Saturday, December 22, 2012

Atomic Wedgie

So I have this giant mosquito bite on my ass cheek right now.
'Ass cheek' is probably generous.  It's pretty much right on the anus.  Oh my god have we talked about how much of a lady I am?  Sorry, Mum.  
You know what's really awesome about having a giant mozzie bite on your butt?  Nothing.  There are no redeeming qualities whatsoever.  It's not cute, it hurts to sit down, and every time I try to itch it looks like I'm plucking the world's most atomic wedgie.

Anyway I can't sleep right now.  It's 3:27 am.  I don't think this has anything to do with the giant ass bite, but you never know.  Anything is possible in this day and age, and I caught a glimpse of this thing with a tiny mirror I found in my handbag - don't ask me what position I had to contort myself into to make that possible - but it seriously looks large enough to power a small African country.  What if that energy is being subtly rerouted to my brain and keeping me awake?  
On the other hand, it might be the copious amounts of caffeine I consumed earlier today.  I drink a lot of coffee and guarana.  Hmmm.  Nah.  Pretty sure it's the bite.

To me, the best part about having a Fiance is having someone to look at the giant mosquito bite near my anus.  I mean, what if I hadn't found that tiny mirror in my bag/done gymnastics in high school?  The bite may have remained a mystery forever!  I suppose I could have paid a doctor to look at it for me, but I am always weary of letting doctors near my ass since I heard they sometimes stick thermometers up there.  Okay, I actually heard that about a vet.  And it wasn't a human ass, it was my cat.  I think probably this is a practice you rarely see in humans, but you can never be too safe I say.  Have I really been talking about my anus for the last two paragraphs?   This blog is really going down the toilet.

In other news, Christmas is just around the corner and I finally finished all my shopping today.  Did I get you a present?  I don't know, it depends who you are.  The safe answer to assume would be 'no'.  I am 22, broke, and trying to save for a wedding.  If you have a problem with this, I invite you to suck on it.  If you are lucky, next year you will receive the gift of attending my wedding.  I think this is pretty legit because we are paying for everyone's booze.  And like I always say, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like alcohol and   the matrimony of two idiots living in sin.

Friday, December 21, 2012

The End Of The World As We Know It

I like to think that anyone who knows me well thinks that I'm pretty nice.  A total loon, maybe, but pretty nice.  I try my hardest to be a good girl.  I don't trip people in the street.  If I make fun of you, I'm probably joking.  I would never steal, cheat or lie (unless we're playing a game of Monopoly in which case you should definitely expect it).  And one thing I pride myself on never subjecting another person to, is rubbing it in their face when I am right and they are wrong.  Like, saying 'I told you so.'  I wouldn't pull that crap on anyone.  Ever.  Never.

Except for today.

Wait.  So it wasn't John Cusack who made an apocalyptic prediction three thousand years ago?  Huh.

I'm kidding of course.  I can be dumb, but secondary education and the invention of Wikipedia means there's no way I could be that dumb.  I just didn't want to run the risk of telling the Mayans to 'suck it', in the unlikely event that one of them read it and have me arrested for a hate crime.

Fuck you Mayans.

I believe that when the world does end, it will be one of six ways:  Hurricane, tidal wave, bushfire, super-tornado, zombie apocalypse, or some combination thereof.   
Lucky for me, living in a 2-bedroom apartment on the top story of a building in Coogee means that if/when the world does end, I won't have to worry about it:
Hurricane: Hurricane, schmurricane.  Point one, I'm pretty sure there are no records of any hurricane ever having taken place in Coogee.  Really think the end of the world would change that?  Doubt it.
Tidal Wave: You might think practically living on the beach would make this one the biggest threat of all.  Well, you would think wrong, idiot.  Coogee, while not the number one surfing capital of Sydney, has got to be at least top five.  I may not know how to surf now, but I'm 100% confident that should the occasion arise, my Coogee-genes would totally kick in and allow me to drop in on a 100ft monster.  100ft monster, is that right?  I'm not even sure if 'drop in' is a legitimate surfing term.  But it doesn't matter.  Because I live in Coogee.
Bushfire: I live near the water, I am immune to fire.  Duh.
Super-Tornado:  First of all - as far as I'm concerned, the only difference between 'Hurricane' and 'Super Tornado' are those crazy windy super twisty tubes that come down from the sky like in The Day After Tomorrow.  Second of all - as if that doesn't look like the funnest roller-coaster of all time.  Except you don't have to wear seatbelts.
Zombie Apocalypse:  This is probably the easiest.  Since Fiance bought a Playstation 3 and I bought Black Ops II, the two of us have been playing so much survival in Zombie Mode together that I'm honestly confident I could single-handledly save the world.  I mean, Fiance could be there and all.  But I could probably do it on my own.  Actually, I would probably prefer to do it solo.  There is no bigger confidence booster than single-handedly saving the world.  Plus everyone knows it means never having to pay for your own drinks again.


Friday, December 14, 2012

I Married A Laptop

So in other exciting news, I am now the owner of a brand new Sony Vaio E Series laptop.

Internal Memory: 4GB
Colour: Pink
Necessity: None
Fabulousness: Infinite

And before you say anything, I know what you're thinking.  A new laptop?  Jacki?  Jacki Trew?  Is this really the best idea?  Do I really not recall how many laptops/desktops/hard drives/portable hard drives/hair straighteners/hair curlers/DVD players/iPods/iPhones/Other mobile phones/Foxtel Box Tops/USBs/household pet microchips etc I have destroyed in the past?

Yes, I remember.  Thank you.  And at the same time, fuck off.  Here is my theory:
I have screwed up a lot of technology in the past.  Laptops and desktops, inevitable.  Hair straighteners, unfortunate.  Household pet microchips, regrettable.  But while it's easy to just write me off as a part-alien destroyer of electronics, sent here from the future to end planet Earth one iPhone at a should know that there are some fancy gadgets I haven't yet ruined - and the ones that still survive all have something in common.  They have all been gifts from Fiance.
My iPad?  A gift from Fiance.
My DJ-Standard headphones?  A gift from Fiance.
My iPhone?  Well...technically not a gift from Fiance.  But when the home button broke and Siri kept activating every 6.5 seconds, it was Fiance who took it to the Apple store for replacement.
And the brand new Sony Vaio E Series laptop?  A gift from Fiance.

So I am convinced.  Never mind that the main basis of this theory is that Fiance will leave me to become a crazy lonesome cat woman forever should I ruin my new computer.  I AM CONVINCED.