Thursday, June 11, 2009

Top Ten

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate Winter
10. The 'Moon Tan'
Oh, my gosh. I know we live in the age slash nation of skin cancer and all, but how I miss having a tan. I mean it. I mean it! Now I'm so white my skin has blinding capabilities. THAT'S what I call a health hazard.

9. Constant Showers
Because the only way to defrost my limbs each morning is to stand in the shower for 45 minutes, with the temperature turned all the way to 'scalding hot'. And then it only takes 2 seconds after I get out before they're all frozen again! Dammit! So basically, the only way to get through a whole day without turning into a modern-day Otzi is to keep showering. Every hour, on the hour. Haha, no, only kidding - there's a drought, people! So I have to settle for 2 showers a day. Okay, sometimes 3.

8. Chapped Lips
Yeah it's totally gross, but don't pretend you don't have the same problem. Everyone knows that winter = chapped lips. I guess it wouldn't be so bad, except how can I expect Wentworth to kiss me if my lips are all chappy? And on that note...

7. The Cold Weather Means There's Less Chance Of Wentworth Taking His Shirt Off In Front Of Me
Well, it's true!! Should he choose to visit Australia again, I mean. Last summer it was so fracking hot, there were guys walking around shirtless in Westfield. In Westfield!! Hell, I was tempted to walk around shirtless in Westfield. But in winter? I don't think so.

6. Swine Flu
Huh. Maybe there's actually no connection between it being winter and the Swine Flu pandemic. But I'm not knowledgable enough to know whether or not thats true. So Swine Flu makes the list.

5. There Aren't As Many Opportunities To Wear Sunglasses
Which probably isn't such a big deal to any normal person, but for me, Jacki Trew, sunglass addict, it's a serious issue. You have no idea how depressing it is to own 5000 pairs of sunglasses, and have nowhere to wear them!

4. I Have To Keep Blowdrying My Hair
Because if I don't, and I go outside when it's still wet, the cold air freezes the water and my hair dries like ice, and then if I try and put it into a ponytail, it'll all snap off. And then I'll be bald. Which would suck.

3. I Don't DO Winter Clothes
I don't. I really don't. The warmest thing I own is probably...jeans. And they have holes in the knees! The only long-sleeved tops I have cost me 5 bucks from Cotton On, and they're so thin, it's like wearing tissue paper. I may as well walk around naked. And, yes, sometimes I do. But lets be honest - that's not pleasant for anyone.

2. I HATE Electric Blankets
Maybe I'm crazy. Oh, who am I kidding - of COURSE I'm crazy. But I can totally justify my fear of electric blankets. I used to love them. Oh yes, they were fantastic. Until I saw this news report on some old lady who burned to death because hers lit on fire in the middle of the night. It LIT on FIRE. In THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. It's like two of my greatest fears combined - spontaneous combustion, and the dark. If that's not a good enough reason to hate electric blankets, I don't know what is.

and the Number 1 Reason Why I Hate Winter...
It's not summer.

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