Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Oscar Day '11 - My Review, Now With Pictures

Some Oscar thoughts:

So, what, Geoffrey Rush is like..bald now?

That's all.

I'm only kidding of course.  Though I have to admit, this year's Academy Awards weren't as exciting for me as they have been in the past.  Mainly all I want to say about them is that I'd like to marry this:
...while wearing this:
...and listening to any song performed by this:

I know.  Booooring.  So as much as I love James Franco and Florence Welch and the idea of actually being able to pull off a lavender-coloured dress, the 83rd Oscars didn't cut it for me.  Which is upsetting, because anyone who reads this blog on at least a semi-regular basis (Re: once a year, preferably in late February) will know that when it comes to awards season in Hollywood, I am six kinds of obsessed with an extra dash of crazy sauce.  So I made a list.  Here is everything that went wrong with the Oscars in 2011...

1. Meryl Streep Was AWOL
So what if she's getting older, is always nominated but never seems to win, and hasn't actually appeared on a movie screen since It's Complicated back in 2009?  Oscar Day without Meryl Streep is like my 21st birthday without tequila; it's boring, it's unnatural, and nobody's game enough to make inappropriate threesome jokes about Alec Baldwin.
2. All The Good Bits Got Cut
Thanks to me having a full time job (as part of my ongoing bid to convince the Lane Cove Real Estate Agents that I'm actually grown up enough to handle my own apartment and certainly wont be setting up a kiddie pool in the lounge room or drinking my coffee out of a glow-in-the-dark martini glass), I didn't get to watch the awards live this year.  Bummed.  Everyone knows the only way to see George Clooney's actual reactions to the jokes made about him is to watch the live telecast.  Ie the one that plays before he sneaks backstage and pays the censors to cut out the parts where he makes faces like this:

3. Nicole Kidman Wore This:

Just...just...NO.  And while we're on the topic of Australians, since when did Jacki Weaver start spelling her name the same way as me?  Because I swear she didn't always do the 'CKI-Without-An-E".  And while I'm insane and vindictive and probably should have been institutionalised by now, my Mother (who isn't) actually agrees with me.  Check MATE, Ms Weaver.  And quit trying to be me!
4. Melissa Leo Got In Trouble
Just for dropping the F Bomb in her acceptance speech.  Really, Academy Of Old Dudes Who Decide What The Best Movies Are?  Really?  I'm sorry, did I miss something?  Was the audience full of impressionable primary-schoolers this year?  Get over yourselves.  To be honest, I found the whole thing kind of charming.  And not just because I'm the kind of person who always imagines herself dropping the F Bomb in the most inappropriate of circumstances:
5. James Cameron Wasn't Nominated 10 Dillion Times.  Or To Be More Specific, James Cameron Didn't Lose 10 Dillion Times
In my eyes, the best Oscar Ceremony was the one in 2009.  Partially because that's the year Hugh Jackman hosted, and to me there is nothing funnier than the mental image of Wolverine partying backstage with Helen Mirren:
Mostly though, it's because 2009 will always be the year Avatar was totally ass-kicked by The Hurt Locker.  If you know me, you know two things:
1) I hate Avatar.  If I had balls, watching Avatar would be like getting kicked in the crotch.  I'm a girl, so I guess it's more like giving birth to a $500 million greenscreen.  Or something.  And
2) I always vouch for the underdog.
So while I've only been able to sit through The Hurt Locker once, and found the whole experience so traumatising I'm sure it's like 30% of the reason I'm unable to love, it was the underdog.  And it won.  And James Cameron cried like a little bitch baby...I'm assuming.  Probably not, but I like the idea of James Cameron crying like a little bitch baby.  Plus the chick who directed Hurt Locker is his ex-wife, and way hotter than his current wifeAND did I mention that she BEAT him?  If that doesn't spell entertainment, I honestly don't know what does.  This year though, there was no Avatar VS Hurt Locker/James Cameron VS Katherine Bigelow equivalent.  I had to settle for creating personal fueds between each of the actors in my head; which I can tell you now is not NEARLY as much fun.

That's it, really.  I can only hope next year shows an improvement.  By which I of course mean...I hope I'm hosting.

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