Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Jacki Trew: Suggested Google Search

I'm a little concerned with the manner in which celebrities are naming their kids these days.  It's, um, how do I word this delicately?  Fucking insane.  Beyonce just had her baby, right?  Blue Ivy.  Blue Ivy?  Both nice, normal words - separately.  Together, they kind of sound like a euphamism for 'yeast infection'.Here are some of the other crazy celebrity baby names I found on Google:
  • Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee's son)
  • Buddy Bear (Jamie Oliver's son)
  • Blue Angel (The Edge's daughter)
  • Princess Tiaamii (Katie Price's daughter)
  • Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone's daughter)
  • Diva Muffin (Frank Zappa's...I have no idea)
Frankly, this annoys me.  I'm annoyed.  Don't these famous people realise that there are normal, UNfamous losers out here who would love to give their kids a crazy name too?  Now when I name my son Wentworth Danger Austin-Powers Trew, people are gonna think I was just copying Russell Brand or whoever else comes up with it first!  Talk about unfair.
...I'm kidding of course.  Everybody knows I'm not allowed to have kids.

So I was at my parents house to do a bit of washing the other day ('bit' here meaning 'it probably would have been easier to just go out and buy all new clothes'), and while I was waiting for the second spin cycle to finish, I ended up sitting down and watching Packed To The Rafters for the better half of about 3 hours.  I really have nothing else to say about that, except that it's probably the first clear sign that I am turning into my Mother.  So if I'm still alive in 30-odd years, I'm gonna be 5 foot 7, addicted to Aussie dramas and a nurse.  I'll also have two charming daughters, one of whom will be hugely successful; the other will be a 21-year-old piece of shit who spends her time blogging about how she's addicted to Prison Break and will probably end up just like me.  Television addiction - it's a vicious cycle.

Speaking of television, you know what show is the most awkward on TV right now?  The most recent series of Kourtney and Kim Take New York.  I don't have Foxtel at home, so I see every trip to Mum and Dad's as an opportunity to catch up on my E! channel obsession, and that show seems to be all that's playing right now.  I know the Kardashians appear to be filming each other 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and it gets a little confusing - basically, this particular series is made up of the stuff they filmed between Kim Kardashian's honeymoon...and her divorce.  And yes.  It is EXACTLY as awkward as that last sentence I typed implies. 
What else can I talk about?
While waiting for a YouTube video to load just now, I decided to Google myself.  Yeah, that happened.  Which is especially embarassing if you consider that I am neither drunk, nor working on a talk show.  BUT.  In case you were wondering, here is what happens when you Google 'Jacki Trew':

Is that not clear?  Let me just outline what you all need to be focusing on:
That's right, my friends.  I...am a suggested Google search.
Look.  I know I'm young, I'm not even halfway through my life, there's probably much that I am yet to achieve...fuck that.  I'm gonna say it:  THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.  I'm not even sure how this happened, especially since I'm pretty sure the only people who read my blog on a regular basis are Alex, Richie and Jane.  And sometimes Boyfriend, if he's too busy to actually see me in the flesh.  No matter.  I'm on Google!  GOOGLE!  I've achieved something!  I'm a blogger!  And - most importantly - I finally have something cool to put on my gravestone:

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