Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Wedding Where Some Crazy Chick Was The MC And It Was Totally Awesome Even If My Sister Doesn't Think So

And how is it, you may be asking, that I am able to blog at 8:16pm on a Tuesday night?

And alright, if I'm being strictly accurate (which is new for me, so give me some credit), the computer really only belongs to Alex.  Plus it's not exactly new...we've had it for about a month.
Because really, when you think about it - since Alex is pretty much my wife - I'd like to think that what is hers is mine.  And the only people who actually know that it's taken me this long to blog on my OWN computer in my OWN apartment are Catherine and Boyfriend...and both of them think I'm an idiot anyway.

I love having a computer in the apartment.  I really do.  I think, actually, there are only 4 things I love more than having a computer in the apartment:
1) Toasted cheese sandwiches
2) The feeling of self-satisfaction when I make someone laugh
3) Dirty Dancing
4) Julia and Nathan's wedding.
Huh.  Look at that.  A perfect segue.  Because the next thing I had planned to post about was...


I've been thinking about how to do this justice.  A literary description of Julia and Nathan's wedding, that is.  It's pretty important to me, because I'm almost 100% certain that at some point in time this will be read by Ryan Reynolds, and he'll probably be basing his decision of whether or not to seduce me on how much I can make him laugh with my witty anecdotes and charming recounts.  Luckily for Ryan, I am the kind of person who works well under pressure. 
Let's start with the ceremony.  About the ceremony, there are 3 things you need to know:
1) I cried
2) She was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen in my life (and I've seen the episode of Home and Away when Hayley married Noah, TWICE)
3) I cried
I'm not usually a cryer (crier?), but there's something about seeing the girl who's been your best friend for the past 16 years in a wedding dress - my face looked like Niagara Falls, only wetter.  I think the people behind me actually had to put raincoats on.  So that was fun.  My other favourite part was the singing...there were 3 or 4 songs performed by a fantastic band (vocals lead by one of my other best friends, Issy), and the entire congregation was expected to sing along.  The only problem was that neither I (nor any of the people around me) knew any of the songs.  Oh wait, I'm sorry, did I say problem?  What I really meant was 'the part that made it completely amazing and memorable'.  There is nothing funnier than a large group of people attempting to sing along to a song they have never heard before.  It kind of made me wish there was a camera-man focusing on individual people and projecting their images onto a big screen behind the bride and groom.  
Oh well.
Maybe at my wedding.
A group of Greenwich Public Alumni after the ceremony.  From left to right; Alex, My big sister, me, The Most Beautiful Bride Who Ever Was, Robbie, Jess, Madi, Morto and Issy.

Now, where was I?
Between the ceremony and the reception there was a bit of a gap - most people I know filled this by either drinking at a local pub (e.g. Boyfriend), or by going home to change outfits on account of the fact that they'd acted like a total unco and spilled Red Bull jelly all over their original dress (e.g. Catherine).  Being that I was both MC and Totally Eager To Involve Myself In This Wedding As Much As Possible, I had been given the task of transporting Julia and Nathan's bags (for the honeymoon) from the Church to their hotel room - without informing anyone of their hotel room location.  And OH MY GOD, did I take my job seriously.  Maybe a little too seriously...my Dad had offered to drive me to the hotel in question, but he was a little confused when I informed him that 'the hotel in question' was a secret which I'd promised not to tell. I did end up telling him eventually, but only after he'd promised to give me $8 billion dollars AND the keys to Mum's 4-wheel drive if he ever revealed the location.
He did not.
Now, to the reception.
I was in the middle of my second champagne when I realised that - shit  - I was the MC and - shit - I was expected to (eloquently) speak several times in front of a large group of people and - SHIT - both the bride and groom and (come to think of it) the DJ, Photographer and Manager were expecting ME to co-ordinate them for the rest of the evening.  Needless to say I put on my 'sensible' cap, stopped drinking champagne, and started taking shots of tequila.  I think it worked out well:
Me and Morto; and Our Enthusiasm, which I think deserves its own caption.

Now, I don't wanna make anyone who wasn't sitting on my table feel bad or jealous or that they missed out on some kind of experience or anything, but MY TABLE WAS THE GREATEST TABLE THAT HAS EVER BEEN ASSEMBLED AT ANY WEDDING IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.  And that includes the dream wedding that I had to Wentworth Miller where he, I, Freddie Mercury, Baz Luhrmann and Hugh Jackman were all seated together.  The best part was that Catherine and Boyfriend had been placed next to each other, and it took about 8 minutes for me to realise that she was kind of in love with him:
The only time my sister has ever been jealous of me.

Speaking of my sister, you know this MUST have been the greatest wedding in history, because she was in a great mood for pretty much the entire night.  How great?  Great enough to sit still for a photo with me:
Catherine and Jacki Trew; both smiling nicely for the camera at once.  A moment in history.

Now on a serious note, remember when I said that Julia was the most beautiful bride the world has ever seen?  I forgot to mention Nathan, the gorgeous groom:
A weaker woman would have jizzed their pants at the sight of it.  Luckily I have an enormous amount of control.

So, um, what was after the First Dance again?  Oh yeah.  The bouquet toss.  I counted myself out of this particular event, both because I have almost no chance of getting married and because the only thing that scares me more than a huge group of violently shrieking girls is the idea of being murdered by Ivan Milat.  So no, I did not catch the bouquet.  Neither did Boyfriend.  Actually it was my friend Beth.  Surprising, considering by that stage she was drunk enough to pretend I was her date for the night:
Beth and I have our 'first dance' as a married couple.  It was magical.

Beth wasn't the only one lucky enough to dance with me that night:
5 minutes into my marriage with Beth, I cheat on her with Gemma.  

By this stage in the evening, I was pretty much done with my duties as MC.  And at around 10:30, the bride and groom made their official exit, so I could feel free to relax and um - how do you say it?  Get completely hammered.  Screw acting like a mature and responsible adult; if I want to sit on a chair in the middle of the dance floor, I'm gonna do it!!!
This photo was taken about 3 seconds before Beth gave me a lap dance.  What did I tell you?  Best wedding ever.

Just like I wasn't sure how to start this post, I'm not exactly certain how I should END my recount of The Greatest Wedding In History.  Maybe by saying that 'The Greatest Wedding In History' doesn't do this wedding justice?  Maybe by telling you that Gemma and I had to be forcibly removed from the dance floor at ten past eleven.  Really though, I don't think there's any proper way to do it.  Except with this photo:
Because it's cute and I had no excuse to post it anywhere else.  Plus, this is my blog and I'll do what I want.  Bitches.

Happy Marriage, Julia and Nathan.  May you live a long and wonderful life together in your fabulous new apartment; which I plan to crash in every Saturday night from here until the end of eternity.  XXX.  Jacki.


B said...

Bahaha omg I forgot about the lapdance!!

MOB said...

Great blog the beautiful and talented Jackstar love from the MOB a huge fan of yoursxx