Saturday, December 22, 2012

Atomic Wedgie

So I have this giant mosquito bite on my ass cheek right now.
'Ass cheek' is probably generous.  It's pretty much right on the anus.  Oh my god have we talked about how much of a lady I am?  Sorry, Mum.  
You know what's really awesome about having a giant mozzie bite on your butt?  Nothing.  There are no redeeming qualities whatsoever.  It's not cute, it hurts to sit down, and every time I try to itch it looks like I'm plucking the world's most atomic wedgie.

Anyway I can't sleep right now.  It's 3:27 am.  I don't think this has anything to do with the giant ass bite, but you never know.  Anything is possible in this day and age, and I caught a glimpse of this thing with a tiny mirror I found in my handbag - don't ask me what position I had to contort myself into to make that possible - but it seriously looks large enough to power a small African country.  What if that energy is being subtly rerouted to my brain and keeping me awake?  
On the other hand, it might be the copious amounts of caffeine I consumed earlier today.  I drink a lot of coffee and guarana.  Hmmm.  Nah.  Pretty sure it's the bite.

To me, the best part about having a Fiance is having someone to look at the giant mosquito bite near my anus.  I mean, what if I hadn't found that tiny mirror in my bag/done gymnastics in high school?  The bite may have remained a mystery forever!  I suppose I could have paid a doctor to look at it for me, but I am always weary of letting doctors near my ass since I heard they sometimes stick thermometers up there.  Okay, I actually heard that about a vet.  And it wasn't a human ass, it was my cat.  I think probably this is a practice you rarely see in humans, but you can never be too safe I say.  Have I really been talking about my anus for the last two paragraphs?   This blog is really going down the toilet.

In other news, Christmas is just around the corner and I finally finished all my shopping today.  Did I get you a present?  I don't know, it depends who you are.  The safe answer to assume would be 'no'.  I am 22, broke, and trying to save for a wedding.  If you have a problem with this, I invite you to suck on it.  If you are lucky, next year you will receive the gift of attending my wedding.  I think this is pretty legit because we are paying for everyone's booze.  And like I always say, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like alcohol and   the matrimony of two idiots living in sin.

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