Monday, October 30, 2006
most giant breakthrough ever today, ever ever ever
well FIRST of all, this morning i found out that my friend knows ewan mcgregors nephew
as if that wasnt exciting enough, today at lunch, when we were talking about the horror i experienced on friday night when watching Cold Mountain and seeing the unexpected naked scene by Nicole Kidman, a conversation sparked about how Nicole Kidman has probably been naked in my house like a dillion times, on account of the fact that she used to live here, and how she probably walked around naked and watched tv naked and fed the cat naked and sat on the toilet naked
this last one sparked another random tangent, one about how on account of the fact that Nicole Kidman used to live in my house, she would have sat naked on the very same toilet that i have sat naked on (well, close to naked...naked from the waist down), which of course freaked me out to the point of insanity, until Julia realised that...
OHMIGOSH nicole kidmans naked-from-the-waist-down body has sat on the very same toilet as my naked-from-the-waist-down body
and you know what else nicole kidmans naked-from-the-waist-down body has done?
PRETTY MUCH HAD ONE ON ONE CONTACT WITH EWAN MCGREGORS PENIS
have i had sex with ewan mcgregor?
well it doesnt matter!
because this means that we are totally meant for each other, and will get married and have a dillion dillion babies called Mcgewan or Treajack
on my way home i have to walk past this bit near a golf course, and it is like a wood
i didnt even know woods actually existed apart from in movies like Frankenstein, but hey, apparently they do
and anyway, this just happens to be the same wood where that freak-o granny killer killed all those grannies like whenever, and i am totally NOT lying about this since i saw it once on this documentary on tv
its true. so shut up
anyway when i walk past this bit of wood i always try to not look anywhere near it, since i figure, if some killer is hiding in there, and they see me walk past looking, and they think im looking at them, theyll think
why is she looking at me? she must be a detective! ill kill her!
and then theyll come me. so its safer not to look, because then i wont be a witness to their violent attacks.
the problem is, i swear, like everytime i walk past this wood, which, by the way, is on the side of a highway, which every car in the world drives down, suddenly ALL THE CARS DISSAPEAR, and im ALL ALONE, IN FRONT OF A WOOD, WHERE THE GRANNY KILLER KILLED PEOPLE, AND IS PROBABLY WAITING TO KILL ME TOO!
back to the story
today, when i was walking past the wood, all the cars dissapeared, as usual, and i succumbed to the temptation to look into the wood, and what did i see?
what did i see?
and then i looked a little bit harder, and what did i see?
a body bag
yeah, thats right
A FREAKING BODY BAG
and did that body bag have some mauled person in it?
im just saying
and then i had to run the whole way home of course, because if i stayed there one second longer i probably would have ended up in a body bag aswell, and when i got home this is what happened:
mum: hi, how was your day?
jacki: oh it was fine
mum: thats good
jacki: except that i saw a BODYBAG!
mum: a body bag? where?
jacki: in the woods! i saw a bodybag in the woods!
mum: what woods? since when have you been anywhere near a wood? what are you on?
this is what i get
theyll be sorry when i end up in some wolf-creek wannabe movie
it was so bad
so so bad
so julia goes
"it smells in here"
and i go
"yeah, smells like old"
and then we both turned at the same time to look dissaprovingly at this little old lady sitting in the corner
it was such a beautifully unchoreographed moment of hilarity
Friday, October 27, 2006
lets have a moment of silence to commemorate the fact that we'll never again bludge our way through and entire years worth of gym..
but seriously. how is it that we manage to get ourselves into the same situation every year?
however we do it, once we get over the initial grudge of having to actually show up/compete, the rest of the day is totally fun, pretty much us running around trying to find the questacon exhibition we found once in year eight and snuck into (i think illegally - shh!), watching hot hot hot jamie doing hot hot hot pushups with his hot hot hot body in the hot hot hot foam pit, chasing emmy around for several hours and getting her to admit that she loves us, pissing off whalley/beth/selig/osborne/emmy/every other person of authority in the entire sports centre, using the staff only entrances whenever possible, finding the infamous 'ice hallway', sneaking into a conference private box thingie at some hockey arena and almost accidentally-on-purpose interrupting their top secret conference thingie, paying out people for being able to do freaking stuff that we cant do, pretending that we're elite rythmic gymnasts and 'training' outside on the grass, sunbaking out the front of the sports centre, and finding/chasing/watching the huge collection of people that we have proceeded to stalk over the past few years at igssa
which all made up pretty much the best day ever, even though it was shadowed by the fact that i was wearing the worst pair of undies in the world.
i didnt know they made undies that could be saggy and high-cut at the same time
but im wearing the proof
Thursday, October 26, 2006
hilarious yesterday at the shore pd day, which actually turned out to be quite fun and not so awkward at all
apart from the whole thing with queenwood being there, and totally cramping the rosevillians style
while the whole day was enjoyable ill just give you the highlights:
- catered recess, with actual caterers and home baked treats, not like roseville where theyd just crack open the Arnotts Family Pack Assorted, a bottle of red cordial, and shove us all in D03 or something
- chapel, with an actual chapel, not like roseville where we pretend our multi multi purpose hall with stained glass window is a chapel
- having speeches in actual auditoriums, not like at roseville where we have to stack our own chairs and leave
- sitting on the lawn, made of actual grass, not like at roseville where everything living dies as soon as we touch it, causing the school to cover every surface in either fake tennis court material crap or concrete
- looking at the harbour bridge, an actual view, not like at roseville where the only thing you see when you look out into the horizon is the crane sitting in the middle of the giant muddy hole that used to be our locker room
- having conversations, with actual boys, not like at roseville where the only male interaction we get is with mr obrien, who tells us of his adventures with the notorious "jemma", and;
- seeing food on the ground actually being picked up by someone and put into a bin, not like at roseville where you see food on the group being picked up by someone and eaten by them
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
shut up, all you people who invented that stupid stupid stupid msn virus, im coming to stab you since i got it like 10 dillion times and then everyone was like what the hell, whats with the msn virus, and i was like SHUT UP its not me, and then like everyone else got it and was like yeah it wasnt me, and im like shut up you said it was me when it wasnt me!
so shut up you whores!
and we should all storm the msn virus centre or wherever those lameheads that make up msn viruses live, and we can maul them
and i dont mean the sexual maul
i mean that bad kind of maul
and then theyll be sorry that they ever invented the stupid whorish lamish stupid Trojan horse BackDoor.Generic3.RTF or whatever its called
and then they wont be able to make ANY MORE stupid viruses because theyll be too busy getting mauled by me
and also they will have no arms and legs
because i have mauled them off
with my face
SERIOUSLY?! what is with these people? dont they have anything better to do than maul my computer and everyone elses computer practically in the world
to stab their heads off
and then, oh yes, and then im going to make up a virus with my head and put it into their computers face and then theyll have to download some stupid virus program and scan their computer like ten dillion times and not be able to go on msn because people keep mauling them
those lameheads lames are going to be so sorry
also, i would like to acknowledge the fact that i love emmy
because i havent said so in a while
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
like a week ago i thought i would be ready to go back to school when the time came
organised. well nourished. lots of sleep. full of energy
except that not, because as eveyrone knows im the least organised person on the planet, who never gets enough sleep, naps in english, and doesnt even know the meaning of the word "nourishment"
basically i thought even if i have no new folders or paper or pens, i havent read emma and i cant even remember how to do pythagoras, at least ill be able to keep myself awake in english if i have a good night sleep, except that somehow my sister convinced me to drink almost 2 litres of coke before i went to bed, equals instead of getting the beauty sleep i needed, i was up until 230 in the morning with her, dancing with the cat, jumping on the bed, and plotting ways to get back at the selig woman.
anyway finally catherine went to bed, trouble was that there was still some coke left, and i wasnt exactly thinking about the consequences, so 3 cups later, there i was, wrapped in a red blanket and hanging in catherines doorway singing about "johnny brown" i think it was.
so by the time i finally fell asleep, it was pretty much time to wake up anyway.
and go to school
seven weeks, and counting
Monday, October 16, 2006
again i have been brutally attacked by a spider that was trying to kill me because it is the destiny of every spider on the planet to attack me and kill me
because its like their job
spiders were put on this world to attack and kill jacki trew
spiders and maths teachers
anyway catherine, my hero, saved me from the killer spider which is now lying dead at the top of the stairs so i cant go downstairs because its blocking the path and theres no way i can jump over it because what if it comes back to life and jumps onto the back of my neck?
and then ill fall down the stairs and end up at the bottom.
And even if im not dead then, someone in my house will probably be like
a crazy person falling down the stairs!!!
and light me on fire or something, and then ill run out to the pool and jump in, to stop myself from being on fire.
But then even if i didnt die from being on fire then the shark that i think is hidden in the bottom of the pool will probably be released from its underpool cage and will eat half of my body off.
And even if im not dead then, ill probably be so disorientated from the blood loss that ill trip over my face and get impaled on my dads drill or something
And even if im not dead then, and someone comes to rescue me, it will probably be Ewan, because we are destined, and i will die from the sight of him because he is the sexiest man in existance.
And even if im not dead then, the spider will still be on the back of my neck and it will bite me with its face and i will be killed.
so, to sum up, all spiders are trying to kill me.
so the plan is, is that i meet ewan mcgregor who is hung like a bus, and i mean a bus
like a bus
and then he is so sexy that if he brought sexyback with anyone else then the whole world would explode because of sexy overload on one persons part but then we are destined so when i bring sexyback with him then sexy isnt an overload in a bad way
but overload in a good way
so then sexy goes all over the whole universe and jacki and ewan bring sexyback
we are the bringers back of sexy
Monday, October 09, 2006
but still despite these things she is the coolest bum ever who i shall maul next time i see her becoz of the whole forgetting-of-birthday thing
and you better enjoy it alex
and you better maul be back
and it will be oh-so-enjoyable, almost as enjoyable as the time you spend mocking me and my blog, which i know you secretly love, otherwise why would you read it?
you know im right baby
and so, in a loving tribute to you, alex, alex k, k-dog, doggy-dog, kerrmeister, the kerr, k-shiz, alex nizzle, nizzle kerrizzle, whatever whatever, i present...
Saturday, October 07, 2006
u no what i just realised?
why does ANYBODY like jennifer lopez?
i mean, seriously, why?
why why why?
her songs SUCK. seriously. she sucks. sucks hairy porn star balls.
listen to this:
Play, come on
Play that song
Play it all night long
Just turn it up and turn me on
Play, come on dj
Play that song
You that it turns me on
Just turn it up and turn me on
JENNIFER LOPEZ, YOU GENIUS!!!
who would have ever thought that song and long ryhme? thats the best thing ive ever heard in my life!
oh but wait, it gets better!
the last two lines - when you ryhmed on with on?
YOU SUCK HAIRY BALLS
seriously even i, without a single creative bone in my creative-less body could thing of something better than that
so, jennifer lopez, go die in a whole filled with award for making the crappest songs in the world because they are so crap
yes yes yes
that is all
Thursday, October 05, 2006
and it was so awesome
but not awesome enough to give you a play-by-play of, so ill just tell you the highlight of the day, which had to be the paying out of Sair because of some of the music she had on her ipod, which included:
- the soundtrack of One Night The Moon
- Hillary and Haylie duff, and (wait for it)
- The Pussycat Dolls
anyway the best part was when me and julia had to get the bus home, but when we got to the bus stop, there were about 100 people waiting in line, and of course, we were at the back, which sparked the conversation of how all these people waiting for the bus were judging us because we were last in line, and how we wished we were at the front of the line so we could get on the bus first and sit up the back and judge everyone else.
then of course we got the idea that if we didnt catch the bus that everyone was lining up for now, then we could be first in line for the next bus to come, and then our dream of sitting up the back and being able to judge everyone else on the bus would finally be realised!!! only of course our plan was foiled because when waiting for the bus, we decided that we were too cool to sit in the actual bus stop, so we went around the corner to wait, and when we realised that the bus was here, and ran back arund to the bus stop, there was another line waiting to get on, and this one was even longer than the first one, and we were at the back
the back. the very back
so i just have to say shut up because if you dont then i will be behind you for eternity, judging you, or the ghost of judging will be doing that for me in memory of the time i didnt get to judge everyone else from the back of the bus
so watch out
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
so dont even knock on my door, say say
because im not home because YOU ARE SO LAME
why do you even come on my blog if you are so stupid that you cant even be bothered to not be stupid?
like yeah. hell yeah julia
so i think what julia should do is become one of those stupid people except NOT be stupid (oh i bet you didnt see that one coming) and leave comments on their lame blogs about how lame they are
and then they will realise their lameness and go write songs about it
but no one will listen to them because they will be so lame
except possibly me, just so i can laugh at them and say
'your songs are so lame dude'
and then they shall weep
today was horrible in everyway possible
firstly i was woken up early by the sound of my cat attempting to lick the skin off my face, which was heinous, just heinous, especially since me trying to get her off me only made her more determined to make my face look like a raw piece of meat
then i spent most of the day running away from the sewing machine since it was trying to maul me the entire time. like seriously, i would be innocently sitting on the couch and then i would hear some weird whirring roaring noise, turn around, and there it would be, the killer sewing machine, just waiting to stitch me to that weirdly coloured rug my mum bought.
then because my mum has seriously not gone food shopping for like the last 100 years, there was nothing to eat in our whole house except an old piece of watermelon, which ive now been chewing on for the last, lets see, four and a half hours
and i know what you're thinking, you're thinking well why didnt you go buy your own food, ass
well shut up because ive spent so much of my own money this year that i am actually broke, like so broke and so much of a homeless bum that i think my parents are considering throwing me out of the house because im giving the family a bad name
its so lame
also my pajama pants fell apart today
i think that was the suckiest part
Sunday, October 01, 2006
and ive gotta tell you
im feeling the testosterone
but seriously though
so much manliness in one weekend
im ready for my oestrogen thanks
and it wasnt just watching the manly sports either, i mean, at sairs we fully had a bbq for dinner, and really, is there any food that is more manly than a bbq, if there is then i havent found it yet, and neither has anyone else because there is no such thing
so shut up
but i think the thing that cancelled out a little of the manliness was the fact that they all cried when the lost
the butch men sport manly men sport players i mean
like one guy was actually sobbing on the ground
theres nothing like seeing a 300 kg manbeast that could kill a normal sized person just by looking at them reduced to a teary mess on the ground