Friday, December 18, 2009

Wow! How The F*** Old Is Flanders???

Oh, the rain has finally arrived!
Today it was hot, and I went to Issy's house for a visit. Like around three Sundays ago, when it was also hot, and I went to Issy's house for a visit. My conclusion? The road to Issy's house is a portal into another dimension. And that dimension is called The Sun.

So apart from The Pacific Highway becoming a gateway to inter-galactic travel, there were a few other crazy heat-related things about today. The first is that my Mum wouldn't let me turn the air conditioning on. I mean. What? I get that my Mum is kind of crazy (she produced me, after all), but that is just plain insanity. Air-conditioning was INVENTED with days like today in mind. Do you think, when whoever-it-was-that-invented-the-air-conditioner came up with that concept, he or she meant it for decorative purposes? NO! NO! AIR CONDITIONERS ARE MEANT TO BE USED! Just in case you need any further convincing, here is my Mother's line of reasoning:

- It makes a loud noise
- It's not that hot
- It costs money to run the air conditioner

And here is my rebuttal:

- "It makes a loud noise?" I'm not even going to dignify that with a response
- Yes, it was that hot. I think my armpit hairs actually melted
- Well, yes, I suppose it does cost money to run the air conditioner. But it costs more to call for an ambulance when your daughter collapses from heat exhaustion on the kitchen floor.

Check and mate.
The other crazy thing was that despite all my whinging and moaning about the sudden heatwave, I decided to have a hamburger for dinner.
Ew. I know. Ew.
I don't usually eat hamburgers at all, but I was craving one from the fish and chip shop in Lane Cove - you know, the one owned by that guy who looks like a greasy 40-year-old version of Jack from Home and Away? It's the only place I ever order burgers from, because they are simply amazing. Or at least, they used to be; apparently the fish and chip shop people have quit using mince beef and are now making their burgers out of pure cancer.
Oh, my gosh.
I have never felt so sick in my life - whatever little stomach lining I had left after drinking all that Red Bull is now gone. Remember that scene from Alien VS Predator, where the aliens impregenate all those women, and their stomachs get all huge and distended, and then the baby aliens burst through their skin and kill them? I'm pretty sure if I were locked in a room with those women right now, they would be the ones pointing and laughing at me.

That whole sentence I just wrote, about the aliens and predators and mothers and baby aliens? That was terribly constructed. I apologise. I don't know whether it's because I've been out of school for 2 years, because I watch too much American TV, or just because I'm an idiot, but my English has been way off lately. Earlier I was watching The Simpsons with my sister, and the following question came out of my mouth:

Jacki: Wow! How the f*** old is Flanders?

I am not even kidding. That is the exact wording I used. How the f*** old is Flanders? Somehow, that made sense in my head. I'm pretty sure Shakespeare just rolled over in his grave.

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