Meryl Streep Did Not Win The Oscar
I am suitably devestated. Now, moving on.
First of all...I get that they're huge and amazing and more important than any of us normal people could even possibly imagine, but did the Oscars really have to air on THREE separate networks this year? I spent half my morning just deliberating over which channel to watch. Long story short, I went (as I always do) with E!...mainly because I am and always will harbour a not-so-secret addiction to the E! Channel, but also because I love seeing Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic making idiots out of themselves on the red carpet.
Oh, those two. Can they get any vainer? The best part is that you can tell they totally hate each other, but have to pretend otherwise on camera. Screw James Cameron, I'd give them the Oscar.
Speaking of the red carpet...eh. I got nothing. Other than Meryl Streep in all her glory and Sandra Bullock's impersonation of a statue itself, I was completely bored. Really. The best moment was either Sam Worthington and Zac Efron's awkward attempt at a handshake/hug, or Ryan Seacrest's referal to Mariah Carey's boobs as his "best friends". Oh, Ryan. When will you learn?
Now, the actual ceremony.
Oh, no, wait! Before we get to that, I want to finally say what I've been thinking since about 11.40 this morning - that the Academy totally needs to invent a new niche category, titled "Best Film With An Ensemble Cast". Or, if they want to be more accurate, "Best Film Where We Tried To Include As Many A-Listers As Possible In A Semi-Desperate And Completely Obvious Attempt To Draw An Audience". I don't know who'd win, but I'll tell you who wouldn't: He's Just Not That Into You. The only good thing about that movie is Ben Affleck's pronunciation of the phrase "deflated boob". I'm serious; like 45 minutes in. Check it out.
Steve (Martin) and Alec (Baldwin...we're on a first name basis) would have been more awesome as hosts had they not followed a musical number that made reference to prison-rape by Neil Patrick Harris, who I would now like to date, marry and have lots of sex and babies with. I do like Steve Martin though. He's looking pretty good, for a 90-something-year-old! Alec Baldwin though, I was half expecting to climb through my TV screen with a pick-axe and murder us all. What is it about that guy that screams 'serial killer'?
Anyway, he and Steve stood around making jokes at the audiences' expense for 5 or 10 minutes, most of which went down pretty well. Oh, except the ones about George Clooney, who must have had his sense of humour surgically removed before the ceremony - coz he looked pissed. And a bit scruffy. And kind of old. And sort of like a complete douche-lord.
Speaking of complete douche-lords...James Cameron. Um, how shall I put this delicately...SUCK IT, JAMES CAMERON, SUCK IT! Sure, Avatar won everything even I admitted it should win (cinematography, visual effects, art direction etc), but the big cheese himself got nothing. I wouldn't worry about it though, he's got about $400 billion to soften the blow.
Other than that, what is there to talk about? Jeff Bridges and Mo'Nique who both won as predicted, Christoph Waltz taking out Best Supporting Actor, and Sandra Bullock robbing Meryl Streep but being extremely charming, funny and likable while doing it.
And Oprah was there.
Best Dressed? Sandra Bullock
Best Attempt At Being Best Dressed? Kristen Stewart (I know, even I was surprised)
Best Presenter? Ben Stiller, who dressed up as an avatar and insulted James Cameron in the native Na'vi tongue.
Best Line? Came from Tim Robbins: "I remember Morgan Freeman turning to me on the last day of shooting for The Shawshank Redemption and saying, "Friendship is getting a friend a cup of coffee. Could you do that for me Ted?"
Best Part: It's gonna be on repeat for the next 24 hours.