One of my Mother's favourite and most bizarre habits is calling me up and telling me (in detail) about the most recent wild animal she has found floating in her pool. This is usually pretty enjoyable for me...unless of course the animal in question is one of these:
There's not a lot that scares me these days. That's not to say I'm this super-macho crazy-brave chick who grabs life by the balls and says 'Get me some BBQ sauce and I swear to God I will eat these right in front of you!'
In real life, the fact is that I'm simply too much of an idiot to realise when I'm in a situation where I should be scared. That; and until recently I was the emotional equivalent of a serial killer clown. What? I never said the truth was glamorous! But it's the truth. I feel I should also set the record straight by pointing out that I would never eat balls.
Unless they were served with BBQ sauce.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Spiders. Spiders, on the other hand, DO scare me. So when Mum called up the other week to ramble about the Funnel-Web she found on the swimming pool floor, it had some long-lasting effects. Here's a brief summary of what she told me:
1. 'I found a Funnel-Web in the pool'
Great. Thanks, Mum. This is the pool I grew up swimming around, sunbaking next to, attempting to wind-surf in...and you're only just warning me about the Funnel-Webs now? Top-notch parenting. This only cements my theory that every one of my relatives is or has been trying to kill me for the past 21 years.
2. 'Funnel-Webs can breathe under water'
Fuck. I knew they were dangerous, but I wasn't aware that we were dealing with the Chuck Norris of arachnids. They can BREATHE UNDER WATER? And they're poisonous. THEY CAN BREATHE UNDER WATER AND THEY'RE POISONOUS. It's like a Brown snake had crazy condomless sex with a Great White one Saturday night:
Oh man, and that's the other thing!!!
3. 'No Jacki, Funnel-Webs don't look the way you think they do.'
This might sound weird, especially considering that I've lived in Sydney, Australia for my whole life, but I've never actually SEEN a Funnel-Web in the flesh. I read about them as a kid though, so I was under the impression that they were easily distinguishable based on their main physical traits:
- Using their keen intellect to break through my bedroom window
Turns out I'm wrong, on all three accounts. They're not huge, they're tiny. And (by extension) not really that terrifying. The bedroom window thing I'm actually not 100% on. I installed an extra lock, just in case. My point is, I realised that I have almost no idea what a Funnel-Web actually looks like in person. So now every time I see any spider, I find myself wondering...is that a Funnel-Web?
I know that's irrelevant, and I don't care. All this Funnel-Web talk was starting to get me down. LAPTOP!! Alright, now I think this blog has gone on long enough. To recap:
- Funnel-Webs suck
- My family are trying to kill me
- I have a laptop