Sunday, November 08, 2009

Jacki Trew, Heartless Robot?

Imagine for the next 4-or-so paragraphs that I, Jacki Trew, am a film critic. That'll make it funnier.
Oh, and just for the record: I am about to tear The Exorcist a new asshole. If your name is Linda Blair or William Peter Blatty or Ellen Burstyn, or you just worked on that movie but aren't famous enough for me to know your name, you should probably look away. That is all.

I don't know which critic called The Exorcist 'the scariest movie of all time!', but they need to grow some serious testicles and then punch themselves in the face, because they are misleading thousands - nay, millions - of people. This isn't the scariest movie of all time. It's not even the scariest movie of 1973! And you just know people freaked out over pretty much nothing back then. I'm not saying this to make myself look hip and cool and macho, either. Because I'm not hip. I'm not cool. I'm not macho. I'm a little bitch and I know it! But when I rent a scary movie I expect to be scared, dammit!
What's the deal with that anyway? You can't just go around calling any old crap the scariest movie of all time. I mean, that's a pretty heavy title to carry. Scary movies are supposed to nauseate, thrill, terrify, shock and make you want to crap yourself all at the same time. If I get to the end of a horror film and haven't filled at least four of these catagories, I'm not satisfied. And during The Exorcist? Was I nauseated?
Hell, no.
And did I throw up or shit my pants?
No. Not even a little bit.
I mean, really.
At all.
The closest I came to being frightened was during the nursing home scene, and that's only because I have an unnatural fear of old people/becoming an old person.

I'm not sure what to think, really. Either people in 1973 scared way too easy, or I'm a heartless robot. My mums going with the robot theory. Well, whatever.
So, to sum up:
- Mum gave birth to a robot
- My underwear is still clean
- The Exorcist is a disappointment. Unless of course, you watch it expecting a comedy. In that case, I'd give it 5 stars.

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