! shut up!
6. i know about people i dont know: and i dont WANT to know them. yeah, thats right. by association, i know the precise time when steven crabapple became friends with ellie winebottle, the date of ron gibbots wedding, and what jessica fin thinks about wendy sloots new haircut. WHY?
5. they all look THE SAME: at least they could encourage individualism. but no. facebooks all look the same. and guess what? they all look HIDEOUS.
4. the incessant emails: so-and-so has written on your wall...so-and-so has added you as a friend...so-and-so wants to confirm that he or she met you on the 6th of july, 1996 at 4.35pm, while standing outside a bowling alley, contemplating whether or not he or she should buy a strawberry flavoured ice cream
3. there is NO difference between 'wall' and 'superwall': is there? i mean DID I MISS SOMETHING??? there is NO difference! none! and once i got superwall, i couldnt figure out how to GET RID OF IT! *weeps*
2. when i signed on today, i had...: 1 texas hold'em invitation, 3 zombie invitations, 1 sticky note request, 3 superpoke! friend requests, 1 emote request, 1 hatching gift invitation, 2 werewolves invitations, 1 vampire invitation, 1 hawaiian luau invitation and 6 new notifications. SHUT UP! THE ONLY THING IM INTERESTED IN IS STALKING WENTWORTH!! IS THAT TOO MUCH FOR YOU PEOPLE???
and the number one reason that i hate facebook...
1. i am totally, utterly and completely addicted to it
Thursday, September 13, 2007
(during an add break)
dad: so, why didnt Sally want to marry Brad?
jacki: (amazed) you know the character names???
dad: we've been watching for almost 10 minutes
jacki: (thinking to self) wow, he's good..
dad: so how come?
jacki: well, Sally was married to Flynn, but he died of melanoma. And Brad was married to Emily, and she died of Luekemia. For some reason, Brad was ok with getting married again but Sally felt like if she married someone else she'd be 'erasing' the memory of Flynn
dad: so both of their previous partners died?
dad: what did they die of?
jacki: I just told you, melanoma and leukemia
dad: gee. thats so tragic!
jacki: (thinking: did he just say 'gee'??) Yeah I guess. alot of people die on home and away
jacki: oh look its back on
(during the next add break)
dad: So whats happening with Jack and Martha?
jacki: well they have to get marriage counseling because they want to get divorced but they were only married for 6 months
dad: why do they want a divorce?
jacki: mainly because Jack is engaged to someone else
dad: (sounding shocked) really?
jacki: (sounding bored) yes. really
dad: and why did they get a divorce?
jacki: well Jack's a policeman so he was always working, and Martha got tired of it. Also, they argue about everything
dad: thats so sad!
jacki: Yeah I loved them together
dad: (sounding genuinely upset) Do you think they'll ever work it out??
jacki: I think so, theyre meant to be together
dad: (practically on the verge of tears) Its just so..so sad!
jacki: Dad I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but you do know its just a tv show, right??
dad: (annoyed) That doesnt mean its not sad!!
jacki: ok ok. geez
(a couple of minutes later)
dad: do you like it when guys dont shave their face?
jacki: OH. MY GOSH.
dad: I mean, half the guys on this show have 4 days of growth on their face.
jacki: (extremely weirded out) Um..I dont really have a preference
dad: oh ok. I was just wondering you know (Dan comes onto the screen) So..you like that guy? (winks)
jacki: I'm leaving
dad: (cheerfully) Ok, I'll tell you what happens!
WHAT THE HELL!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Friday, September 07, 2007
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
- Wentworth Miller
i TOLD you!!!!
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
i can certainly say Black Sheep lives up to the reputation of the New Zealand film corporations standards, only because im pretty sure its the only movie the New Zealand film corp has actually ever made. and ever will make.
no offence to whoever thought up the idea of genetically mutated sheep who escape from the laboratory, spread their canabalistic qualities throughout the farm by biting other sheep/people/dogs and are pretty much indestructable thanks to the whole genetics thing, but what the hell?
the movie opened with a fairly amateur montage of green hills, farm houses, cliff tops, sheepdogs and hideous accents, and it pretty much went downhill from there, with flesh eating sheep foetuses (yeah im not kidding. FOETUSES), blonde girls named 'Experience', extremely unrealistic and completely disgusting surround sound effects, and an entirely serious scene where one of the crazy sheep drives a truck. of course it didnt help that one of the main characters bore a striking resemblance to Mr Obrien, and that, later on in the movie, he was stabbed in the side of the head with an aeroplane propellor, shortly after having sex with a sheep.
i also loved the fact that whenever there was an unexpected twist in the plotline which didnt make sense in the slightest - such as the fact that the whole mutation process could be reversed if the thing that had been bitten just drank some sort of mystery liquid that one of the characters found in the barn - it was all put down to 'genetics' and 'science'.
there was also that whole hey-the-timing-in-this-movie-doesnt-really-make-sense thing: when Tucker was bitten by one of the sheep it took about 98 seconds for his whole left leg to morph into a wool-coated hoof, but Henry was also bitten and his bite never progressed further than a nasty gash with white hair sprouting out of it. I also found it hard to fathom how Tucker was affected by the killer-sheep, seeings as he was bitten on the foot while wearing shoes, and loved the fact that Angus met up with Grant just after Grant had been bitten by the original killer-sheep (by this point, Grant was about halfway through his transformation into a sheep, and his head pretty much resembled the backside of a goat thats been run over, but Angus carried on having a conversation, not at all noticing the fact that he was pretty much TALKING TO ROADKILL)
so, to sum up, it was 110 minutes of mutation, beastality, mindless murder, and complete ridiculous, and is pretty much the best movie ive ever seen
Monday, September 03, 2007
miss shanahan: no you wont, you're young. ill be alone forever!
jacki: fine, compromise. we'll BOTH be alone forever. better?
miss shanahan: no, i want us to end up together!
miss shanahan: ...with other people i mean
sure you do shanny
sure you do
Monday, August 27, 2007
thats ok, thats ok. i refuse to be disheartened (is that even a word? im guessing no. whatever)
i figured maybe i should start smaller than rove. i also figured the quest for wentworth is my ticket to propel me (and julia) to international stardom. or at least to an international restraining order. whatever.
so i emailed 2dayfm's Hamish and Andy. i went with Hamish and Andy for 2 reasons:
1) they are pretty much the male alternative of me and julia
2) i hate nova (and yeah, i know that might seem kind of backwards since they are the ones who got me on the radio for the first time, but come on. the g-string thing. ugh)
anyway, i figured emailing hamish and andy 10 dillion times would be the best way to get their attention, on account of the fact that if i fill up their inbox with nothing but emails from me, they'll have to read at least one and put us on the radio.
yeah its going to work.
anyway this is pretty much the beginning of my escapade to become famous. in order to meet wentworth miller (in case any of you hadnt picked up on the reason i actually want to be famous yet).
Emails to Hamish and Andy (shortened version)
Hamish and andy. How goes it? Just an email to let you know theres a female alternative to you guys out there. Its me and my friend Julia. We’ll do anything to get famous. Mostly because we want to meet wentworth miller. So bad. So bad we drove around Sydney for 8 hours on a ‘quest’ to meet him. 8 hours. If that’s not worth at least a mention on the show, then I don’t know what is. Think about it.
Love jacki (and Julia).
jacki (thats me) and julia (thats my friend) are like the female hamish and andy, except possibly more eccentric,insane and inappropriate. if thats even possible. we love wentworth miller. so much we drove around sydney for 8 hours looking for places with 'wentworth' in the name. we called it THE QUEST FOR WENTWORTH. if thats not enough to make us famous, then i dont know what is. basically we're willing to endure anything to get famous/meet wentworth miller. interested? (and bear in mind i really do mean ANYTHING).
love jacki (and julia). haha.
i dont know if you've noticed but ive emailed you alot lately. ALOT. im pretty much going to keep emailing until you let me on the show. in the end ill be typing about nothing. although that might be entertaining. ive been told my writing style is 'refreshing'. or does that just mean incomprehensibly stupid? wow. incomprehensibly. if thats actually a word, kudos for me. seriously, think about letting me and my friend julia on the show. we're the female you guys. we'll do anything to get famous. ANYTHING.
so yeah. join the campaign to get us famous. you know you want to. and even if you dont want to, just do it. you havent got anything better to do (hey thats a good tagline...hmmm)
or was it UAI?
whatever, it was U-something, anyway the point is that it was so boring that all i can rememeber about it is wanting to stab myself in the face just for a little bit of entertainment.
basically the board of studies controls our lives. at least thats what i got out of it, since while mrs cranston was talk talk talking about who knows what, i was imagining our year locked in some epic battle against the board of studies, who kind of resembled those freakish robot-clones from whatever star wars movie it was when hayden christiansen was hot.
anyway. im thinking maybe i should ditch the uni or tafe thing and just become a bum on the street in protest of the whole board-of-studies-being-in-control-of-our-lives-whether-we-like-it-or-not-thing.
what am i even talking about?
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
wait, what the hell is with this font???
oh who knows.
according to this song by LazyBoy which has absolutely no credibility whatsoever, 1 in every 4 americans has been on tv.
1 in every 4?
now im no mathematician. im not even sure if thats how you spell mathematician. im not even sure mathematician is a word. BUT there are 300 million people in america right? and 20 million in australia?
so if there are 300 million americans and 1 in every 4 has been on tv, then 75 million americans have been on tv. and there are 20 million australians. thats way less people than in american. so if i live in australia, then arent i 15 times more likely to be on tv than if i lived in america? yes! yes i am!
so, if my calculations are correct (and i do general maths so we all know they will be), i should have been on tv 3.75 times already in my life!
and how many times have i been on tv?
oh. that would be. NONE.
and now dont get me wrong. ive come close. we all know about the time those british people came to film our house because nicole kidman lived in it a million years ago (im still waiting for that wedding invitation BY the way, nicole), and i, 15 years old and dressed in tye-died sari pants and blue fluffy slippers, tried everything i could to get on camera. and yes its true that the director asked me (not so politely, i might add) to refrain. but hey. they filmed parts of our laundry. thats right. my BRA was on tv.
so ive come close.
but close isnt good enough. no. im going to be on tv. for real. possibly a guest on rove live. or the ellen degeneres show, i havent decided yet. as long as wentworth miller is guest starring on the same day, sitting in the chair next to me, and wearing as little clothing as is legally possible on national tv, i really dont mind who interviews me.
so i got the idea from rodney to send the preview for The Quest for Wentworth into Rove, and tell him that im willing to do pretty much anything to get on tv/meet wentworth. i also added julias name, since she knows by now that those are the basic terms of our relationship: if i want to do something completely, utterly and ridiculously embarrassing, inappropriate, unconventional or bordering-on-illegal, she'll always do it with me.
(i love you julia :))
so yes. first attempt, rove live. ill keep you posted.
Friday, August 17, 2007
damn you tom. you just had to have a fit of technological energy and decide to recode the 'home' section of myspace on the very night when i am sitting home with nothing to do but watch reruns of Gilmore Girls and print out photos of wentworth miller.
sidebar: The Quest For Wentworth!!! the journey begins tomorrow!!!
anywho. today was interesting in the way that only days when you ditch dt to watch Miss Shanahan rapping to the black eyed peas, eat nothing but shapes and coconut, tell Mr Watson he is like a 'surrogate tutor teacher' to you, read the same copy of ok! magazine again and again and draft a letter to Tyra Banks begging her to fly you and your friends to LA to be a guest on her show are interesting.
we played charades in modern. it was pretty much the highlight of the day since miss shanahan was obviously too exhausted to try her usual method of please-please-at-least-pretend-to-be-doing-work-and-ill-supply-you-with-copious-amounts-of-chocolate, and let us do nothing but make idiots of ourselves for the entire lesson.
as usual, we began with what she attempted to make an 'educational' game, and ended up screaming with laughter over the fact that beth was named Urine Baby in celebrity heads.
im really going to miss modern.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
and i know what you're all thinking, and thats probably something about how much of a hypocrit i am for listening to nova on account of the fact that i spend most of my time ranting about how stupid nova is, since they have freaks on in the middle of the day who play hardly any music and only talk about what colour gstring they wore on the weekend, but shut up because 2dayfm was playing a dillion hours of ads and besides, cals accent is hilarious to listen to.
so i listened to nova.
anyway. NOT the point.
the point is that on this fateful afternoon, they just happened to be exploring the world of technological addictions.
and i had my mobile. and they said the number. and i dialed the number, and the phone rang and what followed was so exciting i can only write about it in dialogue form:
voice: hey whats your addiction to technology?
me: im addicted to stalking wentworth miller over the internet!
voice: ok what does that mean?
me: you know? wentworth miller? because he's my husband!!
voice: ok ill give you a call back...(hangs up)
me: ok! (pause) hey did you hang up???
catherine: haha you are the worlds biggest loser
me: shut up no im not
catherine: they hung up on you
me: (ignoring catherine) ok ive got another one!! (dials again)
voice: hey whats your addiction to technology?
me: im addicted to blogging!
voice: ok whats your name?
voice: and how old are you jacki?
voice: ok hang on (connects me to the radio)
me: ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh (listens to callers before me)
catherine: (turning radio up)
me: DONT TURN THE RADIO UP!!
catherine: (gives me a look of utter disgust)
(at this point my phone, being my phone, cuts out)
me: what? WHAT? no! NO!!!!!
catherine: it probably costs a fortune anyway
me: i dont care!!
(we arrive home. i run inside and grab the home phone, much more reliable than the pink plastic covered piece of crud that is my mobile)
me: (dialing phone furiously) everyone shut up!
dad and catherine: (looking confused) we didnt say anything!
me: nova! nova!
voice: hey whats your addiction to technology?
me: my phone cut out and i called before and i was the blogger, i like blogging, let me back on!!!
me: jacki, im 17, im addicted to blogging
voice: ok hang on (connects me to radio)
me: woo! im back on! im back on!
achmal: we'll take some more callers now, who are all in with a chance to win tickets to see justin timberlake, jacki, whats your addiction to technology?
me: i can win tickets to justin timberlake? OHMIGOSH!!
achmal: whats your addiction?
me: oh im addicted to blogging! i blog all the time
achmal: like where you write on the internet? why whats the appeal?
me: like i can write anything about anything and people listen.
achmal: yeah thats pretty -
me: (interrupting) and like i went to this 18th once and there were people there who read my blog and i didnt know them! so theres the stalking factor as well. you guys should read it. www.jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com
cal: yeah maybe sometime hahaha, so next caller...
and so on and so forth
and even though i didnt win the justin timberlake tickets (which went to some lady whose phone could tell her the name of the songs playing on the radio if she held it up to the speaker), it was totally worth it since now pretty much all of sydney knows my blog address.
im on my way to national domination, i can feel it.
oh. and i also entered a competition to win a walk on role in Home and Away. it was an eventful afternoon.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
three fateful years ago, on this very day, i discovered the beauty, the wonder, the magnificence, the way to publish every insane thought in my twisted mind so that they might be available for not just my friends (or rather, the people who put up with all the insane thoughts in my twisted mind), but for every person out there who might be equal to myself in utter derangement.
and while unfortunately im yet to find someone as unbalanced as myself (perhaps with the exception of jimi), its nevertheless a comfort to know that there is always someone who will listen to what i think about when im on the toilet.
so, in celebration of three faithful years of blogging (ok maybe not so faithful in the windows-live-space era), i give you:
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
if mrs fletcher could see me now, im pretty sure she wouldnt hesitate to remove my face from my head, on account of the fact that while the other studious students of roseville college have spent the last 24 hours working diligently in preparation for the upcoming modules exam (10 hours to go), ive done what pretty much amounts to consuming a whole bag of crispy mnms, uploading every photo of wentworth miller i have onto my phone, and watching Titanic.
ive resigned myself to the idea that if i dont know it by now, ill never know it.
actually thats a lie. ive resigned myself to the idea that i dont know it, and no longer care about knowing it, because shakespeare is a dick.
you know if you think about it, its really mrs fletchers fault that im going to fail. if she didnt have such a soft voice, i wouldnt find it so hard to stay awake in class, and then i would actually know what im talking about!! ok, maybe not, but at least i would know who yeats is. so yeah. thanks alot mrs fletcher. or rather, whatever made mrs fletchers voice so soft. which im guessing is something to do with dna or chromosomes or some scientific stuff. so yeah, thanks alot science. or rather, On Giants Shoulders, since thats related to science and english.
And yeah, it doesnt really make sense to be blaming On Giants Shoulders for mrs fletchers soft voice, but ive gotten to that point during an exam period where unless you're blaming On Giants Shoulders for all your life problems, your head explodes.
so let me.
also, might i add that tomorrow marks the day that ive been blogging for 3 years?
prepare for festivities
Monday, August 06, 2007
the highlight was probably me actually finishing in time to sit back and remember sarah's promise that she would cut off her own tongue and staple it to Mr Mackay's tie if the essay question required more than one additional text of our own choosing. fortunately for Mr Mackay, it didnt. not that i had one anyway.
actually i almost wanted them to ask for 2, so that i could throw something completely obscure and inappropriate in there to give the teachers a laugh. not that i havent already given them a laugh with most of my past assessments. and not that i wont be giving them more laughs, seeings as im using Prison Break as one of my power play texts because i feel an obligation to, on account of the fact that i will one day marry Wentworth Miller.
in hindsight i suppose it wasnt terribly bad. at least i have to keep telling myself that on account of the fact that Paper 2 is going to be horrendous on a level that will make Paper 1 look like a year 7 geography project.
bring on yates. yeats. yaets?
yep. im in trouble.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
i know what you're thinking.
big brother? jacki, thats low, even for you.
i know! im sorry! but anyone who's anyone knows that i have the most addictive personality in the world, and i cant watch or eat or listen to anything without becoming instantly addicted to it. so big brother is a big problem for me. its not that i want to watch it. i cant stop!
anyway, turns out it was totally worth probably failing ancient for, on account of the fact that i just happened to tune in at the exact same moment that someone from the crowd decided to hurl a gold object (which looked suspiciously like a stiletto heel) at gretel killeens head.
see this is why i love live tv. and big brother. in no other circumstance would i be able to drown the sorrow and pain of trials in the fact that I JUST SAW GRETEL KILLEEN GET HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A GOLD SHOE. classic.
and you have to love the talented camera men, who switched angles and started filming the irish DJ just as miss killeen opened her mouth to crack a giant shit at whoever threw the high heel.
you know what all of a sudden i dont feel so bad for watching big brother.
funny how that worked out.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
no point at all.
when you do french, what do you do? you learn how to speak french.
when you do german, what do you do? you learn how to speak german.
when you do japanese, what do you do? well, if you're me, then you fail. but for everybody else, you LEARN HOW TO SPEAK JAPANESE!
i know how to speak english. i know how to read english. i do english good.
so why do i need to know the ways in which the values from some mouldy old jane austen story from twenty thousand years ago are translated into a semi-modern society through the use of characterisation and symbols and whatever other crap it says in the handout.
i weep. english sucks. it wouldnt suck so much if the texts we did were actually half-decent, but as it is, they arent. they suck. and not just the regular kind of suck. the suckiest kind of suck.
and its not like i havent tried to improve the situation. oh no. i sat at my computer for no less than 5 hours on sunday attempting to bend an episode of prison break towards the 'power play' elective. Then after patting myself on the back for doing "a whole 5 hours of study!" i realised id been doing less actual studying and more actual drooling over wentworth miller. again.
ah, such is life.
i would blog more, but laziness, as per usual, has got the better of me.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
and so i did.
and then i read it.
and then i laughed.
for all of those who HAVENT finished the book yet, i can say only this: there is no need to worry.
of all the things i have read so far, only one thing is true, and its so insignificant that you probably all knew it anyway. the rest is complete crap.
and now onto my rant about people who attempt to spoil harry potter.
why why would you? i cant even fathom the idea. and i can fathom heaps of things. oh yeah. i fathom. i fathom good.
i can even fathom the idea of not liking harry potter. oh, i pity you greatly should you find the need to diss harry and his wonderous band of followers, but i can at least fathom the idea.
but people who spoil it? i mean, you obviously like it, otherwise you wouldnt go to so much effort as to illegal obtain a copy, read the whole thing in less than 24 hours, and then post the ending on the internet for millions of unsuspecting victims to fall upon. you wouldnt go to so much effort if you didnt even like harry would you?
and if you like harry potter, obviously you know the joy and wonder that it brings others who love harry potter. so why would you want to ruin that? why? why why? its just cruel. its just sad. its just mean.
its just rude.
if harry potter were real (and i havent completely ruled out that possibility yet), i would suggest to my good friend j.k rowling to write the next book (should there be a next book) in a special kind of ink, with special kinds of qualities, so that if someone reads it and attempts to spoil it for someone else, their eyes go so cross-eyed that they cant read and their mouth pushes up into their nose so they have to breathe out of their ears and they cant talk about harry potter ever again.
yes i think that would be sufficient.
so to the spoilers.
um. can you not?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
for at this very moment i should be watching prison break.
why arent i, i hear my fellow prison break fans asking??
well i guess you arent really prison break fans. because if you were, you would know perfectly well that since prison break finished last week and wont be coming back until AT LEAST SEPTEMBER, i have NOTHING to watch.
well thats not true. i do have season 2 on dvd. but alas, for i am continually mocked for having watched every episode at least three times (the season final is actually standing on eighteen times at the moment), so im trying to retain whats left of my dignity by restraining myself from..
screw you guys, im going to watch it.
the only negative thing is that im still running on my holiday sleeping/eating pattern, which basically consisted of eating whenever i wanted, and sleeping whenever i wanted (usually between 4 in the morning and 230 in the afternoon)
so there i was at 1am on tuesday morning, 5 hours before i would have to get up and go to school, standing in the freezing kitchen cooking myself dinner, trying to ignore the constant calls of 'jacki shut UP!' coming from my parents bedroom.
i am so unappreciated.
on a more positive note, in a mere 10 hours, i will be free from the hideousness that is my major work!!
Monday, July 16, 2007
anyway then i decided to look at julias old blog, which was also fun, because there were lots of blogs about all the crazy crap we used to get up to when we were crazy youngens, anyway most of the posts were actually about the oc, so then i decided to blog about the oc because i am lame and unoriginal and i cant think of what to blog about for myself, and isnt there something called postmodernism which means you cant write anything that hasnt already been written about, so theres no point in trying to be original anyway?
so while you might think im actually plagerising (or however you spell that hideous word) Julia's ideas, im actually just educating you all on postmodernism, so mr watson, you should buck up and give me an extension history medal or something.
so yeah, basically since arena is the most awesome channel ever, they play the oc, and they just started playing season 3 (after repeating the first 2 seasons, oh, i dono, one DILLION times), and since i LOVE season 3, i was all, 'woo yeah, season 3, im so there', and got all excited about being able to watch the oc again, but then arena decided that theyre not going to put the oc on til 11.15pm.
so now i have to sit around and procrastinate for like a whole FORTY MINUTES waiting for the oc to come on.
in other news, did you know theres a prison break magazine? and i am not even kidding. who knew there were people out there as freakishly addicted to prison break as i am? not i. not i.
after eric bana. who is also a sexy sexified sex-machine.
and so by default, i am also the luckiest person in the world on account of the fact that i now have someone to chauferre me around sydney and not get angry at me when i ask for lifts, like all the other people i employ to drive me around (cough JESS cough CATHERINE)
so basically we, the three of us, julia eric and myself (and also julias front passenger seat which i have named sabrina) are destined to have many misadventures, not that we havent already had some.
basically the main issue is that julia and i never have any idea where we are going (proved by that time we tried to drive to macquarie and ended up in epping, or that time we tried to drive home from macquarie and ended up in pymbal), and we are too obsessed with erics hornable horn, and also i am the most annoyingly distracting person in the universe and its a miracle that i havent caused a car crash to date.
but yes. what was the point of this blog? oh yes, julias car is excellent. not as excellent as julia, but there is definitely a satisfactory level of excellence.
and i know what you're thinking
you're thinking 'how can any shower on earth possibly be any worse than that time jacki had a shower and the hot and cold labels on the taps were switched, so she didnt know what was going on and ended up scalding her entire body?'
well you're right. this shower wasnt that bad.
but it was still pretty bad.
first of all, the shower radio ran out of batteries. which might not seem like such a big deal to you normal, regular, non-freak, stands-completely-still-the-entire-time-theyre-in-the-shower people, but listen.
im not normal. im not regular. im a freak, and i certainly dont stand still the entire time im in the shower.
oh no. no no. i like to get down. i like to boogie. i like to get my freaking groove on, since dancing in the shower is pretty much the only exercise i get.
but how am i supposed to get my freak on without my shower radio, my precious source of water-proof music?
so there i was, sulkingly dancing, music-less, in the shower, when i realised...
hey. the soap isnt in the soap dish.
where, oh where, could that pesky soap be?
as i was wondering this, i stepped on the soap, (which had, in case you were wondering, fallen onto the floor, and oh-so-conveniently slid under my foot), and fell backwards through the door, hitting my elbow on the towel rack and my head on the sink, before collapsing into a bedraggled heap on the floor.
anyway after i managed to untangle my limbs, i got back into the shower, finished washing as quickly as i could, and got out, only to find that someone left my very very expensive (at $8.45) dove body lotion which i love oh so very much OPEN so that it had DRIED UP and i couldnt put any on and begin smelling like a spring-fresh petal.
so basically i was deprived of my favourite part of shower time.
anyway, i had to put on some body shop oceanus body lotion, which im assuming is from the stone age, since i found it in the cupboard under the sink, and anyone who's anyone knows that catherine and i never look in the cupboard under the sink on account of the fact that we put things in the cupboard under the sink for a reason, and that reason is that they smell like a graveyard.
so now im cold, cranky, unfit (from my lack of dancing in the shower), and i also smell like a graveyard.
crappy, crappy shower
Thursday, July 12, 2007
starting the new role of toilet paper
no matter what brand or colour, or how many plys, its like, the worst part of my day, always
you know what i mean?
on a new toilet role, the edge of the paper is always glued down with that weird crusty stuff, and you have to pull it off to 'get the ball rolling' as they say?
well whenever i try to pull it off, i either pull off the wrong side, so that i only get ONE MEASLY SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER to use, or i pull too much off, so all the pieces of toilet paper have huge holes ripped in them and everyone gets all shirty with me
i mean really
why would the toilet paper people do this to me? they seemed so nice! they have such a cute puppy! its just not right!
well i say we all take a stand against starting the new role of toilet paper, so whenever there only a new role to use, you just have to grin and bare it my friends.
just grin and bare it.