Thursday, June 21, 2007
it seems that jess didnt actually fall down while carrying a rowing boat and start choking on her tounge
no no, she didnt
no, she was drinking water and then she started choking on the water. then she started hyperventilating. then she fainted. THEN she swallowed her tounge.
you're right jess. this version is MUCH less embarrasing
Monday, June 18, 2007
Jess's full name is Jessica Ann Morton Healy Q. Jess is very sporty and does things like basketball and athletics and (groan) rowing. rowing epitomises jess. jess epitomises rowing. its like they were made for each other. like she was probably born holding a tiny oar. probably? definitely.
jess has heaps of nicknames. we pretty much give her a new nickname every day. we call her jess, jessica, jussicoo, special, spesh, special jessie, jessie bear, jessie, s-dog, j-dog, morto, jessica ann, and sometimes (if we really feel like annoying her), we call her by her full name
jess doesnt like her nicknames much. well she pretends to hate them. but we all know she loves them because she told us we could embroider 'spesh' on her jersey. she claims to hate being called spesh the most, but i think she secretly craves it. i think it makes her feel, well, special.
jess works at video ezy. i dont know why. none of us know why because she has crappy pay, crappy hours, her boss is mean to her and most of the people who work there look like drug dealers. she also has to work most saturday nights, which sucks. but this one time we had a picnic and jess brought all this past-its-used-by-date food and we ate it all and it was completely awesome. she also tells us hilarious stories about hilarious things that happen to her on the job, like the time this guy was a returning a porno and it had cum all over it.
most of the time the stories jess tells sound like they could never actually happen in real life, like the guy-returning-porno-with-cum-all-over-it story, but we always listen and laugh.
jess is very accident prone. since we've been at roseville, the school has put the emergency room on speed dial. jess requires about 17 ambulances per year. the most memorable accidents featuring jess include:
- that time she was running away from us and she ran into the bathroom door and got concussion
- that time she was carrying a rowing boat and she slipped and fell and started choking on her own tounge
- that time she fell and hannah tripped over her neck and she had to lie on hobbs lawn for ages and ages and it started to rain so the ambulance guys put a tarpoline over her and we were all watching from the science labs and laughing
jess is very strong, but she doesnt know it. this can be very dangerous. jess is known to pick people up and slam them against metal lockers in a fit of rage. this is very amusing for the onlooker, but very frightening for the victim.
sometimes jess gets likened to a 79 year old man because she sleeps all the time and is always squinting through her glasses and yelling 'IS IT JUST ME, OR IS IT REALLY BRIGHT IN HERE??'. this is why getting driven home by jess can be very frightening. not that im complaining :) jess also always has a large bottle of water wherever she goes. she doesnt usually like to share it with anyone, which is a source of conflict in our group.
jess doesnt like anyone to touch her things. especially her pencil case. so most people think she has some mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder. jess wont let you take anything out of her pencil case unless you put it back in the same order that you got it out. if you mess up her pencil case, jess will literally rip your face off. some of the people in our group like to have fun with jess because she is so anal about her pencil case. most of the time she is able to hang on to her pocessions, but sometimes she slips up, and ends up having to buy a new white out and a new glue stick every week for 3 months. the rest of us have lots of white out and glue at the bottom of our schoolbags.
one of jess's favourite past-times is chasing people around the school. most of the time, jess thinks she is just part of a fun game, while the people getting chased are genuinely running for their lives. another of jess's favourite past-times is eating. jess is known to consume large amounts of food, especially chocolate. another of jess's favourite past-times is buying me lunch. i love jess.
jess can be very handy in a sticky situation. like when we used to play grunge. grunge was basically a very violent form of tag-footy that we used to play on hobbes lawn. im sure we all remember rushing to be on jess's team, because it was common knowledge that whichever team jess was on would win; all they had to do was throw jess the ball, and she would barge through anything and everything to get to the other end of the field. even with the other team latched onto her back and the rest of the year standing on the sidelines screaming 'run jess, run!!' (which soon became her new tagline), jess could barrell through just about anything to ensure a victory. thats probably one of the main reasons we love jess
so thats it. my dedication to jess.
jessica ann morton healy q
Sunday, June 17, 2007
you know when it says "so and so has signed into msn on a mobile device'
how exactly does that work?
do they speak into their fone and the words come up onto your computer screen?
and how do they talk to more than one person at a time?
and how do they actually sign into msn? is there a mobile number you call? do you have to have the internet on your mobile? do you have to download msn onto your mobile?
you know i actually dont care im just avoiding ancient history
i mean, seriously
you're really going to drag it out over THREE weeks??
you really think thats going to work?
YOU REALLY THINK MY ATTENTION WILL LAST FOR THAT LONG????
i mean at least Greys Anatomy Code Black only took one episode
yes it was terrible, the plot line stank, and nobody for the life of them could figure out why they actually called it Greys Anatomy Code Black, but it only took one week!
one! and the next week we were back to regular, awesome, absolutely-filled-to-the-brim sexual tension Greys Anatomy
but Greys Anatomy SOS, ohhh no, no, no, its FAR to good to view in one simple 1-hour episode, so we have to stretch it out over at least three weeks
three weeks? are they CRAZY???
i mean sure, at first, the whole boat-on-fire-meredith-is-looking-after-some-cute-little-blonde-kid-and-issy-has-a-chance-to-redeem-her-probation-sentance-meanwhile-christina-and-burke-are-engaged-can-you-believe-it! thing really caught my attention, but enough is enough!
meredith? to drown or not to drown?
thank goodness for youtube, and the fact that america sees every episode before us, is all i have to say, because i dont think i can wait seven whole days to find out whether or not that skinny bitch dies
its true. the hsc really does make people bitter and twisted
Friday, June 15, 2007
Channel 7 has provided me with much entertainment over the past 17 years, and this has not gone unnoticed. Don't think I dont appreciate my daily dosage of Home and Away, or the occasional viewing of Dancing With The Stars. However, I have some concerns with channel 7's recent schedule.
It has come to my attention that last night, Prison Break was cancelled for the second time in the last three weeks. I find this unacceptable. It was then explained to me that the reason Prison Break has been cancelled so much recently is because of channel 10's airing of the State of Origin. I, however, fail to see what football has to do with Prison Break. I also don't understand why you think some 90's family 'comedy' starring three generations of Douglas men can compete with a national sporting competition, and Prison Break cannot. Don't you think that (the majority of) people would rather see a closeup of Wentworth Miller than Michael Douglas? Don't you think that (the majority of) people would rather experience an exciting twist in the plotline than three old men attempting to find love? Don't you think that (the majority of) people would rather you air Prison Break as normal than listen to me rant on and on and on about how 'Prison Break was cancelled AGAIN last night!'?
In conclusion, I feel it is best that you never cancel Prison Break again, under any circumstance, and should you absolutely feel the need to cancel it, at all, for any reason, you should both warn me in advance, and then send me a complimentary copy of the cancelled episode on dvd.
You should also know that if you cancel Prison Break again, I will not hesistate to find whoever is responsible, and put my foot in their ass.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
basically. last week my mum realised that our upstairs shower (in other words the shower that i always use) was leaking
leaking? i never noticed it was leaking. arent showers supposed to leak? i mean, water IS supposed to come out right?
but anyway my mum insisted on getting some knows-how-to-fix-leaking-things-even-if-they-are-supposed-to-leak-at-least-jacki-thinks-they-are type guy comes and fixes the shower and tells me im not allowed to use it for the next 3 days or something
so as if THAT isnt annoying enough since i had to move all my shower stuff downstairs and wash in my parents shower for the next 3 days, and they have one of those bath/shower combo things, you know where you have to stand IN the bath while you have a shower?
anyway im really not good with those things, especially this one, because ends of the bath kind of slope upwards, and i always stand with my heel in the plughole, so the bath fills up with shower water and it gets really slippery and one day ill probably break my neck, but whatever thats not the point
the point is that tonight was the first night when i was actually able to shower in my own shower again (and could that night come fast enough)
so i got all my stuff and got into the shower and thought
anyway i turned on the taps and closed the door (from the outside because i never get in until the water has been running for at least 3 minutes so it can heat up), and waited for like 3 minutes and then jumped in and WHAT THE HELL THE WATER IS FREEZING AND ITS TOUCHING ME SO IM FREEZING AND THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE AS COLD AS THIS IS THAT BLANKET AT CASEYS HOUSE, OR MAYBE FALLING OFF THE TITANIC.
what? what? why is this happening to me? and then i realised
THE STUPID MAN WHO CAME TO FIX THE SHOWER CRAFTILY SWAPPED THE LABELS ON THE TAPS
so basically, the hot tap is now cold, and the cold tap is now hot
heres where the big problem started
now im not that stupid. i can add numbers with the best of them. i can hand in my essays on time. but i couldnt for the life of me work out the handles. and i dont know why!
"maybe he didnt actually swap the taps, maybe the water is just taking longer to heat up because its winter"
"no, he changed the taps. so i have to put more cold in"
"putting more cold in doesnt make sense. maybe ill just wait for it to heat up"
"no, ill put more hot in. maybe i need to turn the hot tap further for it to work"
"no, he definitely switched the taps. so that means i need to put in more..."
"cold. no, hot. no, cold. no, hot"
so in the end i just ended up weeping because the only setting i was able to maintain was searing searing hot.
so now as well as having to experience the worst shower in history, i also no longer possess skin.
thanks alot shower guy.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
so i decided to compile a list of the many varied (and completely useless) things i actually DID learn today:
- the tuthankamen thing.
- its hard to balance a laptop on your lap in the car, drink a bottle of coke and write your history extension major work at the same time.
- watching your dog attempt to lick an icecube off the floor can result in hours of entertainment.
- its probably not a good idea to lick the knife clean. especially when its a steak knife.
- nailpolish doesn't taste good.
- no matter how hard you concentrate, you wont be able to change the channel with your mind. get up and find the remote.
- its best to ignore the collosal amount of hair at the bottom of the shower.
- wentworth miller doesnt have a myspace.
- the most intensely painful feeling in the world is getting nailpolish remover in your eye.
- freddie prince jr looks terrible with blonde hair
- i have the attention span of a foetus
Sunday, June 03, 2007
and it went something like this:
mum: whats this?
jacki: shhh! its prison break
mum: you shhh!
jacki: im the one thats watching!
mum: no you're not
jacki: yes i am!
mum: why do you even like this show
jacki: wentworth miller
mum: whats wentworth miller?
jacki: (points to screen) thats wentworth miller
mum: (mistaking wentworth for some old guy) what? why?
jacki: no not him
mum: then who?
jacki: ill point when he comes on
mum: ok. so whats happening now?
jacki: cant you just watch?
mum: because i want to annoy you
jacki: when did you become this???
mum: become what?
jacki: (sees wentworth on the screen and points) there! thats him!
mum: oh i get it
jacki: get what
mum: get why you watch this show (smiling)
jacki: ok im going to pretend you didnt say that
and it basically went on like that for the next 40 minutes, with my mum pointing and/or laughing everytime wentworth miller came onto the screen. so ive come to the conclusion that she is never ever under any circumstance ever allowed to watch prison break with me ever again