Au Revoir, Planet Sydney!

Hello, internet. Are you ready for 10 Jacki-free days?
Well you better get ready, punks. Because I'm leaving tomorrow!
Anyway.
Here are a few seemingly random thoughts I had while packing my bag:

• Jeans or no jeans? It's weird that I've been going to Lord Howe once a year every year for the past 2 decades, and yet I can never remember whether or not jeans should make the packing list.
• Dude, I should totally start watching Lost again.

And that's it. That's where I got stuck - now its 11.26pm, I have to leave at 10 in the morning, I haven't packed, and I'm in the middle of a Lost marathon.
Sigh.
How did I get to be so stupid?
Seriously. I want to know. How? I expect you all to have written 8-page essays on the subject by the time I get back.
Ciao, bitches!!

Dear Hilary Swank...

So I'm having a pretty slow Saturday night. Actually, I was just sitting here on my couch watching The Core, and I decided to write a letter to Hilary Swank:

Dear Hilary Swank,

What the f***?

Sincerely, Jacki Trew

Really though. She went from Million Dollar Baby...to this? I am in awe. And not the good kind of awe. Is there a bad kind of awe? Perhaps 'awe' isn't the right word. Fine, I am in shock. I am shocked. If it weren't for my love of shitty movies and Core co-star Aaron Eckhart's intruiging bone structure, I would be switching off the TV right now.
Having said that, I think you should all watch it. Just in case, you know, the Earth's core does stop spinning and we all burst into flame or whatever; at least we can say we saw it coming.

Ladies, Look Away

One of the strangest things about me is that I am a girl, yet there are jokes offensive to women that I still find funny.
If you are like me, you should read THIS joke.
I have been laughing for 15 minutes.

Right now I'm doing three things:

1. Watching The Ruins on Movie One

2. Considering a new look for my blog

Oh my gosh, The Ruins. You guys need to watch it. Even if you claim to really hate crappy low-budget horror movies. Especially if you claim to really hate crappy low-budget horror movies. I've already done a film review this week, so I'm not gonna go on and on about it. To sum up?

Mexico + alcohol + hot uni students + plants that eat people.

Always a winning combination.

Now about this new look. I've had this one for a while, and I'm getting a little tired of it. Shall I? Shant I? Should I? Aah, who gives a crap. Still, if you have any opinion on the matter, don't hesitate to leave me a comment or shoot me an email or send me a letter or write me a poem or fly me a carrier pidgeon or film yourself talking and post it on YouTube for the whole world to see.

Oh, hey! Remember at the very beginning of this post, when I said I was doing three things? You may have noticed that I never listed the third thing. Well here it is:

Again, I'm kidding. I only wish I was doing that.

Rain Swollen River - Ha!

You might be wondering why I've been blogging so much as of late. Well, I've got nothing going on in my life for one thing. And for another, I'm going to Lord Howe Island on monday - and when I do, you'll all be without me for 10 whole days.
Except for Julia, who wont be able to get rid of me for 10 whole days.

Yeah...good luck Julia.

Anyway, I'm basically just posting a whole lot of crap to tide you guys over until my return. Don't read it all at once, y'all!

Of course I am joking. You should read it, read it all, read it all right this second. I'll be pretty flippin' angry if you don't. Even angrier than I am at myself right now for just using the word y'all and thinking I could get away with it.

Apparently these four firefighters in America are being hailed as total heroes after rescuing a dog from a rain swollen river in Los Angeles. We'll get to the firefighters in a sec, but first I'd just like to take a moment to appreciate the phrase rain swollen river.

Because it is hilarious.

I don't know why. I don't care why. I just love it - and if that makes me a crazy person, I am more than willing to deal.

Now, the firefighters. Kudos to them, but I don't really understand. Who called them? There was no fire! There was a dog and a helicopter and a river. Surely this is a job for the coast guard? Anyway. The best part of the whole story is that when the dude (after flying over the river and being lowered into it with what I'm assuming was some sort of canine-harness) finally got to the dog, it started mauling him. Ha! I'm not even kidding - he had to go to the hospital and everything! And I gotta say, after seeing a photo of said dog, I'm kind of not surprised. God and everyone else knows I love puppies, but maybe they should have left this one in the river:Okay, kidding. That's not the dog. The real dog is scarier:

Green eyes?? Those are the dogs they breed in hell!
By the way, I am so glad I used Google Images to find those photos. This is the funniest thing I have seen in my life:

Back By Popular Demand...Shower Thoughts #34

What I'd like to know is, how come - on American Idol - it's only the people who can't sing that act totally nuts? You know what I mean? It's always the ones who really suck that keep singing even after the judges say no. I want someone to win a ticket to Hollywood, and then have to be escorted from the building.
That's entertainment.

48? Boy Was I Off The Mark!

I figured it out! Why I'm finding it so hard to get a job, that is. I mean, aside from the obvious reasons - like that I haven't actually started looking for a job yet. Or that I'm clinically insane. Or that my only 'skill' is being able to re-enact any scene from the TV show Prison Break at the drop of a hat.
Those are insignificant. The REAL reason is this: I am way too picky.
To illustrate (and because I have an unnatural fondness for list making), here is a little something I like to call...

JACKI TREW'S LIST OF POTENTIAL JOB PREREQUISITES (Did I spell that right?...Yep, yep, I did.)

1. Nailpolish

It sounds stupid, but I suffered through 6 long years of high school without nailpolish, and I felt naked without it. I don't have a collection of over 25 colours for nothing, people! And on that note...

2. Piercings

Permission to wear (several pairs of) earrings? After all the hassle of getting them done, it'd be a pain in the ass if the holes closed over.

3. A Computer

So I can blog-on-the-job. Duh.

4. No Old People

Nothing against the elderly, I just have an unfounded fear of them. And more than that, I feel like I might freak them out. Plus I wanna be able to talk about stuff like American Idol and the internet and Jaegar Bombs and how smokin' hot Wentworth Miller is, and let's face it - anyone over the age of 70 is gonna have no freaking clue what I'm going on about.

5. No Experience Necessary

Like I said, apart from loving TV way too much, I am essentially skill-less. Skill-less enough to not recognise that 'skill-less' isn't actually a word. Oh man, I'm in trouble.

6. Denim

Okay, denim needs to be part of the dress code. Mainly because I plan on having a year-round job, and the only winter-appropriate clothing I own is jeans. Denim jeans.

7. Loud Noises

I have a naturally loud voice. And I'd like to be able to use it.

8. No Sharp Objects

Only because I am probably the least-coordinated and most accident-prone person in the history of the universe, and having to leave work to get stitches (again) might be a hassle.

9. The Love Of My Life

I don't think this is too unreasonable. I'd just like to work with Wentworth Miller, have him fall hopelessly in love with me, propose after 6 months, and marry me on a beach at sunset. Pretty standard stuff really.

and finally,

10. No Hair Nets

I only just thought of this now, but how true is it? I mean, hair nets?

Ew.

Oh, and I'd like to have weekends off.

So yeah.

I think my dream career would read something along the lines of 'Rachel Zoe's Job By Day, Blogger By Night', but right now I'm pretty set to become a homeless person. Or to be more specific, a young well-dressed, loud-speaking homeless person who owns a computer and stalks Wentworth Miller.

All I can say for sure is that one profession I'm not getting into is Celebrity Age Guessing, especially since I just found out that George Clooney is only 48. What the hell? Boy was I off the mark!

I Finally Saw Avatar

I know what you're thinking. Another movie review? Why don't I just get a job as a real film critic already? Well I'll tell you why not - because there are no listings for film critics at My Career. And even if there were, I doubt anyone is gonna hire the girl who after watching The Twilight Saga: New Moon, spent 3 and a half paragraphs talking about Rob Pattinson's lopsided nipples.
Regardless. Lets talk about Avatar.

Umm...okay. It is wrong to find an alien handsome? I mean, is this just me? Have I been alone for too long, or were those blue dudes totally hot? I know 'handsome' isn't usually a word one would associate with an extra-terrestrial being, but...damn. Do those guys work out or what? I feel like I spent the first half of the movie reminding myself to breathe. And the second half trying to decide whether the Avatars were hotter than Wentworth Miller. And the cab ride home fighting a heart attack as I imagined Wentworth Miller as an Avatar.
...Oh, my.
What was I talking about again?
Right, right, the movie.
Well first off, is there anyone left in the world who hasn't seen this film yet? Anyone? Is it you? Are you the only person left? If you are, I want you to smack yourself in the face, really really hard. Then quit wasting your time with my blog, and go see it. Now! Right now! Preferably at the IMAX. Do it!
Are you doing it?
DO IT!
Wow, I am bossy today. I feel it's justified though, since this is probably one of the most legendary films ever made. Really. Legendary was the best word I could come up with right then, and even that doesn't do it justice. What's better than legendary?
I'll tell you what is: Avatar.
James Cameron, you've done it again. It's like a wonderful cross between every futuristic movie I've ever seen, Pocahontas and Fern Gully. Remember Fern Gully? From when we were like, 5? With the forest and the fairies and the giant willow tree? Yeah, that plus the entire Sci-Fi genre = Avatar. If Dr Spock, Neo, Pocahontas and the old lady from Fern Gully got drunk at a bar together and went home for some crazy four-way sex, this movie would be the result.
And really, how could anyone say no to that?
No wonder it's the highest grossing movie of all time.

So, in conclusion:
- Avatar is incredible.
- You should all relive your childhoods with a screening of Fern Gully, and
- I am a freak who is attracted to blue aliens.
4 and a half stars.

I'll apologise in advance, because I'm in some sort of mood at the moment. I don't know what it is. I think I ate too much cheese today or something. I just wanna punch planet earth in the face. Anyway.
I might get in trouble for this, but I gotta say it: What is going on with the way Americans pronounce 'Craig'?
Just, you know. Thinking out loud.


Hey, do you guys remember when I talked about my sister joining the Navy?
Well for future reference, here is a list of things NOT to do at your sister's Navy Induction Ceremony:

• Disregard the dress-code. When they say 'Business Attire', they really mean 'Business Attire'. Not 'Whatever Clothes Were Lying Closest To The Bed'.
• Blow purple bubble gum bubbles.
• Pull faces at your sister while she's being inducted; she will not see you, and everyone else on the stage will think you are a crazy person.
• Make jokes about the Navy uniforms.
• Make jokes about the Navy flags.
• Make jokes about the induction room decor.
• Make jokes about anything at all, really.
• Suggest a new Navy training regime which involves the Dancing Zumba! workout DVD

and finally,

• Describe (in detail) the "totally hot guy" you saw on your way in. Because odds are, he will be standing right behind you. And listening.

Happy (Belated) Birthday Madi

Hi kids!

Wow, it's been a while. Well, 5 days. Is that 'a while'? Probably not to a normal person. Then again, I am neither normal nor a person, so it all works out.
Except that I am actually a person.

Whatever.

Here's a belated Happy Birthday with two capital letters to Miss Madi MuSung, also known as The Girl Who Sat Next To Me On The First Day Of Kindergarten And Hasn't Been Able To Rid Herself Of Me Yet.
So Happy Birthday Madi. And thankyou - for putting up with me for the past two decades, agreeing to go along with most of my insane 'lets get famous' escapades, and for being the living proof that it is possible to leave your teenage years behind and still look like a 15-year-old.
I can only hope I will be so lucky.
Anyway, I would have baked a cake or done a dance or sung a song, but since none of those things can be enjoyed by planet earth via the internet, I decided to give you this work of art instead:

I call it "16 Year Old Jacki Trew And Friend Unintentionally Create The Most Awkward Photograph Ever"
Enjoy.

In unrelated news, I am now - as of about 3 o'clock this afternoon - an official member of the 'Only Child' club. And by 'official' what I of course mean is 'unofficial'. And by 'unofficial' what I of course mean is...'I just decided to make myself part of the club, okay?'
Anyway.
My sister joined the Navy. That's how I figured myself to be part of the club. She left for HMAS Creswell this afternoon, and the first thing I did afterwards was run into her room and jump up and down on her bed for like 25 minutes.
Immature? Yeah.
Dangerous? A little.
A mind-numbingly stupid idea? No doubt.
But if being able to jump up and down on your sisters bed without the constant fear of death or dismemberment doesn't spell 'Only Child', I honestly don't know what does.

Dream Jacki VS Real Jacki

These holidays have made me lazy in a way that is inexcusable.
Seriously.
I'm trying to remember the last time my hair was this dirty. Year 9 camp, perhaps? Or maybe that time I had Glandular Fever and couldn't get out of bed for a week.
Wow, am I painting a pretty picture of myself or what? Get in line, boys!
Haha. Suddenly, not so hard to understand why I'm alone. Meanwhile, my dream-self has been getting tonnes of action.
Oh, have I not told you guys about this?
My sister and I invented a word for the person you become when you are dreaming. It's your 'dream-self'. Why did we do this? Well because we are losers with too much time on our hands for one thing. And for another, I needed a way to distinguish between Real Jacki and Dream Jacki - because sometimes, they are complete opposites.
For example, Dream Jacki was pregnant last night. Yeah - see what I mean about my dream-self getting tonnes of action? But I can't go around screaming about how "I was pregnant last night!" because it would probably freak out my Mum. Hey, you know what else Dream Jacki did?
Dated Wentworth Miller.
Yeah, I am not even kidding. That lucky bitch! He even had a pet nickname for her, though it's so embarrassingly mushy that I won't reveal it here. If you really want to know, you'll have to ask Julia.
Or Kiera.
Or my sister.
Damn, I should really stop telling people about my awkward Dream Details.
Anyway, it's all good, because I totally got back at Dream Jacki by having to pee bad enough to wake her up. No more Wentworth Date Time for you, Dream Jacki! Haha!
Of course when it comes to Wentworth Miller, Dream Jacki and Real Jacki both want the same thing, so I was really only hurting myself.

Oh my gosh.
I just read that last paragraph and realised how insane I sound. For once, I hope Wentworth Miller doesn't read this blog, because all he's gonna get from it is that some crazed Australian polar-schizophrenic teenager is after him. And that's not true at all: I'm not polar-schizophrenic!!

Just A Note...

I know I've been talking about it for the past 2 or 3 months, but the official launch of Always Late For Tea: Issue One PASSION was today.
Or maybe yesterday.
The day before?
Well, it was this week for sure. I should really get on top of these things.
Anyway, check it out. Issue One includes:

• Interviews with singer Katie Noonan, YouTube extraordinaire Sam Palileo, Chloe Charody - head honcho at Musique Art Magazine, and Dave Hosking - frontman of the upcoming indie band Boy & Bear
• Poetry by Steph Judd
• Photography by Tym Yee and Illustrations by Josh Climpson
• Culture by Caitlyn Adamson
• Fashion by Andy Pierce

Oh, and

• A numerous and seemingly random collection of ridiculous thoughts by some girl who occasionally manages to make people laugh

Enjoy!

So, I know I already wrote a massive post today, but I really need to talk about the picture on this milk carton:

I don't understand. What is a 'turf farm'? And abattoir? Nobody wants to think about that when they're trying to drink milk. And what?! You don't have to send a cow to the abattoir just to get milk! It's totally not necessary! In fact, I really really wouldn't reccommend it!

And what's with the cow? It doesn't even look like a cow, it looks like 2 people dressed in a cow suit. And why is the road yellow? Does this cow live in Oz? Is he off to see The Wizard?

I am so damn confused. And scared. And kind of thirsty for some milk.

Can anyone solve this? Or at least, give me something else to obsess over.

Who Wears A Beanie To The Golden Globes?!

Usually I feel kind of guilty about it, but today I've had no personal qualms with sitting in front of the TV for 4 straight hours - even though I'm unemployed and broke and have a mother who is constantly nagging me to get a job - because the Golden Globes were on. And any event that combines celebrities, public speaking and alcohol is pretty high on my list of priorities.

I'll look for a job tomorrow.

First, let's talk about Meryl Streep. Is it totally weird that I am a little bit in love with her? I know she's like 60, but all I want to do is invite her over for pizza and a Prison Break marathon. She'd enjoy that, right? I find it hard to imagine a woman who wouldn't appreciate Wentworth Miller in all his tattoo-ed glory. And everyone loves pizza.

Another person I've discovered I have a weird thing for is Julia Roberts. In her carpet interview she said something about NBC being 'in the toilet!' which I thought was very funny, but probably only because I am enough of a loser to be following this whole Jay Leno/Conan O'Brien debacle. She also looks alot younger than she is, and that always scores points with me.

I think one of my favourite things about the whole day was the Red Carpet, mainly because it was raining, and Fergie's hair frizzed right up. Celebrities - they're just like you and me!

I also enjoyed Chloe Sevigny's dress. Well, no. I enjoyed making fun of Chloe Sevigny's dress, and then revelling in the moment when someone stepped on the train and ripped it. Gold.

Nicole Kidman...well, here's how my reaction went:

Jacki: Why does Nicole Kidman always wear clothes that are the same colour as her skin?

Catherine: I don't know.

She does though. Still, I am so obsessed with every Baz Luhrmann film ever made that I can overlook it. Yeah, and just for the record:

Dress I Loved

Dress I Loathed

Dress That Made Me Feel As Though I Was About To Have Some Sort Of Stroke

Ricky Gervais was a pretty damn good host, if for no other reason, then just because of the way he pronounces the word 'category'.

Cah-eh-gor-ey.

I could listen to that man talk forever. Dammit, why can't I be British?

Mel Gibson got up at some point to make a very confusing joke about the movie Inglorious Basterds which I didn't really get because I was too distracted by the fact that he has grey hair now. And that his suit was about 3 sizes too big. And that he was even there really, because seriously when was the last time you watched a movie with Mel Gibson in it?

Haha. I'm mean.

Speaking of confusing jokes that people don't get, Toni Collette said something funny in her speech about her last trip to the Golden Globes, and how she went to the loo and missed her whole category.

Dead silence.

I laughed, but I think I was the only one since (I am assuming) Americans dont know the meaning of the word 'loo'. Poor Toni.

What else?

Oh!

As James Cameron was walking up to collect his award for best director, they played a Celine Dion song. Really you guys? Celine Dion? Titanic was more than 10 years ago, yo. You do realise he's got a new movie now, right? I don't know if you've heard of it, it's got blue people and dinosaurs and a war about some shit that wasn't explained in the trailer? Check it out. Really. Looks pretty good.

Now, about the worst part of the day...an appearance by Taylor Lautner. Okay, no, that's not true. The worst part was that all The Hangover cast members were there except for the dude who plays Allen. What? No! Allen is my reason for living! Well, no, strictly Wentworth is my reason for living. But Allen is definitely an inspiration for the insane portion of my personality. So, like 97% of it.

What was I saying? Oh, Taylor Lautner. Firstly because, well, he's Jacob. Whom I loath with an intensity that rivals Luke Skywalker's hatred of Darth Vader. Yes, Jacob Black is my Darth Vader. That makes no sense, but whatever. I also feel like it's a bit unfair for ONE person to possess so much of the handsome gene. Pass it around, greedy!

Alright, I think I'm done. Oh one more thing:

WHO WEARS A BEANIE TO THE GOLDEN GLOBES?!
Ok. Now I'm done.

Oh my goodness I am a strange form of human.
And I know what you're thinking - "Holy balls, Jacki, are you only just discovering this now? We've known for years, you nutbag!"
No, I've known. I know. But what I am only just discovering is that one of my favourite hobbies is to read YouTube video comments.
I mean.
That's weird right? It should be weird. But people are hilarious! Is this just me? People are funny! They should know how funny they are! I should tell them!

I fear I'm not making much sense. That might be because I'm in the midst of a Prison Break marathon. Season One. Otherwise known as The Season In Which Wentworth Appears Shirtless 9 Times.
And who could be expected to make sense while that's going on in the background?

Jacki's Quest For Ellen Domination

Have you been reading my blog lately? Unless you are one of my parents or my best friend, the answer to that question is probably no. So here is a recap of the past 48 hours in Jacki's World:

• Simon Cowell has hairy arms
• Google.com/images blows my freaking mind-hole
• My goal for this year: To appear a guest on The Ellen Degeneres Show

Let's talk about that last one. Obviously, I am made for day-time television. I'm crazy, unemployed, a woman, I've got alot of time on my hands, and I love to dance. But what is the best way to get Ellen's attention? Here are my ideas:

• Save enough money to fly to California, score tickets to The Ellen Show, be in the audience, strip off my clothes, and run naked across the stage during a Meryl Streep interview.

That's it. That's all I've got.
That's all I've got? To run naked across the stage during a Meryl Streep interview?
Dude. I need to get out more.
My only other idea is to invent some sort of 'Jacki's Quest For Ellen Domination' campaign poster and post it all over the internet. Which I would do right now, if it weren't for the fact that, well, I've already done it: If you've got a better idea, let me know. I'm willing to publicly humiliate the both of us in order to get it done.

Two Guys In Suits And Bike Helmets...Making Out

Oh my gosh, okay. I have discovered three equally awesome and hilarious things today:

1) Simon Cowell has an extreme amount of arm hair.

2) I...wait, dammit! I totally forgot number 2. Um...we'll come back to this later.

and 3) One of the first photos that comes up in google.com/images when one searches the phrase 'google.com/images' is of two guys in suits and bike helmets making out. Oh, my. Oh, yes. Don't believe me? Well check it for yourself.

...

Okay I totally don't trust that you guys are gonna check it for yourselves. So here it is:

Haha. Told ya!

Just for future reference, that's the second photo that comes up. I have no idea why or in what situation you would be referencing this conversation in the future, but yeah. The first photo that comes up is of two G.I Joe dolls standing on a dead squirrel.

Yep.

Just in case you didn't catch that the first time, what I said was that THE FIRST PHOTO ON GOOGLE/IMAGES IS OF TWO G.I JOE DOLLS STANDING ON TOP OF A DEAD SQUIRREL.

Holy balls, planet earth. What kind of crazy messed-up society are we living in, that the first photo on google/images is of two G.I Joe dolls standing on top of a dead squirrel? Man! If I weren't so crazy and messed-up myself, I'd probably find this totally disturbing.

Well, whatever.

On a completely different note, I implore all of you to take a 10 minute trip to www.bowerbirdandfox.wordpress.com and check out Tym Yee's post of the week. I believe the exact words I used to describe it were, um, "Ab Fab". If you're really bored, you can read mine too - though I feel I must warn you, it's less Ab Fab and more Complete Psychobabble than anything else. Story of my life.

Oh, hey! I just remembered number 2: Some famous guy I have never heard of named his kid Reignbeau. Reignbeau. Like 'Rainbow', except a thousand times douchier because the guy decided to invent his own way to spell it? Sensational. Somehow, I don't think anyone is going to give me a hard time for naming my first born 'Wentworth' after this.

Chelsea, Ellen, Rove, And The Invention Of The Square-Shaped Burger

Hello internet.
I've got something to talk about. You want to hear it?
Well, since Rove isn't on anymore and Ellen only airs in the middle of the day, I've had to find myself a new talkshow addiction. So I started watching this Chelsea Lately show on the E! Channel - mostly because I love E! and all things E!, but also because I think if Ellen Degeneres reads about me watching Chelsea...well, she might get jealous.
Jealous, Ellen?
Yoouuu'reeee jealous.

Anyway. The more I watch these American talkshows, the more I am reminded of, well, America. And, oh, America! What a magical place it is - full of wonder and opportunity and history and square-shaped hamburgers.
Seriously.
What is up, Australia? Or should I say, what is up with the lack of square-shaped hamburgers, Australia?
Why don't we have square-shaped hamburgers? Huh? Huh? Who should I be talking to about this? Kevin Rudd? Get on it, will you Kevin? Because I am feeling a void in my life, and it is shaped like a square.
...
A square-shaped hamburger.


Okay, and just so you guys know, I am not some freak crazed square-burger fan. Yes I am a freak, yes I am crazed, yes I like square-burgers and yes I...fan...things, but that's not why I brought it up. On tonight's episode of Chelsea Lately, they were talking about McDonalds vs Wendys. That's how the square-burger thing came up. Apparently in America, Wendys is a burger joint. A square-burger joint. Chelsea obviously loves the idea of square-shaped burgers as much as I do, because she said inventing a square-burger was like - and I quote - "thinking outside the burger box."
Huh. Thinking outside the burger box? Clearly, I am all for a square-shaped burger...but actually what I think they were doing was thinking exactly inside the burger box.
Get it?
Because a burger box is square?
And the burgers are square-shaped? Square-shaped burgers?

I should get paid for this stuff.

Happy 800th Post!

Happy Tuesday, everyone! Oh, and did I mention that it's my 800th post?
Yes, yes I did. Just thought I'd bring it up again. Because it's awesome. I'm practically a writer now! Well, no, not really. Not unless 'writer' actually means 'crazy person'.
Well, whatever. 800 posts! Awesome!
Yay for me.

Hey, speaking of things that are awesome - let's talk about Ellen Degeneres. I am a fan. I am definitely a fan of Ellen. Anyone who knows me knows this. My family especially, since whenever her show is on, I make them watch it. And then watch it again. And then listen to me as I talk about how one day, I'm going to be a guest on The Ellen Degeneres Show. When and why? I have absolutely no idea. All I know is that I will be naked, and Wentworth Miller will be there.
Oh, no, wait. That's a different day I'm thinking of.
Still, I've thought long and hard (haha, long and hard) about this, and I've officially decided that my belated-new-years-slash-celebratory-800th-post resolution is...

To Be Invited To Appear As A Guest On The Ellen Degeneres Show

Quite a feat, I am aware. But I think it's doable.

Ellen herself has made a new years resolution to become the most watched daytime television show host on the planet. She is calling it Ellen's Quest For World Domination. And since Ellen named her new years resolution, well, I thought it only appropriate that I name mine. So, ladies, gentlemen and non-human members of the Jacki Trew Fan Club - Welcome to...

JACKI'S QUEST FOR ELLEN DOMINATION

Holy crap, would you look at the size of that font? That's how enthusiastic I am about this. The size of that font enthusiastic. And yeah, I am aware that that makes no sense, but still! Welcome, like I just said 3 seconds ago, to Jacki's Quest For Ellen Domination. I can't give away too much of whats to come, but you can bet there will be YouTube videos, public humiliation, ridiculous facebook groups, and that at some point, I will be coercing Julia into driving me around Sydney with a handheld camera and a poster of Ellen's face.

Let the games begin!

Welcome to the new year, people. Are you liking it? Are you loving it? Are you still hung-over?

Brilliant.
Anyway, it seems kind of fruitless to have this conversation now, but lets talk about new years resolutions. Mine must have been to morph into Miss Anal Annie, because I've spent the last 2 and a half days organising my iPod in such a way that every song now has an accompanying piece of album art.


Every. Single. Song.


Do you have any idea how meticulous that is? More to the point, do you have any idea how pointless that is? But I don't care. It's done. It's finished. It looks pretty. And along the way, I discovered what must be the most retarded album cover in the history of music:

Oh yes. It's real. I know my use of the word 'retarded' just there might offend some people, but really - try to find a better adjective for that photograph. Go on, try. I dare you.
So, yeah. Other than that, my only resolution is to find a way onto The Ellen Degeneres Show. Also, I would enjoy marrying Wentworth Miller. All in a years work, I suppose.