Sunday, February 26, 2012

Birthday Countdown 2012 has officially begun.
That's right, motherlovers!!  It's now less than 2 weeks until my birthday.  Less than 2 weeks until the anniversary of my birth.  In less than 2 weeks, we shall come together to celebrate that fateful day, just 18 (and then some) years ago, when a 7 pound baby to be named Jacki sprang from the womb and entered a world so naive and unsuspecting, the doctors didn't think to stuff me back in again.  I couldn't actually find any pictures of the moment I was born, but I imagine it went something like this:

I've had that expression on my face for almost 22 years now.
I decided yesterday to get my act together and organise a Facebook event for what I'm calling THE PARTY OF THE FUCKING CENTURY, BITCHES.
It was actually Alex's idea that instead of another 18th (it'd be my 5th in a row), I should have a Bucks Night to celebrate. I jumped on board immediately because while I love all activities involved in a traditional Bucks 'do, I'm rarely if ever invited to them.  I think it might have something to do with me not being engaged.  Or you know, a man.  Whatever.  We'll be starting with drinks at the Longy on March 17th around 7:30pm and ending with me attempting to crash the stage at Showgirls around 3.  I'm guessing.  Come one, come all, come watch me make a fool of myself.  It happens every year without fail.

Thinking about planning my birthday party these last few days has had me remembering what I did last year to celebrate.  Although I was calling it my fourth 18th, I guess technically I turned 21.  
I love a good crazy 21st as much as the next borderline alcoholic, but I'm not really the type of girl to invite 150 people into my parents living room so we can all annoy the neighbours with loud music and witness my Dad passing out on the lawn at four in the morning.  That was a tempting option, but in the end I decided there would be much less of a clean-up if we all just got hammered at the pub instead.  Alex, MJ and I went straight from work - arriving at about 6:30pm - and within 25 minutes I had a glass of champagne in each hand and was watching porn on MJ's camera phone.  What is is about birthdays and champagne?  I'd invited about 30 people to this party, and every time someone arrived they felt compelled to buy me a glass.  I mean, I'm assuming that all 30 did this.  I can really only remember the first 6 or 7 - after that I started seeing flying Chinese babies.
There are a few things you can always count on from Drunk Jacki:
1) She wants to dance but is too lazy to actually stand, so will just awkwardly move her shoulders up and down to the beat of the music.
2) She will constantly mess up her own hair.  On purpose.
3) She will try to convince you to get a tattoo.
4) And/or piercing.
5) She is better at putting on make up than Sober Jacki.
6) She wants to kiss everyone.
This last one is something I have never properly been able to explain.  Probably something to do with my pathologically low level of self-esteem.  Or perhaps I'm just a whore.  Either way, this little habit totally worked out in my favour that night, because one of the 30 people I'd invited to celebrate 21...was Boyfriend.

A little background on Boyfriend:
 Boyfriend and I have actually known each other for about 6 years now.  I was 16 when we first met, and he was known as Crush.  For a while he was Potential Boyfriend, and when I was 17 he was Formal Date, but by the time I'd turned 18 and finished school, he was just Friend.  Or to be more accurate, That Friend You Always Kind Of Have A Thing For.  You know what I'm talking about - I'm not the only one this has happened to!  If life and the final 3 seasons of Gilmore Girls have taught me anything, it's that a relationship will always taste better if you leave it in the slow-cooker for 5 or 6 years before making a move.  
Unfortunately for me, at the time of my 21st birthday, Boyfriend had a different nickname: Someone Else's Boyfriend.  Fortunately for me though, it was my 21st birthday.  I do what I want.
In my defense, I'm pretty sure the whole kissing situation was only brought on by a game of Suck N' Blow.  (I can't be 100% certain - those Chinese babies kept blocking my vision).  In any case, he wasn't the only person I kissed that night.  I think even my cab driver got a little sugar.  I know my friend Ellen certainly did.  It was completely innocent.  No tongue.  Clothes stayed on.  Big group of friends.  I guess what I'm really trying to say is DON'T JUDGE ME, DRUNK JACKI IS A CHEEKY WHORE WHO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED NEAR GOOD-LOOKING YOUNG MEN.
Luckily for men, pub owners and humanity in general, Friend I Always Kind Of Had A Thing For later turned into Boyfriend and Cheeky Whore Jacki became Just Some Idiot Who Blogs About Every Aspect Of Her Life In The Hopes That One Day Someone From Random House Ltd Will Read It And Give Her 8 Billion Dollars For The Rights To Publish.
Hey, I can dream can't I?

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