1) Television. Because some idiot - and I don't know who this was, but if I ever find out I'm gonna tear them a new asshole - decided it'd be a good idea to play every single show I want to watch between the hours of 7 and 9pm on Tuesday. I'm not kidding! Next Top Model, Bones, Gossip Girl, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Scrubs and Chelsea Lately. All at the same time.
And on every other day of the week? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME?!
2) For no apparent reason, I just ate enough spaghetti bolognese to feed a family of four, and now I feel like I might explode. Which wouldn't be so bad, except that even on the off chance that I actually make it to the bathroom in time, I'm not 100% certain which end it's gonna come out of. Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying? I'm either gonna crap myself or take a trip to Vomit City is what I'm saying. Stupid spaghetti! Stupid family! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE STOP ME?!
Oh, you know what? There's also a possum haunting the roof space right above my bedroom. Oh how cute, you might be thinking. Possums are adorable, you might be thinking. What a great showcase of Australian wildlife, you might be thinking.
WRONG! Possums are not cute, or adorable, or a great showcase of Australian wildlife. They are giant flipping pain in my possum-hating ass. I probably sound bitter and crazy right now and well, that's because I am. But I don't care! You need to know the truth about possums - that they're sadistic, smelly, loud, they keep me up at night, they pee in the roof, they chew our electrical wires, and - now I can't say this for sure - but I'm pretty sure they're plotting the annaihalation of the human race: