Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Core

So one random afternoon, like 6 years ago, Julia and I sat down in her living room after school and turned on the TV, and there was some crazy end-of-the-world type movie on. Let me tell you - I love end-of-the-world movies. I am all about end-of-the-world movies. But since we had to trek down to the primary school and coach a bunch of 9 year olds on how to play netball, we couldn't watch all of it. The only thing we saw was London getting attacked by a flock of frenzied pidgeons - it was enough to get me hooked.
Then, a year or 2 later, I was on holidays in Sabah, and I turned on the TV in our hotel room - guess what I saw - that very same scene, with the birds attacking London!! And as luck would have it, everyone else in my family was either asleep, reading or in the shower, so I sat through 2 hours of cinematic genius, otherwise known as The Core.
So obviously, when I saw that The Core was on TV tonight, I pretty much freaked. I mean, right out. I was psyched for this movie. So 830 rolls around, I'm parked on the couch with a can of Red Bull and Twilight (you know, for the commercials)...and it starts.

One thing before I go should know, I have a certain penchant for really bad movies.
You know?
Like, Space Jam. Or Boogeyman.
Oh, and has anyone else seen that movie where those kids from Hawaii build a solar-powered car and then enter it in a race across the Simpson Desert? It was awesome!

So, that said...
Here's why you should all watch The Core:
  • Its got all these really good actors, but it still turned out terrible. Aaron Eckhart, Hilary Swank, Stanley Tucci - and I love me some Stanley Tucci. Also, Hilary Swank? If theres something that amuses me more than almost anything else, its when someone wins an Oscar, then makes a movie like The Core.
  • The CGI is really dodgy. Like, in that first scene? You have all these animated birds crashing into shop fronts and car windows and stuff, and then you noticed that one of them is actually a fish. No joke. I'm no genius, but even I know the different between a bird and a fish. This was no bird.
  • It has that guy who sucks up to Dr Kelso on Scrubs in it. You know, that random doctor who follows Kelso around in some episodes? And Dr Cox likes to make jokes about how he's "elbow deep in Dr Kelso's Colon"?? He's totally in this movie! For like, 8 seconds. For some reason, the sun becomes super hot, but only to people living in San Francisco (they don't have to explain, its an end-of-the-world-movie thing), anyway Dr Suckup is sitting in his car with his arm out the window and it, like, gets seared off the by sun.
  • They have the most idiotic one liners. Like, they are in the ship, heading towards the core of the earth, and they see these giant diamonds everywhere. And the main guy goes "Diamonds? I want some!"
  • The writers think the audience are morons. Like at the beginning, when the two main characters are trying to explain to this panel of super-scientists why the earth is going crazy and shiz - they do this big speech, most of it is scientific jargon, yadda yadda yadda, but you get the gist; the core of the earth has stopped spinning, so the protective atmosphere that surrounds it is going to collapse and all this bad stuff is gonna go down, y'all. So, ok, we get it. The scientists get it, the writers get it, we get it. Then, obviously for our benefit, the main guy goes: "Imagine this peach is the earth". And then lights the peach on fire. Right. First of all? No. And second of all, thats not even what would happen! They'd just spent the last, like, 10 minutes talking about super storms and earthquakes and how everything electronic was going to start failing. Then its like hmm, how to explain this to the idiots....Earth goes boom!
  • There is a love story. I know. You cant have an end-of-the-world movie without a love story. Why save the world if you're just going to end up alone anyway, right?

I was going to write more, but then I realised how long this post has gotten - people are busy these days, uni, work and whatnot.
On the other hand, I'm not sure that anyone reads this anyway, so does it really matter? Well, yes, because theres a crappy Nicholas Cage movie starting in like 45 minutes and I don't want to miss it.

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