Okay, so I know I said I wasn't going to talk about Dear John, except to say that it was - and I quote - "the biggest piece of shit I have seen at the movies this year", but I changed my mind. Firstly because I know at least half of you (re: the female half) will appreciate me ranting about Channing Tatum for 3 paragraphs, and secondly because it has become a long-standing tradition of mine to write a completely scathing review about pretty much every movie I see these days.
Except for Deep Blue Sea of course. Because that shit is just awesome.
Let's talk about Dear John.
Ummm, Channing Tatum. While I do like to poke fun at his hair, his face, the way he kisses, his general demeanor etc, there is no denying that the man is hot:
You're welcome, ladies. You are welcome. And yet, I am so not interested. There's only room for one blue-eyed bald-headed movie star in my world, and I think we all know who that is. Sorry Channing. Yes - I am sure Channing Tatum will read this and be suitably devestated when he does so. But still. Regardless of whether or not you would like to have lots of sex and babies with Mr Tatum, this movie sucks balls.
First of all, they fall in love after two weeks. I hate movies like this. Two weeks? Give me a break. And it's not because I'm bitter either (why should I be, I mean it's not like I'm still alone after 20 years on the meat market), it's because there is NO WAY that two people could squeeze as much stuff into two weeks as this couple does. Let me break it down for you:
- They meet
- They flirt
- He accidentally falls into a bonfire
- She breaks up with her boyfriend
- They kiss
- They bone
- He teaches her how to surf
- They laugh
- They fight
- They break up
- They make up
- They meet the parents
- They build a house
Umm, no offense Makers-Of-Dear-John, but I don't think so. Build a house? It takes me two weeks just to blowdry my hair sometimes! Not really, but you get what I mean.
The other thing that really gets me is...oh, no, you know what? I don't think I can go on. Mostly because Home And Away is starting in a few moments, but also because if I talk about this movie for one more second, I might throw up. The best thing for you guys to do right now is get yourselves down to Hoyts and watch Dear John - then feel free to drive over to my house, so we can all mock the shit out of it together. Unless you actually like it of course - then you can feel free to go jump off a bridge, because clearly there is no hope for you.