Wednesday, March 18, 2009

my best blog moments

I am one of those people who always has their best moments when nobody else is around.
You know.
And when I'm surrounded by a crowd of 10,000 people and holding a microphone, the only thing that comes out of my mouth is a really bad Aaron Neville impression. So here is me, shoving my best material in all your faces until you give me the satisfaction I crave.
Well, that, or tell me to shut up.
Whatever. So, these are some of my best phrases. I encourage you to bring them up in conversation whenever you can:

"Who invented the word kankle? Because whoever it was, I am going to smack their bottom." - 14/08/04

"All you people out there - I BELIEVE IN YOU!! You CAN make your own g-string, and I am proof that IT IS POSSIBLE!!" - 11/08/04

"Also there was a cake shaped like a vagina...because we all know there is no point in having a cake unless everybody else on the planet is insulted by it." - 17/11/06

"Nicole Kidman has probably been naked in my house like a dillion times." - 30/10/06

"I didn't know they made undies that could be saggy and high-cut at the same time, but I'm wearing the proof." - 27/10/06

"All I could think was 'I'm about to get killed by my own hair!'" - 16/08/06

"It's been such a long time since I sat down at my computer and wrote anything that wasn't about Wentworth Miller. Or Prison Break. Or the fact that I'm in love with Wentworth Miller. And Prison Break" - 04/04/07

"So while you might think I'm plagiarising, I'm actually just educating you all on Postmodernism, so Mr Watson - you should buck up and give me an Extension History medal or something." -16/07/07

"Anyone who's anyone knows Catherine and I never look in the cupboard under the sink, because there is a reason we put things in the cupboard under the sink, and that reason is that they smell like a graveyard." - 16/07/07

"It's like the universes way of telling me that I will probably end up in prison within 12 minutes of leaving school and going into the real world." - 03/05/07

"Old people pretty much have no clue." - 15/04/03

"My dad is trying to connect his new computer to the internet. Without much success - he hasn't got any internet, and now our home phone isn't working." - 25/03/07

"If I watch the SuperBowl, I'm going to end up with hot turkey in my crotch. And that's never good." - 28/11/08

"Everything was going fine, until about 15 minutes into my walk, when I realised I had left the house without putting a bra on. Whoops." - 07/08/08

"First of all, I apologise for not blogging for so long. Second of all, I apologise for being so arrogant that I actually think people will read this." - 19/02/08

"Eventually, I solved the problem by kicking the fax machine until it turned off." - 30/01/08

"Michael Vaughn was so hot. His funeral should have been open-casket." - 13/02/09

"Here's to hoping I dont run over any (more) cops!" - 12/02/09

"Like this personal ad I saw recently. It said 'Albino he-she seeks similar'. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I don't think an albino he-she can afford to be choosy." - 02/02/09

And maybe my favourite of all time:

"While I was waiting for that photo to upload, I decided to compile a list of all the things that absolutely infuriate me. Here is it:
1) The Blogger photo-uploading system
That's as far as I got. As soon as I typed that, I got so angry that I couldn't go any further. I just punched the computer screen, then went to get some juice." - 13/02/09

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