Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Time I Met Jigsaw

The thing I’ve found about watching the Saw movies is that unless you’re a complete emotional cripple, the chances of getting through them without crying, fainting or choking to death on your own vomit are quite low. Thankfully, if there’s one person I know who’s as cold on the inside as I am, it’s Boyfriend. Here’s what we’ve accomplished in the last week:

I’ve never been to university, but I’m pretty sure this qualifies me for a degree in serial killing. They list positions for that on Seek, right?

I’ve been speaking a lot about careers lately. I think getting a job interviewing serial killers like the one from Saw could be quite interesting. Plus it would combine my interest in the human mind with my love of asking inane and ridiculous questions. Here’s how I would interview Jigsaw:

Me: So, Jigsaw, tell me...were you really married to that blonde chick from the drug clinic?
Jigsaw: Yes
Me: Really? But she’s like...15 years younger than you.
Jigsaw: I can see how you might think that, but -
Me: And kind of a babe!
Jigsaw: I really don’t see how that’s releva -
Me: Is it coz you’re rich? I mean, you’re pretty rich, right? You said something in the 6th movie about having loads of money...
Jigsaw: I’m sorry..shouldn’t we be talking about the fact that I kill people?
Me: Oh yeah, you’re a real monster. Hey! What was it like working with the dude who played Luke in Gilmore Girls? I used to have such a crush on him.
Jigsaw: Are you kidding me with this shit? This is ridiculous. I’m not young anymore, okay? I’ve been thinking of the worst ways to kill people for 25 years now, and you know what? I’m tired. And as you so kindly pointed out before, I’m old. All I wanted to do today was play bridge, make a cup of tea, and maybe watch someone chainsaw their own legs off. But no, no, my agent dragged me down here for this ‘important’ interview - and now all you want to do is talk about Luke from Gilmore Girls. Incidentally, he was even more handsome in real life. But that’s not the point! Now, are you going to ask me some decent and intelligent questions or not?
Me: If you end up making another Saw movie, would you consider involving sharks with laser beams attached to their heads?
Jigsaw: Can I say something?
Me: Sure
Jigsaw: I want to play a game.

I have a feeling that career choice might be short-lived. Literally.

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