Sunday, June 14, 2009

10,000 BC

I watched 10,000 BC today.
Even though I was warned (firmly) by more than one person not to do so, I felt like I should give it a chance. Here was my reasoning:

Well I like good movies, so if it's good, I'll like it. And I like crap movies, so if it's crap, I'll like it. And I need something to distract myself from the fact that Michael died in the last episode of Prison Break, so if it's not Wentworth Miller being electrocuted, I'll like it.

Yeah, I know. Pretty solid, right?
Well anyway. After watching the movie, all I have to say is...well, sometimes I question my purpose on earth. But no more. No. After watching 10,000 BC, I can understand my role in the destiny of mankind: To warn people against watching this piece of crap movie.
Please, for your own good. DON'T watch 10,000 BC. I'm going to say it: 10,000 BC is the worst movie I've ever seen. And I've seen Boytown. Twice.
And it's not that I'm hard to impress or anything. Because I'm not! I am SO not! I might be the most easily impressed person on the planet. Today I told my sister's friend his water bed was 'Probably the best thing I've ever seen in my life.'
Huh. That might not be a fair test, though. Waterbeds are awesome.
Well, anyway. Not the point. The point is...if you ever feel the temptation to watch 10,000 BC, stop, go to your computer, and read this post instead:

Alright so we're ten minutes in, and the leading guy/girl have already confessed their undying love for each other. Oh, and did I mention that at this stage, they're still kids?
Um, what?
They expect us to believe that 10,000 years ago, living in the mountains, hunted by a pack of blood-thirsty woolly mammoths, two 10 year old's can find their soulmates? Oh, man. I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed for the writers, or depressed over the fact that I'm almost 20 and still totally alone.
And, yeah. Blood-thirsty woolly mammoths. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
For the first, like, 45 minutes, part of the excitement was looking out for Whoopi Goldburg. I can't explain it, but for some reason, I was totally convinced Whoopi Goldburg was in this movie. I swear when Julia's dad was telling me about it at Christmas, the name 'Whoopi Goldburg' came out of his mouth at one point. Although he might have just said something like "Dude that movie is so bad, I'd rather see Whoopi Goldburg dress in drag and do the hula than sit through it again."
Yeah, so 45 minutes went by with me going "Whoopi? Whoopi? Is that Whoopi? Is that Whoopi?" every 6 seconds. I think at one point I even convinced myself that she played the crazy ancient tribe witch. She did not.
Oh, here's a question for the hair and makeup department: Why does everyone have dreadlocks? I mean yeah, I get that it's 10,000 BC and you're all supposed to look rugged and primative and stuff, but would dreadlocks really have been the best low-hair-care option? Surely a ponytail would suffice? And did you actually think anyone would buy that Camilla Belle's eyes are really that colour? Hint: the bit around the iris is supposed to be white. Not blue.
You know what else was interesting? And by 'interesting', I mean 'made me want to scratch my own eyes out with frustration'? All of the animals were huge. Ridiculously huge. It was crazy - first you've got the crazy dinosaur chicken things which can bite through trees, then there's a 15ft vulture. Oh, and the sabre-tooth tiger I saw must have been shooting some serious steroids, because it was pretty much the size of a bus.
Amusing? Yes.
Believable? Hell no.
Oh and here's a fun fact: Remember those woolly mammoths I was talking about? Well it turns out they're the ones that built the pyramids in Egypt. Slaves, aliens, some form of ancient Egyptian machinery...I don't know why we never considered woolly mammoths before! Thanks, 10,000 BC. You cracked the case WIDE open!

Okay, I'm going to stop here, because I'm starting to sound mean, and well honestly, a little crazy. And should any of the writers/producers/directors of 10,000 BC be reading this right now, I don't want them to think that just because the movies they make are really shit, I wouldn't be willing to star in one. Because I would. I totally would. You know, as long as I didn't have to actually get dreadlocks or anything.

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