Sunday, March 20, 2011

Now That's Good Television

Yawn.  Oh, hey, hello!
I was pretty tired last night.  Can't really explain why.  Our clients were just extra exhausting this week I guess.  It might have something to do with all that crystal meth I put in the salons coffee supply.  Or maybe there was just something in the Lane Cove air.
Probably the meth though.
Anyway like I just said, I was was pretty tired and it was a long week, so no going out for me.  I'm also extremely poor; another reason not to go out.  Saving money for an apartment kind of sucks.  I can see I'll just be spending friday nights at home getting hammered with my parents from now until I move out.

So I watched this movie last night called Long Weekend.  I IMDb'd it after and found out there are actually two movies with this title, so just in case you were planning on watching it, go for the 2008 version.  That's the one I'm talking about.  Although I feel like I should save you the trouble and tell you right now that this movie is one of the biggest pieces of shit I've ever seen.  Not the biggest piece.  I've seen Boytown, afterall.  But it was fairly horrendous.  I could feel my IQ dropping as I watched it.  Not good.  I spent 45 minutes on Thursday night trying to kill a cockroach with a stick of men's deodorant - I need all the IQ points I can get.
So the film was stupid.  And it was Australian.  I'm not saying the two are mutually exclusive, but come on.  Think about every Australian film you've seen in the last 10 years.  Now think about how many you considered stupid.  Now think about Chewbacca taking a dump.
Haha!  I made you think about Chewbacca taking a dump!  But yeah, the movies.  Most of them were stupid, am I right?  I'm right.  And if I'm not right, you need to sit yourself down and watch Boytown, pronto.
According to Wikipedia, Long Weekend is considered an "Ozploitation Film"; that's Wikispeak for "Australian Exploitation Film", which I assume just refers to a movie filmed in Australia, set in Australia, starring Australians, where alot of typical Australian shit goes down.  Meat pie eating, fly swatting, beer chugging, cricket watching, being viciously murdered by Ivan Milat-ing.
You know.  Just the usual. 
I wanted to be sure of this, so I Googled a list of other Ozploitation movies:
  • Undead
  • BMX Bandits
  • Daybreakers
  • Rogue
  • Wolf Creek
Huh.  So I guess "Ozploitation" is just a fancy term for "Movies About Australia And The Ways In Which You Will Meet Your Untimely Death If You Go There". 
Think about it - the vampires in Daybreakers?  The crocodile in Rogue?  The serial killer from Wolf Creek?  And let us not forget the horror that was Nicole Kidman's hair in BMX Bandits.

After Long Weekend, I watched a little diddy by the name of The Day The Earth Stood Still.  Going into it, I knew next to nothing about this movie, except that it stars Keanu Reeves.  I am one of maybe 6 people left on this plant who does not hate or feel sorry for Keanu.  Why do people dislike this guy?  He was Neo!  Or, for those of you who weren't nerdy enough to watch The Matrix in high school, he was the sexy badass cop who made out with Sandra Bullock in Speed!  And yet still, people make fun of the guy.  Weird.  If people are gonna make fun of anyone, it should be the dude who replaced him in Speed 2: Cruise Control.  Or Nicole Kidman in BMX Bandits.
So The Day The Earth Stood Still.  Also pretty shit, but Keanu was alright.  The real villain of the movie was Jaden Smith, AKA The Kid From The Pursuit Of Happyness, AKA Will Smith's offspring.  Nothing against the Smiths, but they seem like one of the most self-important families in Hollywood.  If I met Jaden Smith in the street, I have no doubt that he would kick me in the vagina and give me a lecture about what I could achieve if I only took my life more seriously.  Then his little sister would probably come and whip me in the face with her ponytail. 
The Smiths.
What a bunch of assholes.
Anyway, Earth Stood Still.  Is this the only movie where Keanu plays an alien?  I swear he has been an alien before.  Perhaps I'm just thinking of that scene in The Matrix where he comes out of the birthing pod, bald and all covered in slime.
Extra terrestrials are extra sexy.  The movie has a few characters other than The Alien Keanu.  There's Jaden Smith as The Littlest Asshole, of course.  And Jennifer Connolly (you might remember as one of the herion addicts from Requiem For A Dream, among other things), who plays his step-mother and is some sort of doctor genius.  I forget her real name, so we'll call her Doctor Heroin.
Doctor Heroin and a bunch of other science nerds are kidnapped in the middle of the night and taken to some secret service warehouse.  Why?  Well because there's a foreign object travelling through space that's about to make contact with and destroy the entire planet, of course!  And thus begins the start of every apocalypse-type film you've ever seen.
I almost changed the channel.
Everyone knows I love Armageddon, and even The Day After Tomorrow was okay, but if I wanted to see one more example of how the human race will be painfully and irrecovably eliminated, I'd just Google global warming.
Anyway, the mystery object turns out to be a giant ball of light filled with aliens.  Which sounds ludicrous, but that's the best way I can explain it:
Holy shit!  Did you guys know that aliens travelled in giant balls of light?  This is so much cooler than the spaceship from E.T!  The ball doesn't destroy the earth, but lands in the middle of Central Park where Doctor Heroin, the science nerds and a bunch of Army assholes are waiting for it.  I say Army assholes because when the first alien comes out to say hello, one of them shoots it.
Then after alot of yelling and swearing, they decide to take the alien (which kind of resembles a life-size gummy bear) to hospital.  So they're operating on the gummy bear when suddenly, it's skin starts falling off.  What?  Ew!  Except then, ALL the skin comes off, and underneath is - what do you know - Keanu Reeves.
I'm not gonna say this is the most ridiculous thing ever (especially having just watched Long Weekend), but it honestly baffles me what some of the folk in Hollywood are coming up with these days.
I guess one of the things that annoys me most about these invasion movies is that I don't understand why.  Why would the aliens invade earth?  Don't they know anything?  Earth is going to shit!  Hey aliens, wanna come live in Australia?  Go ahead!  Good luck without SPF 30, fuckers.  It's called the hole in the ozone layer.
That's where TDTESS is victorious though, because it's premise is that the aliens are invading earth to save it.  From the humans.  Original, no?  At the very least, it was a nice change from watching Bruce Willis blow up some asteroid.
One of the best things about TDTESS is that you could pretty much tell from the get-go that Doctor Heroin and The Alien Keanu were gonna make out at some stage  I love a good romance.  And, if shows like 3rd Rock From The Sun and Buffy The Vampire Slayer have taught us anything, it's that inter-species relationships are hilarious, and ALWAYS end well.  I also liked this scene at the beginning, where The Alien Keanu is being interrogated by Kathy Bates, who plays the US Secretary of Defense:

The Alien Keanu: There is a gathering of world leaders not far from here - I will explain my purpose to them.
Kathy Bates: I'm afraid that's not possible.  Perhaps you should explain yourself to me instead.
The Alien Keanu: Do you speak for the entire human race?
Kathy Bates: I speak for the President of the United States!

Excellent.  I was honestly surprised when she didn't end that last sentence with " I may as well be!".
I love it how America isn't even pretending to delegate anymore - they are on top and they fucking know it.  Although I have to give it to them, they know how to deal with a crisis situation.  Did you see how calmly Kathy Bates took the knowledge that earth was being exterminated by aliens?  If we ever get invaded for real, I'm flying straight to Hollywood.  Those celebrities can really handle their shit.
Other than that hilariously political exchange, my favourite dialogue came from the scene where Doctor Heroin comes downstairs to find The Alien Keanu making a toasted cheese sandwich at 2 in the morning:

Doctor Heroin: What the...what time is it?
The Alien Keanu: Uhh...I...2.  2am.
Doctor Heroin: What are you doing?
The Alien Keanu: Making a sandwich.
Doctor Heroin: But...why?
The Alien Keanu: Cause I wanted one.
Doctor Heroin: At 2 in the morning?
The Alien Keanu: Yeah.
Doctor Heroin: Right.
The Alien Keanu: Yeah.
Doctor Heroin: Are you stoned?

Now that's good television.

(Okay, so in that last scene, when I said 'Doctor Heroin' and 'The Alien Keanu', I may have been talking about 'My Mother' and 'I'.  I will let you decide who played which character.)

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