Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sorry I Swore. Shit!

Usually if I'm blogging about a celebrity, it's only because
a) They bare a slight resemblance to one of my friends, or

b) I'd like to marry them.
Today, I'll make an exception.  Because when I was flipping channels in a Redbull/malibu-and-coke induced high last night, I landed on the E! Channel, and a little program entitled..

50 Most Insane Celebrity Oops

I am in heaven.  If there's one thing I love more than collecting pointless and seemingly random facts about the celebrities we all know and love, its the knowledge that I am purposefully killing my own brain cells.  This show allowed me to enjoy both at once.
So, 50 Most Insane Celebrity Oops - basically just a 2-hour countdown of the 50 funniest screw ups by famous people that have occured over the past 4 or 5 years.  To set the tone, I will tell you number 50: That Time Christian Bale Went Ape Shit At A Light And Sound Guy For Walking In Front Of Him On The Set Of Some Movie.  And fair enough.  I know he was Batman, but Christian Bale scares the living shit out of me.  You might remember when I spoke about my fear of Alec Baldwin climbing through a TV screen and murdering me with an axe?  I would rather deal with that on a weekly basis than face Christian Bale.  Have you seen this guy?
Wait, shit, no.  Wrong photo.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Alot of the show was about celebrity wardrobe malfunctions.  Please.  My wardrobe malfunctions every morning on the way to work, and nobody ever put me on a TV show.  I know I'm not famous or anything, but still.  The only difference between an upskirt of me and one of Britney Spears is that I wear undies and don't have an STD.  I know what I'd rather look at!
Alright I'm bored of this.  Let's talk about magic.
I was at the pub with Alex and her boyfriend Richie last night when the subject of Harry Potter came up.  This didn't surprise me, because when Alex, Richie and I are at the pub together, we will invariably end up having one of four conversations:
1) Harry Potter
2) How awesome our apartment will be
3) Whichever one of Richie's friends he is currently trying to set me up with
4) Vagina
Here's something kind of embarassing I admitted after two drinks: When I was a kid, I TOTALLY believed Harry Potter was real.  Like, to the point where I was 10 years old and waiting for my letter from Hogwarts.  Was anyone else this deluded as a pre-teen?  My letter never came (your loss, Dumbledore!), which I guess just makes me a Muggle.  Uhh, I mean, idiot.  In hindsight it's probably for the best, because I don't think I would have fared very well at Hogwarts - mainly on account of my name (which is fine for everyday life, but sounds totally boring when you're in a classroom with Draco, Hermione and Luna), but also because I can see myself trying to play a game that involves four balls and flying broomsticks, and I know it doesn't end well.

Now back to the Celebrity Oops.  You know what else was on there like, at least three times?  Singers falling over on stage.  Again, please.  I also fall over EVERY MORNING on my way to work.  And I STILL haven't been offered my own show on the E! Channel.  Admittedly though, I did enjoy this part of the show.  Especially the dialogue from Pink falling over on stage:

Pink: No, no, no, no!  Oh fuck!  That hurt like a motherfucker!  Sorry I'm cursing, but you know..

Interesting.  Here is some similar dialogue that took place between me and my Mum last night, when we were trying to catch the possum caught in our roof:

Me: Fuck!
Mum: What?
Me: No, nothing.  Except holy fuck this is a big fucking possum.
Mum: Jacki...
Me: Yeah sorry I swore. (possum makes a squeaking noise) Shit!!

This only cements my theory that I am exactly like Pink and should quit my job to become an aspiring pop/rock star immediately.

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