Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Something I Can’t Believe I did:
Something I Regret:
My job choice
Something I Did That I’d Do Again:
Got a tattoo
Something I Did That I’ll Never Do Again:
Spend $3000 in 4 minutes
Something I Discovered I Love:
Something I Realise I Hate:
Folding clothes for a living
Something I Finally Accomplished:
Getting on TV
Something I Wish I’d Accomplished:
Meeting Wentworth Miller
In 2008, My Favourite…
· Song was: Midnight Train by Journey
· Food was: Mint Chocolate Chip Icecream
· TV Show was: Prison Break
· Singer was: Michael Jackson
· Movie was: Dirty Dancing
· Colour was: Yellow
· Drink was: Orange Juice and Coke mixed together
· Phrase was: ‘Disco Fabulous!’
· Day was: Wednesday
· Book was: Persuasion by Jane Austen
· City was: Seattle
· Smell was: MaDame by Jean Paul Gaultier
In 2008, The Best New…
· Song was: Talk Like That by The Presets
· Book was: The Twilight Series (sorry Kiera)
· Movie was: Tropic Thunder
· Thing I Bought was: $4 sunglasses from New York
· Internet Feature was: Facebook Chat
In 2008, The Worst New…
· Song was: Any of Britney’s new ones
· Book was: The Guiness Book of World Records, because it’s in 3D now, so every time I turn the page there’s some huge spider coming right at me
· Movie was: 10,000 BC (according to the Hirst family – I’m yet to experience it)
· Thing I Bought was: A bottle of Chinotto…wait maybe that was in 2007…whatever, it was so bad it’ll be the answer to this question for the rest of my life
· Internet Feature was: Um…Oh I know! The fact that nobody goes on MSN anymore…while, ironically, is probably because of my favourite new internet feature (Facebook Chat)
In 2008, I Had The Best Time…
In 2008, My Guilty Pleasure Was…
Shopping and Gossip Girl
In 2008, The Best Thing I Saw On YouTube Was…
5 Things I Did For The First Time In 2008…
· Went to Europe
· Had stitches
· Got a tattoo
· Dyed my own hair
· Lived with 5 boys
5 Things I Saw For The First Time In 2008…
· Tyra Banks – LIVE!!
· Times Square
· The movie ‘Whisper’
· Bones and Booth finally hooking up
· A ‘guy playing a guy, pretending to be another guy’
The 2008 Awesome List
· Prison Break Season 4
· The Presets
· Those gladiator sandals that everyone is obsessed with
· My computer deciding to work again
· Home and Away being on YouTube
· Having money to spend
· A summer that actually feels like summer
· The Rachel Zoe Project
The 2008 Not-So Awesome List:
· The thong tan I had last summer
· Ric Dolby’s hair
· Having a job
· Paris Hilton coming to Sydney for New Year’s
· That sorry excuse for The Rosevillian
· My dog becoming increasingly more senile
And summing up…
The Best Thing I Did In 2008 Was…
Re-enacting that scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where Heath Ledger sings ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’ to Julia Stiles – On the very same stadium stairs where the movie was filmed.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
catherine: Alright, I'll just get my -
jacki: Thats right, comparty. I mixed the words computer and party together. See how I did, see how I came up with that?
catherine: (sighs) Yes. I get it. And for the third time, please stop explaining all your jokes to me.
jacki: I just want to make sure you know how funny I am.
catherine: Whatever. So let the "comparty" begin.
(10 minutes of absolute silence, the only noise being our fingers on the keyboards)
jacki: So...I'm probably going to go. Good talk though.
catherine: Well you weren't talking either!!
(Silence continues. Is broken when I make a clicking sound with my earring)
catherine: (Makes a face)
jacki: Did you hear that? (Dramatically) It was the bones in my ear shattering!!
catherine: You dont have bones in your ears.
jacki: You have cartilage.
catherine: But you said bone.
jacki: Well I meant cartilage.
catherine: Well how was I supposed to know that?!
jacki: I'm telling you right now.
catherine: Well you didn't tell me before.
jacki: (Tiring of the argument) Well thank goodness you corrected me.
catherine: Admitting you're an idiot.
jacki: You're an idiot aswell sometimes!
catherine: Oh yeah, like when?
jacki: Like the other day, when you were telling me about those ATM robbers, who blow up ATMs and take all the money?
catherine: Yeah? And?
jacki: And you said they had stolen over 5 million dollars worth of money?
catherine: (Pauses) Yeah? So?
jacki: 5 million dollars worth of money? Its not 5 million dollars worth of money! Its 5 million dollars...END OF SENTENCE!!
catherine: Oh yeah, that was kind of stupid
hahaha. we suck.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Let me explain.
Usually I'm pretty ok on the phone. 5 months of on-and-off secretary work will do that to you. I mean, I'm no call centre operator or anything, but most of the time I can have a conversation with any random without any awkwardness.
Phone call one:
Jacki: Hello, Jacki speaking
Random: Hi this is Heath from harris technology, is Phillip there please?
Jacki: No he's at work, can I take a message?
Heath: This is just regarding the Lenovo notebook he dropped off to be repaired
Jacki: Uh huh
Heath: Its ready to be picked up, I just need to give Phillip some details before he comes to get it...blah blah blah (rants for like 10 minutes about some crap)
Jacki: Ok, great, thanks
- This is where it got awkward. See, I thought Heath was going to continue talking, so instead of saying 'Bye', 'See you soon', whatever, I just stayed silent. But apparently Heath was done talking. So he stayed silent.
(Massive awkward pause. I'm not even kidding. It was like 40 freaking seconds).
Ok so at this point its too weird to say anything, right? So I just had to hang up! Without even saying goodbye! I HATE doing that.
Whatever. I could get over it. This was a one time thing, right?
Phone call two:
Random: University of New South Wales Service Desk, this is Janet speaking, how may I help you?
Jacki: Oh, hi, I was wondering if you could help me, I forgot my online uni ID, so I just tried all these random ones and now I've been locked out of the system. (Yes, this really happened. Yes, I am an idiot. But its another story for another day.)
Janet: (Probably fighting the urge to laugh) Ok sure. What we do is, we unlock all the accounts at the same time, so I'll do that now, and you should be able to log in in about half an hour.
Jacki: Ok, cool, thanks!
Ok, this time I had no excuse. I mean, really. She had already said everything she needed to say. There was no way I could possibly think she was going to continue talking. And yet, once again, I stayed silent, and an awkward pause ensued.
Except this time it was even more awkward, because after the 45 seconds or whatever, she goes...
Like that. Like there was a question mark after it. Like she wasnt sure if I was mentally developed enough to know how to carry a normal phone conversation, and thought I needed to be reminded that once the discussion was over, you usually say goodbye and then hang up.
And I mean, rightly so.
Sigh. Hopefully this was just a two-time thing.
But just in case, nobody call me today.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Hmm. Alright, that was a lie. It's not really one of the MOST ANNOYING things in the world to me. I mean, top 100 for sure. But thats it. I just wanted to get your attention with capitals.
Anyway. Its true. Literally EVERY (again, not 100% true, but I think the capitals thing works) time I go for a walk, I get stopped by someone who cant find Kenneth Street.
Which really wouldnt be so annoying except that HELLO, its the BIGGEST street in Longueville.
AND LONGUEVILLE ONLY CONSISTS OF LIKE 4 STREETS.
Also the weird thing is that when I go for walks, I walk below Kenneth.
So you would think that, to get to where I am, people would have had to walk down the very street they are looking for.
What is this phenomonen? Do people not look at street signs anymore? Am I the only one who does that? It is totally 2007 to read street signs?
Or is everyone that lives outside of Longueville a complete moron?
Or is Kenneth Street actually part of a secret alternate universe, and the only people allowed in are the Longueville natives?
WHATS THE DEALIO, YO?
So apparently if you dont live in Longueville, Kenneth Street is invisible.
Or, you know, part of some alternate universe.
Oh, also, on a completely unrelated note, there is apparently some serial killer out there named Scott Peterson.
I dont know about you guys, but thats a little too close to Gilmore Girls' actor Scott Patterson for my liking.
Peter. Patter. COME ON!!!
Basically what I'm saying is that Luke is a murderer.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I probably should stop for a while, before I tap myself out, but not before I write at least one more post, partially because I'm waiting for Forrest Gump to come on and I'm bored, and partially because I think this might be the best story I've ever heard:
Ok so there are two policemen, we'll call them...Jack and Angelo.
So Jack and Angelo are working the late shift one night, and they get called to this busstop, where a bus is parked because one of the passengers is drunk and has started assaulting this woman. So they get on the bus, and the bus driver explains the situation, and also tells Jack and Angelo that this guy - the one who did the assaulting - is blind.
So they approach the blind guy, who is immediately suspicious. Jack is trying to put him in handcuffs, and he's all 'How do I know you're even a cop? Let me feel your badge!'.
Anyway, Jack lets him feel his badge, except then the crazy blind drunk guy grabs Jack's tie and punches him in the face.
So Jack and Angelo tackle the guy, and they're going to take him to the police station, only he's so drunk they think its probably better to take him to the hospital first. At the hospital, a nurse is taking some of his blood while he's handcuffed to the bed, and Jack and Angelo are waiting outside, and they decide they should do something to get back at this guy for punching Jack in the face.
So Angelo has an idea.
He waits until the nurse is out of the room, then he walks in, and puts on a stereotypical Indian accent, and says 'Hello, I am Dr Sanjaay, and I am here for the operation. I see that the nurse has already given you the sedative, so this should not take long and don't worry, you won't feel a thing."
Anyway, the blind guy is all 'What operation? What are you talking about?'
'Please, do not worry. You will be awake, but it will be virtually painless when we remove your leg.'
Now the blind guy is totally freaking out. Angelo - as Dr Sanjaay - starts saying 'With the sedative, the operation will just feel like someone rubbing a key back and forth on your leg.' So then he takes out his keys, and starts rubbing them on the blind guys leg. While he is doing this, the nurse walks in and sees, but because the blind guy was a total dick to her while she was taking his blood, she decides she doesn't care what these two cops do to him, and walks back out.
Anyway, Angelo finishes the 'operation', and then says 'Ok, I'm looking at your chart and it seems that I have removed the wrong leg. Don't panic, I'll just remove the right one now.'
A little bit later, the blind mans father comes in to pick him up, and first explains to Jack and Angelo how his son makes a bit of a habit out of getting drunk, and he has to pick him up almost every weekend, either from the hospital or some police station. He goes in to talk to his son, and when he comes out 5 minutes later, he says to Jack and Angelo 'Man, its even worse than usual. He's so drunk he thinks the doctors cut off his legs."
I think my favourite thing about this story is that it's true.
It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.
Recently, when I was holidaying in Greece, I made probably one of the most offensive jokes I have ever made:
(By the way, BusAbout was the tour group we were with, kind of like Contiki, only better. Suck it, Contiki.)
Julia: BusAbout is really good, don't you think?
Jacki: Yeah. Really good.
Julia: Good for meeting young people.
Jacki: Oh I know. Not that there are many old people here.
Julia: I think I saw some when I was in Oia with my parents.
Jacki: I wonder if they were on a tour group for old people.
Julia: (Laughing) What, like WheelchairAbout?
(Both of us laugh)
It doesn't really make much sense but when I read the description in the TV Guide* and saw that a) It starred Matthew McConaughey and b) It was set in England, I decided I had to watch it because I wanted to see Matthew McConaughey attempt a British accent.
Unfortunately I was dissapointed, whoever directed the movie decided he could keep his Southern drawl. They did make him go bald though, and his head is a pretty funny shape under all those greasy curls, so that almost made up for the lack of crappy accents.
I love it when actors attempt accents and fail.
The only reason I watched Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen that second time was so I could see Adam Garcia trying to be a Liverpool Rockstar again. Hilarious.
* Am I the only one who reads the TV Guide anymore? I'm starting to wonder why they even include it in the newspaper anymore, since Foxtel Digital made that On-TV-Program-Guide thingie. Whatever. I'm still loyal to the TV Guide, and not just because I love flipping through looking for pictures of Wentworth that I can cut out and stick on my mirror. Yes. Yes, I do that.
And then I thought, maybe not everyone hates Tom Cruise. I mean. Top Gun is a great movie, right? Maybe there's something wrong with me that I have this thing where I think that everyone hates Tom Cruise, except they dont, and thats why people look at me weirdly everytime I make fun of him.
So then I got a bit confused, and decided I needed some help, so I went to ask my mum. This is how the conversation went:
Me: What are your thoughts on Tom Cruise?
Mum: Tom Cruise is a dick.
I love my mum.
like, you know, for hotmail, or facebook, or whatever.
See the thing about me is that I have this thing where I always think that one day, somebody is going to figure out my passwords.
So of course I have to work extra hard to make them cute/funny/interesting, so that when that day comes along, whoever has figured it out will turn to me and say 'Oh my gosh, what a cute/funny/interesting password, you are so cute/funny/interesting. Lets be best friends forever!'
Only I figure that even though this person is smart - smart enough to figure out my password - theyre not smart enough to figure out all my passwords. So I make each one different. Well, until today. I decided its time to grow up, get more organised, and make all my passwords the same.
No, I lied.
Its mostly because I keep forgetting my passwords.
Ok so I've gone through every website I have a membership to, and finally I come to facebook. Anyway Im getting all excited and geared up because this is the last website password I have to change, except guess what?
According to facebook, you cant have a password if its a word thats in the dictionary.
Doesnt that mean the only kinds of passwords you can have are those ridiculous ones that websites assign to you before you log in for the first time and change them to your dogs name or whatever? like e561g900? surely this cant be for real!?
Except yeah, its for real.
I hate the internet.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Seriously, I used to think I might maybe may have some clue about it, but the more I hear about it, the more I am convinced I have no idea.
First of all, what sport does it even involve?
Football? Basketball? Bowling? I mean if you think about it, that last one makes the most sense.
Also, whats so super about it?
Hmm? Does it go for longer than a regular game of..bowl? Or are all the players supersized? Like, they are so jacked up on steroids that their necks are as thick as a regular persons thigh?
And also I gather that its on thanksgiving...or is it?
Because if it is, may I ask why?
Seriously. Because I've watched enough episodes of Friends to know that on Thanksgiving, Americans do nothing but eat.
I mean more than usual.
So why would they have the Super Bowl on TV on the same day that you're not supposed to do anything but sit and eat and pretend to be thankful that you live in America???
Dont you know how hard it is to eat and watch TV at the same time? I mean, unless you dont mind spilling food all over yourself. Otherwise its like, do I look at the TV? Do I look at my food? Because if I look at my food, I'm gonna miss the Super Bowl, but if I watch the Super Bowl, I'm gonna end up with hot turkey in my crotch and thats never good.
So please, someone, anyone.
So here goes.
This next post is all about me. Me.
Me me. Get it?
Four jobs I’ve had:
- Sales assistant at Bakers Delight. Ok I was like 14. Give me a break. Everyone wants to work at Bakers Delight when they're 14. And if you didnt, then you're a dickhead. And you're lying. I cant decide what the worst part of this job was - getting up at 5am on Saturday mornings to open the shop, getting severe burns from whatever industrial-strength cleaner they make me scrub the ovens with, or getting paid less than those kids who cycle around third world countries collecting coke cans. It was only made bearable by the free food and the fact that when people asked me what my job was, I got to tell them I was 'a delightful baker'.
- Pamphlet Deliverer. Which I actually did twice - once when I was young and innocent and unsuspecting and didnt know how heinous it would be, and then again when I was older and dumber and desperately seeking cash.
- Beauty Salon Receptionist. Slash babysitter for the boss's 6 year old twins. Slash emotional punching bag for Andrea, the 60-something-well-possibly-older-possibly-younger-you-cant-really-tell-on-account-of-the-fact-that-shes-had-so-much-plastic-surgery sales assistant.
- Sales Assistant at Blue Illusion. I would say more but I still work here, and there's the danger that my boss will (somehow) find this, read it, and fire my sorry ass.
- Dirty Dancing.
- Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. At my 10 year reunion I'm going to tell everyone I invented post-its.
- Moulin Rouge. Because I know all the words to every song and immensly enjoy singing them as loud as I can and slowly killing the neighbours. Also I love to watch it with people I've just met and pretend that since Nicole Kidman used to live in my house, she comes over all the time and we watch it together.
- The Wedding Singer. I belong in this movie.
- Greenwich. My parents were still building the house when my older sister was born, and I love reminding her that for the first few weeks of her life, she slept in a dusty hallway.
- Ok, this one time when I was mad at my mum and sister I built a shack out of boogieboards next to our pool and sat in it for 45 minutes.
- Prison Break. Hello, Wentworth.
- Bones. I feel like I'm getting smarter each time I watch it.
- Home and Away.
- Beauty and The Geek. Just. Just. Its brilliant.
- Lord Howe Island
- Monkey Mia. Yeah, theres a place called Monkey Mia. Suck it, bitches.
- Sushi. Except for this one time that I tried to make it at home, except we didnt have all the ingredients...or those wooden-rolling-thingies. Actually pretty much all I did was boil rice.
- Mint chocolate chip icecream. Also Wentworth's favourite dessert, which I guess means we'll be having it at our wedding. I mean lets face it, wedding cakes usually taste like crap anyway. Fruit cake? Thats gotta be an oxymoron.
- Special K. Especially the kind with the freeze-dried berries in it. You would think anything thats been freeze-dried would be totally gross, but this just works.
- Hotmail. Self-explanatory. Unless you're 100 and dont know what hotmail is.
- Sidereel.com. Prompting my Dad to ask "Why do you sit in front of the computer and watch TV on a tiny 2 by 4 inch screen, when you could be using the brand new LCD flat screen we bought?" Whatever, Dad. You just dont get it.
- Imdb.com. For my daily dosage of stalking.
- Perezhilton.com. Because I'm too cheap to actually buy trash magazines.
- You know what instead of answering this question I'm going to ponder why every answer had to be in sets of four? Seriously? Who wrote this thing? Did they have some OCD, connected with the number four? I saw this Bones episode once where there was a writer who had an OCD and had to do everything in lots of 13, and everyone thought he was the killer because, hello, OCD, crazy person, killer, but it turned out to be his mother, who also had the OCD-Number-13 thing, and ended up chopping off her sons head and hiding it under a birdbath in the backyard, and the only reason they figured it out was that there wasnt 13 birdbaths, there was only one. What was I talking about again?
And by normal I mean...well, boring!
I mean come on.
What happened to the good old days of two highschoolers falling in love and then finding out that they're actually half-siblings, or of a fugitive on the run from the law in South America finding his incarcerated brothers girlfriends decapitated head inside a mouldy cardboard box in the corner of some underground carpark?
I loved those days!!
Take this week of Home and Away for example. And I know nobody watches Home and Away anymore - save for me, Mel and my sister - but shut up because I've worshipped this show for the better part of my life, and when they start handing out awards for dedication to the Australian entertainment industry, well, we'll see who's laughing, wont we?
Anyway, this week is supposedly the final week for 2008, and what exciting adventures have they set up for the last episode?
A group of friends having to hide out in someone's basement as a drug-addicted serial killer stalks all of them in revenge for her late boyfriend who was accidentally run over by one of the townmembers?
2 former best friends who have to make amends when they are involved in a car crash, which shocks one of them into premature labour?
A woman's husband coming back from the dead, and visiting her and her young son at his birthday party, while disguised as a giant bear????
You know what we're going to get?
Melody's going to smoke weed. And maybe get run over.
Whatever. I mean, its not as if nobody's ever smoked weed on Home and Away before. Its practically a weekly occurance these days. And if she does get run over, she probably wont even die!
Oh and there's the whole Bridget-stole-Leah's-identity-so-she-could-set-up-a-bank-account-
I mean, really? An "exciting" storyline? About a bank?
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
- Mr Watson/ A cross between Hugh Grant and P Diddy
- Lauren Smith/ Amy Kuney (That chick who played a folk singer in one episode of Gilmore Girls)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
the thing is, my mum never seemed that interested in sending her first-born into a frenzy.
that is, until last night...
mum: Did Catherine call Meadowmist to book the animals in when we go to Lord Howe?
jacki: No! Even though she promised she would! can we tell her that because she forgot she's in big trouble?
mum: I know! Lets tell her that because she forgot to book them in, they lost their spot, and now she either has to find another kennel for them to stay in, or she has to stay home and look after them while the rest of us go to Lord Howe (laughs)
jacki: That genius! You know she also forgot to hang the washing out...
mum: Oh, thats easy. We'll tell her that I had to put the clothes in the dryer when I got home instead, and now she has to pay the whole months electricity bill.
jacki: (Shocked and impressed) Wow. Mum. I'm..shocked! And...Impressed!!
only - unfortunately for me - it turns out that my mum is capable of being equally evil towards both of her daughters...
jacki: (Clearly overjoyed at the prospect of torturing catherine) Hey, Chate, Mum says that your dinner is in the fridge, and she needs you to drive her to work tomorrow, oh and also because you forgot to book the animals into Meadowmist, you either have to find another kennel or stay home and look after them while the rest of us go to Lord Howe.
catherine: What?! I told Dad to book the animals in! He told me he did it!
jacki: (Momentarily stumped) Well...um...Mum says that he didn't do it, and its all your fault! Oh and she also said that because you didn't put the washing out, you have to pay this months electricity bill.
catherine: What the hell?
jacki: Because she had to use the dryer instead
catherine: I told Dad to book the animals in! And he told me he did it!
mum: Oh, thats ok then.
catherine: And the washing was dry, so I didnt think I needed to hang it out!!
mum: It so wasnt dry!
catherine: Well, do I really have to pay the electricity bill?!
mum: What? No!
catherine: But Jacki said...
mum: I don't know what you're talking about.
jacki: (Attempting to mouth 'The Plan! The Plan!!!' to Mum from behind Catherine's back)
catherine: (Turns around and see's me) Aha! This is just another one of your stupid tricks!! I knew it!!
jacki: No!! This time it was all Mum's idea, I SWEAR!!
mum: (Looking innocent) I have no idea what she's talking about
catherine: Jacki, you suck!!!
Monday, November 17, 2008
anyone whos anyone knows that like 3 years ago, when they were making that Superman movie with Kate Bosworth and that guy that nobody knows but who really really looks like a young Christopher Reeve, they filmed part of it at this huge house which is just down the road from where I live.
(sidenote: what the hell with Longueville and fame? Superman, Nicole Kidman, that one time they filmed an Oak Milk commercial at my bus stop?? CRAZY!!)
Anyway, what nobody knows, what I didnt even know until 16 minutes ago when I watched an interview with Brett Ratner and found out, is that Wentworth was actually IN LINE to play Superman.
I mean it.
It was like, between him and the Chris Reeve look-alike.
And, well, maybe like 300 other guys too, but whatever.
My point is, that the guy who actually ended up playing Superman was down the road from me.
In this big house.
For like a month.
With little to no security, because I mean, its LONGUEVILLE, the only people who live here are senior citizens who can't even make out the figures on the tv screen, or teenage boys, and lets face it, neither of those groups are likely to swarm a buff 20-something-year-old actor.
So where was I?
Oh yeah, the the guy who played Superman was down the road from me.
AND WENTWORTH WAS ALMOST THE GUY WHO PLAYED SUPERMAN.
and thats how I almost met Wentworth Miller.
Friday, November 14, 2008
"yeah, i know my dog is hideous. i know it, he knows it, the people who come to my house and comment on his hideousness know it. but there is a silver lining - he cant get any more hideous, right?"
and then i got home from work and discovered that my mum had (by order of the vet, just so you know my mum is not cruel and sadistic) taken the dog to Figtree today to get his front teeth removed.
i mean come on.
Alot of people have this thing where they think I'm crazy because I have all these "unjustified" fear and theories.
I mean, I'll admit sometimes (sometimes) it can get a little far fetched.
My fear of rubber gloves.
My inability to drive if there is even ONE other car on the road.
That theory I had that all history teachers were trying to kill me.
This is one fear that I can TOTALLY justify.
So, boys and girls.
Get ready for the explanation as to...
Thursday, November 13, 2008
i just realised.
you can have a celebrity doppelganger...EVEN IF YOU ARE A CELEBRITY.
Friday, November 07, 2008
I (and my blog) AM TOTALLY DOMINATING GOOGLE.
my blog was one of the top 5 search results for:
- jacki trew
- jacki loves wentworth
- jacki trew wentworth miller
- roseville college igssa gym
- jacki and wentworth
- emmy shanahan
- quest for wentworth
and who knows what else? after i searched these ones i got distracted.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
jacki: (giggling) hey. hey. hey.
catherine: (annoyed) what?
jacki: (tries to do a funny dance move and ends up kicking the coffee table) ow ow ow!!
catherine: you're an idiot
jacki: hey you know i did a blog about my theory.
catherine: what theory?
jacki: you know.
catherine: no, i dont.
jacki: yes you do!!
catherine: oh, you mean that crazy celebrity double-whammy crap or whatever its called?
jacki: first of all, its called the Celebrity Doppelganger Theory. and second of all, it would pay you to remember that, since its whats going to make me famous.
catherine: jacki, how many plans have you had to make yourself famous?
jacki: (pauses) well...a few
catherine: and how many have worked?
jacki: well none so far, but this one is different!!!
jacki: seriously, go on my blog, theres a list!!
catherine: (sarcastically) uh huh. ill be sure to do that.
jacki: seriously!!! you know i found dads?
catherine: who is it?
jacki: have you ever seen the Baz Luhrmann version of Romeo and Juliet?
catherine: is that the one with Leonardo di Caprio?
jacki: uh huh
catherine: yeah, ive seen it
jacki: you know the guy that plays Juliet's father?? THATS DADS!!
catherine: you're an idiot.
jacki: no im not!! you have to admit, you DID look like Adam Sandler's kid!
catherine: yeah, at one tiny point in time.
jacki: THATS ALL IT TAKES!!!
catherine: thats all what takes?
jacki: thats all it takes to make the list!!! im telling you, im going to do it!!!
catherine: do what exactly?
jacki: im going to win the nobel peace prize!!!
catherine: im sorry, PEACE PRIZE?
jacki: (laughing hysterically)
catherine: dude, you are insane! win the peace prize?!
jacki: but its my life mission!
catherine: since when?
jacki: since i decided winning the nobel peace prize is a good way to get famous!!!!
catherine: your life mission is to make people laugh! and you usually cant! you just wind up hurting yourself instead!
jacki: (offended) oh yeah, like when?!
catherine: less than five minutes ago!!! you tried to dance and you ended up kicking the coffee table!!!!
jacki: (sheepishly) oh yeah
because i just thought of another one:
Rach Pickering/that chick from Mean Girls who 'doesnt even go here!'
here's the thing:
ive figured out how i can win the nobel peace prize.
you know how sometimes i make up these crazy theories in my head, and then i tell people, and they tell me im crazy and im all like whatever, this theory is totally going to win me the nobel peace prize?
ITS LIKE THAT!!
except this time, im actually going to win.
its one of my best theories yet - i know, because ive been working on it for the better part of my life.
so here we go.
here it is.
(also just letting you know, that by reading the words above, you have agreed to NOT steal my theory, no matter how AWESOMELY AWESOME you think it is - and believe me, you WILL think its awesomely awesome, because well, it really really is).
Friday, October 24, 2008
9. The way it cranks out Hollywood stars: Heath Ledger, Naomi Watts, Isla Fisher, Bec Hewitt, Simon Baker, the list goes on...
8. The way it kicks Neighbours' ass at the Logies. Every single year.
7. Alf Stewart.
6. The way Martha keeps almost dying.
5. The way that when Catherine and I watch it, we make up our own dialogue, hardly listen to what the characters are actually saying and shout things at the screen.
4. The way the town doctor keeps befriending mentally-disturbed patients and being kidnapped by them.
3. Tony Holden's attempt at a 'shag haircut'.
2. The way Geoff is shirtless in pretty much every scene.
and the number one thing i love love LOVE about home and away???
1. The fact that its on YouTube now.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
and what better blog to do on my last day in sydney than another embarrassing moment?
The story begins.
Its a sunday afternoon, and i decide, for once in my life, to exercise.
AND to take Oscar with me.
which may not seem like such a big deal, but anyone who has met my dog knows that its probably not a good idea to try and force him to go for a walk anywhere, on account of the fact that he is morbidly obese and farts every 16 seconds.
Nevertheless, i decided to take him with me.
Everything was going great until about 15 minutes into my walk, when i realised that i had left the house without putting a bra on.
so now what do i do?
i cant keep walking, because its the peak dog-walking-season in Longueville, and a wall of middle aged women with miniature poodles are bearing down on me.
and i cant run home to change because, well, im a girl, and what self respecting girl would run 2km with no bra on?
eventually i decided to brave the army of dogwalkers.
and this time i dont think i imagined every single one of them looking at me weirdly.
and thats all ill write.
Friday, June 06, 2008
10. The time you fed the dog half a bag of marshmallows and a piece of chicken schnitzel.
9. Your last monthly phone bill
8. The time you used her computer to download 32 episodes of Bones
7. The impressions you do of her where she sounds like a cross between Marge Simpson and Kitty Forman from That 70’s Show
6. The time you spilled half a bottle of pink nail polish on your bed
5. The second tattoo
4. The third tattoo
3. The fact that you couldn’t remember the name of the fourth Beatle
2. The time you told everyone she had a crush on Tim Gunn from Project Runway
and the number one thing you NEVER want your mother to find out about..
1. The fact that as you were typing this, you dropped half a baked potato on the computer keyboard
most people know that in order to run away from Australia 2 months from now, ive been saving saving saving my butt off since the beginning of the year. Anyway, one of my many jobs is delivering newspapers around longueville.
sounds easy right?
WRONG. because it just so happens that im not the only one who delivers newspapers in longueville.
i swear, my suburb must be the capital of all junk-mail.
because EVERY SINGLE MAILBOX is stuffed full TO THE BRIM of target catalogues, letters from MLC, copies of the northside courier, whatever whatever whatever.
so full that i spend most of my days trying to wrestle my lovingly rolled, elastic-banded and plastic-bagged north shore times' into peoples mailboxes.
so it doesnt help when the mailbox IS ALREADY TINY TO BEGIN WITH.
i mean come on.
its not that hard.
if you get alot of mail...GET A BIGGER MAILBOX!!
like take today for example: i just happened to be the unfortunate victim whos delivery pushed what must be the worlds tiniest mailbox over its capacity.
and let me tell you, the results werent pretty: this mailbox practically exploded all over the street.
i mean it. there are catalogues flying, letters falling all over the sidewalk, oh, and just incase the whole ordeal wasnt embarassing enough, the top of the mailbox actually flew into the air, and then proceeded to tumble down the neighbours driveway, making more noise than the first 15 minutes of Terminator 3.
oh, and this just happened to occur during the hour that EVERY SINGLE OLD PERSON LIVING IN LONGUEVILLE goes on their daily walk.
so im standing there, covered in what used to be a mailbox, with a north shore times in my hand and twenty six million pensioners pointing and laughing at me.
oh. it was so fun.
oh no wait, IT WASNT.
so im sorry. really i am.
but if you have a small mailbox, we can no longer be friends.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
long story short: teams of 2 or more. there is a word on a card (it might be a person, a place, an object, an action or just something random), and you have to describe it to your other teammates without saying what it starts with, what it rhymes with, how many letters are in it etc etc etc.
for example, if the word was 'Tree' you would be like
- A tall thing that has leaves on it!
- Bird make their nests in it!
- It has branches and a trunk!
Anyway you get like 30 seconds to describe as many words as you can to your team (and have them correctly guess the word).
Sounds easy, right?
This is what happens when Vandy plays Articulate:
The Word is 'Shrimp Cocktail'
Casey: Its like, ummm, like a kind of drink? Like a kind of cocktail!!
Lauren: Like a martini?
Casey: No, its like not a drink
The Word is 'Maiden'
Jacki: Ok, its like the female version of a man!
Jacki: You know how there is like the female version of a servant? And they clean your room?!
Jacki: Yes!! So its like maid plus a little bit more!
Jacki: LIKE MAIDENT but a little less!!!
Kiera (who isnt even on our team): oh COME ON
The Word is 'Ivory Coast'
Han: Ok two words, the second part is like where water meets land kind of
Jacki: Beach! Horizon!
Han: Yes! Yes, coast! Ok, first part is like a plant that grows up a wall kind of, its like..
Jacki: A WEED!
Han: No its like a vine kind of..And like its what elephant tusks are made out of..
Han: Yeah so put them together
Gemma: Ivory Coast!!
Han: Yes! We rock!
Kiera: Yeah but Han, ivory isnt a plant.
The Word is 'Great Wall of China'
Kiera: Ok its like this big stone thing that goes through the middle of an Asian country...
Kiera: What? No, its like..
Mel: Great Wall of China!!
Kiera: Yes. What the hell Jacki?
ok so maybe its not Roseville girls who suck at Articulate, maybe its just me
Sunday, May 25, 2008
are there really two spellings of fiance?
as in the person you're engaged to?
like this whole time i have been thinking there are two spellings - a girl one and a boy one - but then i stopped and thought about it, and you know what, i think ive only heard one pronunciation.
am i right? am i right?
ok im so googling this
ok so apparently there ARE two spellings
fiance and fiancee
so what, are there different pronunciations?
or are they just the same word spelt differently?
or is google lying to me?
I FEEL LIKE IM TAKING CRAZY PILLS HERE!!
Indiana Jones and the City filled with Diamond Skeletons or whatever it was called. Its not my fault the title of the movie is practically a novel
and before you all ask me, ill answer the question that everyone has been asking me.
Yes, you will like it.
If you like movies with everything.
And I mean everything.
I mean if you like movies that have Russian terrorists, death-defying stunts, Cate Blanchett attempting a Ukranian accept, romance, crazy people, shirtless old men, nuclear explosions, illegitimate love-children, cars that turn into boats and then fly over the edge of 100ft waterfalls and still remain intact, and - this just in - aliens, then you will like Indiana Jones.
Or alternatively, you could just be crushing on Shia LaBeouf.
which luckily i am, since none of that other crap made any sense to me.
Friday, May 23, 2008
when did it become acceptable for my mum to make fun of me?
hello! shes my mum!
IM supposed to be making fun of HER.
and ill admit, i do write the occasional blog about how out of touch with pop culture she is...but its all in good fun!
not like what happened today:
walking up the front path to our house this afternoon...
jacki: (looking in the mailbox and seeing it is empty) Oh..did you collect the mail already?
jacki: and there was nothing for me?
mum: no, nothing
jacki: oh. sad.
mum: what, its not like you ever get mail anyway
and then later on:
while i was in my room, updating my resume and listening to a little ZZ Top...
mum: (opening the door and pausing) I swear, you have the worst taste in music of anyone i know
jacki: excuse me? You're the one who listens to Andre Boccelli!!
mum: Andre Boccelli is a classic, not like this stuff. I already lived through the 80's once, please dont make me do it again.
well then! ill show her, i thought to myself.
so ive been playing Styx and Michael Jackson for the last hour, and i just filled out an online application for a flybys card - WE'LL SEE WHO GETS ALL THE MAIL NOW, MUM!!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
jacki: can I be your maid of honour?
catherine: I dont know
jacki: well I dont know if you'll be my maid of honour, but you can definitely be one of the bridesmaids
catherine: ok, cool
jacki: (pause) So..so can I..?
catherine: (laughing) you're pathetic
jacki: oh come on! who else are you going to have?
catherine: (offended) hey!
jacki: (trying to backtrack) no, no I didnt mean it like that, I just meant...I'm just curious!
catherine: yeah, sure.
this conversation actually came in handy during the rest of the day. for example:
when catherine was baking a cake, and she was trying to melt chocolate on the stove and stir the icing at the same time...
catherine: jacki! jacki, help, the chocolate is going to burn, can you stir it for me please?
jacki: sure I'll stir it - IF I CAN BE YOUR MAID OF HONOUR
when i was making a sandwich for lunch...
catherine: ooh, that looks really yummy, can you make me one?
jacki: sure, I'll make you one - IF I CAN BE YOUR MAID OF HONOUR
when catherine was looking for some entertainment for the afternoon...
catherine: jacki, can I watch your Bones DVD?
jacki: sure, you can watch it - IF I CAN -
catherine: oh forget it
i think its official.
like really official.
like pick-up-the-phone-its-time-to-call-the-guiness-book-of-records-and-finally-get-my-name-in-there-for-something official.
i have the MOST miss-spelt name in the world.
and im going to have a good and proper rant about this because it has to be one of the most SIMPLE names in the world.
i mean its not like there are any silent letters. or letters that dont sound like they usually sound (like you know how some people spell julia with a g? i mean thats just wrong).
how hard is that?
"not that hard!" i hear you say.
yes, i agree.
SO HOW COME SO MANY PEOPLE MISS-SPELL IT. HUH? HUH?
and if they dont it spell it wrong, they go..
and then they look at me like IM an idiot.
no i am NOT an idiot.
so ive taken to, when people ask me what my name is, responding like this:
"jacki trew. t-r-e-w"
i mean, that should fix the problem, right?
im SPELLING it for them.
but no. no no. somehow that confuses people even more.
i think the most hilarious thing about it is that every single person responds the same way.
say they're writing my name down.
most get as far as t. some make it to r. and then everything goes downhill.
the pen pauses on the page, and they just stare at the paper for a second.
they look at me.
they look back at the paper.
"e-w" i say, seeing that they have already written t and r.
they look at me.
they look back at the paper.
they write a u.
"no, its e, then w" i say.
"e?" they say, unbelievingly
"yes. e. e and then w" i say
they look at the paper.
they look back at me.
i grab the paper off them and write the damn name myself.
i dont understand. I DONT UNDERSTAND.
and if its not the trew part, its the jacki part.
and ill admit i dont have the most common spelling of jacki in the world, but look. look at how i spell it. ITS SO SIMPLE.
again. no silent letters, no letters than dont sound how they usually sound.
ITS SPELT HOW IT SOUNDS.
but this is how the conversation usually goes:
"is that jacqui?"
"is it - "
"no, no, its j-a-c-k-i."
"oh. oh. thats weird"
they write it down. they give me the paper.
it reads name: jackie
I MEAN COME ON!!!