Christopher Reeve
Brandon Routh
Tom Welling
Okay so three. Plus this new guy. Still. Basically all I'm trying to say is I don't understand why they keep making all these new Superman movies when it's pretty obvious to everyone that the originals will always kick ass. Metaphorically, that is. Superman would never actually kick someone in the ass. He'd just beat them to death with his Dad's pick-up.So what else is new? The Superman thing is pretty much all I got today. Oh. I almost saw a baby get hit by a car last week. What? How did I not lead with this?
I was standing on one side of River Road West waiting for the lights to change when this woman with a pram wandered up on the opposite side. So there's a baby in the pram. I think she also had a toddler with her, and a dog. Or two toddlers, one of whom was on a leash. I wasn't looking that closely. Anyway, I guess she forgot to lock the wheels on her pram, cause one moment it was parked next to her, the next it was rolling down the sidewalk into oncoming traffic. God damn. I don't even like babies and I can tell you this was one of the scariest road-related moments of my life, including that one time I did a complete 360 degree spin through a roundabout.
Thankfully the woman noticed and rescued her kid before it got, you know, hit by a semi-trailer. But you could tell she was pretty much on the verge of shitting her pants. I wanted to say something, but since I was on the other side of the road I just gave her a look like, 'Dude, your kid almost got hit by a truck!'. And she gave me a look back, like 'I'm pretty much on the verge of shitting my pants!'. Then the baby looked at both of us and said 'Two fucking adults and not one of you noticed until I was halfway down the road? Get an education! Damn!'.
I'm only kidding about that last part.
Babies can't talk.
So you know what makes me wonder? The way you can use those little computer kiosks to check yourself in at the airport now. Before you get to choosing your seat or whatever, there's always that screen with pictures of gas and poison and syringes and shit like, 'Are you carrying any of these contraband items?', to which everyone answers 'No, of course not!'. I can't imagine anyone being dumb enough to admit to carrying contraband onto an aeroplane these days.
"Where's the pilot? I just remembered I've got a pair of nail scissors up my ass, and I wanted to let him know."
Seriously though. That's the best security we've got? A computer screen honesty system? I am so never getting on an aeroplane again. Or at least if I do, I'm hiding a pair of nail scissors in my ass so I can fight off the real terrorists.
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