tampon cake is born
Monday, July 31, 2006
hated by the boof
well
i have further proof that all the teachers hate me.
today, on vandi, when we were in the middle of our daily ritual of throwing empty poppers and apple cores at each other, mainly directed at lauren due to her suggestion that we go to south australia for schoolies (which is just ridiculous because we'd probably all get killed by backpacker killers, which you know, would be funny for the first five seconds but for the rest of the time would just be total sucko), and in her defence, lauren threw one of the poppers over the brick wall and into the garden.
anyway
unfortunately for lauren, while she was throwing the popper over the wall, the boof just happened to be walking past, and she saw.
so of course she abandoned her stroll in the playground to come stand on vandi and find out who threw the popper, and well i guess it wasnt so unfortunate for lauren because she didnt even to bother finding out who threw it she just pointed at me and went...
Was that YOU jacki trew?
and of course because it wasnt me i said
NO
and then she just stood and looked disbelievingly at me, probably hoping that i would start weeping or something so that she could feel satisfied at having filled her daily quota of making students cry in fear.
seriously
all teachers hate me
i have further proof that all the teachers hate me.
today, on vandi, when we were in the middle of our daily ritual of throwing empty poppers and apple cores at each other, mainly directed at lauren due to her suggestion that we go to south australia for schoolies (which is just ridiculous because we'd probably all get killed by backpacker killers, which you know, would be funny for the first five seconds but for the rest of the time would just be total sucko), and in her defence, lauren threw one of the poppers over the brick wall and into the garden.
anyway
unfortunately for lauren, while she was throwing the popper over the wall, the boof just happened to be walking past, and she saw.
so of course she abandoned her stroll in the playground to come stand on vandi and find out who threw the popper, and well i guess it wasnt so unfortunate for lauren because she didnt even to bother finding out who threw it she just pointed at me and went...
Was that YOU jacki trew?
and of course because it wasnt me i said
NO
and then she just stood and looked disbelievingly at me, probably hoping that i would start weeping or something so that she could feel satisfied at having filled her daily quota of making students cry in fear.
seriously
all teachers hate me
the un-fertile
so anyway. today hannah became the second last person in our group to turn fertile..
the last person being me.
so of course we all went crazy and started screaming and throwing food (which we would later regret as vandi was inspected by the boof) and planning hannahs pink party which will take place tomorrow and involve party hats and pink jelly beans and a cake shaped like a tampon.
oh how joyous.
and then we all enjoyed julia singing her version of "baron sharon" and inventing a fertility initiation dance for hannah and a rejection dance for me.
which will be fun.
the last person being me.
so of course we all went crazy and started screaming and throwing food (which we would later regret as vandi was inspected by the boof) and planning hannahs pink party which will take place tomorrow and involve party hats and pink jelly beans and a cake shaped like a tampon.
oh how joyous.
and then we all enjoyed julia singing her version of "baron sharon" and inventing a fertility initiation dance for hannah and a rejection dance for me.
which will be fun.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
theyre after me
ok.
it seems like every day i can add someone new to the list of people who want to kill me.
list so far?
it seems like every day i can add someone new to the list of people who want to kill me.
list so far?
- Emmy
- Ivan Milat
- Spiders
- That Selig woman
- My bus driver
- The staff at Apple Computers
- Those magpies in the park
- Catherine
- Any person who has ever heard me sing
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
my own stalker
yes.
well what im really looking forward to is the tv special on tonight at 8.30 on channel 7: Ivan Milat, Born to Kill.
you know. despite the fact that when i walked home today i totally had to walk right past the VERY SAME SPOT that some IVAN MILAT COPY-CAT brutally KILLED someone.
and then right after that i had to walk right past the VERY GOLF COURSE where some person got killed by SOME OTHER IVAN MILAT LOOK-ALIKE.
then when i got home i had to walk into my house which is right down the street from longueville road where SOME OLD LADY GOT BASHED RIGHT OUTSIDE HER FRONT DOOR BY THE GRANNY KILLER.
you know. all of that. plus the fact that I was voted "most likely to be killed by Ivan Milat", plus the fact that he is probably seeking revenge on me at this very moment after all those jokes I made in his expense, plus the fact that I am a perfect target on account of my clumsiness, inability to run when being chased, and infamous granny-hands.
but other than that.
i am so taping it.
well what im really looking forward to is the tv special on tonight at 8.30 on channel 7: Ivan Milat, Born to Kill.
you know. despite the fact that when i walked home today i totally had to walk right past the VERY SAME SPOT that some IVAN MILAT COPY-CAT brutally KILLED someone.
and then right after that i had to walk right past the VERY GOLF COURSE where some person got killed by SOME OTHER IVAN MILAT LOOK-ALIKE.
then when i got home i had to walk into my house which is right down the street from longueville road where SOME OLD LADY GOT BASHED RIGHT OUTSIDE HER FRONT DOOR BY THE GRANNY KILLER.
you know. all of that. plus the fact that I was voted "most likely to be killed by Ivan Milat", plus the fact that he is probably seeking revenge on me at this very moment after all those jokes I made in his expense, plus the fact that I am a perfect target on account of my clumsiness, inability to run when being chased, and infamous granny-hands.
but other than that.
i am so taping it.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
my reluctant return to school - part 2
well today was heinous in everyway possible except for modern because modern is my reason for existance and emmy is the apple of my eye.
but everything else was total sucko because well i found out we have to hand in both our historical investigations in like less than two weeks and i havent started either of them.
also that i have an extension essay tomorrow on the comparison of two books, neither of which i have bothered to read.
also that i have an economics essay due on thursday, which i read the question for, and then thought to myself...
"how did i go my entire life without learning any of those words?"
but most of that was made up for by the few seconds i have each day to view the hilarity in kiera struggling to get up the stairs on her crutches.
but everything else was total sucko because well i found out we have to hand in both our historical investigations in like less than two weeks and i havent started either of them.
also that i have an extension essay tomorrow on the comparison of two books, neither of which i have bothered to read.
also that i have an economics essay due on thursday, which i read the question for, and then thought to myself...
"how did i go my entire life without learning any of those words?"
but most of that was made up for by the few seconds i have each day to view the hilarity in kiera struggling to get up the stairs on her crutches.
Monday, July 24, 2006
my reluctant return to school - part 1
phew
i so almost just had a heart attack because
a) tomorrow is the first day of school
b) its a tuesday
c) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have p.e
d) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have to face that woman
but luckily for me there is no p.e until thursday, so i have at least 2 days to concoct some lame excuse as to why i dont have p.e shorts, as well as to concoct some lame excuse as to why it is illegal for p.e teachers to lynch their students.
i so almost just had a heart attack because
a) tomorrow is the first day of school
b) its a tuesday
c) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have p.e
d) there is a fifty percent chance that i will have to face that woman
but luckily for me there is no p.e until thursday, so i have at least 2 days to concoct some lame excuse as to why i dont have p.e shorts, as well as to concoct some lame excuse as to why it is illegal for p.e teachers to lynch their students.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
home and away
i finally realised why its so hard for people to understand what the hell is going on with home and away
(and this is only current characters plus a few randoms)
alf was married to ailsa and was in love with the gov, who went to gaol with dani, who dated scott, the son of beth, who was married to rhys who married shelley, the mother of dani, and now loves tony, the father of jack who is married to martha, best friend of tasha who is married to robbie the son of beth, and is having a baby with jonah. scott loves hayley, the sister of will who married gypsy. hayley was married to noah who was killed by sarah, who was thought to be related to zoe, who dated kim, who is now dating rachel, the sister of brad who has a crush on sally, who was married to flynn. flynn kissed leah who was married to vinnie and had a son with him named vj, and is now married to dan who was married to amanda, mother of belle and ryan. belle lives with irene, who loved paris and barry, who had a fling with beth and is the father of kim, who is engaged to rachel. belle used to date ric, who is dating cassie, who dated macca, the brother of martha. cassie is best friends with maddie, who loves lucas who kissed lee, who is having a baby with mr brayburn.
and that will probably change completely by next week
(and this is only current characters plus a few randoms)
alf was married to ailsa and was in love with the gov, who went to gaol with dani, who dated scott, the son of beth, who was married to rhys who married shelley, the mother of dani, and now loves tony, the father of jack who is married to martha, best friend of tasha who is married to robbie the son of beth, and is having a baby with jonah. scott loves hayley, the sister of will who married gypsy. hayley was married to noah who was killed by sarah, who was thought to be related to zoe, who dated kim, who is now dating rachel, the sister of brad who has a crush on sally, who was married to flynn. flynn kissed leah who was married to vinnie and had a son with him named vj, and is now married to dan who was married to amanda, mother of belle and ryan. belle lives with irene, who loved paris and barry, who had a fling with beth and is the father of kim, who is engaged to rachel. belle used to date ric, who is dating cassie, who dated macca, the brother of martha. cassie is best friends with maddie, who loves lucas who kissed lee, who is having a baby with mr brayburn.
and that will probably change completely by next week
serial electronic killer
oh
my
gosh
i swear.
i have the worst luck with electronics in the world.
like seriously. i am like the serial electronic killer. i AM the serial electronic killer!!
ok. a timeline of my career as a murderer of electronic goods:
my first phone: i had it for 6 months then i had to get it replaced. then it went ok for almost a year. then i think the insides melted.
my second phone: probably my fault for buying it off ebay, but hey, i thought if it works for Bubs itll work for me. no such luck. it was ok for like 4 months then it screwed up.
our computer: was fine until i used it one time to print something. the next day it had been sent away for repairs
my laptop: fine for 10 months then the ram exploded or something so i got it fixed, then 3 days (i kid you not, 3 days) later the fan broke and the hard-drive started to melt or something. fixed again.
my ipod: i had it for 12 months then it stopped working so i got it replaced. 3 months later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. 3 weeks later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. this time the replacement didnt even start working. currently on my fourth replacement.
my third phone: had it for about 3 weeks and it stopped working. got it replaced. stopped working a week ago. not yet replaced.
so people, warn your electronics. keep them away from me.
my
gosh
i swear.
i have the worst luck with electronics in the world.
like seriously. i am like the serial electronic killer. i AM the serial electronic killer!!
ok. a timeline of my career as a murderer of electronic goods:
my first phone: i had it for 6 months then i had to get it replaced. then it went ok for almost a year. then i think the insides melted.
my second phone: probably my fault for buying it off ebay, but hey, i thought if it works for Bubs itll work for me. no such luck. it was ok for like 4 months then it screwed up.
our computer: was fine until i used it one time to print something. the next day it had been sent away for repairs
my laptop: fine for 10 months then the ram exploded or something so i got it fixed, then 3 days (i kid you not, 3 days) later the fan broke and the hard-drive started to melt or something. fixed again.
my ipod: i had it for 12 months then it stopped working so i got it replaced. 3 months later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. 3 weeks later it stopped working again so i got it replaced again. this time the replacement didnt even start working. currently on my fourth replacement.
my third phone: had it for about 3 weeks and it stopped working. got it replaced. stopped working a week ago. not yet replaced.
so people, warn your electronics. keep them away from me.
Friday, July 21, 2006
rump on the rock
oh oh oh
today was so much fun. even though i totally had to get up early.
so i met Beffi and Mai at chatty and we got on the train and then thought "hey, this train trip will be pretty boring unless we play a joke on someone" so we decided to msg Sair and Gem hu just got on the train behind us and tell them we got on the wrong train and it was expressing to Emu Plains.
Ha
anyway they fully believed us so when we got off at circular quay and met Lollen we made a plan to hide from them, so they would see Lollen by herself and think that we were really in Emu Plains, which would then bring a good laugh for all.
anyway.
the plan was all going exactly to plan until they saw us through the enourmous glass window we were hiding behind.
that hiding spot was so not my idea.
anyway then we all went to the rocks and tried to find pancakes on the rocks, and somehow me Gem and Sair got separated from the others just as it started pouring, and of course we were the ones who didnt have umbrellas.
so we stood around for a while thinking up different ways to attack people and take their umbrellas, and eventually we decided to run up this ramp thing which we hoped would take us to the right place.
by this time it was really raining, so in effect the ramp had kind of turned into a waterslide but we got there eventually, and it was fun becoz we all ordered like the chocolitiest thing on the menu (EXCEPT for sair who ordered vanilla bean curd or something) and laughed at this totally revolting pancake we found on the menu which was like cream cheese rolled in lettuce and wrapped in liquid poo or something equally as revolting and played The Hardest Part by Coldplay on the jukebox and laughed hysterically at the video clip (if you havent seen it you should - its like a car crash: horrifically disturbing, but you are somehow unable to tear your eyes away)
anyway then we looked at the menu and realised, hey, there are just as many other things on this menu as there are pancakes, and so sparked the debate of why it is actually called Pancakes On The Rocks, deliberating whether or not it should be given another name, like Ribs On The Rocks, or (my favourite), Rump On The Rock.
then we went to the pier to go to this art gallery thing and look at all the obscure artworks like this fan that someone had glued hair all over. Or that giant chandelier that we sat in front of for like 15 minutes.
Or that video of some old dude playing a trumpet or something which beth said sounded like "a baby throwing up".
anyway then we began our escapade to get to the pitt street mall which took like a dajillion kajillion bazillion years. and then when we finally got there we were like im bored. lets go home.
so home we went.
and it was good.
today was so much fun. even though i totally had to get up early.
so i met Beffi and Mai at chatty and we got on the train and then thought "hey, this train trip will be pretty boring unless we play a joke on someone" so we decided to msg Sair and Gem hu just got on the train behind us and tell them we got on the wrong train and it was expressing to Emu Plains.
Ha
anyway they fully believed us so when we got off at circular quay and met Lollen we made a plan to hide from them, so they would see Lollen by herself and think that we were really in Emu Plains, which would then bring a good laugh for all.
anyway.
the plan was all going exactly to plan until they saw us through the enourmous glass window we were hiding behind.
that hiding spot was so not my idea.
anyway then we all went to the rocks and tried to find pancakes on the rocks, and somehow me Gem and Sair got separated from the others just as it started pouring, and of course we were the ones who didnt have umbrellas.
so we stood around for a while thinking up different ways to attack people and take their umbrellas, and eventually we decided to run up this ramp thing which we hoped would take us to the right place.
by this time it was really raining, so in effect the ramp had kind of turned into a waterslide but we got there eventually, and it was fun becoz we all ordered like the chocolitiest thing on the menu (EXCEPT for sair who ordered vanilla bean curd or something) and laughed at this totally revolting pancake we found on the menu which was like cream cheese rolled in lettuce and wrapped in liquid poo or something equally as revolting and played The Hardest Part by Coldplay on the jukebox and laughed hysterically at the video clip (if you havent seen it you should - its like a car crash: horrifically disturbing, but you are somehow unable to tear your eyes away)
anyway then we looked at the menu and realised, hey, there are just as many other things on this menu as there are pancakes, and so sparked the debate of why it is actually called Pancakes On The Rocks, deliberating whether or not it should be given another name, like Ribs On The Rocks, or (my favourite), Rump On The Rock.
then we went to the pier to go to this art gallery thing and look at all the obscure artworks like this fan that someone had glued hair all over. Or that giant chandelier that we sat in front of for like 15 minutes.
Or that video of some old dude playing a trumpet or something which beth said sounded like "a baby throwing up".
anyway then we began our escapade to get to the pitt street mall which took like a dajillion kajillion bazillion years. and then when we finally got there we were like im bored. lets go home.
so home we went.
and it was good.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
the education board's plot against me
i swear.
like every teacher in australia hates me.
seriously. like every teacher employed by the board of education has to go through a screening process.
do you have a teaching degree? yes
do you handle emotional situations well? yes
do you hate jacki trew? oh yes
like. the principal to my old school. dude. i think she hated me the most.
or maybe the librarian at my old school. i think she was the devil.
that movie The Omen.
yeah, probably based on her life.
like i went back to my old school today, and while i was there i had to do something that i always do when im there, its like a ritual.
i have to go sit in the foyer and get out all the old school photo albums and laugh at the pictures of my friends in year one and so on.
so im sitting there with maddy, laughing hysterically at my haircut at age 8, then suddenly this woman (who i dont even KNOW, but i assume shes the new principle) comes out and goes
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: GIRLS!!
me: yes?
woman: (looking closely at me) Rebecca?
me: what?
woman: REBECCA!!
me: me?
woman: are you Rebecca?
me: um. no
woman: oh. then get out
its so UNFAIR!
but i got them back and then some.
like every teacher in australia hates me.
seriously. like every teacher employed by the board of education has to go through a screening process.
do you have a teaching degree? yes
do you handle emotional situations well? yes
do you hate jacki trew? oh yes
like. the principal to my old school. dude. i think she hated me the most.
or maybe the librarian at my old school. i think she was the devil.
that movie The Omen.
yeah, probably based on her life.
like i went back to my old school today, and while i was there i had to do something that i always do when im there, its like a ritual.
i have to go sit in the foyer and get out all the old school photo albums and laugh at the pictures of my friends in year one and so on.
so im sitting there with maddy, laughing hysterically at my haircut at age 8, then suddenly this woman (who i dont even KNOW, but i assume shes the new principle) comes out and goes
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: girls!
us: hahahahahahha
woman: GIRLS!!
me: yes?
woman: (looking closely at me) Rebecca?
me: what?
woman: REBECCA!!
me: me?
woman: are you Rebecca?
me: um. no
woman: oh. then get out
its so UNFAIR!
but i got them back and then some.
ohmigosh
ohmigosh
ohmigosh
what just happened to me was so good, it may even make it to the top 5 on my "funniest moments of my life" list
i was on msn and then looked at my display picture and thought, hey jacki, thats a pretty crappy display picture, so i decided to change it, so i clicked on the little tab which says click here for options and then i moved my mouse to the line that says change my display picture but WAIT what happened was i thought i moved my mouse to that line, but i accidentally moved my mouse to the line underneath it which says create a dynamic display picture, and when i did, this other list came up, which looked like this:
create a Kiwee Muggin
create a Dynamic Meego
create a Dynamic WeeMee
quebles Display Pictures
AND WHEN I LOOKED AT THE THIRD ONE I THOUGHT IT SAID create a dynamic weewee
and i thought
DYNAMIC WEEWEE?
aha
aahaha
ahahhahahahahahhaa
but then i relalised i was wrong.
but hey. its still pretty funny
ohmigosh
ohmigosh
what just happened to me was so good, it may even make it to the top 5 on my "funniest moments of my life" list
i was on msn and then looked at my display picture and thought, hey jacki, thats a pretty crappy display picture, so i decided to change it, so i clicked on the little tab which says click here for options and then i moved my mouse to the line that says change my display picture but WAIT what happened was i thought i moved my mouse to that line, but i accidentally moved my mouse to the line underneath it which says create a dynamic display picture, and when i did, this other list came up, which looked like this:
create a Kiwee Muggin
create a Dynamic Meego
create a Dynamic WeeMee
quebles Display Pictures
AND WHEN I LOOKED AT THE THIRD ONE I THOUGHT IT SAID create a dynamic weewee
and i thought
DYNAMIC WEEWEE?
aha
aahaha
ahahhahahahahahhaa
but then i relalised i was wrong.
but hey. its still pretty funny
in other words..
what happened when i put the lyrics of "wonderwall" through a theasaurus:
Nowadays is intended to be the sunlight hours (Today is gonna be the day)
That they aim to fling it flipside to you (That theyre gonna throw it back to you)
Already you should've one way or another (By now you should've somehow)
Realized what you have to accomplish (Realized what you gotta do)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)
Rear-thump the statement is on the boulevard (Backbeat, the word is on the street)
That the inferno in your aortic pump has been distinguished (That the fire in your heart is out)
I'm certain you've heard it all previously (Im sure you've heard it all before)
But you’ve not at all really had an uncertainty (But you never really had a doubt)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)
And every highway we have to saunter along is meandering (And all the roads we have to walk are winding)
And all the illuminations that escort us there make it impossible to see (And all the lights that lead the way are blinding)
There are countless things that I would (There are many things that I would)
Like to pronounce to you (Like to say to you)
But I cannot identify how (But I dont know how)
Because perhaps (Coz maybe)
You're gonna be the lone soul that hoards me (You're gonna be the one that saves me)
And subsequent to the entire (And after all)
You're my marvel-fence (You're my wonder-wall)
Nowadays is intended to be the sunlight hours (Today is gonna be the day)
That they aim to fling it flipside to you (That theyre gonna throw it back to you)
Already you should've one way or another (By now you should've somehow)
Realized what you have to accomplish (Realized what you gotta do)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)
Rear-thump the statement is on the boulevard (Backbeat, the word is on the street)
That the inferno in your aortic pump has been distinguished (That the fire in your heart is out)
I'm certain you've heard it all previously (Im sure you've heard it all before)
But you’ve not at all really had an uncertainty (But you never really had a doubt)
I don't accept as true that any person (I dont believe that anybody)
Endures the way I do about you now (Feels the way I do about you now)
And every highway we have to saunter along is meandering (And all the roads we have to walk are winding)
And all the illuminations that escort us there make it impossible to see (And all the lights that lead the way are blinding)
There are countless things that I would (There are many things that I would)
Like to pronounce to you (Like to say to you)
But I cannot identify how (But I dont know how)
Because perhaps (Coz maybe)
You're gonna be the lone soul that hoards me (You're gonna be the one that saves me)
And subsequent to the entire (And after all)
You're my marvel-fence (You're my wonder-wall)
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
eight legged freaks
(in the shower)
Jacki: (singing) I'm washin my hair, its feelin good, I'm washin my hair oooh baby yeah
Spider: (On the ceiling above my head) Hisssss
Jacki: What was that?!
Spider: Hisssss
Jacki: (Grabbing bar of soap for protection) I'm warning you! I have a weapon!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Looks up and sees spider) AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Running out of bathroom) Catherine! Catherine! Help me!
Catherine: What the hell?
Jacki: I'm being attacked! Help! There's a spider!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: See??!! Didn't you hear that?
Catherine: I didn't hear anything. Just wash it down the drain.
Jacki: I can't! It's on the roof, I can't get to it! Please, help!!! I'm dying!
Catherine: Oh, fine (walks into bathroom and sees spider)
Jacki: See? I told you!!
Catherine: Jacki...this is a daddy long legs
Jacki: It tried to kill me!
Catherine: Oh, fine (Sweeps spider out the door)
Jacki: My hero!
Catherine: Whatever
see? see?!!
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME
Jacki: (singing) I'm washin my hair, its feelin good, I'm washin my hair oooh baby yeah
Spider: (On the ceiling above my head) Hisssss
Jacki: What was that?!
Spider: Hisssss
Jacki: (Grabbing bar of soap for protection) I'm warning you! I have a weapon!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Looks up and sees spider) AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: AAAAAHHHH!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: (Running out of bathroom) Catherine! Catherine! Help me!
Catherine: What the hell?
Jacki: I'm being attacked! Help! There's a spider!
Spider: Hissss
Jacki: See??!! Didn't you hear that?
Catherine: I didn't hear anything. Just wash it down the drain.
Jacki: I can't! It's on the roof, I can't get to it! Please, help!!! I'm dying!
Catherine: Oh, fine (walks into bathroom and sees spider)
Jacki: See? I told you!!
Catherine: Jacki...this is a daddy long legs
Jacki: It tried to kill me!
Catherine: Oh, fine (Sweeps spider out the door)
Jacki: My hero!
Catherine: Whatever
see? see?!!
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME
yeah laugh it up
there are so many lame things about what im doing right now that i felt compelled to write them down in case anyone needs self-reassurance that they arent the lamest person out there
1. Its 2.46 am
2. Im blogging
3. For the 4th time today
4. I just looked myself up on google
5. And google images
6. Ive actually done more than 70% of the things on my new and improved Cosmo list
7. Because of me, people that dont even go to Roseville, people who dont even go to a girls school, know about Shanny
8. I just wondered how many people would buy a book that was merely a collection of all my blogs
9. Then I considered making that book
10. I watch big brother
11. And big brother uplate
12. I dont know how to turn my alarm off so I get woken up every morning at 615
13. I just realised I dont know what IQ stands for
14. I'm listening to S Club 7
15. I know who S Club 7 are
16. Im freezing cold but too scared to turn my electric blanket on incase it engulfs me in flames
17. Now I'm singing S Club 7 too
18. To my cat
19. Who just ran out of the room
and...
20. No one is going to read this
1. Its 2.46 am
2. Im blogging
3. For the 4th time today
4. I just looked myself up on google
5. And google images
6. Ive actually done more than 70% of the things on my new and improved Cosmo list
7. Because of me, people that dont even go to Roseville, people who dont even go to a girls school, know about Shanny
8. I just wondered how many people would buy a book that was merely a collection of all my blogs
9. Then I considered making that book
10. I watch big brother
11. And big brother uplate
12. I dont know how to turn my alarm off so I get woken up every morning at 615
13. I just realised I dont know what IQ stands for
14. I'm listening to S Club 7
15. I know who S Club 7 are
16. Im freezing cold but too scared to turn my electric blanket on incase it engulfs me in flames
17. Now I'm singing S Club 7 too
18. To my cat
19. Who just ran out of the room
and...
20. No one is going to read this
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
top ten
Top 10 song lyrics that are just plain bad
10. "I might like you better if we slept together" - Vandalism, Never Say Never
9. "Walking down the street, something caught my eye, a growing epidemic that really ain't fly. A middle-aged lady, I gotta be blunt - her spandex biker pants were creeping up the front" - Fannypack, Camel Toe
8. "Am I original? Yeah! Am I the only one? Yeah! Am I sexual? Yeah! Am I everything you need, you better rock your body now" - Backstreet Boys, Everybody
7. "Baby cant you see? How these clothes are fittin' on me, and the heat coming from this beat. I'm about to blow, and I dont think you know" - Pussycat Dolls, Buttons
6. "Old school sounds, coming down blasting. All the homies in the house, you know they be maxin'. Coolin' out with style like back in the days, representing the skills, putting suckers in their place" - Bomfunk MCs, B boys and fly girls
5. "I got the rolly on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon. And I roll the best weed cause I got it going on" - Snoop Dogg, Drop it like its hot
4. "She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt, uh, I think to sing it again. She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what, all night long - Let me see that thong" - Sisqo, The Thong Song
3. "And I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there. I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there. For better or worse, till death do us part, I'll love you with every beat of my heart. And I swear" - All-4-One, I swear
2. "Since I'm already screwed, here's a message to you: My heart's wide open. I'm just not getting through to the lover in you " - Paris Hilton, Screwed
1. "Last night I was inside of you. Last night, while making love to you, I saw the sun, the moon, the mountains and the rivers. I saw heaven when I made sweet love to you" - Az Yet, Last night
the oc
i had a thought.
since everyone knows that marissa is going to die on the oc (and well if you didnt, you do know) what they should do is, they should rewrite the last episode so that she doesnt die, and then all the marissa-hater clubs could all go and stand outside the gates to the oc, because i imagine its one of those places that you cant get into unless you have a black credit card and a sophisticated name like Ophelia or Sanford, and hold up signs that say things like
Marissa Schamissa, and
We love Summer, and
Kill the whore! You promised!!
i mean. i would pay to see that.
pfft, no i wouldnt.
since everyone knows that marissa is going to die on the oc (and well if you didnt, you do know) what they should do is, they should rewrite the last episode so that she doesnt die, and then all the marissa-hater clubs could all go and stand outside the gates to the oc, because i imagine its one of those places that you cant get into unless you have a black credit card and a sophisticated name like Ophelia or Sanford, and hold up signs that say things like
Marissa Schamissa, and
We love Summer, and
Kill the whore! You promised!!
i mean. i would pay to see that.
pfft, no i wouldnt.
Monday, July 17, 2006
moderno
im having serious modern withdrawals
i miss it! i miss you modern!
i need modern like you need Digestrol if you suffer from bloating, cramps and explosive diarrhea
i miss it! i miss you modern!
i need modern like you need Digestrol if you suffer from bloating, cramps and explosive diarrhea
Sunday, July 16, 2006
jacki vs cosmo - the showdown
Cosmo's list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private
- Drink your flatmate's red wine and then refill what you drank with water (hoping she won't take a swig before you've had time to replace it with the real thing)
- Do the dance moves you did when you were out last night in the mirror, to see if you were as sexy as you thought
- Pout in the mirror to see what you'd look like if you could afford to get your lips plumped up like Angelina Jolie
- Fantasise about what you'd say to your boyfriend if you caught him in mid-pash with another girl
- Download your entire Cold Chisel collection on to your iPod and give it the codename "Ministry of Sound Annual"
- Google your boyfriend's ex (and wish you hadn't when you find out she's a swimwear model)
- Google yourself and get peeved when you find out all the other "yous" are more successful
- Wear filthy tracksuit pants for the 11th night in a row
- Pluck your rogue body hairs...and secretly look forward to when they start sprouting again
- Make crazy diet deals with yourself - like you'll have the magnum today, and live off 5 litres of water and a can of tuna tomorrow
- After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, trying them on with other items in your wardrobe (full face of makeup required)
- Try on your bikini in the depths of winter so you can see how pasty and wrong you look in it
- Drop your flatmate's toothbrush in the toilet, then put it back in the holder
- Fart and burb. Loudly
- Accidentally scrape your Ford Laser's door against a gleaming new Mercedes SLK, then drive away
- Discover that you are tamponless, so construct a DIY sanitary pad from a wad of toilet paper, securing it to your knicker crotch with more loo role
- Drop food on the kitchen floor, but because you haven't broken the three second rule, eat it anyway
- Scroll through your boyfriends "recieved calls" list while he's in the shower
- Promise to dry-clean a friends dress, but just put it in an old plastic dry-cleaners bag
- Write out the guest list for your wedding, even though you dont have a boyfriend
Jacki's *NEW AND IMPROVED* list of 20 so-satisfying things to do in private
- Make your own Boost out of one blueberry, a spoonful of strawberry yogurt, and half a tub of icecream, then claim its "healthy" - because its a Boost!
- Do dance moves in front of the mirror. Not to see if you were sexy. Just for kicks
- Stand in front of the mirror and pretend your mouth is a cave, and your tongue is a crazy worm trying to escape from it
- Fantasise about what Kate Bosworth would say if she found you in mid-pash with Orlando Bloom
- Finally get over the fact that you have Spice Girls in the most played list on your iPod, and stop trying to hide it from everyone
- Google "Emmy Shanahan"
- Google "(your name) and Emmy Shanahan"
- To save time, shower in your filthy tracksuit pants - you can clean yourself and your clothes at the same time
- Sit and think about all the places that hair could grow from on a human body
- Laugh at people who make crazy diet deals with themselves, then eat what amounts to the entire candy-rack at 7/11
- After buying some new clothes, put on some music and do a catwalk show for yourself, completely naked, and wonder why you bought the clothes
- Run down the street in a skin-coloured bikini screaming "streaker! STREAKER!"
- Drop your sister's toothbrush in the toilet. Leave it there
- Fart and burb. Quietly for a change
- Accidentally-on-purpose write "vagina" all over the whiteboard in your modern history classroom
- Fill a bathtub with water, then chuck in a box of tampons and watch them go!
- Drop food on Vandi, then come back after the weekend, realise its still there, and eat it
- Talk to the people on your sister's msn list while she's in the shower
- Promise your mum that you'll clean your room, but instead just sweep everything under the bed
- Re-write Cosmo articles
Saturday, July 15, 2006
what IS it?
im talking about the hideous creation you see below this post.
...its actually unclear to me what this...piece of clothing? is.
i mean. it looks like she rolled out of bed in her billowing nightie, wrapped her bedsheets around her waist a couple of times, combed a tube of car grease through her hair, rolled her sleeves up a little and thought to herself before leaving the house..
"hey...i should probably wear matching wooden bracelets on each wrist...yeah, that will look awesome"
congratulations, whoever you are.
uve brought new meaning to the word hideous
...its actually unclear to me what this...piece of clothing? is.
i mean. it looks like she rolled out of bed in her billowing nightie, wrapped her bedsheets around her waist a couple of times, combed a tube of car grease through her hair, rolled her sleeves up a little and thought to herself before leaving the house..
"hey...i should probably wear matching wooden bracelets on each wrist...yeah, that will look awesome"
congratulations, whoever you are.
uve brought new meaning to the word hideous
my triumphant return to sydney!!
OHMIGOSH I AM SO BACK ITS NOT FUNNY
so sucked in to all the people in queensland because guess what??
...
...
I AM SO NOT THERE ANYMORE!!
which is probably better for them because all day long they were probably thinking, who is this crazy girl, this girl, who keeps wandering past the internet cafe and looking longingly at the computers as if she would very much like to come in and do something on the internet, possibly post a blog on her website www.jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com?
but of course i had to leave so i could come home and do all the stuff that i missed doing while i was away and needed to do so very badly like blog and stalk emmy
speaking of emmy, i should get back to that
until 5 seconds from now!!!
jacki
so sucked in to all the people in queensland because guess what??
...
...
I AM SO NOT THERE ANYMORE!!
which is probably better for them because all day long they were probably thinking, who is this crazy girl, this girl, who keeps wandering past the internet cafe and looking longingly at the computers as if she would very much like to come in and do something on the internet, possibly post a blog on her website www.jackiiscrazy.blogspot.com?
but of course i had to leave so i could come home and do all the stuff that i missed doing while i was away and needed to do so very badly like blog and stalk emmy
speaking of emmy, i should get back to that
until 5 seconds from now!!!
jacki
Friday, July 07, 2006
give me manly men any day of the week
ok.
i had to spoil the dramatic exit because julia julia and i were just talking about how much womanly men SUCK because i mean how are you supposed to survive with a womanly man?
its just stupid!
if something happens and suddenly the world goes back to the stone age, do you think its going to be the womenly men who are hunting and gathering for the women-folk?
i dont think so! no! because they will be too busy getting their nails done, and singing in musicals!
(and this is in no way intending to dishonour the people in high school musical)
so what we really need to do is look for the manly men, because really, they are the manly ones, and if you suddenly break your legs half way up mt everest, it is going to be a manly man who carries you to the top.
like kim from home and away. i swear, he is lost in the bush for like one day, and grows a beard. now thats what i call manliness! yes kim! yes! more! more facial hair, you beast of a man!
go hunt wild deer for us kim! go! take your manly beard and hunt like a MAN!
now i must leave.
i love you all long time!
i had to spoil the dramatic exit because julia julia and i were just talking about how much womanly men SUCK because i mean how are you supposed to survive with a womanly man?
its just stupid!
if something happens and suddenly the world goes back to the stone age, do you think its going to be the womenly men who are hunting and gathering for the women-folk?
i dont think so! no! because they will be too busy getting their nails done, and singing in musicals!
(and this is in no way intending to dishonour the people in high school musical)
so what we really need to do is look for the manly men, because really, they are the manly ones, and if you suddenly break your legs half way up mt everest, it is going to be a manly man who carries you to the top.
like kim from home and away. i swear, he is lost in the bush for like one day, and grows a beard. now thats what i call manliness! yes kim! yes! more! more facial hair, you beast of a man!
go hunt wild deer for us kim! go! take your manly beard and hunt like a MAN!
now i must leave.
i love you all long time!
goodbye my lovers
ok.
this is it people. my last post for seven whole days, not including the rest of today.
i know.
its heart-wrenching.
how will you survive without me and my incoherant rambling for a whole week?
but you can make it. because the love between me and my readers will last forever, because we never let go even though we say we wont, and we never hog entire doors which could hold at least two people when we're all treading water together in the freezing atlantic ocean, fighting for survival after our five star cruise liner has sunk after making devestating contact with an iceberg.
so Beffy, Janey, Julia, anyone else who reads my blog (sorry if i didnt mention your name but its your own fault for NOT LEAVING ANY COMMENTS), goodbye my lovers.
and i know the person who will be most upset by my departure is emmy, because obviously, she will be without a stalker for a week.
but dont worry emmy, ill be back next saturday, and ill stalk you twice as much to make up for lost time.
this is it people. my last post for seven whole days, not including the rest of today.
i know.
its heart-wrenching.
how will you survive without me and my incoherant rambling for a whole week?
but you can make it. because the love between me and my readers will last forever, because we never let go even though we say we wont, and we never hog entire doors which could hold at least two people when we're all treading water together in the freezing atlantic ocean, fighting for survival after our five star cruise liner has sunk after making devestating contact with an iceberg.
so Beffy, Janey, Julia, anyone else who reads my blog (sorry if i didnt mention your name but its your own fault for NOT LEAVING ANY COMMENTS), goodbye my lovers.
and i know the person who will be most upset by my departure is emmy, because obviously, she will be without a stalker for a week.
but dont worry emmy, ill be back next saturday, and ill stalk you twice as much to make up for lost time.
a.b.c?
i just realised
there are like a dillion abbreviations in the world that i dont know the meaning of.
like you know how people shorten things so theyre just like a couple of letters you say?
like instead of saying the club for people who love and stalk emmy shanahan, you can just say TCFPWLASES
anyway. there are like a dillion of those that i say all the time and i actually dont know what they mean.
like spf
or raaf
or quantas
or tlc
or nerd
or awa
or anz
there are like a dillion abbreviations in the world that i dont know the meaning of.
like you know how people shorten things so theyre just like a couple of letters you say?
like instead of saying the club for people who love and stalk emmy shanahan, you can just say TCFPWLASES
anyway. there are like a dillion of those that i say all the time and i actually dont know what they mean.
like spf
or raaf
or quantas
or tlc
or nerd
or awa
or anz
today for the first time ever, I...
realised that all my faithful blog viewers (which amounts to pretty much Jane and Beth) wont be able to read about my life for a whole week starting tomorrow
its time for my date with orlando bloom!
my love for orlando bloom has officially been rekindled.
for all of you who watched troy with me in ancient and constantly payed him out for the whole movie, saying things like:
"OHmigosh its just a little fleshwound u wuss!"
"Thats right, run back to daddy and your big brother"
"Id tap that...if only he had a penis"
well times have changed my friends and if u see pirates 2, you will too die from too many orgasms because he is so dashing.
in the words of mitchey - "if only he'd reply to my letters"
for all of you who watched troy with me in ancient and constantly payed him out for the whole movie, saying things like:
"OHmigosh its just a little fleshwound u wuss!"
"Thats right, run back to daddy and your big brother"
"Id tap that...if only he had a penis"
well times have changed my friends and if u see pirates 2, you will too die from too many orgasms because he is so dashing.
in the words of mitchey - "if only he'd reply to my letters"
marge trew
and i kid you not.
today.
in coles.
we were looking at the new simpsons enviro bags. you know, the ones that are like the green coles bags, except they are yellow and have a picture of a simpsons character on them?
well my mum (who i get bagged out for, because im constantly doing impersonations of her that sound like marge simpson) looks straight at the bag that has a picture of marge on it, and goes (and i quote):
"hey look! its me!"
and buys it.
i tell you, im not the only odd one in this family
today.
in coles.
we were looking at the new simpsons enviro bags. you know, the ones that are like the green coles bags, except they are yellow and have a picture of a simpsons character on them?
well my mum (who i get bagged out for, because im constantly doing impersonations of her that sound like marge simpson) looks straight at the bag that has a picture of marge on it, and goes (and i quote):
"hey look! its me!"
and buys it.
i tell you, im not the only odd one in this family
Thursday, July 06, 2006
so.
soo.
i have this thing. so annoying. so annoying. its like some disease i have which isnt really a disease its just some subconcious thing that i have in the back of my mind, but it actually affects me which is really annoying and now im just rambling.
so everytime my sister chases me (mainly with an aim to hurt me) its like my brain sends a message to my legs to, you know, stop working.
which is quite annoying because you know, when you're running away from someone, all you pretty much want is for your legs to be working. but no. no. nooooo
take this afternoon for instance.
spring rolls. yeah, i know what you're thinking. yuuuum!. well thats what i was thinking too. so when i walked past catherine who was holding a plate with spring rolls on it, my natural instincts told me:
spring rolls! take! eat! NOW!
so i did.
unfortunately for me, catherine sometimes has natural instincts too, and at that moment, hers were saying:
she took a spring roll....DESTROY HER!!
so catherine drops the plate and starts chasing me, and i (being the idiot that i am) head straight for the stairs. now, im half way up when this stupid annoying thing sets in, and my legs just stop working.
now, someone once told me that if you want to run faster, all you have to do is move your arms faster. and i believed them. i learnt today that this theory doesnt work. especially if your legs arent working in the first place.
so there i am, standing still on the 6th step with my arms flailing wildly about me, and catherine looming up behind me, and my parents sitting at the table staring, wondering what they did to deserve such odd children.
soo.
i have this thing. so annoying. so annoying. its like some disease i have which isnt really a disease its just some subconcious thing that i have in the back of my mind, but it actually affects me which is really annoying and now im just rambling.
so everytime my sister chases me (mainly with an aim to hurt me) its like my brain sends a message to my legs to, you know, stop working.
which is quite annoying because you know, when you're running away from someone, all you pretty much want is for your legs to be working. but no. no. nooooo
take this afternoon for instance.
spring rolls. yeah, i know what you're thinking. yuuuum!. well thats what i was thinking too. so when i walked past catherine who was holding a plate with spring rolls on it, my natural instincts told me:
spring rolls! take! eat! NOW!
so i did.
unfortunately for me, catherine sometimes has natural instincts too, and at that moment, hers were saying:
she took a spring roll....DESTROY HER!!
so catherine drops the plate and starts chasing me, and i (being the idiot that i am) head straight for the stairs. now, im half way up when this stupid annoying thing sets in, and my legs just stop working.
now, someone once told me that if you want to run faster, all you have to do is move your arms faster. and i believed them. i learnt today that this theory doesnt work. especially if your legs arent working in the first place.
so there i am, standing still on the 6th step with my arms flailing wildly about me, and catherine looming up behind me, and my parents sitting at the table staring, wondering what they did to deserve such odd children.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
today for the first time ever, i...
watched an entire episode of Good Morning Miami, from start to finish.
Monday, July 03, 2006
jackis ideal home and away episode
my idea of the best home and away episode...
amanda dies, colleen and alf get it on, danni comes back to summer bay, hayley and scott return from overseas, martha and jack have babies, robbie gets run over, cassie and ric turn out to be related, sally gets remarried, ivf works for dan and leah, pete comes back to life but doesnt have a liver and dies again, "zoe" returns, kim and rachel get married, irene and kit get drunk together, belle turns out to be a man, barry burns down the school, tasha gives birth to an alien and miss shanahan guest stars.
amanda dies, colleen and alf get it on, danni comes back to summer bay, hayley and scott return from overseas, martha and jack have babies, robbie gets run over, cassie and ric turn out to be related, sally gets remarried, ivf works for dan and leah, pete comes back to life but doesnt have a liver and dies again, "zoe" returns, kim and rachel get married, irene and kit get drunk together, belle turns out to be a man, barry burns down the school, tasha gives birth to an alien and miss shanahan guest stars.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
its time for my din-dins!
so last night we also went out to dinner which was the SHIZ with me, hanni, beffy, lollen, gem, kat, jordan, sair, mai and ben.
which was super fun even though i could only eat 2/5ths of the food we ordered because most of it would have killed me. but that gave everyone a laugh so it was all good.
after dinner we wandered around chatswood for 2 hours before the movie started, trying to find a replacement vandi, but we couldnt so we just went into gloria jeans and talked about how much we missed emmy. well me and beth did anyway.
well it was pretty much only me.
whatever.
then we went to see stick it which was totally confusing but in a fun way because we made commentary all the way through extremely loudly and im pretty sure that everyone in the cinema wanted to kill us and hack up our bodies when we were done.
which was super fun even though i could only eat 2/5ths of the food we ordered because most of it would have killed me. but that gave everyone a laugh so it was all good.
after dinner we wandered around chatswood for 2 hours before the movie started, trying to find a replacement vandi, but we couldnt so we just went into gloria jeans and talked about how much we missed emmy. well me and beth did anyway.
well it was pretty much only me.
whatever.
then we went to see stick it which was totally confusing but in a fun way because we made commentary all the way through extremely loudly and im pretty sure that everyone in the cinema wanted to kill us and hack up our bodies when we were done.
its time for luncheon!
OHMIGOSH so today we had lunch at issis with me, issi, juju, madi, luc and mol. and it was so much fun my head almost exploded.
so first we watched julia attempt to, um, fry? eggplant which was hilarious but in the end it looked ok, even though the first thing lucy said wen she saw it was "how did you do that? you even got the sides to burn!"
and then we sat in issi room and confused people on msn with issis disturbing disturbing animations which were DISTURBING to say the least.
after lunch which was YUUUM we went and played foosball and sing star, and i can now confidentally say that i suck at both of them.
then julia sang like a virgin while writhing around on the floor and giving us all fairly disturbing looks from the various, equally disturbing angles that she was positioning herself in on the carpet.
i dont think ive ever been so turned on. except that one time that mr dubya and campy did a dance to dontcha.
that was also hot.
so first we watched julia attempt to, um, fry? eggplant which was hilarious but in the end it looked ok, even though the first thing lucy said wen she saw it was "how did you do that? you even got the sides to burn!"
and then we sat in issi room and confused people on msn with issis disturbing disturbing animations which were DISTURBING to say the least.
after lunch which was YUUUM we went and played foosball and sing star, and i can now confidentally say that i suck at both of them.
then julia sang like a virgin while writhing around on the floor and giving us all fairly disturbing looks from the various, equally disturbing angles that she was positioning herself in on the carpet.
i dont think ive ever been so turned on. except that one time that mr dubya and campy did a dance to dontcha.
that was also hot.
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