Monday, April 30, 2007

the invisible man, ivan milat, and myself

so i just finished watching supernatural, and suprise suprise, i had no clue what was going on most of the time, probably because i kept leaving the tv to get food and whatnot.
I mean can you blame me? If im going to watch people get mauled to death by freakish chainsaw-weilding ghosts, im going to do it with some food dammit.

the main reason i came to blog is because i totally forgot to blog about my dream last night.
pfft. dream.
more like NIGHTMARE.
that was so dramatic.
anyway, gather round children and i will tell you a tale.

So in my dream/nightmare, i was a girl (like i am in real life), and i was Kate from Lost. thats right. Does anyone even watch Lost anymore except me? Probably not. Oh well. Anyway, so I was Kate, and these two guys, also from Lost (Jack and Sawyer for anyone who is actually still following me here), were with me, and basically it was our job to find these freakish people who were hiding in this building that we were in, which was like a newpaper office or something, I dono, it was some big room filled with lifts and people and paper and computers and lots of talking talking talking.

Anyway we were working our way around the building, and eventually we discovered that there were three people that we had to do something to, and they were this man who could turn invisible (lets call him The Invisible Man), this lady who could split herself in two, so there were like two of her (lets call her Double Lady), and Ivan Milat (lets call him Ivan Milat). Anyway, I dont even know what we had to do, because I was just as clueless in this dream as i am in real life, possibly even more so, so basically i was just following Jack and Sawyer around and trying to distract myself from the fact that Ivan Milat had worked his way into my nightmares.

Anyway suddenly we were in this lift, and it was going down to the bottom level of St Leonards train station (which we were now in by the way. keep up), and The Invisible Man was in the lift with us, only nobody could see him, because he had turned himself invisible. But we could see him.
How did that work?
Anyway back to the dream, suddenly me and Jack and Sawyer had this piece of paper, I don't know what it was because I was only Kate and obviously Jack and Sawyer are much more capable of handling pieces of paper than me, but apparently The Invisible Man and Double Lady and Ivan Milat had to get it off us. So we got out of the lift and Jack and Sawyer are all "run!", and i was all like "i dont think i will", so for some weird reason i decided to lie down on the platform.

Anyway The Invisible Man grabbed me and threw me on the train tracks so that i was lying in the small space just between where the trains went, and Jack and Sawyer didnt even notice so they kept running (thanks guys), anyway and then a train started coming and i was like "dude this will probably hurt", and the train was about to run over me when i woke up.

so either i have a subconcious fear of trains or ivan milat is coming to get me.
but probably both.
the end!

That time I met...Wikipedia

Jacki: Whats up.
Wikipedia: I suck
Jacki: I know.


wikipedia the worlds biggest suck

ok you know what?
i decided the most annoying thing in the world is when you spend your whole ancient lesson writing a wikipedia page about how you are pretty much the coolest person ever, and then you realise that you have no idea where it is or what the title is or how to edit it, and the only thing you do realise is that wikipedia is a giant gay gypsy and should just go die in a hole on the side of the road, even though it wasnt alive in the first place.

which is hardly the point.
maybe the guy who invented alice-bot can make a wikipedia-bot so i can bully it until it cries.
those robots are so annoying. stab.
stab stab.
one day im going to go on a roadtrip to where ever alice bot is and stab her. he. it.
and also the person who invented alice bot. ill stab them too. after they make the wikipedia-bot, which i am also going to stab.

ok so as i was writing this, my mum came in and read it over my shoulder and goes...
"are you alright?"

and im like yes.
and shes like.
"well, its just a bit weird isnt it?" (pointing to the screen).

fools. fools all.
and you know what else is the most annoying thing in the world is that i have this new computer with some Vista thing on it, so the internet layout is all different so i may as well be staring at a poo with a toothpick sticking out of it, because i have no clue how to do anything.
damn it Vista! you'll pay. with your body.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Shower Thoughts #20

shut up avril lavigne
you know why? because you're a mole.
and also
that song girlfriend sucks hairy balls
hairy hairy balls.

in a second you'll be wrapped around my finger
coz i can, coz i can do it better
theres no other, so whens it gonna sink in
shes so stupid
what the hell were you thinking?

AVRIL LAVIGNE (or however you spell it)
you suck!
first of all,
why would any man dump his girlfriend for some girl who insults his relationship choices?
why why why?
and second of all, YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED!!!
what reason do you have for runnning around and stealing the only men left for everyone else who isnt a giant mole? what reason avril? huh? huh? why so quiet peppy?

ive been harbouring this rage toward avril lavigne for a very long time.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

anzac day

anzac day today, and in the true spirit of mateship, loyalty, courage and all that stuff, catherine and i had another argument which i thought i should tell you about

(standing at the lane cove anzac day service)
jacki: (whispering) Hey, who are the people that march in this parade?
catherine: Like the boy scouts?
jacki: No, i mean like, usually there are old people
catherine: Yeah, its the people that fought in the war
jacki: But havent they all died? It was like world war one
catherine: (laughing) World war two idiot!
jacki: (confused) No, anzac day is world war one
catherine: No it isnt (still laughs)
jacki: Yes it is, its about Gallipoli. You look like the biggest fool now.
catherine: Yeah...
jacki: Which was world war one! I think I would know! I've been trying to prevent my head from exploding because of it, for the last two weeks!
catherine: What?
jacki: Modern
catherine: No, Im saying that the world war two people are marching for the world war one people
jacki: What?
catherine: Because they're all dead!
jacki: I know! IM the one that said that!
catherine: No you didnt!
jacki: What?!
catherine: You suck!
jacki: Mum, is anzac day world war one or two?
mum: Well it celebrates both, but it started in world war one
jacki and catherine: HA!
jacki: What are you ha-ing at, I won!
catherine: No you didnt, I did!
jacki: No, I was saying that anzac day is originally world war one
catherine: No, you were saying that all the world war one people were dead!
jacki: I thught you said I didnt say that!
catherine: Whatever. I was saying that the world war two people march for them
jacki: No you werent!! You were saying that anzac day started in world war two!!
catherine: Whatever. you lose.
jacki: No i dont!!


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Ode to Gemma
Gemma is cool
She totally rules
She never drools
She goes to my school
Gemma is wack
No hair on her back
She likes a good snack
And gives a good dack
Gemma is hot
She doesnt smoke pot
Her blood doesnt clot
I love her alot
Gemma is fun
She bakes in the sun
She isnt a nun
Like steel is her bun
Gemma can dance
Dance in her pants
Listen to my rants
Marry a prince named Lance
Gemma is hot.


ok so today i woke at 12, refreshed and ready to get ready and catch the bus to school where we were planning on having a lovely afternoon of studying modern, so i could stop failing so terribly and actually begin to understand something in modern, a long shot i know, but hey, it was worth a shot

anyway id just gotten dressed and put on mascara and everything and i was actually having a good hair day, something which happens so infrequently that i cant remember the last time it happened since im pretty sure i was still in my mothers womb, and then the fone rings.
you heard me right
the fone
it rang.

so i frolicked downstairs in a fit of excitement about the fact that i was about to make the journey to school to do some modern (weird i know, but i find myself having cravings sometimes, i think its because our class is so sexy), answering the fone in my most ladylike voice, and low and behold, fund myself talking to miss shanahan, who explained that we would NOT be doing any modern today because she had synesitis and was forced to go home.
(it took me a moment to get over the fact that SHE was actually calling ME. i always thought it would be the other way around, should i somehow, someday manage to get my hands on her phone number. i also always thought that beth and casey would be with me, and we would be putting on a male voice, and giggling uncontrollably.)

so yes
not only do i now know officially nothing about what i am supposed to know about for the modern exam, im also annoyed because i saw NOBODY today which means that NOBODY shared my good hair day, and i probably wont have another one for another 17 years.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

so philosophical

just something ive been pondering for a while...

what is the opposite of bald?
and i know what you're thinking.
well you're wrong.
its not hairy
its NOT.

hairy alludes to the fact that you have hair all over your body, not just on your head. if someone has a full head of hair, you dont say to them "hey, your head is really hairy."
you just dont do that.

and when someone doesnt have a really hairy body, like any normal person, you dont say to them "hey your body is really bald."
you just dont do that.
so what is it? what is it? where did it come from?
i thought every word had to have an opposite! well there goes my faith in the english language! not that ive had any since the first time i failed an english assessment.
but still.


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

why wholemeal bread sucks ass

so today i had finished studying, being my studious self, so i went downstairs to get some lunch.
you heard me. lunch
so anyway i decided to have some toast. lovely toast. how delightful.
well actually NO it was not so delightful on account of the fact that as soon as i pushed the toaster-button-thingie down, i realised
how can this be? why would this be? my mum KNOWS i hate wholemeal bread, why would she possibly have any reason to buy wholemeal bread and tie the bag with the same blue tie as she does the white bread, and put it in the same place in the pantry she doesnt the white bread!!!
so anyway after i got over the initial shock of the fact that i almost consumed wholemeal bread, i found that lucky little me, there was still one piece of white bread left in the white bread bag in the pantry, so i could still have the wonderful wonderful whitebread-toast-ish lunch i had dreamed of.
so i took the piece of white bread and lovingly put it in the toaster, and was about to push down the toaster-button-thingie when i recieved another shock...
my piece of bread

what is this? some kind of sick joke? natures way of forcing me to be healthy? well it wont work i tell you! i have to stand strong! defend myself against salad and wholemeal and, gasp, dare i say it...low gi!
so anyway i had to resort to eating some other crappy lunch which was so crappy that i cant even remember what it was.
and now i have to go to the shops because im still craving for white bread and if i dont have any in the next ten seconds i will probably die.
so there you have it.
death to wholemeal

Sunday, April 15, 2007

old people

yet more proof that old people have pretty much no clue (no offense jimi)

the following conversation took place today in the car:

jacki: (commenting on the weather) Its so hot! Milk was a bad choice!
mum: What was a bad choice?
jacki: Milk
mum: ....What?
jacki: Milk. Milk was a bad choice.
mum: What does that mean?
jacki: Nothing, its just a joke from a movie.
mum: oh ok...So whats wrong with the milk?
jacki: Nothing mum, its just a joke.
mum: I dont understand
jacki: Mum! its just a joke from a movie! I was just commenting on the heat!
mum: Do i need to get more milk?
jacki: OH MY GOSH!
mum: Well, you said -
jacki: Ok just forget i said anything!

see? see what i mean??!!!
totally clueless.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

no comments today, my love has gone away
da da da da da da
da da da da da da
no comments today, it wasnt always so
da da da da da da
da da da da da da


so, this being the holidays and all, what i should have done today would probably involve lots of sun and shopping, laughter and fun, general good-times-being-had kind of thing, you know, except that because we're now in year 12 and actually have to start listening and learning in school (where did that come from?), i had to somehow figure out how to get in 6 hours of study as well as going to school from 10 til 3 to attend the 'dt day'.
needless to say i barely made 2 hours of study, and spent the entire time at school weeping over the fact that i have to individually hand stitch three hundred and twenty five million beads onto my dress, at the same time as trying to figure out a way to stab myself in the heart with my needle just hard enough so that i never have to so much as look at another bead again, but not hard enough that i actually die.

the highlight of the day was probably my weekly perve on wentworth miller during prison break. I dont understand why people dont think that manly man beast of a manly man isnt hot. so his nose is a little crooked.
so what?
so is mine.
we'll match.
probably more disturbing is the fact that some people find the old old old man who plays his brother more hot.
more hot i tell you
the man catherine and i have nicknamed 'abe'.
as in old.
because you know, all old people are called abe.
i really dont see why they have to make hot hot hot wentworth miller the character with the whole body suit tattoo freakish thing, thus forcing him to wear long sleeved tops at all times, when ew ew ew abe is the one running around with his shirt half undone the whole time
why why why would they do that to me?
and as if he wouldnt find that annoying. you're trying to run away from the police half naked, for crying out loud.

im pretty sure he shaves his chest anyway, so i should just smack his bottom. or rather, get someone else to do it for me since touching anything that old and saggy would make me projectile vomit myself into another universe.
well i hope youve all enjoyed another rant about pretty much nothing, just me, and my pointless arguments and observations that never get anyone anywhere.
why are you reading this! go study!

Monday, April 02, 2007

shut up

so apparently i got home and saw on the news that there was a tsunami warning for most of today?
while we were at school
oh dont bother to tell the children. the future generations. the future leaders of this country. the future wifes of ewan mcgregor and hugh jackman.
future wife of ewan and hugh. whatever
so anyway i was so annoyed about that that i didnt even realise what i should actually be really annoyed about which is the fact that IT IS SO FREAKING HARD TO TYPE TSUNAMI.
which i just realised like 3 minutes ago when i was talking to gemma and telling her about the tsunami warning.
and which i confirmed 2 seconds ago when i tried to type 'tsunami warning' and it took me like 4 tries to get it right.
because whoever it is, im going to smack your bottom so hard it will cause a tsa...a tsom...a sudfb...a tidal wave.
in sydney
and the teenage mutant ninja turtles will save us all.
and maybe that guy from 300 too. he seems kind of ripped.
in an old man kind of way.

whatever. whats really important is that jimi, if you're there, harness all that stalking energy you put towards me, and direct it all towards finding out who invented the word tsunami, and then bringing them to me so that i can slap them silly.