Now, I'm not gonna deny that I'm the funniest person who ever lived, but what the hell? I'm a man? And not even a good-looking man, but a chubby, hairy, weird one who eats heaps of junk food and races cars for a living?
Actually you know that sounds about right.
Anyway since I'm bored I just did what I always do when I'm bored, which is watch a whole shitload of Oscar acceptance speech videos on YouTube. Sorry, Mum. Watch a whole lot of Oscar acceptance speech videos on YouTube. My favourite of all time is probably Marion Cotillard's. Not just because of her accent - well, alright, it's mostly because of her accent - but also because she ended it with "it is true, there are some angels in this city!". Get it? Los Angeles? The Angels?
I think that's cute. It is! It's cute, right? That dress she wore was also pretty bangin'. Whatever, it's better than Nicole Kidman's "My whole life I wanted to make my mother proud, and now I'm going to make my daughter proud". Um, what? God and everyone else knows I love Nicole Kidman, but that was retarded for 3 reasons:
1) You're Nicole Kidman. Your daughter is already proud.
2) Yeah, who cares about the dad. And
3) Doesn't she have a son, too?
Ah, whatever. When I win an Oscar, it's gonna go something like this...
"Hey, so has anyone here seen The Exorcist? Man, what is up with that shit? It's like, split-pea soup and spinning heads? Really? Whoever called that the scariest movie of all time needs to grow some serious testicles and then punch themselves in the face. Peace out academy."
Aha. I'm kidding of course. That would be rude. It'll probably go more like this: