Here is how I will win the next season of My Kitchen Rules:
1. Without using an electronic cooking utensil of any kind
Has anyone else noticed that at least 4 teams have totally stuffed up their Instant Restaurant because of a malfunctioning oven? This is simultaneously gut-wrenching and hilarious to witness - and I don't think saying that makes me a terrible person. What? They wouldn't put it on television if they didn't think people would enjoy it. I said that about Channel 9's Ivan Milat special, and I'm saying it again now.
2. With Alex as my team mate
One of the best parts about MKR is that it's a team competition. I like to spend the first couple of weeks deciphering the dynamics of each pair; because in most cases, there is one clear role for each person to play: There's the Alpha - the sexy good-looking one, who flirts with the judges and can make perfect guacamole. Then there's the Omega - the one with strange hair, who doesn't really say much but always proves pretty helpful in the kitchen.
Should Alex and I compete on My Kitchen Rules, she would be both the Alpha AND the Omega. I would be the girl sitting in the corner eating mangoes.
3. By acting super-nice in front of the camera and then murdering all other contestants in their sleep
Speaking of lame reality television, has anyone else seen that new show Please Marry My Boy? I actually haven't, but as far as I'm aware it revolves around a man's future wife being chosen for him by his over-controlling mother. What a healthy basis for a long-lasting relationship. Still. I like the idea because it seems like the kind of show that could end in a serious case of heartache, and assholes like me live for that sort of thing.
Just like with My Kitchen Rules, I think Please Marry My Boy would benefit from having me as a castmember. Only not as one of the girls. I'm not the kind of girl a mother would look at and think 'She's daughter-in-law material'. Mothers look at me and think 'She will corrupt my son and destroy our family'. Whatever. I suggest that next season channel 7 take the show in a new direction with me as the central girl, and my Dad choosing my future husband from a group of shirtless dudes.
'Please Marry My Girl.'Only in our case, something along the lines of 'Please Take This Girl Off My Hands' would probably be more accurate. I think those were actually the first words out of my Dad's mouth when he met Boyfriend.