Thursday, October 15, 2009

Catherine and Jacki: Take Sydney

Is anyone else of the opinion that my sister and I should have our own reality show?
Probably not.
Maybe our mother, if she thought it meant we'd be making enough money to move out, and she could finally retire and buy a house in Avalon. Anyone else? I don't think so. But there should be! Here's a potential episode:

(Scene: We're shopping in Spotlight, and I've just found Catherine loitering in the christmas decorations aisle)
Jacki: What the hell are you doing in this aisle?
(Oh, okay, I should explain: earlier, Catherine had expressed an intense loathing of all Christmas-related decorations, on account of their 'garish-ness')
Catherine: ...I don't know. (Points to a Santa hat emblazoned with the phrase 'Ba-humbug') What does Ba-humbug mean?
Jacki: I'm not sure. I think it's one of those made up phrases, like meshugenah.
Catherine: Meshugenah? What does that mean?
Jacki: I don't know. 'Crazy shit'? It's Yiddish.
Catherine: You're Yiddish.
Jacki: Well if I'm Yiddish, so are you - we're related.
Catherine: (Points to a pile of tinsle in an obvious attempt to distract me from the fact that she has lost the previous argument) Pink tinsle? When the f*** did pink become a Christmas colour?
Jacki: Dude, don't swear. There's kids in here.
Catherine: You swear all the time!
Jacki: Not in front of kids!
Catherine: You swore in front of Sean the other day!
Jacki: Yeah, well...
(Awkward silence)
Catherine: Lets get out of here, I farted.
(Later, at the checkout)
Jacki: (Points to some square stickers) Hey, these are cool!
Catherine: They're square and ugly.
Jacki: (Points to some round stickers) These are cool too.
Catherine: They're round and ugly.
Jacki: You know what else is round and ugly? Your face.
Catherine: (Holds up two 'make your own keyring' packs, one snake-shaped and one dragonfly-shaped) Which one should I get?
Jacki: Neither, they're both stupid - like you.
Catherine: (Looks wounded)
Jacki: Oh, alright. Get the dragonfly.
Catherine: Yay! (Puts on top of my purchases)
Jacki: I'm not paying for that.
Catherine: I know, I'll pay. (Pause). Actually, no, can you pay?
Jacki: No!
Catherine: You have to! You owe me money!
Jacki: What? No I don't!
Catherine: Yeah you do! Remember last time we split the cost of the groceries, and you thought you paid for half, but you didn't, and as we were walking out of Coles I said "Hey, you still owe me seven bucks" and you said "Yeah, I'll pay you back later, I promise", and then you didn't!!
Jacki: You made that up!
Catherine: Why would I make that up?
Jacki: So I'd pay for your crappy keyring!!
Catherine: Oh look, the registers open! (Slides my stuff in front of the cashier and puts the keyring on top)

Right? Right?? And I know I'm not the only one who finds that entertaining, because as it was playing out (oh yes, that conversation actually happened), both the cashier I mentioned and the family in front of us were pissing themselves.
Alternatively, someone could just film the two of us sitting around playing a marathon game of 'Would you rather...?':

Jacki: Would you rather I sat by your bed all night flicking the light switch on and off, OR if sat by your clock all night, and every time the time changed, I read it out in a really loud alien voice?
Catherine: You are the weirdest person ever.
Jacki: That's not an answer!

Catherine: Would you rather watch Wentworth Miller get married to someone else, knowing he would never leave them, OR watch him die?
Jacki: Wentworth Miller die? Don't even SAY something like that!!

Jacki: Would you rather rape the cat, OR contract herpes from Paul Walker?
Catherine: How about, would I rather contract herpes from the cat or rape Paul Walker?
Jacki: You can't rape the willing.
Catherine: Damn straight!!

Oh man. You can't make that stuff up.

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