Wednesday, March 02, 2011

I don't know if you guys were aware of this, but I've been computer-less for the better half of this past year.  Well, no, okay.  Not totally computer-less.  I have a computer.  It just doesn't have internet, it's not connected to a printer, and it only stays on for 6 minutes at a time.  On second thoughts, it's not so much a computer as it is a $700 piece of shit that's ruining my life.  Anyway, that's one of the reasons for my recent Lack Of Blog; because whenever I want to post something, I have to come all the way downstairs and do it on my parents desktop.  Which wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that my parents are a hundred years old and like going to bed before the sun goes down.  Because the computer is in their bedroom...and as committed as I am to this blog, it's kind of hard to write jokes about anal sex and lopsided nipples while your Dad is sleeping four feet away.
Anyway, the point is, I can't blog whenever I want.  And I especially can't blog in the middle of the night - which as anyone who knows me knows, is my peak ideas-for-blogs getting time.  Luckily, there's a solution to this problem and it's simple enough.  I've taken to carrying a pen around with me, and whenever an idea for a post pops into my head, I write it down on the first piece of paper I find.  I works out well, most of the time:  I mean on the plus side, I keep randomly finding completely nonsensical notes that I've written at like 4 in the morning, which never cease to crack me up.  On the minus side, my parents keep finding the same notes and are becoming increasingly convinced of my insanity.
You win some, you lose some.

Speaking of losses, I experienced one on Saturday at work when our bathroom light stopped working.  It wasn't as much of a fail as that segue I just attempted, but still.  Worth a mention.  See, at work we have a very small bathroom.  Tiny.  And windowless.  So when the light stops working...well, it's less of a bathroom and more of a pitch-black chamber of dispair.
It was my boss who came up with the brilliant idea of sticking candles to the toilet tank.  And it was me who ruined it, with comments like this:

Client One: Umm...the candles in the bathroom went out...
Me: (Not wanting to burn myself by attempting to light them again) Oh, yeah.'ll be like an adventure.  Good luck!
Client One: (Silence)

Client Two (Who I Just So Happen To Have A Massive Schoolgirl Crush On): What's with the candles in the bathroom?
Me: Oh.  Oh yeah.  The lightbulb blew this morning, so the toilet is candlelit today.  I was peeing before, and I swear it was one of the most romantic moments of my damn life.
Client Two: (Silence)

Speaking of things going wrong at work, last week our smoke detector kept falling out of the ceiling, and yesterday I discovered why - there's some sort of animal living in the roof which is pushing it out.  How do I know this?  Because the last time it came out, I heard it being unscrewed from the inside - and then I saw something poking it's pink nose through the hole.
I'm convinced this is the same possum that lives in my attic at home and is constantly waking me up at 3 in the morning.  It's now following me to work.  Why?  Well, because I am a crazy person and that's the most reasonable conclusion for a crazy person to come to.  And also because the alternative is that Gollum is living in our ceiling.  Which - aside from being a serious health code violation - would totally freak me out.  Either way, this smoke detector thing is pretty annoying.  Not in comparison to the time some lady decided to hose the floors in the apartment above us, and the water came through our airconditioning vents, went all over the salon's plasma TV and almost electrocuted everyone in the building.  But still.  A possum?
That's annoying. 

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