So, yesterday - and as part of my current world tour, Jacki Trew: A Showcase Of Clumsiness And Uncoordination - my left hand got into a fight with a wire coathanger and most definitely did not win.
So yeah. I had asked for a new watch for Christmas, but I guess Santa deduced that all I really wanted was 5 stitches and a prescription for antibiotics, cause that's what I got.
What an asshole.
Still, it was totally worth it, since Catherine was the only one home who could drive me up to North Shore Hospital, and I'm pretty sure our sisterly antics were the highlight of the day for most of the emergency staff. I mean, we were certainly more entertaining than this woman in front of me who'd had half her face eaten off by a dog. Although I suppose it's hard to be funny when your tear ducts are being replaced with plastic tubing.
Anyway, my greatest suspicion confirmed: hospital nurses do love playing Would You Rather...? as much as I do. And just for future reference, they also love Jonas Brother imitations, hearing me talk about why Wentworth Miller is the most perfect male in existance, and participating in bets over how many sutures I'll end up needing.
Haha. Hospitals are awesome.
So when we weren't playing thumb wars or singing SOS or telling stories that had the nurses in stitches (Haha, get it? Had them in stitches? See, it's funny, because they were in stitches from laughing so much, and I was in stitches because I am an idiot who gets physical with coathangers. Awesome), Catherine and I toyed with the idea of stealing hospital supplies and giving them to our friends for Christmas. I won't say whether or not we actually did it. I guess you'll just have to wait until you unwrap your disposable gown and gauze bandages on friday morning to find out.
And now, in conclusion - just because I know you all want it but for some reason always pretend like you don't - here is my favourite hospital moment:
Nurse Alison: Okay, I'm gonna start injecting the local anasthetic now. It might hurt a little, so try to distract yourself.
Jacki: (lying on bed) Right on. Let's play Would You Rather. Catherine, would you rather eat the cat or the dog, or have Mum, Dad and I all die? And if so, which would you eat, the cat or the dog?
Nurse Alison: (trying not to laugh) Is she serious?
Catherine: (To Nurse Alison) Yeah, and I have to live with her. (To me) I'd eat the cat.
Jacki: Oh my gosh that's so mean.
Catherine: You asked!
Jacki: You could have refused to answer!
Catherine: Let's just change the subject.
Jacki: Fine. Hey, you guys know Braille? Like, how blind people read, with the bumps?
Catherine And Nurse Alison: Yeah.
Jacki: Okay so guess how the guy who invented it became blind? His father owned this company that made leather wallets, and they sewed them with these really thick leather needles, and the way he became blind was that he accidentally stabbed himself in the eye with one of the needles. Oh my gosh.
Catherine: That's really gross.
Jacki: And his name...was John Braille. No okay, I just made that up.
Catherine: I thought so.
Jacki: Only the name part! The rest of it was true.
Catherine: Yeah right.
Jacki: No seriously. Wikipedia that shit. You'll see.
Catherine: Uh huh. I'll make sure to do that.
Jacki: I made a Wikipedia page about myself once.
Catherine: Oh my God.
Nurse Allison: (Still fighting the urge to laugh)
Jacki: Yeah, they deleted it though. I guess nobody wanted to know about Jacki Trew.
Catherine: I can't imagine why not.
Jacki: I could try again.
Catherine: Yeah, you could make it all about the ways you maim yourself.
Jacki: Totally! Let's see, there's this (motioning to hand), and there's the time I cut my arm open on a fence...
Catherine: Don't forget the time you tripped over a dog.
Nurse Alison: (Laughing) You two are idiots! Okay sit tight for a minute, I'm just going to write your prescription. (Leaves the room)
Jacki: I know, what is she talking about?
Catherine: We're awesome.
Jacki: Wanna steal some shit?