Monday, January 02, 2012

I honestly can't remember the last time I made and actually kept a New Years Resolution.  There are 2 main reasons for this:

1) I believe that if you make a resolution, you're pretty much cementing the fact that it won't last/succeed/come true.  As soon as you promise yourself something, you will fail.  Isn't the saying 'Good things come to those who wait'?  Why, then, would you go chasing after your dreams and publicly declaring that they will come true?  Keep quiet, I say, and you might have a fleeting chance at happiness.  Plus, it's just depressing to hear everyone else talking about how much tequila they're not going to drink with me this year.
2) Fuckin' lazy.

For someone who naturally wakes up at 6:30 on Sunday mornings with enough energy to take down 3 basketball players, I'm almost extraordinarily lazy.  Don't believe me?  Let's recap on what I wrote a moment ago...
2) Fuckin' lazy.
See what I mean?  You know when you can't even be bothered to type the last letter in the word 'fucking', you've got a bit of an issue.  Of course, you might say that by typing out a whole explanation as to why I actually wrote fuckin' instead of fuckinG, I've effectively counteracted the whole laziness factor.  And that'd probably be true - if I weren't typing this while lying on the couch, watching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother out of the corner of my eye because I can't be bothered to focus properly on one thing.
And I'm also in my underwear.


Anyway, where was I?  New Years Resolutions.  Does anyone make them anymore?  Last time I did, I was 15 years old and declaring that 2006 would be the 'Year Of Love'.  Wanna know what happened in 2006?  Well, plenty I guess.  But wanna know who I did it with?  No one.  Year Of Love? 
This is why I hate resolutions.

There is one thing that I enjoy about New Years Eve, however, and that's my annual 'It's The End Of The Year, Let's Sum It Up By Answering A Bunch Of Numerous And Seemingly Random Questions' post.  I've done this for the past 3 or 4 years running:
Anyway.  To comemorate the ending of one year, and the beginning of another (during which we will apparently all perish with the ending of the world, cheers Mayans), here are 10 random questions - thoughtfully provided by the only people on Earth who come close to being as ridiculous as me.  Mum and Dad.

Question 1: Can you bake a cake?
I used to think so, but no.  The last time I attempted was way back in October for my Mum's birthday and the result was, um, how do I word this?  A colossal failure.  Alex had given me the recipe for an English sponge cake which sounded simple enough and had the least amount of ingredients I think I've ever seen for a single dessert.  Well, 'simple' was the operative word.  'Operative' here meaning 'A fucking lie'.  Despite following the recipe to a T, and leaving it in the oven for the EXACT amount of time specified, the whole thing collapsed as soon as I attempted to flip it out of the tin.  Thankfully what I lack in cake-making skills, I more than make up for with the ability to cover my own stupid mistakes, and the English sponge cake became a Violet Crumble and Sponge Cake Trife.  Wow, I just realised how long I've been talking about this.  To cut a long story short, Violet Crumbles are the answer to 90% of Life's questions - as long as the only thing Life asks you about is your Mother's birthday cake.

Question Two: What was your greatest achievement in 2011?
Moving out.  Or finally deciding to deal with my irrational fear of the Post Office.

Question Three: What was the worst thing to happen to you in 2011?
Well on a depressing note, I had my heart broken for the SECOND time, and I lost my mobile phone along with all my contacts, photographs and music.  But if you look on the positive side, both of those stories turned out to be hilarious anecdotes that I will probably end up having written on my tombstone.  You know.  Because even mourners need a good laugh.

Question Four:  If you had to - if you had to - make a Resolution for the New Year, what would it be?
I resolve to stop spending all my money on party drinks; straight vodka is much healthier.

Question Five: Where would you like to visit in 2012?
Panama.  I don't know why you guys keep asking me this; it's the same answer every year.

Question Six: What was the best day of 2011?
Wow, tough question.  Christmas is always up there, and this years was no exception.  But then there's also the weekend we spent at the Shangri-La for Alex's 21st birthday to consider.  Or the day I moved into my new apartment.  Or my 21st birthday, when Elle and Gemma ran to Woolworths for a 30-pack of mini cupcakes and had the whole pub sing Happy Birthday to me.  I guess all of those are the 'best days' of 2011.  Yeah.  Them, or that Wednesday when I found $2 in the keybox of my locker at the gym.

Question Seven: What would you be sadder about?  Ben dying, or Nathan moving overseas?
Mum, I don't watch Packed To The Rafters.  You know this.

Question Eight: Do you plan on blogging in 2012?
Oh, heck yes.

Question Nine:  If yes, will you cut down on the swearing?
Oh, fuck no.

And Finally, Question Ten: Why are you such an idiot?
Oh, that's easy.  Because I'm Jacki Trew.

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