Monday, April 19, 2010

Normal Activity

I have alot of weird, time-consuming and entirely useless habits, one of which involves looking up horror movies on Wikipedia and reading about their critical reception. I also enjoy telephoning expensive hotels in the city and enquiring about the price of their honeymoon suites. Today though, I decided to go with the horror movie thing. Here's one critics review of Paranormal Activity:

"It doesn't sound very scary, but Peli (the director) manages to make it terrifying. If you aren't white-knuckling your armrest at least once or twice while watching it, you probably don't have a pulse."

So apparently - according to this person - I am dead. Or at least I don't have a pulse, which I can't imagine being any good for my health. Seriously? The scariest thing about watching Paranormal Activity was that my cat threw up all over my couch while I was doing so. And there is no way anyone who was actually involved in the making of the film can take credit for that. The movie's only redeeming quality is that it was readily available for illegal download off the internet while still playing in cinemas; if that doesn't make for at least one star, then I honestly don't know what does.

For the most part (I mean, with the one exception of my Mum, who is weirdly fond of The Exorcist), my family are not huge fans of the horror genre. Of course when I say 'my family', I don't include myself - mostly because anyone who actually enjoys the Saw movies can't really be considered a human, but also because if you have an older sister who tells you 'you're adopted!' enough times, you kind of start to believe her.
I consider it part of my mission in life to find and watch a scary movie that actually scares me.
Thus, I have seen alot of shitty horror films. Oh, I've seen all kinds. 3D, Black and White, Direct-To-DVD, Featuring Paris Hilton. You name it, and if it involves a beat-up sorority sister being chained to the front of a jeep and driven around at high speeds, I've probably seen it. It's kind of a morbid obsession. I think part of it is just me making up for lost time, because for the first 9 or 10 years of my life, I was - no exaggeration - the wimpiest kid on the planet. I was literally scared of everything. I was scared of monsters. I was scared of aliens. I was scared of clowns. I was scared a clown was going to kill me. I was scared a clown was going to kill someone else and make me watch. Then one day it was like a switch flicked, and BAM - I became a robot.
Really. Like the Six Million Dollar Man. Only instead of saving the world, I sit around eating toasted sandwiches and watching The Ellen Degeneres Show. By the way, I am in no way trying to talk myself up with this. Not being scared by a scary movie doesn't make me any cooler. Actually, I think it makes me less cool. Who wants to marry a robot? I'll probably die alone.
Then again, maybe not. I'm sure there is a nice clown out there who is perfectly willing to let me watch while he kills other people. Call me!

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