I was pretty tired last night. Can't really explain why. Our clients were just extra exhausting this week I guess. It might have something to do with all that crystal meth I put in the salons coffee supply. Or maybe there was just something in the Lane Cove air.
Probably the meth though.
Anyway like I just said, I was was pretty tired and it was a long week, so no going out for me. I'm also extremely poor; another reason not to go out. Saving money for an apartment kind of sucks. I can see I'll just be spending friday nights at home getting hammered with my parents from now until I move out.
So I watched this movie last night called Long Weekend. I IMDb'd it after and found out there are actually two movies with this title, so just in case you were planning on watching it, go for the 2008 version. That's the one I'm talking about. Although I feel like I should save you the trouble and tell you right now that this movie is one of the biggest pieces of shit I've ever seen. Not the biggest piece. I've seen Boytown, afterall. But it was fairly horrendous. I could feel my IQ dropping as I watched it. Not good. I spent 45 minutes on Thursday night trying to kill a cockroach with a stick of men's deodorant - I need all the IQ points I can get.
So the film was stupid. And it was Australian. I'm not saying the two are mutually exclusive, but come on. Think about every Australian film you've seen in the last 10 years. Now think about how many you considered stupid. Now think about Chewbacca taking a dump.
Haha! I made you think about Chewbacca taking a dump! But yeah, the movies. Most of them were stupid, am I right? I'm right. And if I'm not right, you need to sit yourself down and watch Boytown, pronto.
According to Wikipedia, Long Weekend is considered an "Ozploitation Film"; that's Wikispeak for "Australian Exploitation Film", which I assume just refers to a movie filmed in Australia, set in Australia, starring Australians, where alot of typical Australian shit goes down. Meat pie eating, fly swatting, beer chugging, cricket watching, being viciously murdered by Ivan Milat-ing.
You know. Just the usual.
I wanted to be sure of this, so I Googled a list of other Ozploitation movies:
- BMX Bandits
- Wolf Creek
Think about it - the vampires in Daybreakers? The crocodile in Rogue? The serial killer from Wolf Creek? And let us not forget the horror that was Nicole Kidman's hair in BMX Bandits.
After Long Weekend, I watched a little diddy by the name of The Day The Earth Stood Still. Going into it, I knew next to nothing about this movie, except that it stars Keanu Reeves. I am one of maybe 6 people left on this plant who does not hate or feel sorry for Keanu. Why do people dislike this guy? He was Neo! Or, for those of you who weren't nerdy enough to watch The Matrix in high school, he was the sexy badass cop who made out with Sandra Bullock in Speed! And yet still, people make fun of the guy. Weird. If people are gonna make fun of anyone, it should be the dude who replaced him in Speed 2: Cruise Control. Or Nicole Kidman in BMX Bandits.
So The Day The Earth Stood Still. Also pretty shit, but Keanu was alright. The real villain of the movie was Jaden Smith, AKA The Kid From The Pursuit Of Happyness, AKA Will Smith's offspring. Nothing against the Smiths, but they seem like one of the most self-important families in Hollywood. If I met Jaden Smith in the street, I have no doubt that he would kick me in the vagina and give me a lecture about what I could achieve if I only took my life more seriously. Then his little sister would probably come and whip me in the face with her ponytail.
What a bunch of assholes.
Anyway, Earth Stood Still. Is this the only movie where Keanu plays an alien? I swear he has been an alien before. Perhaps I'm just thinking of that scene in The Matrix where he comes out of the birthing pod, bald and all covered in slime.
Extra terrestrials are extra sexy. The movie has a few characters other than The Alien Keanu. There's Jaden Smith as The Littlest Asshole, of course. And Jennifer Connolly (you might remember as one of the herion addicts from Requiem For A Dream, among other things), who plays his step-mother and is some sort of doctor genius. I forget her real name, so we'll call her Doctor Heroin.
Doctor Heroin and a bunch of other science nerds are kidnapped in the middle of the night and taken to some secret service warehouse. Why? Well because there's a foreign object travelling through space that's about to make contact with and destroy the entire planet, of course! And thus begins the start of every apocalypse-type film you've ever seen.
I almost changed the channel.
Everyone knows I love Armageddon, and even The Day After Tomorrow was okay, but if I wanted to see one more example of how the human race will be painfully and irrecovably eliminated, I'd just Google global warming.